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Husband not happy I earned more

(181 Posts)
rolex142 Sun 19-May-19 10:20:03

So as the title says my husband keeps bringing up the fact I earned 7k more than him last year as he states he hasn't seen a penny of it. I earn about 2k more than him a year but was offered lots of overtime when we wasn't bringing this to 7/8k. He knows this as he asked for my P60 and compared both. He has frequently called me tight despite me paying for everything that we all need. I know how much it would stress him out and piss him off I was to expect him to buy the baby clothes.

We share a house and have a 2yo. We pay the same amount in to a joint account to pay the joint bills for the house. Everything else we pay out our own accounts. We do this because in the past he has been quite reckless with money and when we had a joint account (it was actually his account where I paid my wages and had no card) he spent a lot of money on rubbish and we were pretty skint.

We both had debt when we met, he had 30k+ on credit cards and nothing to show for it. He worked 2 jobs to pay them off and we vowed never to have bad debt again.

A few years later he increased the joint loan we had without my knowledge or consent. It was to pay for my surprise birthday trip away, I wasn't happy about it but was told I was ruining things by getting hung up on it.

Fast forward to today. He doesn't get offered much overtime but will work it when he does. I get offered a lot and he encourages me to work it but I'd much prefer to be at home on the weekends.

I pay for Xmas, birthdays, clothes, most days out, home furnishings and all the food throughout the month. He pays for petrol and the rest of his money is his own. He has paid for a holiday he was desperate for us to go on, I have agreed to cover the spending money and on the months he had to make an instalment I have paid for pretty much everything that month.

He brings up money all the time and his latest comment of you earn more and Iv not seen a penny really cut me, I don't have a secret stash of cash (like he suspects I do) I don't buy myself very much and shop in primark when I do. I have no hobbies and I am very low maintenance, haven't been near a hairdresser or beautician in months. I never discuss money and I live frugally, like to get a bargain and I'm not reckless with cash so I'm also intrigued as to where this extra 7k went but I know that it has just been used to live, we eat (and waste) a lot of food and I'm never out the supermarket. I can count on one hand the nights out Iv had in the last year and he knows all this so who is really being unreasonable here?

He wants a joint account with all the money going in to it, I don't as I know it will end up with him spending most of it. He says he has changed but I don't really want to take the chance as I don't believe it. This month all Iv heard is how skint he is so he took my card to pay for petrol and he cracked up as it was declined. I had no idea how much money was in my bank and moved some savings in to pay for the petrol but he cracked up about how I should have known and seems indignant that I didn't have money when he has paid £800 to the holiday this month (he has not saved any money for the holiday so had to use it all out of one pay).

Sorry I have totally waffled on here, I'm so hurt by it all. We have had a really rough year and split up a few times. I'm starting to realise that all his issues are coming from money and i just don't get it as I buy everything he needs and he is more than happy for me to earn more. He says it doesn't bother him and he wished I earned much more as he has no ambition to get promotion but knows I do.

Sparkletastic Sun 19-May-19 10:26:08

He sounds like he wants to profit from your hard work and careful money management without putting in any effort himself or compensating in other ways. Split up and stay split this time. You can do better.

Wer2Next Sun 19-May-19 10:30:11

Start saving now for an exit plan. Keep your OT money.

He is useless.

MsVestibule Sun 19-May-19 10:31:03

Ignoring the fact that your DH sounds like a massive bellend, the way you work out your money seems to be a bit chaotic. You start well enough by having one account for bills that you pay equal amounts into, but shouldn't that include food and all other essential family expenditure, e.g. cars, petrol, holidays, stuff that your DC needs? That way, you don't constantly have the 'well, I pay for this, this and this' only to be met with 'well, I pay for this, this and this and that adds up to more' conversations.

We have a joint account where all income goes into and all family stuff comes. We also set up two SOs out of it (equal amount) to our sole accounts to spend on whether we want without the other questioning it. Would that work for you?

7yo7yo Sun 19-May-19 10:36:11

Why are you with this joy and money sucking sponge?
You love him but he resents you.
I’d think he’s planning on leaving by asking for your p60 etc.
I’d also wonder about hidden debt.
I bet he’s ran up more debt of £20k.
I would do a credit check on him.

Orchidoptic Sun 19-May-19 10:36:18

I’m sorry that he was such a dick. If you do decide to stay, don’t let him look at your P60 ever again. And don’t get bullied into a joint account. Your gut feelings are probably right, and you don't want to find yourself penniless again due to him.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Sun 19-May-19 10:40:08

Does he think fairies clothe your child? confused

Of course YANBU
He sounds vile and totally useless as a partner and parent.

Split up and don’t get back together he’ll just continue to make you miserable

Kko1986 Sun 19-May-19 10:44:57

Sorry about the phrasing but you are not a cash cow. You pay for a lot in your home and I'm sorry it sounds like he is a money grabbing idiot.

He wouldn't want to buy clothes for the baby? How disgusting.
I wouldn't normally say it but he sounds from this post to have no respect for you. So think what do you get from this relationship?
You have shown your not stingy you are in fact from this post very generous.
Don't let this man drain you.

simplythepest Sun 19-May-19 10:47:48

I can’t get over the fact that he asked for your p60 shock

I can’t imagine my husband even thinking of asking me for it.

Chickychoccyegg Sun 19-May-19 10:49:17

sounds like he could be in debt again, he also sounds like a conplete arse, don't share money with him, infact, I'd be thinking about getting out of the relationship

rolex142 Sun 19-May-19 10:49:27

Thanks all for confirming I'm not going mad coz he does like to make me think I am!!

MsVestible, we did work it like that but too often there wasn't enough left as he would just buy his lunch/snacks/junk every day in Tesco and either think I wouldn't notice it that it was ok to spend £10+ a day on food for himself. We aren't high earners. Then it would be a fight about who had money left at the end of the month to pay for food.

I am considering going back to something like this tho to act fairly in his eyes but to prove a point as I don't think he realises how good he has it. If we pay in enough to cover the bills and then more for food/petrol/baby stuff. I will pay in a higher percentage in accordance with my slightly higher basic wage and then EVERYTHING will get paid from the joint. I think he will end up shocked at how much it takes to run a house although he couldn't care less if we lived in a tip. The first thing to go will be home furnishings. He lives like a pig

billy1966 Sun 19-May-19 10:51:48

He is vile, financially abusive and not to be trusted.
Listen to your gut.
Don't waste time being hurt.
You need to make a plan that does not include him.
He is bringing you down and will not contribute to a better future for you and your child.
You sound like a great Mum and partner.
He sounds like a selfish looser.
Best of luck.

OrchidInTheSun Sun 19-May-19 10:52:42

Just leave him. He's a massive man child. He won't change and if you get promoted he will just carry on moaning.

INeedAFlerken Sun 19-May-19 10:53:41

Do NOT give him control over your money. He is fixated on having more to spend on himself. You already pay for everything except the petrol in his car, and he wants to know where your 'extra' £7k went? ON HIM! Your child! The house! All the parties, presents, and extras. What he eats!

I would seriously consider divorcing him, tbh. This won't end well, and he hasn't changed, contrary to what he's saying. His fixation on your money proves it.

BlueJava Sun 19-May-19 10:54:33

I would hazard a guess that he may be in more debt again. I think you should think about whether you always want to live like this and hatch an exit plan with that overtime.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Sun 19-May-19 10:54:33

I am considering going back to something like this

Stop wasting your time.
Consider how you want to separate from the useless man instead.

Quartz2208 Sun 19-May-19 10:54:51

OP why bother and not just create an exit plan

is the house owned or rented?

spinn Sun 19-May-19 10:55:12

Op do you have an family budget written down?

It really sounds from your post that neither of you are great with money (although you infinitely better!)

I wouldn't have a joint account with him if he's going to spend it all. I'd do the budget and split the bills between the two people. Then withdraw cash float for spends. There are loads of different methods, googling will help you there ....ynab is great (you need a budget)

HillRunner Sun 19-May-19 10:57:00

Jesus Christ, what does he actually add to your life? Get rid, and spend/save money in ways of your own choosing.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Sun 19-May-19 10:57:35

I think you should have stayed split up.
Honestly, he'll never change.
He sounds pretty insulting, grabby and he definitely has no respect for you.
He's a spendaholic too.
Some people actually enjoy the buzz, stress and drama of being in financial difficulty and then pulling their partner down with them in order to pay it off.

Whisky2014 Sun 19-May-19 10:57:39

I would definitely split it based on a % on I come earned. And make sure that is all paid into a joint account. Then make sure any money you have left, he can't touch.

Cheeky sod he is.

crimsonlake Sun 19-May-19 10:58:06

Are you actually listening to the good advice given on here? From your response it appears you are simply going to continue with this sorry state of affairs and waste of space of a partner.

kbPOW Sun 19-May-19 10:58:22

He just sounds horrible, lazy and dishonest. You deserve much better.

Answeringonlyyesorno Sun 19-May-19 10:59:23

If he increased a joint loan without your knowledge then he forged your signature. That's fraud. I'd run a credit check on you both to see what else is lurking. Don't get a joint account he cannot be trusted!
He's showing you who he is, you cant fix it. Walk away.

AnnaMagnani Sun 19-May-19 11:00:08

Nothing you say about him is nice.

I do think the way you have organized your finances will lead to rows - you are still left bickering about who pays for petrol, children's clothes, food bills and so on. However I think that is now besides the point.

I suspect he is on at you because he has accumulated debt again.

You keep splitting up. You are always rowing about money. You have different standards on how to live you don't want to live in a shit tip It's no good is it? Just go.

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