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To have told 6yo the truth.

(465 Posts)
malm275 Sun 19-May-19 05:50:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

Propertywoes Sun 19-May-19 08:01:07

Id say you're a worse bully than the 6 year old.

themiddlestair Sun 19-May-19 08:01:32

To those saying that 'she's only 6, she's still so young' - which age do you deem appropriate for a child to be told their nasty behaviour is affecting others? When they're 7? 9? 13?

She has to be old and mature enough to understand what is being said to her. SHe'd have to be mature enough to reflect back on her past behaviour, referred to out of context, and understand that it was nasty. Just suddenly, out of context, being told ' you are unkind' (and in the context this meant - and we don't like you). OP has already said this girl regards her daughter as her best friend and that this girl has issues.

She sounds like a little girl who is struggling to understand how to constructively socialise with others. All your comment did OP, was make her feel bad about herself because her 'friend' doesn't like her after all' without her even understanding why, let alone have the tools to deal with it.

Some posters here are expecting a six year old, and a struggling six year old at that, to have the emotional and rational maturity of an adult.

Children are not small adults - they are children.

AJPTaylor Sun 19-May-19 08:06:47

I did something similar altho my dd was 8 or 9. And the other child had ruined her previous 2 parties. I do not regret it.

MyYe Sun 19-May-19 08:07:23

I don't think you were unreasonable.

Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite

Hopefully she'll now stop harrasing your daughter for an invite and sending her home in tears every day.

Fiveredbricks Sun 19-May-19 08:10:02

In the bigger picture OP you didn't do anything wrong. Own it. The girl is not nice and it's not your job to pander to that behaviour or worry about how the outcomes od her behaviour affect her. That is for her mother and father to worry about.

You keep doing you and let your daughter live her life how she wants to without influences from poorly parented and behaved children. You're doing a good thing by teaching her to stand up for herself and stand her ground, and that what she wants for herself is important. Because it is.

Anyone who says ywbu to the other girl needs to give their head a wobble, frankly. You were firm and honest and not cruel or nasty. It is not your concern to manage her feelings.

Fiveredbricks Sun 19-May-19 08:11:02

@themiddlestair and that is the responsibility of her parents to manage that and educate her on that. No one elses. Get a fucking grip.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 19-May-19 08:12:59

What a load of crap - "Op is worse bully than 6yo" - bollocks!

All she said was "you're not very kind to my DD" - that's factual, it's not namecalling, it's not rude - it's a statement of fact and a reason why the child hasn't been invited. I doubt she was crying over the reason, just crying because she didn't get her own way and didn't get the invitation she'd been badgering for.

Yes, doubtless it would have been better if half the playground hadn't heard it, but it would have also been better if the mother of said child had reined her DD in and told her to leave it.

Agree entirely that you put this in the hands of the school, if there is anything to "deal with" - do not contact the mother. And I agree that it's highly unlikely that the other mother is thinking about anything to do with your DD's feelings, she's far more likely to be bitching about you to her DD than anything else. If she was the sort to worry about another child's feelings, she would have apologised for her DD's behaviour, not given you dirty looks.

themiddlestair Sun 19-May-19 08:13:19

that is the responsibility of her parents to manage that and educate her on that. No one elses. Get a fucking grip

Yes, just like it was your parent's responsibility to manage and educate you to how to have respectful dialogue with people you disagree with.

EnglishRose13 Sun 19-May-19 08:15:00

I don't think you're wrong not to invite the unkind child, but I think telling a 6 year old the reason, in front of everyone at school, was pretty cruel!

FudgeBrownie2019 Sun 19-May-19 08:23:14

She sounds like a little girl who is struggling to understand how to constructively socialise with others.

This is absolutely right, but unless her family pull her up and teach her those skills, other parents like OP are going to spend the next ten years trying to protect their own DC from her. Which is grossly unfair.

Not teaching your DC to just be kind, warm people is doing them a huge disservice.

stucknoue Sun 19-May-19 08:25:22

Telling the truth is sometimes blunt and the girl was wrong to demand an invitation from you in the first place. In retrospect yes you could have handled it better but you were put on the spot

PeakedTooEarly Sun 19-May-19 08:26:30

Had the mother of this 6yo already got a grip of the situation this would not have occurred. A large percentage of the blame for this lies there.

Sometimes things are said in the moment. OP is uncomfortable about how it happened and that is obvious from her post. It was an emotional situation not helped by the useless husband having failed in his tiny little task. I don't think OP can be blamed for answering the way she did in the moment. We have all done it. The 6yo doesn't have the ability to deal with this but she could have if others around her that are already aware she has the tendency to bully, showed her the error of her ways prior to this event. She has been let down but mostly not by the OP.

60secondfacetimer Sun 19-May-19 08:29:01

The OP was annoyed and upset this child had been upsetting her child all week and then the cheeky child had the balls to ask why she wasn't invited. Yes it may not of been the best thing to say to a 6 year old but with everything that had gone on I most likely would of said the same thing.

RantyAnty Sun 19-May-19 08:29:27

Not sure why you had to give out 6 invitations at the school. Couldn't you have rang up the mums and invited or emailed them? That probably would have prevented a lot of the drama about the party.

Xyzzzzz Sun 19-May-19 08:31:59

I don’t think you were unreasonable not intentionally as it just slipped out.

if the school are involved surely they’d have explained to the child that her behaviour is not nice with other children and her parents Would be picking this up? Maybe she ran off in tears as she finally understood the impact of her behaviour. I know she’s only 6 but doesn’t mean that she lacks awareness.

giddyyup Sun 19-May-19 08:32:01

All those saying OP is unreasonable and a bully herself were probably the school bully back in their day.

OP good on you. I'd do the same.

Quartz2208 Sun 19-May-19 08:32:14

OH OP I think the problem is you know you said it in a momentary loss of control and that is never the best way of handling things.

As this thread has shown there will be differences in opinion and everyone saw you which has created a difficult environment for you and your daughter (even if you said the truth) and that the mother will not let this go (if she is anything like the mother of the girl who did it to my DD I definitely feel for you).

So the right or wrong of what you do is immaterial now I think you need to focus on damage limitation and how to handle the fallout because I think you suspect there will be some

cookiechomper Sun 19-May-19 08:33:48

You were wrong to do this. I'd advise letting the school deal with it instead of arguing with a 6 year old. It's not your place to pull this child up on her behaviour, it's the school and her parents. So even though you were put on the spot you should have said something else or walked away.

YouJustDoYou Sun 19-May-19 08:34:09

Ok, I was like that 6 year old. I was (and am) on the spectrum, but no one ever, ever, taught me what was right and what was wrong and how the things I said could hurt people's feelings. As a result, it took me many years when I was far older to learn how to act and talk to people appropriately. I wish an adult would've told it to me straight. As it was, they would just shoot me filthy looks and keep their children away from me, but no one ever actually explained to me why.

I think it was a bit harsh, but...personally, I wish someone had also been harsh to me.

swingofthings Sun 19-May-19 08:37:58

Considering we can't gather the tone of voice with written words it's hard to say. There's a massive difference between saying 'I know you want to be close friend with DD,but sometimes you are not very nice to her. I'm sure you don't mean to, but it makes DD sad, that's why she decided not to invite you this time' and say it with a smile and kind eyes, and giving her the evil eye and tell her with a very harsh tone 'because you are man to her and she doesn't like you'.

Babynut1 Sun 19-May-19 08:40:16

Too much pandering to little sods going on these days. Fair play to you op. Maybe now she’ll think twice about asking again.
The reason she went off in tears was probably more to do with the fact you said no, not because of the reason.

Beautiful3 Sun 19-May-19 08:41:56

You were being unreasonable, she is only six. I would have said, "because dd chose her friends and there's no room for any more. Sorry sweetie, see you tomorrow".

Ferii Sun 19-May-19 08:43:11

YANBU. You weren't nasty you were just truthful. The child asked why she couldn't come and you gave her a truthful answer in an easy to understand, age appropriate way. You weren't being mean, just honest. Hopefully she learns from it that there are consequences to how she treats other ppl. You also said "no sorry not this time" which leaves the door open for her to attend in future if she modifies her behaviour. I think your response was good and since the school has asked you not to approach the other mother directly there's nothing more you can do.

Inniu Sun 19-May-19 08:46:07

Leaving the child out of the party is fine but publicly humiliating a small child may have made you feel better but it unlikely to be effective in improving her behavior.

bevelino Sun 19-May-19 08:50:17

I don’t think OP was unreasonable but other parents may not have known the history between the two children and are likely to wonder why OP had upset a child.

I am all for bullies being called out and when my 4 dds (including triplets) started school, dh and I put a lot of work in with them to minimise them being bullied or being the bullies.

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