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Mother and 10k she gave me

(90 Posts)
cantchooseyourfamily Tue 21-May-19 10:06:17

I posted a thread about this a few months ago, for those who didn't see it this is the short version.

I was given up for adoption when I was a baby, along with my older brother. I found my birth mother when I was 17 and have had a very turbulent relationship with her since. She had another 3 children after we were adopted who stayed with her and she seems to have done quite well with her relationship with those children and seemed to be in a pretty good place financially, she owns several properties, a few businesses, drives nice cars, etc.

Up until January my relationship with her had been pretty good for 2 years, I'd become accepting of what I felt was pretty rubbish behavior on her part ( not sending my children birthday cards, saying she would come and see them and then just not turn up, not messaging or calling for months at a time then just picking things up as though everything was fine). I just put this down to her being like that, accepted I couldn't change her and just took the relationship for what it was.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a severe illness and went downhill quickly, there was an experimental treatment I could have abroad that I decided to go for that had a price tag of just over 50k. She all but insisted on giving me 10k towards it (we were short of that amount but would have figured it out, put it on a credit card or took out a loan). I offered to pay it back at least 3 or 4 times over the following months and every time she said no, she'd wanted to help and she was so glad I'd gone ahead, etc, etc.

My DH and I are fairly comfortably off, I have my own company and he has a good job, we could have paid the money back quickly if she had wanted it but she said every time that she did not.

My treatment went very well and towards the end of last year I decided to invest more money into my company and expand, my mother was aware of this and had even visited some premises with me and had discussions with me about my future plans.

A year after the treatment, out of the blue she messaged and said she wanted it back. After a lot of thought I decided not to, I was angry that she was rewriting history, trying to say that conversations that we had in front of other people just hadn't happened (conversations where she had absolutely insisted she never wanted it back), annoyed that she had made such a song and dance about being the hero to friends and family and was then expecting to be able to call it in at any time of her choosing. I suppose I felt it was the tip of the iceberg with her treatment towards me, her inconsistency, being there for me and then trying to take it back when it had meant so much to me.

Anyway she then said she'd be taking me to court, I got legal advise and was told she would almost certainly be unsuccessful (we had sent messages where I had thanked her for this money and she had said it was a gift). Nothing more had happened until yesterday...…..

She called me for the first time in 4 months and I honestly thought she was ringing to say sorry for how she had handled the whole situation. But no, she was ringing to tell me she had decided I could share it with my siblings and I am now supposed to give them all 2k. I told her I wouldn't be doing this, the money was gone and spent on the treatment over a year ago. I told her she didn't get to change what conversations had taken place and she went crazy, told me she could change any conversations she wanted to, then came out with some really awful stuff about not being my mother, she'd given me up because she didn't want to be and all sorts of other terrible things.

I'm so upset now, I feel like she's trying to manipulate the situation so my siblings will now be upset with me. I spoke to my brother yesterday who thought she was mad and told me to keep his share. Not that I can keep it anyway, it was spent over a year ago on the treatment.

AIBU to not give them all 2k? As far as I'm concerned the money was given for a purpose and spent on that, the money is long gone and any money that I would now give would be different money. The 3 children who my mother had after my brother and I were adopted have had a good standard of living throughout their childhood and even now into early adulthood (they've been bought cars, been on expensive holidays, one has lived rent free in a property our mother owns for over a year). My brother and I have never received any gifts of any significant value, aside from this money and I feel like I'm justified in saying no, they've had a lot more than 10k spent on them and I don't see why I should.

Sorry, that was a lot longer than I thought!

nrpmum Tue 21-May-19 10:08:17

I commented on your last thread that your Mum was batshit. I still hold that opinion. Don't give 2k to your siblings.

DameSylvieKrin Tue 21-May-19 10:08:37

YANB at all U to carry on as you are. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

UnicornBrexit Tue 21-May-19 10:10:01

Shes not your mother . Your mother is the woman who brought you up. You've lost sight of this. If I were you, I'd be cutting contact. I sincerely don't think you can manufacture those bonds after two decades apart. She's just someone you share some DNA with.

CoraPirbright Tue 21-May-19 10:14:43

Absolutely not! She is completely mad - the money was a gift and you have the messages to prove it. I would completely cut her off. Having someone like this in your life is going to be detrimental to your mental health and well being.

M00nUnit Tue 21-May-19 10:15:02

Good for you for making such a success of your life despite being failed so badly by the woman who gave birth to you. She sounds absolutely vile. Absolutely don't give your siblings any money.

DoneLikeAKipper Tue 21-May-19 10:18:44

You’ve posted about this before, haven’t you?

If there is conclusive evidence that the money was a gift, then that’s that. For your own mental health, I suggest you block her on all possible mediums. It must be awful hearing those things from your biological mother, but biology doesn’t mean family and she’s certainly not worthy of being part of yours.

Reallybadidea Tue 21-May-19 10:20:25

I remember your previous thread. She's trying to punish you by causing trouble between you and your siblings. You don't owe them this money, please don't give it to them. Not sure whether you've already done this, but consider getting some therapy, having her for a parent would mess anyone's head up!

Yabbers Tue 21-May-19 10:20:27

You’ve posted about this before, haven’t you?
As the first line of the post says.

EL8888 Tue 21-May-19 10:24:35

From what you have said YANBU. Cynically l think her saying give £2k to each sibling is her manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you. It feels very controlling and selfish by her. Part of me wonders if she attempts to control you with the cancelling plans short notice, going AWOL etc. Especially as in my opinion you responded to this in a considered and mature way. Glad you are feeling better and sorry she has been so unpleasant

dustarr73 Tue 21-May-19 10:25:29

I remember you last thread,for your own health cut contact.Shes not your mother as she said her self.Your mother is the one that changed your bum,went to school plays.

Look at it now,you know for definate what she is like.Just walk away.She will never be the person you want her to be.

FetchezLaVache Tue 21-May-19 10:28:18

I remember your previous thread too and I am very pleased you didn't give her the money back. She is, as nprmum says, batshit.

Has the treatment been successful, by the way? Hope so!

BethMaddison Tue 21-May-19 10:29:22

She sounds horrible
If I were you I’d either change my number and go totally NC or pay it back.....in pennies

Whatterly Tue 21-May-19 10:30:51

I remember your previous thread. It was HSCT wasn't it, so glad it worked for you smile

Your birth mother is a cunt. Block her on everything and cut that toxic bitch totally out of your life.

Honeyroar Tue 21-May-19 10:31:28

It's a shame, but this woman has let you down, is hurting you and isn't a positive in your life. Time to let her go. Stay in touch with your siblings if you can, but if they give you grief let them go too. She gave you up, you have another life and s lot going on. If your biological family enhance your life, great, but if not you don't need them. You've managed without them for years..

Breathlessness Tue 21-May-19 10:32:33

‘she's trying to manipulate the situation so my siblings will now be upset with me’

Spot on. I hope your health has improved.

Geminijes Tue 21-May-19 10:32:41

Keep the money. It was given to you as a gift. Cut your mother out of your life. You don't need her lies or the stress.

I hope the treatment was a success.

DoneLikeAKipper Tue 21-May-19 10:34:51

@Yabbers so it does, teaches me for skimming the op.

onalongsabbatical Tue 21-May-19 10:36:22

She's a mess. What you need is as much distance as you can manage. You don't owe her or your siblings anything. I can totally see how this would fuck with your head. YOU ARE NOT BEING REMOTELY UNREASONABLE, OP. flowers

Hellbentwellwent Tue 21-May-19 10:38:16

You seriously don’t need this hanging over your head, wondering and worrying about what her next proposal will be to rectify the non existent situation that was no making of your own. She’s changed the goal posts and will continue to do so. Write her an email explaining your position. Thank her for the money which was a gift at the time of giving and thank her for her part in your recovery. State clearly and unequivocally that you will not be continuing with a relationship as inconsistant as the one you currently have as it is damaging both to you and your children. End it there and go no contact. She’s not a positive influence on your life and managed well before she came back on the scene

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel Tue 21-May-19 10:39:14

I remember your last post and think I posted then that you should not give her the 10k back and I stand by that now. Do not give your half siblings the money. I think I would be going low or no contact with your biological mother - she isn't your mother in the real sense, she didn't bring you up. For your peace of mind I would not have anything to do with her from now on.

LagunaBubbles Tue 21-May-19 10:39:44

The money doesn't need repaid, clearly it was a gift. But why are you still wanting a relationship with this awful woman?

Summerorjustmaybe Tue 21-May-19 10:41:00

She has just reinforced she is not a positive addition to your life. Block her and move on.
Glad the treatment was a success!
Leave her to her drama.

flumpybear Tue 21-May-19 10:41:57

She's a shitty excuse for a parent on many levels, you'd have thought by this point in her life she'd be pleased to have good relationships with all her kids and water under the bridge etc.

But no, she's manipulating a situation so you look bad and she's not to blame. She gave you money to have a medical procedure - she can't now say she wants the money split between her children, she can't spend it twice ffs!!

I'd walk away from her personally - sounds like you're not getting anything but grief out of the relationship

Are you still on good terms with your adoptive parents?!

MRex Tue 21-May-19 10:42:26

She's really a very nasty person, I think it's better for you and your children that you minimise contact. I'd explain it clearly to your siblings so that they're left in no doubt. The money was a gift towards your medical treatment, she said multiple times that she didn't want it back and now she's had the "credit" for being generous from everyone else she says she's changed her mind and wants it back immediately. The money isn't there, you feel this is very manipulative on her part and entirely unnecessary. You will not be returning the gift and you will not be interested in continuing a relationship with her. You would like to keep in touch with the siblings as usual (whatever usual is).

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