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To know that I wouldn't put up with infidelity in any shape or form?

(38 Posts)
Crazydazy Mon 23-Jul-07 13:36:10

Not having a go at anyone here honestly but I just feel dreadfully sorry for all these women that put up with cheating toe-rag partners/husbands.

My Mum suffered for years at the hands of my father who left her twice whilst pregnant for another woman.....maybe its just left me bitter but I seriously would not forgive someone who cheated on me because if its they do it once they WILL do it again.

harrypotterdies Mon 23-Jul-07 13:40:37

i think is a little more complicated than that.

mortaes, chilrens schools and standard of living that many people are locked into means that basically the woman has to chose between belieing a man she loves and keeping a lifestyle she wants - or not believing a man she loves and chucking lifestyle into bin

i have never had a lifestyle - or bought into one. i don't have a mortgage, the house is in my name and i have my own bank account and career - in my case my DH would be out on his arse - with slashed tyres.

but i can undestand those women who stay because they like the money.

charliecat Mon 23-Jul-07 13:41:21

and sometimes its the woman whos at it.

allgonebellyup Mon 23-Jul-07 13:43:17

well i dont understand these women who stay because they like the money!!
Who the hell would do that?
someone without a shred of self worth and dignity!

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 13:43:23

you shud talk to stillcryinginside her husband cheated two years ago and she forgave him and carried on but is now in complete turmoil as she says she just cant get over it!! i dont think i would put up with it but untill you have been put in that situation you just dont know how you will react!!

alicet Mon 23-Jul-07 13:43:39

At the moment I feel the same as you crazydazy but I also think you can't possibly know how you would react unless it happened. And its easy to say this when you are in a secure relationship. Probably a lot of people who choose to stay also once said the same thing - after all presumably most people don't believe their partners will ever cheat when they marry / set up home with them or they wouldn't do it?!

People have all sorts of complex reasons for staying together that aren't always obvious but at the end of the day you have to respect people's choices as they knwo the situation / their partner / their relationship better than you ever possibly can

allgonebellyup Mon 23-Jul-07 13:44:08

charliecat i agree, why do people always assume its the man who is cheating??

fairyjay Mon 23-Jul-07 13:44:36

I don't think any of us definitely know what we would do, until we were faced with a situation - and I think that applies to most things!

You've obviously had horrible experiences of this thru' your parents though.

Heathcliffscathy Mon 23-Jul-07 13:45:22

i have not been in a position to comment....because i fundamentally believe that until it happens to you, you don't know how you would feel or what you would want to do.

and I also think each situation is different. and I also don't buy the myth of toe-rag men as for each of them there is a woman that will not only take but expect that kind of behaviour/be controlling based on greater number of brownie points etc.

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 13:45:37

i agree its not just men that cheat my best friend did it to her husband he still doesnt know she put me in a really awkward position!

ChasingSquirrels Mon 23-Jul-07 13:47:03

I wouldn't like to comment, or judge, until I had been in the situation.

alicet Mon 23-Jul-07 13:47:20

Not quite the same thing but I stayed with an ex for 18 months or so after he had started talking about how he wasn't sure we should be together. most of the time it was great but every 3 months or so he would have a 'wobble' and we would split for a few days then get back together. All my friends thought I was mad to keep taking him back but I really loved him and had to get to a place in my own mind where I was happy to say 'ok enough!'. That happens at different timjes for different people and I think is an important part of dealing with the breakup of a relationship.

Like I say not the same thing as it was never acrimonious and never involved anyone else but I think because of it I can kind of understand. If it had been on e of my friends I would probably have been one of the first to tell her to get out!

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 13:49:05

we are all good at dishing out advice but i find we never take any of our own advice !

alicet Mon 23-Jul-07 13:51:26

Exactly stormy!!! very easy when you're emotionally removed to advise someone what they should do but harder to act on that advice when you love someone and your emotions are all over the plce!

CountessDracula Mon 23-Jul-07 13:53:32

A very simplistic view IMO

It is very easy to say what one would or would not do if one is not presented with the situation as a reality

curiouscat Mon 23-Jul-07 13:54:34

I've seen two lots of my parents' friends over the years separating when one party finds a new lover but then that breaks up, and the original couple get back together contentedly as grandparents.

I think the longer you live the more forgiving you can be perhaps. Or you realise that sex isn't the be all and end all.

I'd like to think I could forgive my husband and you have to be realistic about the money thing too - it may raise mn hackles but the fact is men on the whole earn more than women plus separated women are most often the worst off.

Look at Nancy d'Ollio and Hillary Clinton, they're still happily with their cheating spouses and they could easily afford to leave.

charliecat Mon 23-Jul-07 13:55:05

You can stay but will you ever trust them again? Will it ever be the same again?
I personally doubt it, but maybe it might wake someone up into what they are putting at risk, but bloody hell, shit way of waking up and smelling the coffee.

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 13:57:54

Very true! wht would you have done in this situation then my friend had an affair but told me a year later she is married with two kids to honest i dont really like her dh but i thought what she had done was disgraceful considering the guy she had affair with used to trae her badly i still think she has feelings for him but we cant talk about it as we really fell out over it so it was never to be spoken of again! Now would you have told her husband? or left it as was nothing to do with you or make her tell him!!

alicet Mon 23-Jul-07 13:58:45

Curiouscat your post reminded me of some friends of my parents. They briefly split when she discovered her dh had been having an affair for something like 12 years with the same person. But she has MS and other problems and they got back together and are seemingly happy.

Could imagine I might ultimately be able to forgive a one night stand or brief fling depending on cirumstances (whether that meant you could actually learn to trust again is a different matter) but 12 years? That would make a mockery of such a large part of our life together I just can't see how I could ever forgive that...

But like I said before I guess you never know until you're there yourself

alicet Mon 23-Jul-07 14:00:55

stormy thats a really tough one. Really really not sure. Probably stay out of it though as you can never really know what goes on in someones relationship. But I wouldn't have covered for her either and would probably tell the truth if he asked outright.

Never been in that situation thankfully. I tend to walk round with my head in the clouds and don't notice stuff unless its right under my nose!!!!

LoveAngel Mon 23-Jul-07 14:02:30

I don't know what I'd do or how I'd feel if my husband cheated on me, to be honest. I can't say I would definitely leave him. Who knows? I would be angry and hurt as hell, of course. I don't think you can ever judge other people for what they do in this sort of situation, because you just never know their circumstances...

Malfoynomore Mon 23-Jul-07 14:02:52

Crazy, I can see what you mean, but it just never is that straightforward....obviously there are situations where I would completely agree, and others I can understand why a 2. chance is being given....

harpsichordcuddler Mon 23-Jul-07 14:03:11

it depends on how important you think sexual fidelity is, of course.
in the context of a loving, long term relationship, all sorts of things happen. there are good patches and bad patches. I don't think it's helpful to make sweeping generalisations about how it would ruin everything forever, he would inevitably do it again, or whatever.
we are all human, we all make mistakes. we can love someone despite their faults and imperfections, surely?

Crazydazy Mon 23-Jul-07 14:06:03

I have had experience of it because I sat and held my Mum whilst she sobbed her heart out when my Dad left her (the first time I was 4 so didn't really understand and the second time I was 12 and knew exactly what was going on). She let him come back because he'd "changed" and "grown up" and then he did the same thing again.

I have not grown up into a twisted woman who hates all men but I just believe that if a person is a cheater they will always cheat, its there in them and yes I understand there are people who can forgive but can they ever forget???

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 14:07:28

well it was shoved right under my nose she confessed it to me one drunk night to be honest i had an idea that she had but was never certain but iwas really cross at her for telling me it was like she was trying to get rid of her guilt by telling me we had a massive row about it at the time it was terrible! i never said anything to him as i decided it wasnt my place to go around wrecking lives she done a good enough job of that already too many people know about it and i think she will be caught out one day!! I also told her that there was no way i would cover for her and she couldnt undertsand why i had reacted so badly when another friend didnt !!

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