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To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

(413 Posts)
PenelopeDelph Mon 20-May-19 01:15:19

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

Ifigotherewillbedouble Mon 20-May-19 01:19:47

Oh this is awful and I don’t know if it’s something I could get my head round. The fact he had no contact with his children is such a huge red flag, not telling you about them and then building bridges and lying to you throughout. It’s a lot to take in - I’ve no advice at all but can totally see why you are feeling the way you are.

PenelopeDelph Mon 20-May-19 01:24:20

Ifigotherewillbedouble knowing he ignored his kids for 10 years has changed the way i see his relationship with our dd. I always saw him as a great dad and this has changed everything. I can't help but think if he walked out on them after a split then he could the same to her if I left. He claims ex banned him seeing the kids whereas i would never do that do but still

Ifigotherewillbedouble Mon 20-May-19 01:27:20

Ex banned him? As if! He was married and had rights as their father. There is more to that story and the reason he wants to keep both of his ‘families’ separated is so he can tell each side his own version of events. I think you’re totally right unfortunately - he’s done it once so of course he can walk out on your DD.

adayatthebeach Mon 20-May-19 01:27:56

I’m shocked too. Didn’t you meet and make friends with his friends? I’m sure they would have mentioned his children.

Tattooissues Mon 20-May-19 01:29:47

I’m always intrigued by men who say they’ve been “banned” from seeing their kids.

Any fool who can google and fill in a court form would know women do not have the power to ban fathers from seeing their kids. I know complete fuckwits who have court ordered access. I also know a LOT of single mothers and weirdly enough every single one of them has done their utmost to keep their DC in contact with their fathers.

It’s universal code for “I walked away and couldn’t be bothered with them but I’m going to tell you she banned me so I don’t look like a cunt”. Usually followed up with an explanation of how his ex is “crazy and bitter” hmm

Stefoscope Mon 20-May-19 01:35:53

Yanbu, he's had 21 years to build a relationship with his eldest son (independent of his ex wife). I don't mean that as a reflection of yourself at all, you are most certainly not a mug. But I'd most definitely be thinking there's more to the way he's presented himself than meets the eye.

Ariesgirl1988 Mon 20-May-19 01:40:13

Wow OP I don't blame you for being hurt and incredibly pissed off. That's a major red flag and whats worse from the sounds of things his kids are resentful at him but you and your DD are the ones being blamed. I agree with Ifigotherewillbedouble sounds like he keeps you separated so he can spin his own versions of events to you all. I get it he wasn't in contact when you got together but there's no excuse for him blatantly hiding his kids from you and even worse building a relationship but excluding you and DD if you forgive him for this then he has some serious trust to try and earn back and rebuild

ladybug92 Mon 20-May-19 01:50:07

I'm so sorry this has happened and that he has hurt you in this horrific way. It would be over for me if I were you.

If you had known at the start that he abandoned his children, possibly/probably you never would have continued with him. Your whole life with him has been built on dishonesty and he has completely disrespected you by essentially taking away your choices. The choice to pick a man who is honest, to have children with the kind of man you want...

You deserve better xx

gamedout Mon 20-May-19 02:09:18

Wow. This might be one of the worst things I’ve read on mumsnet! It’s almost too bizarre to be true! Why wouldn’t he just tell you he had kids when he met you? That’s a huge lie. What else has he lied about? So how do you and your baby now fit into this new family set-up? I feel extremely sorry for you. I personally couldn’t get over this huge lie. It’s not just the initial omission it’s the subsequent lying about being at work etc. He’s shown himself to be completely untrustworthy. Then packaging up your baby’s things to give away without even asking?? He’s actually a massive twat isn’t he? You’ve ended up with a wrong un through no fault of yours. If he’d told you when you met that he had 3 kids he didn’t see them you might not have pursued the relationship. You weren’t given the chance to make that decision. I wonder how is ex feels about him suddenly reappearing and playing doting grandfather!!! I’d be ending the relationship and moving on to be honest. You deserve better than this liar. It’s also likely to get worse as you and your DD are now competing for his time, attention and money. I wouldn’t be playing that game.

cranstonmanor Mon 20-May-19 02:19:51

I don't think that I could get over the lies. He hid a whole life with three kids away.. .

BigSexyCrimeUnit Mon 20-May-19 02:30:06

I couldn’t stay with him after that. Top of my list for dumping him would be that he abandoned and denied his three previous children and now wants to pick them up again when they are older and he doesn’t have to pay for them or take any responsibility. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Secondly, you know he has told you massive lies so what else has he lied about? I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him, frankly. Thirdly, he is now treating you and your DD as something to be put in a separate box and excluded from everything to do with his first family. He is a slippery, immoral shit, you deserve better.

WanderingTrolley1 Mon 20-May-19 02:31:39

I would wonder what else he’s been hiding...

Graphista Mon 20-May-19 02:47:39

Wow! Did you not meet any relatives of his?

I too would be wondering what else he's hiding and what the hell he's told them about you and dd - if anything!

He's clearly a fairly skilled deceiver and has the perfect job for having women/families all over the place!

I have to say I agree with certain pps if I were in that position the second he'd told me it would've been over!

That's one hell of a secret he's kept!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 20-May-19 02:47:54

That's terrible - he should have told you from the outset!! Never mind if he had no contact - a friend of mine got together with her now DH who really was prevented from seeing his 2 DC by his ex - he would travel to see them every fortnight and end up not seeing them because she wouldn't answer the door, or they'd be out at friends' or something.
My friend knew about this from the off - it was a huge part of his life, and a huge sadness to him that he couldn't see his children.
So, while I know all people are different, I would expect that he would have at least mentioned it before now, especially perhaps when you were pregnant? or had your DD?? Really shocked that he didn't.

Massive red flags everywhere - he's a compartmentaliser, and you're in one box, while his sons are in another.

And how DARE he bag up your DD's clothes without even discussing it with you, as though you are of no account at all - yes it's also his DD but that's not the point - these things should be agreed upon!

Don't blame you for re-thinking everything, the foundations of your relationship have been kicked to shit.

Limpshade Mon 20-May-19 02:56:39

Oh wow, OP, what a bombshell. I have no real advice but thanks for you.

I'm not sure I could trust someone after a lie of this scale TBH but I appreciate you have a very young DC and it's complicated for you.

whyohwhyowhydididoit Mon 20-May-19 03:01:27

This is just awful OP. That he could conceal his children from you for such a long time, even after you were pregnant is a terrible, deceitful thing to do. To compound that lie by repeatedly lying to you about his recent whereabouts. To neglect his DC for so many years. I don’t know how you can ever trust him again.

I agree that this is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on MN or even IRL. I’m not quite sure how you can recover from this, but I wish you all the best as you go forwards. flowers

PenelopeDelph Mon 20-May-19 03:01:55

We've been out with 2 of his friends who have never mentioned the son's. Whether they've been told to keep quiet or it simply never occured to them to mention them I have no idea. They've all been friends for 20 odd years though so they do know about the kids. Obviously he's their main priority over us as a family so they'd do what he says.

He never sees any of his family except very rarely his brother. We last saw him a year ago and he has never mentioned the kids either. He's a waste of space though (won't get into that) so probably never saw an issue in his brother not telling us.

I came home willing to discuss things calmly with him only to find him packing up my baby's newborn clothes and that was like a stab in the heart really. I was going to pack it all up for a close friend and there were a few special pieces I wanted to keep but he had just chucked it all in a big ban. Even stuff MY family had gifted for MY DD. And it was going to go to a baby who I have no emotional connection to who will resent mine and DD's existence and has probably been told god knows what. Our DD completely disregared all in his desparate attempt to make things right with a child HE abandoned a decade ago.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 20-May-19 03:02:30

This is a lie of such massive proportions it simply can't be forgiven. He was not "banned" from seeing his children. That is utter bullshit. He chose to abandon them and then pretend they don't exist. There is no possible way you can trust him or look at him the same way again.

PenelopeDelph Mon 20-May-19 03:03:31

*a baby who's father will resent mine and DD's existence

expat101 Mon 20-May-19 04:06:28

I can understand that from experiences he may have had with his Ex he chose to back out of his 3 other children's lives until they were adults.

I don't understand though is why he didn't tell you about their existence esp. when it became obvious your relationship was becoming serious.

Now he is home packing up your baby things to give to his grandchild? Nah that isn't on. He should have politely asked you if there was anything spare, to begin with.

Have any plans been made for you to meet these adult children and for them to meet their half-sibling? If not, I don't think your relationship with him is going very far at all.

Atleastihavethecat Mon 20-May-19 04:25:14

I don't know if I could get over the lies. And a few years ago I'd have called bullshit on the being banned part too. I think I'd need more information on that one. (My dp has a long court case with his ex and there has been times where he has felt like giving up, there's been times when I felt like telling him to give up) so based on that experience, I'd reserve judgement.

But having 3 kids and a grandchild is a huge thing not to tell your partner, and to lie about.

If it was me I think I'd want to know what he hoped to achieve, how he sees this working out long term especially with your DD, and if he actually understands why what he did was wrong. Because from what you've posted it doesn't exactly sound like it.

Mummaofmytribe Mon 20-May-19 04:35:50

Whoa. So even went you went through pregnancy and birth he played along like it was his first time too!
OP that's awful. He's kept the most important part of his life before you a secret.
You must be reeling. I don't think I could come back from that. He's put you in the most unfair position and you must be questioning everything.
I really hope you're as ok as you can be after that bombshell.

Mumsymumphy Mon 20-May-19 04:38:44

All those lies! Lie after lie after lie, year after year.

LTB, life's too short for this shit. You and DD will be just fine without him.

sheettent Mon 20-May-19 04:46:53

Oh my god. I wouldn't be able to be with dh if I found this out. It would kill the relationship for me. You can never trust him again!

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