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AIBU?

To have told my sister she’s bang out of order?

26 replies

Antisocialsocialist · 20/05/2019 21:13

I received a call from my niece last week. We aren’t particularly close so I was quite surprised that it was me she chose to confide in. She was concerned that her mum (my sister) was going to take her ex dp back. He was a v.abusive chap who almost ruined my sisters life and it ended very badly. The children were not keen on him but it affected my niece particularly badly. I told her there’s no way she’d take him back as she has a new boyfriend and she’d be mad to. Niece told me she’d heard them on the phone and hacked her phone and saw his messages. I told niece not to worry and I’d speak to her mum.

I approached the situation calmly with my sister as we’d already had a falling out previously about her ex. I told her what my niece had said and she got very defensive. When I asked her if it were true she admitted they were in touch. I told her I thought her behaviour was appalling and that she was setting a negative example to her children. The whole family love her new boyfriend and despise the old one. We argued for about 10 minutes and then she hung up the phone and blocked me. I haven’t been able to get hold of her since.

In the past when they have split up my sister has used my shoulder to cry on and has told me all of the awful things he has done to her. I can’t forget the things she told me. She told me at one point she feared for her life.

Niece has got in touch and confirmed it’s back on again and is contemplating moving in her with dad. I can’t even get a hold of my sister to tell her this and implore her to think about what she is doing.
I’ve been beside myself with worry and I’ve been really upset. I am only looking out for her and her children. She’s so abused by this man she can’t see what’s right in front of her.

Am I just an interfering old cow?

OP posts:

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WineGummyBear · 20/05/2019 21:21

Not interfering at all.

It's good that your neice felt she could contact you as it sounds like she will need your support.

Sorry this is happening to your family.

JuniFora · 20/05/2019 21:42

How many of her kids are living with her? I'd call social services if they're not living elsewhere before he moves back in.

Then leave her to it. She has made her choice, she doesn't even care for her own kids, she doesn't deserve anybody caring about her. Don't waste your energy on her, it'll just feed her want for him.

Antisocialsocialist · 20/05/2019 23:00

All the DC live with her. I don’t think she’d ever forgive me if I called SS. I may travel up to see her in the hope she can be reasoned with. I’m really annoyed with her that she’s cheating on her DP too. Perhaps it’s easy for me to say what with my 2.4 kids but I’d never put my love life before my children.

I’ve never been in any kind of abusive relationship so struggle to understand her POV but even with all the empathy in the world I’d still be angry with her for doing this again. I used to admire her but I just think she’s pathetic and told her just that which I know really regret.

OP posts:

Ehupflower · 20/05/2019 23:08

I feel for you, it's an awful position to be in.

catzrulz · 20/05/2019 23:12

How old are the children, sometimes you have to just rely on gut feelings where kids are involved.

LillithsFamiliar · 20/05/2019 23:27

You're not interfering but I don't think you handled it correctly. She was obviously going to be defensive. You said she confided in you before, it might have been better to let her tell you rather than start with a lecture. It's hard to cut ties with an abuser. If she feels isolated, she'll be even more susceptible to his abuse.

overnightangel · 20/05/2019 23:30

Are you able to contact her current partner (the nice one?)

MadameJosephine · 20/05/2019 23:34

I’d call social services and I wouldn’t care if she never forgave me. If she can’t protect her children from an abusive man then somebody else will have to. Please put the safety of these poor children first, they don’t deserve this

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 20/05/2019 23:56

Please ring SS.
I wish so hard that I'd had that sort of intervention when we needed it.

kateandme · 21/05/2019 09:49

i think this is a difficult one.its the on relationship where rules seemingly go out the window.n abusive relationship forgets reason where the victim is concerned.which is why with the lack of help and understanding needed the victims quite often are controled back in.and often people on the outside just cant understand it.but.every.single.time. they manage to reel them back in. the lack of self the abuser has made the victim feel means they still control everything.

Nofilter101 · 21/05/2019 10:15

Call ss, they won't take the children as long as she does what they say after their involvement. Someone has to protect the children and your sister clearly can't right now.

Antisocialsocialist · 21/05/2019 11:08

I ruminated on your comments overnight and just don’t know what is the best course of action. I think I at least owe it to my sister to try and speak to her before I do anything else. I’m penning an email at the moment in the hope she will at least talk to me.

Have checked in on niece this morning, she’s still v.upset and adamant my sister is seeing him secretly (late nights home, nights out, spending nights in her bedroom alone talking and general withdrawal and moodiness). Will continue to offer her my support and am also going to seek the advice of my mum. Then I’ll go from there.

What a mess. I just cannot believe the lack of judgement she’s shown and to not even think of her kids of her partner. I don’t recognise her anymore

OP posts:

bibliomania · 21/05/2019 11:14

How old are the dcs? In some ways, if she keeps him outside the house and there are no interactions with the dcs, the risk to the dcs isn't acute (although an abusive relationship will impact on her ability to parent them well).

I wonder if it's worth going all out and saying to her that if she moves him in or as him interact with her dcs in any way, you will be contacting SS. Yes, she'll break off contact, but it might make her think twice.

Ironymaiden · 21/05/2019 11:18

Are you seriously more concerned about your sisters mood over the safety of your sisters children? If they are in danger, and at risk you have a duty of care towards them. Your sister feared for her life because of this man and you’re willing to ignore that and not contact SS because your sister (who’s blocked you anyway) might be upset with you?

She is a grown adult who’s been around this particular block already. She knows what she’s doing. Her kids have no say in this. They need protecting. Not her.

Damntheman · 21/05/2019 11:20

I feel for you, I really do. My sister's husband is not my favourite person and there was a while when I considered his behaviour flat abusive. I called her out on it and she almost cut me off for good. I handled it very badly, you handled this very badly.

I understand, I did exactly the same thing in your shoes but it's not smart. She won't listen to you, you likely need to apologise for speaking out of turn in order to gain her trust back if you can stomach it. Ultimately your sister's romantic choices are her own, but I would also suggest keeping SS in your mind as an option to protect her children.

fannysonfire · 21/05/2019 11:26

OP were SS on the scene last time her ex was with her?

Id be calling them anyway, she hasnt learned and as an adult, so protect the kids.

JaneEyre07 · 21/05/2019 11:49

Her poor DC. She's making this choice, they have none.

Can you do a family "intervention" where you all make it clear that you will inform SS if she brings this man back into their lives?

Lizzie48 · 21/05/2019 12:23

This must be so tough for you, as obviously you’re worried about your sister’s DC, especially as it was your DNiece who got in touch with you. I do think you should give her an apology, as you did speak overly harshly to her, although obviously I understand why. It’s important that you keep the channels of communication with her open right now.

It sounds like a good solution for your DNiece to live with her dad for the moment, but obviously there are her other DC whose welfare needs to be taken into consideration. I agree with PPs that you should seriously consider contacting SS.

Marmablade · 21/05/2019 12:27

The behaviour you describe from your sister via her daughter is typical of a teenager not a mother of several! You can't let your niece be the parent here She needs your support so yes go up but genuinely think about SS. Domestic violence is the main reason children get taken into care in our area. Because it is hugely damaging.

JuniFora · 21/05/2019 18:50

She's not going to listen to you. So what if she never forgives you for calling social services. If this man harms one of the children, would you be able to forgive yourself? Call ss and tell her partner, her children need to be protected and her partner deserves to know that a crazy, dangerous man is back in her life and could pose a threat to him too.

gamerwidow · 21/05/2019 18:58

OP I feel for you so much but anything you do is pointless. She thinks he has changed and whatever you or anyone else thinks isn’t going to change her mind. I’ve spent the last 5 years watching my DSis do this over and over again. Everytime she swears to her kids she means it this time and then breaks their hearts again. I’ve had my niece and nephew living with me on and off because of it. Step away and go low contact but be there for the kids. These men are like an addiction and like any other addict you cannot help her.

gamerwidow · 21/05/2019 18:59

I hate to say this but also in my experience SS don’t care and they won’t intervene unless the children are being assaulted.

Bunnica15 · 21/05/2019 19:03

Just so as you know, if someone blocks you- you can still ring them if you dial 141 first.. your call will still connect

AsleepAllDay · 21/05/2019 19:09

I wouldn't worry that she'll 'never' forgive you - she probably swore she would never take him back and yet here she is... put the kids first, they have no one on their side in this one

Antisocialsocialist · 22/05/2019 10:53

I’ve discussed all of this wth my mum and we are going to go and see her unannounced to try and talk some sense into her. I admit I haven’t handled this very well but tbh I’m fed up of having to pick up the purée each time the man leaves and I’m extremely frustrated at the effect this is having on the kids.

I’ve read a lot about victims of abuse and understand it can’t be easy but no man, never mind how abused you are should ever come before your kids. She doesn’t really understand that concept. She won’t move him in immediately, she will prob date him for a while and hide it, which is what has become the pattern of behaviour.

We’ve agreed if she can’t be reasoned with we will think about involving SS but that really is a last resort.

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