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Sex during pregnancy - very personal!

(75 Posts)
MummyToBe89 Sun 19-May-19 16:55:20

Hi all, fairly new to mumsnet and hope this isn’t too personal, I feel embarrassed writing it but I’d love your opinions.

My wife is 9 weeks pregnant with our first child and is terrified of having sex. We are a same sex couple so there would be no deep penetration (I can feel myself blushing!) but it’s not that that she’s worried about.

She feels that a strong climax may result in harm to the baby due to the contractions. I think she’s scared it could detach. I told her I’d read it’s actually encouraged during pregnancy especially as it brings couples closer together, but she’s too scared and of course I’d never push her.

I’m just worried that after 9 months of this we may grow apart. In the past if we’ve had a troubled patch and haven’t been intimate we’ve felt very much like 2 friends living together. It’s very common for lesbians to feel this way I believe it’s called lesbian death bed.

Did anyone else feel the same during pregnancy. I have told my wife we can wait until she’s ready and I’d never tell her I posted it on here, but would love to hear your thoughts.

I should add she suffered from one previous miscarriage which is why I am totally understanding of how she feels.

Chilledout11 Sun 19-May-19 16:57:39

I think as she is quite early in pregnancy and previous history of miscarriage I think she might feel comfortable after 12 weeks when she has reassurance / scan.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes Sun 19-May-19 16:58:50

If sex is the only way you feel close you are doing something very wrong

MrsHormonal2019 Sun 19-May-19 17:03:23

Any chance she using it as an excuse? There's too much scientific studies which prove nothing to worry about unless you got pre existing conditions or history of early delivery etc.
Could be feeling like shit and just doesn't want sex. I had a few days of feeling like I was run over by a truck and hungover at the same time. Definitely not up for sex which is completely unlike me.

FannyFeatures Sun 19-May-19 17:03:32

I have never seen or heard anyone recommend sex during pregnancy because "it brings couples closer together".

That sounds very much like you're saying your relationship is based solely on sex.

It's perfectly normal to go off sex during pregnancy, I didn't want/couldn't be arsed with sex for about 6 months after either of mine were born either!

pompomcat Sun 19-May-19 17:05:39

This is the official NHS guidance
It says "If your pregnancy is normal and you have no complications, having sex and orgasms won't increase your risk of going into labour early or cause a miscarriage"...
Pregnancy after loss is an anxious time, so maybe a chat with the midwife might put her mind at rest? Failing that perhaps she might feel more relaxed after the scans as a pp said.
Congratulations on your baby and good luck to you both smile

@WithAllIntenseAndPurposes I'm not sure that's what the OP is saying, she sounds very considerate to me. Sex in relationships is important to the vast majority of people and OP has explained her concerns.

MummyToBe89 Sun 19-May-19 17:07:31

I don’t think she’s using it as an excuse as there’s been times when we’ve been close to and she’s stopped us as she’s too worried.

@Withall it’s not the only thing but as a couple with a great sex life normally it’s just very noticeable when we stop. We’re very much in love.

We have a very open relationship in terms of communication and she’d have no problem telling me if she just didn’t want to. She’s the opposite she’s also worried that she doesn’t feel pregnant enough!

I don’t want to push her I just wondered if people usually have sex during pregnancy so if she does want to I can reassure her.

It seems like too personal a question to ask our friends so I thought I’d just ask a bunch of strangers grin

MummyToBe89 Sun 19-May-19 17:09:57

@pompomcat thank you very much for the advice I’ll be sure to read up on it. We’ve actually already had a couple of scans as we went private (since we can’t conceive naturally smile )

Baby is as well as can be, the perfect size, strong heartbeat and probably the most loved grape sized thing in the world right now grin

Jammysod Sun 19-May-19 17:14:38

I think you just need to give her time and respect her wishes. Her body is going through this massive change and hormones are all over the place. Like others have said, she might feel better after the 12 week scan & you generally feel better (though obviously not everyone is the same) in the 2nd trimester.
You can still be close and intimate without the sex.

Motherof3feminists Sun 19-May-19 17:21:56

If you are struggling at only what, 7 weeks max of knowing she's pregnant then how are you going to cope after she gives birth? Some women want sex quite soon, others have terrible injuries to their vulva and vagina and have stitches to contend with. Or a c-section scar. Possible infection, definite bleeding. That coupled with sleepless nights, hormonal changes, sore breasts, breastfeeding issues and just generally trying to adapt to motherhood does not usually mean sex is at the forefront of a mother's mind. I agree with pp that you have problems if you think sex is the only way of being close.

Lunde Sun 19-May-19 17:22:17

Having a miscarriage means that pregnancy is never the same again. You always have the fear that you could lose the pregnancy.

I would be sensitive to the way she is feeling and try to find other ways to be close.

NerrSnerr Sun 19-May-19 17:25:13

I went off sex during both my pregnancies. I was too tired and sick (apart from about a fortnight when 7 months gone). After birth breastfeeding reduced my libido too. We talked about it regularly and always made the time if I was in the mood.

My husband was fine about it but I think being open and honest helped, reassuring him that I hadn't stopped fancying him, I just didn't want sex at that time. Just to be warned though, I didn't want sex until after 6 months postpartum both times. After breastfeeding and having a baby on me for most of the day I couldn't bare to be touched by someone else!

smartcarnotsosmartdriver Sun 19-May-19 17:27:32

I'm 12 weeks with a previous miscarriage and me and DH haven't had sex much until this point. I wanted to but I was also (possible irrationally) scared that something bad would happen.
We've had scans now and we've seen that whoever is in there is just fine and where that should be. Also I no longer feel like I could throw up at any turn I feel much more like it. She may change her mind, she may not. Do your best to just love her and be there for her.

Alsohuman Sun 19-May-19 17:27:39

You're not going to like this but my body became a sacred temple when I was pregnant. I had no libido at all. Other people say they were rampant so it seems it can go either way. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want sex.

museumum Sun 19-May-19 17:28:06

First trimester is very odd and a scary time. I felt a lot more sure of things around 14 weeks.

museumum Sun 19-May-19 17:29:37

Also it is very very likely you’ll have no sex after the birth for at least nine weeks, probably longer. So it’s good for you to find other ways to bond and for intimacy now.

CodenameVillanelle Sun 19-May-19 17:32:04

I didn't want sex whilst I had morning sickness. Nothing about that period was sexy. She may change her feelings once she's more established in the pregnancy. Or she may not! You must be patient.

diddl Sun 19-May-19 17:33:51

" I told her I’d read it’s actually encouraged during pregnancy especially as it brings couples closer together, "

Encouraged-why would you think that?

I doubt that it's discouraged, but really it's up to her, isn't it?

Why would she need reassuring if she wants to?

Don't you think that she can decide for herself?

Leave her alone to make her mind up.

Even if you think that her reasons are wrong, why would you try to push her to do something that she doesn't want to?

Qsandmore Sun 19-May-19 17:34:21

After a missed miscarriage I didn’t want sex during pregnancy. My (ex) DH never pushed the matter (not why we split we had 3!).

Respect her choice, find intimacy via other ways. It’s that simple.

Fundays12 Sun 19-May-19 17:35:05

There is no reason why you can’t have sex unless the medical profession have said otherwise. She maybe absolutely exhausted and feeling rubbish so the last thing on her mind is sex.

I am 7 months pregnant and haven’t had much sex as early on I felt like I had a permanent hangover and was throwing up and later on I have had a lot of medical complications. You don’t need sex to keep you close just now she needs to know you support her as growing a little person is incredibly hard work.

Whoops75 Sun 19-May-19 17:37:14

Does no orgasm for her mean no orgasm for you? Is that the problem?

I hope this pregnancy goes well for ye x

MummyToBe89 Sun 19-May-19 17:41:22

I’d like to just make it clear that so that I’m not constantly getting the same comment, I am not worried this is the only way we can be close. We are very affectionate, even if we’re just sitting on the couch we’re holding hands, cuddling, if I’m cooking she comes up behind me for cuddles etc.

I just wanted advice on whether people had sex during pregnancy or if they decided not to. If my wife decides that she doesn’t want to that’s absolutly fine, she’s giving me a child she can stop it for the rest of our lives for all I care wink

@smartcar congratulations you must be over the moon. We’ve basically had the all clear now as we’ve had a couple of scans and have been moved from fertility clinic to a midwife which is so exciting!

@nerrsnerr sorry to hear you had such a touch pregnancy. As I said earlier my wife is the opposite, I think she’s like some sickness to reassure her that the baby is still there and growing! We’ve spoke quite openly and she’s explained that she wants to (as I say we’ve had to stop ourselves a few times) but is just too worried.

My wife read that you shouldn orgasm during the 2 weeks wait after IVF as the contractions may stop the egg implanting and I think she’s carried that into her pregnancy. I just want to reassure her if other people have said they did through pregnancy and we’re ok.

whataboutbob Sun 19-May-19 17:42:20

If it helps, I got very sexually “ hungry” in the last trimester.
I hope it gets sorted out, it’s not nice feeling like you need sex while your partner just I sent interested/ has a mental barrier whatever that may be. Been there, it hurts. Good luck.

MummyToBe89 Sun 19-May-19 17:44:38

@diddl granted I read it on the internet so god knows if it’s true but it was on an article along the lines of how to keep your marriage strong through pregnancy. At what point have I said I’m pushing her? My wife is everything to me and trust me when I say if anyone is likely to be pushed over it’s me.
My wife wants to but is worried I’ve said I’d happily wait but I just wondered what other people did during their pregnancy.

First time mum here so will have lots of questions for the next 6 months I’m sure!

DoneLikeAKipper Sun 19-May-19 17:52:34

If my wife decides that she doesn’t want to that’s absolutly fine, she’s giving me a child she can stop it for the rest of our lives for all I care

Well that’s rather contradictory to your op. Especially when you said;

I’m just worried that after 9 months of this we may grow apart. In the past if we’ve had a troubled patch and haven’t been intimate we’ve felt very much like 2 friends living together. It’s very common for lesbians to feel this way I believe it’s called lesbian death bed.

Feels like your backtracking somewhat because you want sex but now realise you’re not going to get much support here in expecting it.

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