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To have told 6yo the truth.

(465 Posts)
malm275 Sun 19-May-19 05:50:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

DecomposingComposers Thu 23-May-19 18:49:14

Well, that is what it says.

InACheeseAndPickle Thu 23-May-19 18:54:15

I can't believe that some posters think it's ok for a 6 year old to ask for an invitation to a party.
Of course it's not OK, but at 6 some kids won't have the social skills to know that. Whenever there's a small party even in Y2 all the kids will be asking the kid in question for an invitation. If they don't like it they'll have to not make the party public knowledge (which would be good manners anyway).

It's fine to say "no" to the little girl but telling her she's mean is clearly pointless. The girl won't understand what she's done is mean, she clearly doesn't have the social skills for that. She needs to be taught, by being redirected at the time at which she's overstepping boundaries. It would have been fine to say at the time that she needs to stop asking for an invite because that's addressing her current behaviour. Anything else a 6 year old will just hear as a criticism of them as a person rather than their particular behaviour.

Of course it's sad that DD is leaving school in tears but remember you'll have only heard one side. It's quite possible that this other girl is leaving school in tears every night because she's been excluded from a party by someone she considers a close friend. Perhaps the kids have all been talking about the party at school and being insensitive.

InACheeseAndPickle Thu 23-May-19 18:55:57

I also don't think you can possibly consider asking for a party invite bullying. It can be irritating and even intimidating for a shy child but it's not bullying.

DecomposingComposers Thu 23-May-19 18:59:06

It wasn't the asking for an invitation that was considered bullying - it was the behaviour in school that the op talked about and has spoken to school about.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 23-May-19 18:59:40

Repeatedly making another child cry, by doing the same thing day after day, is bullying, though.

malm275 Thu 23-May-19 19:00:53

Wow, so many replies. I work the first half of the week so am on catch up now!
Just dropping in to say hi... I haven't actually seen the mum in question as it's only usually a Friday that we cross paths but she did see my friend earlier and smiled and said hello which is an unusual occurrence.
Part of me wishes she had just got in contact to vent her anger at me straight away, I really would like a chance to try and explain myself rather than her just thinking that I'm regularly mean to 6 year olds!
Dd was upset by girl yesterday at lunchtime but it seemed more of a group/friendship dynamic situation rather than being singled out. No mention of party invites though...

InACheeseAndPickle Thu 23-May-19 19:03:44

I very much doubt the 6 year old is doing it to be deliberately mean - she's just asking for a party invite because she really wants to go and doesn't have the higher level social skills to know that a) repeatedly asking won't get her what she wants and b) it's not appropriate. It sounds like OP's DD is particularly sensitive - which I would hope she's getting help with but another 6 year old is unlikely to be able to pick up that they're dealing with a sensitive child and alter their behaviour.

Having a 6 year old repeatedly ask for an invite to a party (which to be honest you shouldn't have made public knowledge but I get it it happens by accident sometimes) is well within normal behaviour on a playground. It's something you have to teach your child to be able to handle because you won't be able to remove all playground annoyances and the older she gets the less control you'll have over it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 23-May-19 19:08:05

@InACheeseAndPickle - the OP doesn’t just say that the girl has been asking for an invitation every day, but that she was awful to the OP’s dd every day, causing her to cry. That is bullying.

And surely six is old enough to know that making someone else cry every day is wrong?

mbosnz Thu 23-May-19 19:12:25

She doesn't sound particularly sensitive to me. She sounds like a 6 year old being put on the spot time and again, every day, by a child who won't take no for an answer - and I wouldn't be very surprised if it had worked for that child before. You're right, it's a good one to teach your child how to handle that. But if she can't handle it, then you might have to.

Best also to teach your child how to handle being called on her constant nagging for an invite and told very firmly no, and why, if this is the way she behaves. Otherwise your poor sensitive child who behaves in such a manner might be upset when this happens.

Alternatively, just teach your six year old what a six year old is more than capable of learning - that nagging doesn't get. And you don't do it. You don't do it to your 'friends', and you most certainly don't then up the ante and take it to your 'friend's' parents.

InACheeseAndPickle Thu 23-May-19 19:16:55

Alternatively, just teach your six year old what a six year old is more than capable of learning - that nagging doesn't get.

I certainly teach my DC that but you can't teach other people's DC that. Some will also take longer to get it than others. By 6 lots of DC will have the social skills to be able to negotiate in a more sophisticated way than just nag nag nag. This girl clearly doesn't and that's probably driving the issue more. The school should support both girls. They're both young and still learning.

mbosnz Thu 23-May-19 19:25:38

I certainly teach my DC that but you can't teach other people's DC that.

Looks like someone just did. No need to thank her. No extra charge! smile

Incidentally, we see threads on here all the time about people finding it very difficult to find a way to say no to CF's who clearly have learned that nagging and relying on other people good manners and nature to prevent them saying what they really ought to, which is a very firm no with possibly a few more words attached to make sure they really get the point.

If adults find it difficult to deal with other adults who have learned since childhood that this profits them, how difficult is a six year old likely to find it to deal with - especially since she is quite possibly being brought up with manners?

If the school hasn't time to teach a child manners because the parents haven't (as well as educate them), and the parents won't, then yes, hopefully someone is going to be kind enough to make up for the deficiencies in the child's upbringing. (As much as anything for the child's potential future victims).

Bizawit Thu 23-May-19 20:44:09

@InACheeseAndPickle exactly. Thank you for you sense- talk.

I can’t believe all the adult women on here calling a 6 year old child a “CF” and a “little brat”. So awful.

Sounds like the OP knows herself that what she did was a bit out of line- but it just came out. Understandable in the circumstances, but definitely not the right way of handling things.

mbosnz Thu 23-May-19 21:33:56

Bizawit, just to clarify, I'm not calling a 6 year old a CF. I'm calling the adult version that displays the same behaviour a CF. smile

Bizawit Thu 23-May-19 22:23:43

Oh I see @mbosnz sorry I misunderstood your post! Apologies.

mbosnz Thu 23-May-19 22:28:25

No worries! Easy done.

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