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To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

(154 Posts)
Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 10:43:28

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant sad

Shahlalala Sun 19-May-19 10:46:05

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine the pain of 7 miscarriages.
I hope someone with better advice will be along soon.
Please don’t be cruel to yourself, you are amazing and dealing with so much. Do you have anyone IRL you could talk to? Have you seen a dr about the miscarriages?
flowers

ohfourfoxache Sun 19-May-19 10:48:07

Oh I’m so sorry sad

No advice, just a virtual (and very unMNetty) hug x

Siennabear Sun 19-May-19 10:48:26

Have you seen your gp about the miscarriages? There may be an underlying reason. I believe they can investigate if you have had 3.
I know how you are feeling. We were told we had no chance of children without ivf. As it turns out we now have 2 which happened naturally.
Hugs to you, take time to grieve x

Coronapop Sun 19-May-19 10:50:46

Are you getting medical advice and help. eg has the possible cause been explored to see if there is treatment that might prevent miscarriage in future pregnancies?

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:17:05

Yes, we know the cause. It's basically just luck every time I get pregnant. Clearly I don't have very much of it.

I'm just so fed up. I honestly feel like doing H a favour by packing up and fucking off.

tenbob Sun 19-May-19 11:19:09

I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking.

You say you know the cause - are there any (more) treatments you could explore?

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:21:11

No, it's either try naturally until it works (which I'm losing hope of) or ivf with genetic testing (we we can't afford)

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:22:20

I just want to leave. I want to fuck my job off and everything else and just go. I'm tearing my hair out at the thought of just carrying on normal life like I'm not broken.

iluvsummer Sun 19-May-19 11:33:11

Have you been seen by a consultant? I have experienced this and it was unexplained, it’s heartbreaking as you’re not given an answers. I asked for progesterone suppositories which they wouldn’t give me so I went to a private fertility clinic and had a private prescription which I had to use as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, fortunately I got pregnant again and used them for the first 12 weeks and have gone on to have 2 successful pregnancies using the progesterone each time. It may have been the use of them or just luck, I’ll never know but I’m thankful that I took them. It may be worthwhile looking into having investigations done privately if you’re not getting anywhere with the nhs. Good luck cx

littlemisscynical Sun 19-May-19 11:47:45

So sorry OP sad

FancyAPint Sun 19-May-19 11:48:57

flowers

Fucking off won't change anything, don't do that xxx

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:51:00

iluvsummer

Thank you, mine are explained. I have a translocation that affects chromosomes. There's no treatment other than IVF with genetic testing to select an unaffected egg prior to implantation. That or I just carry on naturally until it happens which I just can't believe it will.

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:52:17

How do I just sit at my desk tomorrow and pretend I'm fine? I don't know what to do.

PicsInRed Sun 19-May-19 11:54:08

7 isn't luck. 7 has a cause, which may be discoverable.

Have you tried a private consultant?
The public system can be a bit "general" and anything outside of that general expectation (i.e. rare) can get lost.

flowers

PicsInRed Sun 19-May-19 11:55:13

Ahhh, cross posted.
I'm so sorry. Have you considered the genetic testing. Would that be something you would want to do?

Shelby2010 Sun 19-May-19 11:56:33

Are you sure you don’t qualify for IVF funding with genetic testing? NHS England should fund 3 cycles, not sure what the other inclusion criteria are though? So sorry you are going through this 😕

swingofthings Sun 19-May-19 11:57:05

Just a suggestion. Could be two different issues? The genetic one AND the issue with progesterone. Would it be worth trying it? That is when you are ready to try again. In the meantime, you need to grieve and shout your pain.

cakeandchampagne Sun 19-May-19 11:57:16

I agree with Pics, 7 isn’t luck-related.
How old are you?

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 11:59:17

7 isn't luck. 7 has a cause, which may be discoverable

There is a cause and we know what it is. It's called a balanced translocation. It's a genetic problem inherited from my parents.

What I mean by luck is it's essentially luck every time I get pregnant whether the egg will be affected or not. Clearly, my luck isn't very good as I haven't managed 1 out of 7.

Every time I allow myself to hope and think positive it gets taken away so I'm just a negative now, it's easier.

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-May-19 12:00:03

"
Today 11:52 Ohkayyy

How do I just sit at my desk tomorrow and pretend I'm fine? I don't know what to do."
You don't, you've just had a miscarriage. Take some sick leave
flowers

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 12:00:54

They haven't offered IVF yet (I am under the recurrent miscarriage clinic at hosp) but I understand there are certain catchment areas and the fact my H has children already may mean we won't be able to.

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 12:01:30

You don't, you've just had a miscarriage. Take some sick leave

I've had 7 though. I can't keep taking time. Their understanding will wear off eventually sad

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-May-19 12:02:44

Oh I see. Yes.
Is your manager generally understanding and sympathetic? What do you do, could you arrange to work from home later this week?

Ohkayyy Sun 19-May-19 12:03:18

That is when you are ready to try again. In the meantime, you need to grieve and shout your pain

It sounds daft but I'll be trying again the minute I stop bleeding. I can't stop. I feel like I'm wasting time if I do.

How old are you?

27

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