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AIBU to not understand (and get really irritated) by ‘going no contact.

(45 Posts)
OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 01:55:54

I see it every day on here: ‘I have decided to go no contact with my brother’ or ‘I’m thinking of going no contact with my mother’.
Why is the phrase GO no contact rather than HAVE no contact?
Surely that’s the grammatically correct thing?
‘I have decided to have no contact with my mother’
That’s right isn’t it? Or am I missing something? (Genuine question)

50shadesofgreyrock Tue 21-May-19 02:18:03

I am usually the whiniest if the grammer police but I see it as a state of being. I am ‘No Contact’ with x. I am married. I am engaged. I am 50. I am pissed. I am NC with my mother. I think ‘Go’ gives the speaker a sense of control over a situation where they may feel none, and can appreciate a more active way of verbalising the decision.
In these here parts, it’s more ‘you don’t need to reply to her if you don’t want to, you have to prioritize your own mental health’. So the looked after teen has essentially been NC with her mother for 18 mos. Language is great and can be moulded to an extent. I’m a big fan of playing with it deliberately, especially when it empowers. Less so of ‘ve/of issues.

YellowAardvark Tue 21-May-19 02:19:43

I think they are different things.

I have no contact with my brother coz we’re both lazy and bad at keeping in touch is one thing. Going nc is more deliberate and implies a more permanent state of being

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 02:25:24

@Yellowaardvark...interesting, I’d never thought of it that way. That does kind of make sense.
@50shadesofgreyrock, I don’t really consider myself a grammar police type, lord knows I make enough typos, spell words incorrectly and being welsh have some pretty questionable grammar myself grin but for some reason this bothers me. But yes ‘should of’ is definitely worse. grin

RubberTreePlant Tue 21-May-19 03:16:54

I think when people have relatives so toxic that they need to sever contact for their emotional amd psychological health, maybe you should give them a break on the grammar pedantry?

Also what 50shades said. It's akin to "going dark" or "going incognito".

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 21-May-19 03:22:45

Hmm. On a grammatic level you have a point OP. However, as Yellow said, having NC and going NC are different things. The former implies an unintentional or temporary state of affairs. The latter refers to an intentional, permanent state of the relationship.

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 03:25:22

@Rubbertreeplant, hence why I have never brought it up on a post about the issue, and am asking on a neutral post which is not about anyone’s situation. And I have my fair share of toxic family I am not in contact with, thanks. hmm

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 03:28:46

@Dionethediabolist, yes I think I see that for some (most?) people that distinction is there, for me I don’t see that ‘having’ implies a non-permanent state, but I’m totally willing to concede that I’m the odd one out here.

RubberTreePlant Tue 21-May-19 03:34:43

Oh you're really quite snitty, aren't you?

No, you're not posting your quibble on a Stately Homes thread or similar, but you ARE posting it. So, inevitably, some people will conclude you're being a wee bit petty.

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 03:45:28

You’re entitled to conclude whatever you like, @rubbertreeplant, I know that I had no other intention then to understand why that is the terminology used as it feels jarring to me. Nothing more or less than that. This post isn’t any kind of judgement or pettiness about people’s situations, as I’ve said I know only to well the ramifications of toxic family members.
I just an interested in language. It was my job for many years and as I’m not able to do that job anymore I find discussion about it in other places. That’s all.

AlexaAmbidextra Tue 21-May-19 04:37:51

I don’t think it’s the OP who’s being snitty here.

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 04:55:10

Sorry, I have a kitten! grin not intending to be snooty

hazell42 Tue 21-May-19 05:08:50

I thought you were commenting on the myriad ridiculous reasons that people on here sever ties with their family.
I'm not talking about those who have been abused, but simply people who regard their family as 'toxic' because of ordinary failing outs.
But no, you were talking about SPAG
Same old, same old

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 05:14:14

@hazell42 if you want to discuss that, go for it! It’s a valid discussion to have.
The weirdness of language is my area of interest, particularly when my brain doesn’t want to shut up and go to sleep.

MyInnerAlto Tue 21-May-19 05:52:21

Give the OP a break. She's asked, listened and conceded it makes sense (which it does - I agree with the analysis in the first couple of posts). Why would being Welsh mean you have questionable grammar, though?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 21-May-19 06:25:34

I think when people have relatives so toxic that they need to sever contact for their emotional amd psychological health, maybe you should give them a break on the grammar pedantry?

This really . Their pain is immense and trumps grammar no ? sad

DragonflyInn Tue 21-May-19 06:38:24

But op isn’t having a go at people for using the wrong grammar; she appears to me to be asking a genuine question about why the phrase is as it is. The responses about it being a proactive decision rather than just circumstances make a lot of sense - it’s an interesting point I’d not really thought about. Surely this is really not worth getting offended about.

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 07:08:17

@Myinneralto because I will fight to the death that ‘I’ll be there now in a minute’ makes perfect sense and also that it is ‘a scissors’ grin

OwlBeThere Tue 21-May-19 07:11:59

@stopfuckingshoutingatme of course it does! And that’s why I’d never ‘correct’ grammar on a post about family difficulties and why I asked as a separate question. I’m in no way having a go, I just wondered why it’s how we (collectively on MN) phrase it that way as it sounds ‘wrong’ to my ear, but i get it now.

Boredisboring Tue 21-May-19 07:17:38

OP, you want a discussion about language? Can we add "hence why" to the agenda?

StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 21-May-19 07:38:34

I am usually the whiniest if the grammer police but I see it as a state of being.

‘It’s like rai-ii-ainnn, on your wedding day...’

BippetyBoppityBooYouWhore Tue 21-May-19 07:41:58

Stillcoughing, I came to say just that grin

BertieBotts Tue 21-May-19 07:42:03

YY it's like going teetotal rather than being teetotal.

BippetyBoppityBooYouWhore Tue 21-May-19 07:43:06

Why does being Welsh mean that someone has questionable grammar? What on earth?

IDontLikeZombies Tue 21-May-19 07:44:48

Owl, my grandparents all spoke Gaelic. "A trouser" was used very frequently but my very favourite is "Come here you to me" 😂

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