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Touching baby bump- was I mean?

(56 Posts)
Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 22:45:34

I don't have a great relationship with in laws (understatement). I don't want to type out the huge back story but have put on here before about them (nc) and been told to go nc/low contact. Because I know dh loves them and they are his parents and that he is always one hundred percent behind me we do have contact. We see them maybe 4/5 times a year.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant. I last saw them at about 24 weeks and mil commented how huge I was but other than that was on her best behaviour. I know she is very excited to be a gp (whole other thread there as I am struggling with this as they have treated me very poorly in the past and now expect that to be forgotten and contact to increase).

Anyway! On Monday they came around for tea and mil said how blooming I was etc, and then went to touch my bump. I kind of stepped backwards and she said 'oh can I not touch?' I said that I'd prefer if she didn't as I am not a fan of being touched and kind of laughed it off (dh joined in at this point by saying how I'd had to fight off an old lady in the supermarket the other day). In truth I don't mind people touching me if they ask and I have a good relationship with them, sorry I'm not explaining that well but what I mean is I have friends who I would hug hello/bye etc and have invited them to feel baby if they have expressed an interest.

Part of the reason I said no to mil is because she is almost like a stranger to me except tbh worse. I am very anxious around her visits etc due to the past and I just don't want her in my personal space. I am already trying very hard to recognise that contact is increasing with the arrival of our daughter.

After this all happened we had a nice evening, they ate the meal I made etc and all was fine. Fil made a few sexist comments about women being lazy on maternity, that I was big because I've eaten too much etc but I ignored all this as I can't see the point in making an argument.

Tonight mil has text dh saying she is disappointed I wouldn't let her feel baby as she likely won't see us now until after dd is born.

Was I bu? Should I have just let her have a quick feel? Even though there wasn't actually anything to feel at that point as dd tends to only stick her bum etc out every now and then or wiggle when I'm sat down.

Sorry this is so long!

pottedplanteroonie Thu 23-May-19 22:47:07

Of course not, you don't owe her access to your body. They sound tiring and you sound resilient and awesome. x

Sexnotgender Thu 23-May-19 22:48:45

YANBU. I got my DH to tell his mum to stop touching me when I was pregnant. I hate being touched at the best of times.

She wasn’t ‘feeling baby’ she was touching you, you’re not a bloody incubator.

IrregularCommentary Thu 23-May-19 22:48:57

It's not her grandchild, it's your body.

Absolutely within your rights to choose who you're comfortable touching you. Not unreasonable at all, even without the backstory or low contact.

Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 22:50:37

Thank you :-) I think a little bit of me thinks I should have just let her for the sake of keeping the peace.

I'm really struggling atm with them. I feel like dd is still very much a part of me and everyone already wants a piece of her and she isn't even out yet!

Happyspud Thu 23-May-19 22:51:09

She’s not touching the baby, she’s touching you. And is totally unreasonable to expect to be able to force her DIL to accept her mauling her.

Mondayblues7 Thu 23-May-19 22:51:14

You are not being unreasonable. I constantly touch my bump because it's mine. It would freak me out if MIL would go to touch my bump with out asking. It's my body, it's actually my belly.

Don't feel bad, some people just feel they she the right to touch when in actual fact they don't.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 23-May-19 22:51:27

NO ONE has a right to feel you up, you were fine saying no.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Make sure you have clear, firm boundaries in place when your baby is here. MIL sounds like a nightmare.

CalmdownJanet Thu 23-May-19 22:52:00

Nope yanbu! Tell him text back "Mum, x is a person, not someone you can just touch because she is pregnant, you would have been touching her not the baby. You didn't have a relationship before, that doesn't change because she is pregnant. Be disappointed all you like but you are being ridiculous"

JenMumma Thu 23-May-19 22:52:02

God hell no ! You did well enough to put up with the verbal crap ! Your body - your rules, maybe if they bloody behave they can touch baby when she's not wrapped in your tummy, until then keep holding your ground you're fab.

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit Thu 23-May-19 22:53:28

Nope. Not at all! She’s not been nice to you and it’s YOUR BODY even if there does happen to be a little baby in there. Perfectly fine not to want anyone to touch your belly! Also if they cause you stress and things I’d keep the contact low. You might find things get worse with them with a baby around, especially with all the new mummy hormones and things. But definitely don’t think you were being unreasonable. It’s your body! I’m not a touchy feely person at all and would have done the same even with people I liked! In fact I did when I was pregnant with my first x

Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 22:54:30

Dh is brilliant to be fair to him :-) he said afterwards when i brought it up that he doesn't get why people have this obsession with touching pregnant women. And he has stood up to mil in the past for me. I do have some concerns about how things will go when baby is born as we have such different expectations but I have to have faith that dh will be true to his word as he has been in the past smile

Unfortunately I think tonight is going to just be the start of things.

Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 22:55:57

Weirdly she acts like nothing has ever happened between us and we are close family? I can't see how she thinks this as we see them so sporadically and things have been fairly tense in the past! Dh says she is just oblivious but personally I think that is him letting her off the hook a little bit!

Darbs76 Thu 23-May-19 22:57:02

Personally I’d be have just let her touch the bump. I’d have felt incredibly mean not allowing her. She’s excited and no matter what’s happened you’re clearly allowing her in your life so I’d just let her have her moments of excitement in the lead up. It’s not a stranger but a relative of the baby wanting to just see if she can feel the baby

Pipandmum Thu 23-May-19 22:59:08

I do not understand why people want to touch pregnant women. I never wanted to touch my friends bumps. Eeeeuuuw.

lastqueenofscotland Thu 23-May-19 22:59:56

I DETEST being touched. YANBU

Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 23:00:35

@Darbs76 I guess I do feel a bit mean, that's why I posted to check 😕 I won't lie however I struggle to see her as just a relative of the baby as she is so distanced to us atm that it feels like there is no connection there (and by that I mean between her and dh not even including myself). I have considered going to see someone to speak to them about my anxiety around ILs. I can hand on heart say I'd rather hand my newborn to a stranger than to mil and that makes me sad.

foreverhanging Thu 23-May-19 23:00:38

I absolutely hate people touching me, and my gmil touched basically my private parts when I was only about 6 weeks pregnant and I made sure she would never touch me again after that. There wasn't even a bump, and I felt violated.

My sil said oh it's not a big deal, she does it every time I see her to me when I'm pregnant and I was like that's up to you, but I'm not happy with it, and for a woman who calls me fat and a pig, she doesn't get to do it either.

You wouldn't touch anyone else's stomach in any other situation.

TurboTeddy Thu 23-May-19 23:06:35

I have never touched or even thought about touching someone's baby bump and I cringe when I see other people (apart from partners) doing it. YA I no way BU.

Lairydea Thu 23-May-19 23:06:49

Define your boundaries with your husband now as your MIL will test them and you two need to be in agreement. It's great he's supported you in the past but slightly worrying that he seems to be letting her off the hook a bit.
Talk about things like - overnight stays, she may push for them. What are you happy with? Solids and when to introduce them, saying "6 months" will likely be derided as she will no doubt have taken a different approach based on the received wisdom of the time.
Discipline/cry it out/dummies/breastfeeding (and for how long), even how you'd make formula as all will be up for critique so have an idea for how you'll tackle them if they arise.

Chocmallows Thu 23-May-19 23:06:57

Well done for keeping your boundaries. Your DH needs to keep them for you both too. Yes she is his mum and your MIL, but her wishes whims do not trump your needs.

doodlejump1980 Thu 23-May-19 23:07:04

Do it back to her and just say “oh I thought we were rubbing each other’s tummies. Weird isn’t it?” <head tilt>

Darbs76 Thu 23-May-19 23:07:09

I think some counselling sounds like a good idea. It’s hard to let go off past things, I’ve been there too. Sometimes I’m a bit too forgiving I think. Sounds like you just need to careful, you need to try and balance her seeing the baby but also keeping her at arms length. Hopefully after the excitement of her arrival things will settle down and you can agree contact you’re content with

Dryshampooagain Thu 23-May-19 23:12:22

We have had many many chats about what we want regarding weaning and overnights and visits etc (probably to the point of overdoing it 🙈). Now time is ticking i am trying to relax and not think about it all too much as I get myself into such a state of worry.

I will speak to my midwife about maybe talking to someone, or I have health visitor coming tomorrow :-)

I am struggling massively to let go because I feel like a lot of the issues have never been recognised or resolved. When we got married for example a lot of things happened and mil refused to come to the wedding then turned up but didn't speak to either of us. She was told by dh this was unacceptable and while she apologised to dh she said she would apologise to me but then never did. I would like some recognition of all of this type of thing and maybe an apology but realistically I need to accept I am never going to get one.

Going back to the bump touching I don't get it either! Before I was pregnant I felt a bit 😖 if someone suggested I felt their bump! It feels so personal 🙈 under what other circumstances do you just start prodding or stroking your friend!

Ilove31415926535 Thu 23-May-19 23:12:40

Hell no! I get on great with my MIL (and my own DM) and neither of them touched me while I was pregnant! You're not being selfish at all. Your ILs sound like a royal PITA, and you being pregnant doesn't mean you have to play nice with them, ever. Boundaries boundaries boundaries cake

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