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dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

(599 Posts)
lanaturnerssmile Wed 22-May-19 21:56:22

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 22-May-19 22:00:14

I don't have experience with this, but I would not be happy or impressed at all. What exactly is he trying to say? I imagine you feel betrayed in some sense. I know I would.

Aquathest Wed 22-May-19 22:01:51

Hi OP, sorry to hear how you are feeling.

It does seem very bizarre to have a prenup when you have been together so long and already have children together (with you being the primary carer to allow him to further his career?)

Are based in the UK?

lanaturnerssmile Wed 22-May-19 22:02:24

Yes in the UK

Aquamarine1029 Wed 22-May-19 22:02:35

Also, I feel him springing this on you so close to the wedding was very deliberate of him. It seems to me that he thinks he has you backed into a corner. I would not be able to look at him in the same way again.

Quartz2208 Wed 22-May-19 22:03:30

ask exactly what he means and get legal advice

point out you have been supporting him and exactly what you do

and sorry OP he is such a twat

PurpleWithRed Wed 22-May-19 22:03:36

How do the finances currently work in your relationship if he has loads of money and you have none?

Marriage vows include “everything I have I share with you”. Doesn’t he believe in this? After 13 years and 3 kids?

CarolinaChina Wed 22-May-19 22:03:44

Like the PP, I don’t have experience of this at all and I fully accept that it might be different were I in the situation, but I don’t think I could ever agree to something like that.

Whisky2014 Wed 22-May-19 22:03:45

I'd have laughed and said that ship sailed when I had 3 children with you

Sarahlou63 Wed 22-May-19 22:03:57

Get independent legal advice. No need to tell him you're doing it.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 22-May-19 22:04:15

Any kind of pre nup should take account of child care fees for the past however amount of years as if your DP had been a single parent, and take account of past loss of earnings you've had and future loss of earnings you may have had if you'd been able to build a career instead of looking after his children.

He sounds like an arsehole.

PeoniesarePink Wed 22-May-19 22:04:20

That's awful of him.

I'm not sure I could forgive, to be honest. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's cruel and calculated.

You must feel crap flowers

NoSquirrels Wed 22-May-19 22:04:21

Have you asked him what he wants it to say?

arethereanyleftatall Wed 22-May-19 22:05:43

You say 'his' money. Do you mean money he earned before you got together/had kids?
Because otherwise it isn't 'his' money, it's yours too, since you were contributing by looking after his kids and your joint house.

yy558 Wed 22-May-19 22:06:34

If it is a prenup don't marry him.

DollyPomPoms Wed 22-May-19 22:07:04

This is not my field but I always understood that prenups were not enforceable in England? Get legal advise (alone!)

yy558 Wed 22-May-19 22:07:12

Don't marry if you're unsure about where it's going to go*

timeisnotaline Wed 22-May-19 22:07:35

I wouldn’t like it either. If I’d already had children with him and stayed home with them I’d only sign something that provided for me for life, comfortably.

I think you need to be absolutely prepared to call off the wedding. Have a chat to your maid of honour about it. It may be nothing else makes him realise, but also if he wants to do you out of rights to his assets after all these years and your commitment this marriage doesn’t mean what you want it to anyway.

But you say he loves you, maybe he will be much more reasonable than that.

ajobquestion Wed 22-May-19 22:07:48

Sign it but DONT get legal advice. Then it won't stand up in court if he ever tries. Bizarre but true. Oh and date it as close to the wedding as possible so you can also claim duress!

What a prick.

Unclebuck3 Wed 22-May-19 22:08:04

Prenups are for new couples where one party is much wealthier than the other and wants to protect themselves should the relationship go sour. Not for couples that have already been together 13 years! I’m guessing you were raising his children for him while he was building his fortune? Get some legal advice op, he may be planning to bow out and keep hold of all his money.

timeisnotaline Wed 22-May-19 22:08:34

Also what a pp says - get your own legal advice. If his lawyers are involved yours should be too, just a standard rule for a balanced relationship.

TeenTimesTwo Wed 22-May-19 22:08:34

a) pre-nups should be at least 3 months before marriage, shouldn't they?
b) you need independent legal advice
c) if you marry and later divorce would the courts take into account the length of your relationship and children prior to marriage? I would hope they would

KindergartenKop Wed 22-May-19 22:08:52

I would take the view that any pre nup needs to prioritise the childrens' financial needs. If you split up then his contribution to the household finances needs to stay the same.

lifebegins50 Wed 22-May-19 22:09:09

Do you know what he is proposing? Are you on the house deeds? The reality is marriage gives you protection and should you separate you would be entitled to support for the benefit of the children, irrespective of the agreement, especially if it occurred years down the line.

I had a deed of trust but on divorce it was discounted by a judge as the matrimonial act addresses "needs".
It is horrid for him to bring it up as it implies he isn't committed but on a practical point if you marry he is in a weaker position so if he marries he is trusting that you will be together.

user1493413286 Wed 22-May-19 22:09:57

It does depend where the money he invested came from; did he earn it while with you or before? I came into the relationship with DH with money and as far as I’m concerned that’s going with me if we split whereas money earned during our relationship is different especially as you not working has supported him to earn money and not have to pay loads in childcare

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