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To have told 6yo the truth.

(465 Posts)
malm275 Sun 19-May-19 05:50:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

mycatisblack Sun 19-May-19 07:09:41

Good grief, she's being mean to your DD and you're anxious about hurting this girl's feelings? Unclench and forget it. You're not responsible for her behaviour and it's good that she now knows there are consequences to being mean and she probably did needed telling.

Redwinestillfine Sun 19-May-19 07:10:07

I would have just said it's not a party just a few very close friends. If I were the dd's mum I would be furious with you. Yes she needs to learn consequences, but not like that. Tell school as you may well have a complaint coming your way.

Grumpos Sun 19-May-19 07:12:01

I don’t think you were unreasonable.
My DSD is 7, she knows full well when she’s been a brat / nasty / horrible.
I have had full conversations with her about how her friends have acted at school or how she has acted towards her sister etc.
They generally know what being nasty means. This little girl probably does as well, but clearly parents are not correcting the behaviour.
You’ve left it for the school to resolve and watched your child be upset for more than a few days (and previous times). It’s sad the little girl got upset after but kids always cry when they know they are wrong / guilty / been caught out etc.
They may not be old enough to understand the emotions behind these things but they bloody well know when they are being naughty! I don’t blame you - although I’d feel the same guilt as you after too. Difficult situation.

Thatnovembernight Sun 19-May-19 07:12:29

I wouldn’t phone the mother unless the is a particular friend of yours. If she approaches you then you could explain some of the problems your daughter has been having with hers but otherwise I’d leave it.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Sun 19-May-19 07:14:52

So a child who thinks your child is her bf, had to watch others be invited to a party, then you announced to the playground and all the other Mums that she wasn’t coming because she was unkind?shock
YABVVVVU. How utterly horrid. She’s 6 ffs.

Ask who you like to your party but don’t make other people’s children cry, and pass judgement on them at school. That poor child has spent a week wondering why her bf hasn’t invited her to her bday party and had all the surrounding whispering, and now will have it ongoing because parents and presumably children have been told she’s so unkind she can’t come to the party.sad

Every parent who’s child hasn’t been invited will be upset. Personally I wouldn’t be wanting mine to go if she’d been invited because I wouldn’t think you were very nice and I’d be distancing myself and my child. Who knows when you could decide she/we need a bit of public character assassination? This would be very unacceptable in my children’s school.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 19-May-19 07:17:43

Very different a child telling another child that they’ve hurt their feelings than an adult telling a child (who in that moment has done nothing wrong apart from asked a blunt question that we as adults find rude but a child wouldn’t understand) to what you did.

You’re the adult, she’s a child. You’ve modelled to her that you can be blunt and hurt other people’s feelings. You admit you took your frustrations out on her. I think YWBU. A simple ‘DD couldn’t invite everyone, I’m sorry you didn’t get an invite’ would have sufficed.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore Sun 19-May-19 07:22:27

I think your decision not to invite the child to dd's party is sensible and you are right to stick to your guns.

However telling anyone home truths in a public situation is pretty unpleasant, and unlikely to be effective, let alone a 6 year old. A white lie would have been substantially more appropriate - 'it's a small party so we can only invite a few people, sorry'. I would mention to school, and make it clear your comments were off the cuff/unplanned but I would not get in touch with the other parent at this stage.

Moomooboo Sun 19-May-19 07:23:45

You seriously were not unreasonable and whilst it may have felt unkind/rude to say - it was the right thing. As has been mentioned - you stood by your daughter and said probably what she had struggled to have the confidence to say.

She may be 6 and “too young” to connect the dots - but it’s not your job to connect the dots. Her mother should have intervened with her asking to come to the party and said something like: “there’s not enough space and you shouldn’t try and invite yourself...”.

Don’t try and call the mother - stand by your guns and what you said. Too many people seem to think these things should be sugar coated - but if you’re a bully at 6 and everything is sugar coated you’ll be a bully at 15 too....!!

AhoyDelBoy Sun 19-May-19 07:26:03

Tell school as you may well have a complaint coming your way.

A complaint about what? confused. Is it a ‘thing’ that parents can complain about other parents to the school? Jesus wept, don’t teachers and other school staff have enough to do? I can understand in extreme cases but really? The OP told the girl she wasn’t invited to the party “because you are not very kind to DD”. Big whoop. End of.

I wouldn’t get the school involved, what exactly are they going to do? Admonish the OP? confused. The girl asked, and was told, why she’s not invited to the party 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ohtherewearethen Sun 19-May-19 07:27:17

@itwouldtakemorethanthis - why do this girl's feelings trump the OP's daughter's feelings? I'd find it very difficult to fawn over my child's bully and make up excuses and lies as though there wasn't a problem with their terrible behaviour towards my child. Of course I wouldn't be nasty to the child either but no way would I let my child see me trying to placate their bully with apologies and pleasantries! I feel sorry for your children if you would put the feelings of a child who bullied them over their own.

IceCreamSoda99 Sun 19-May-19 07:33:38

Good on you OP, I work in a school too, children have got to learn consequences. 6 is not to young to reflect on actions but I agree she needs parents to now talk about why what happened did, though undoubtedly it fall to the teachers as you will have her parents like other posters saying "oh she's too young to understand" hmm. We talk to the nursery children about cause and effect. Also it's important your daughter sees that you don't pander to bullies, you are blunt with them.

PeakedTooEarly Sun 19-May-19 07:35:30

Someone had to tell the kid. It's clearly not going to be her own mother and the scholl sound ineffectual. The only way kids get to moderate their behaviour and learn social norms is by being told where they are going wrong.

dashoflime Sun 19-May-19 07:35:46

To those saying that 'she's only 6, she's still so young' - which age do you deem appropriate for a child to be told their nasty behaviour is affecting others? When they're 7? 9? 13?

I don't think a child is ever to young to be told how their behaviour has affected others. But for younger children the critisism needs to be very specific and it needs to be delivered as soon after the bad behavour as possible.

"That was an unkind thing to say. I bet little Julie feels really sad. If you keep behaving like that, people won't want to play with you"

Like that.

Not "Your unkind to little Julie and thats why your not coming to her birthday party" - some hours or days after the behaviour.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 19-May-19 07:35:57

As an adult imagine how you’d feel being told this in public- and this was a 6year old! Fine not to invite but vv uncalled for with what you told her.
Also when I was at school me and two other girls were always falling out and complaining about one another, it wasn’t bullying. Without knowing the full ins and outs I’m not sure if this child is a bully or just a bit bossy.

MrsHormonal2019 Sun 19-May-19 07:36:08

It's your daughters birthday. She is your priority and who she wants to attend is her choice.
There is an ongoing issue with her a girl upsetting her at school so why on earth would said girl be invited anyway. I'd have done the exact same thing.
I don't pander to anyone, certainly people who upset my child regular and nothing is done about it

Propertywoes Sun 19-May-19 07:36:56

What an awful thing to do to a 6 year old child. You humiliated her in front of everyone. You could have taken her parent aside and spoken to her if you really had to.

Alsonification Sun 19-May-19 07:37:58

I think you were right to say what you did. After six years of age the child knows what she’s doing.

**I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents

I also completely agree with the statement

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 19-May-19 07:38:50

What ohtherewearethen said. With bells on. YWNBU. Don’t ring the mother, let it die now. And point out to your husband that this is exactly why you asked him to quietly give the invites to the parents and not the teacher. Useless man.

malm275 Sun 19-May-19 07:45:13

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I knew that feelings would be very different around this one, but it has been really useful to hear the reasoning behind each one and will help me decide my next steps. I will inform school just because I sense that this one will not go away and I'd like to give them a heads up.

I'n thinking that I do not feel bad that the girl has been given this message, (I feel bad that she has had to be given this message iyswim) but I do feel bad regarding the circumstance in which it happened.

I don't mean to drip feed but I should have added somewhere that mum is definitely aware of the situation between our dd's and has been told the same as I have by the school regarding contact. My daughter is not an isolated case where this girl is concerned.

Thank you to those who have reminded me how good it would have been for my daughter to get some back up! She has given this message to the girl several times over the week without any result so I'll focus on the positives for her.

DaisiesAreOurSilver Sun 19-May-19 07:46:10

Leave it. YWNBU to tell the girl how it is. Maybe she'll learn and begin to change her behaviour.

GreenDragon75 Sun 19-May-19 07:49:25

This is awful. I completely agree children need to be made aware of their behaviour and the impact on others but it’s not your place to humiliate and make her cry like this. Everyone seems to be calling the girls mother but do you not recognise what you did was bullying and incredibly mean.
School have said they are dealing with it and to leave it with them. How do you know they aren’t?
It makes me so sad to think that people think it’s okay to make a 6 year old cry. Don’t speak to the mum now but maybe a chat before it got to this may have been a good idea?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Sun 19-May-19 07:50:07

@Ohtherewearethen why do this girl's feelings trump the OP's daughter's feelings? They don’t, the OPs attempt to publicly correctthechild in front of her peers and other parents would have been horrible regardless how she felt.
Nobody is asking you to fawn over anyone hmm what OP did was very ill mannered regardless of the recipient. There would presumably have been many other children who knew they weren’t invited, beyond the focus of her attack.

Of course I wouldn't be nasty to the child it was nasty.

I feel sorry for your children if you would put the feelings of a child who bullied them over their own. was this necessary? It’s a really nasty thing to say to me. Would you like me to tell you I feel sorry for your children because of your thoughts?

diddl Sun 19-May-19 07:51:31

I think that ywnbu.

Not your fault that she put you on the spot.

It was pretty cheeky that she asked but then to go on to ask why!

Why does this girl think that she is your daughter's best friend?

Have you already spoken to the school about how she behaves towards your daughter?

rainbowstardrops Sun 19-May-19 07:52:01

I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents

Ditto.
I don't think you were unreasonable at all

Angelil Sun 19-May-19 07:59:41

I wonder if the girls mum spends her weekend worrying over how upset my daughter has been feeling?

Not bloody likely.

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