To feel terribly embarrassed(251 Posts)
I know there have been lots of similar threads. But today I went into a quiet staff room with two maintenance guys sitting in there ( one I know to talk to) and while I was making my drink a fart slipped out without any warning. Not a stinker, but noisy. I tried to brazen it out , ignored it,and even stayed for a chat!I am old enough not to care. But I am so embarrassed and keep cringing. AIBU to not be able to stop thinking about it?
I was laying in bed with my DP and I was struggling with morning sickness. I gagged and a really loud fart came out. I just felt the bed move where my DP had spun round to stare at me. Wishing I had the ability to melt into the bed but realising there was no way I could get out of it I just raised my hand arm and said it was me. Cue fits of laugher from my DP (alright i did cry with laughter too)
To this day he still takes the piss by raising his arm and saying it was me.
Why on earth would I even need to of confirmed to him that it was me.. like there was 50 other people in the room or something 🙄🙄
Another time was in the car with DP and FIL, FIL had a dodgy tummy and was letting some rank ones out. Except it was my turn and the smell was awful.. DP blamed FIL and FIL said oh well I didn’t think I did but maybe it slipped out when we went over the speed bump. Still haven’t admitted it was me . Chuckling to myself as I am typing this. Loving this thread
Dd who is 6 farted in asda last Saturday and blamed me! Even worse I did actually blush so everyone thought that massive black cloud of stench was me
If it makes you feel any better years ago I grabbed my male boss by the err dangly bits in front of about about 4 people who were assessing his leadership and management skills 🤪it was by accident but oh my giddy aunt - grabbing his dangly bits (they were inside pants and trousers I have to add)
I was at a staff meeting once and the boss farted loudly in front of everyone by mistake. Noone said anything but OMG it was SO funny.
Loving this thread! Nothing makes me laugh as much as a good fart story.
I remember being about 9 and going to an event with my mum. I went for a wee, took the end cubicle and was taking my time nicely, just thinking about life. Some woman runs in, takes the first cubicle, and obviously thinking the coast is clear, slams the door and starts letting RIP. Big ones, little ones, wet ones, squeaky ones... clearly about to burst if she doesn't get them all out. I'm sitting there, tears streaming down my face from silent laughter, when my mum pops her head into the ladies:
"Mamans, are you in there?"
The farting suddenly stopped and the poor woman had to wait until we'd left before daring to come out.
My mum and I still laugh about it now, nearly 30 years later.
Standard issue fart story - yoga class.
I kept doing massive fanny farts. Yoga teacher made way to the sound system to turn up the volume to drown out the noise
Ah this has been cathartic reading!
My humiliating public farting career started at a family party when i was a very self conscious 16yo, my mum’s burly cousin picked me up in a bear hug and swung me around - the sheer force of it shocked a massive loud fart out of me, like a whoopee cushion. My face was redder than a red thing for the whole party.
Pregnancy was windy, and gave me really noisy intestines. I sounded like i was constantly farting, but all the noise was internal. Really hard to hide THAT on a packed but silent commuter train.
Can I thank all of you, I have been a bit low this week and you tales have really made me giggle and lifted me!
Fart away people, fart away!
😂😂😂 @Reflexella . Me too!!! Well at least we know our abs are engaging!!!
If you're ever cooking for someone you don't like, rustle up some Jerusalem artichokes. They make you fart uncontrollably and magnificently for hours. Ideally, cook them for lunch, send them on their merry way and wait for someone to live tweet the farting lady on a train
Loving this thread so much!
When I was around 7/8 my older brother had his best friend (aged 16ish) round our house. Anyway, his best friend thought I was a little cutie and thought it would be funny to tickle me... i think you can guess where this is going. I let rip the loudest fart ever, i’m certain the next street would have heard it. I bolted up the stairs and hid in the bath until he left
When I had my first baby I had to have him in theatre in case they needed to do a c section. They topped up my epidural and I started to fart. We were in the little room next to the theatre and it just wouldn’t stop, everyone was bustling around and not taking a blind bit of notice whilst I laid there mortified, it must have gone on for a full minute!
I once slipped badly on a wet floor at a Heathrow coffee shop while waiting to pick up dh. Nearly went arse over breakfast time, as my DF used to,put it, but somehow just managed to save myself.
However I didn't manage to save a really noisy one from exploding forth.
How I managed to carry on with some sort of aplomb I will never know.
Don't fret, OP. We've all done it - well, most of us, anyway. Hold your head high and smile when you next see the bloke you know.
For those who don't know what a queef is, here is a lady queefing on TV.
My gym instructor once went to the loo before our class began wearing her mic that which was linked to the speakers in the studio. She let out the most thunderous fart without realising the mic and speakers were on. The sound was as hilarious as it was terrifying - I nearly wet myself laughing 😆
Oh I’d forgotten about “I’m so sorry Alan”
My pregnancy farts were legendary. DH kept walking into rooms, recoiling and gently saying “Oh that is, um, that’s a bloody eye peeler that is, oh Christ, oh God, I can’t...” whilst looking green and frantically making for the window. Then I had about 3 days of trapped wind which culminated in my assuming various positions in front of the TV one night until it all made its way out; DDog and DH took refuge in the kitchen for almost half an hour until the cloud of stink had cleared
This is a wonderful thread to read when I’m feeling ill and sorry for myself! Always love a fart story, I am never not going to find them funny
Theres a very handsome/glamorous surgeon at work who everyone erm.....admires.
One evening after a long day in clinic I jumped into my car and did a long relaxing end of work fart.
Then to my absolute horror, surgeon knocks on car window and jumps in car to discuss something or other.
The utter shame
My boss & I managed to not know who to blame as we were setting up for an event
He was to my left, as I was putting posters up. I leant kind of over and up to smooth a corner down, just as he reached up to do the same. And got a handful of my very obviously braless boob. Because my halterneck dress had departed company with my upper half as I leant over/up.
We have never spoken of this. But we both know.
Loving this thread, 😂 have been in the company of a few accidental farts, including MIL. I have also done them. 3rd year silent English class, my friend in front of me turned around and patted me on the head!!
Also remember saying goodby to a male acquaintance once, cheek kisses but I ended up kissing him on the neck 🤦🏻♀️
I've got a relatively new rescue dog who is mega old. He's a smallish size and likes to sit up against my ladybits because obviously it's warm. I sit with my knees up and legs apart, or some variation of that. So being a windy person, he gets it full blast. And he loved every single time, to sit with my partner. Not only does he not learn not to sit there, but he gives me the same withering look every time it happens.
I like to wind up my OH and my kids by seeing how publicly I can fart without being noticed. Or I do it but I keep my body language and facial expression as neutral as possible so no one will think it's me.
Sometimes OH plays the game back.
God I have a boring life 😅
I fart every time I cough these days. It's like surround sound. Don't stress. You could be me and have precussion in your pants.
The first time I farted in front of DP was about 8 months into the relationship, and mortifyingly occured during the throes of passion - literally mid shag. I heard it, he couldn't have failed to hear it, both carried on as clearly didn't want to ruin the moment. A part of me was dying as well as orgasming. All he said after was "ah well at least I know you were definitely relaxed." 🙈
Crying and laughing so loud...just had to let one go...the dog's got off the settee ....
At a small children’s theatre with 3-year-old dd and some friends watching Peter Pan. We come to the part where Tinkerbell starts to die and the theatre is silent as Peter sings a sorrowful song. Last note and dd farts REALLY loudly. Everybody burst out laughing. Ruined the play completely!
The last farting thread was brilliant. I remember fondly the girl who'd fart into a pint glass and leave it upside down on the table, shelves, anywhere. All dotted round the house. Her father would pick up the glass in innocence and they'd (the poster and her farty friend) watching him from their hiding place, see him suddenly screw his face up when he realised what she'd done - usually accompanied with shouts of "you dirty girl!"
My friend popped round once when I was at my mum's house for the day. Mum had dinner in the oven and qas squatting down to keep a close eye. Friend walks into the kitchen, inhales and says, "ooh, that smells nice". Mum can't stop sniggering and friend is confused.
After she'd left, mum told me through fits of laughter that seconds prior to friend walking in, she'd let out a true back slapper. What my friend then announced as she walked in the room set DM right off.
I can remember being in school and leaning over to cough and I farted - being 14 I was seriously embarrassed
Roll on a few years I'm walking through the city i live in on my lunch break, I do a silent fart that smells awful ... the women behind me said 'gosh those drains are disgusting' 🥴
Our friend was with his wife in the supermarket, he looked behind him to check no one was there, bent down and let out a massive ripper of a fart, his wife was absolutely pissing herself & pointing.... he turned round and looked down to some bloke bent down looking at something. He had just done said fart in his face 😂 he then did that awkward meeting him in every aisle 😂
I love farts - think they're hilarious!!
I don't often do smelly's 😚, but a while ago ate something involving a lot of strong cheese I think, and for the whole evening, they kept coming, every few minutes. To save my partner and I having to sit amongst the smell I had to keep going outside every time. Got very tedious after about the twentieth time, and luckily by bedtime the saga had finished 😂 😂
I would have just said excuse me and then laughed. I can't help but laugh when I fart in front of people, it's just so funny. I know I'm childish.
One time I was walking with a customer who was the chief engineer in a large food factory.
I felt something sliding down my leg and looked to see my black silky slip wrapped around my ankles .
Neatly stepped out of it ,picked it up and quickly stuffed it into my folder .
Customer looked mortified as I smiled and said "wardrobe malfunction"...he laughed about it for ages afterwards and gave me lots of extra business -happy days !!
When I was a student midwife the actual midwife was talking to a lady in labour about pushing. She was demonstrating the big breath in, hold it and push right down into your bottom - she then farted very forcefully and carried on by saying and if you don’t fart you’re not doing it right 😍
This thread reminds me of Jeremy Corbyn' s high five that he tried to do with female colleague but she didn't put her hand up so he did a high five on her boob by accident, on tv. 😂
I should not have read this on the bus.
I once ate a bad egg sandwich on the train and farted with every step the whole length of the platform at St Pancras.
A friend was once walking towards a set of double doors while talking to someone else. Still looking at the other person she put out her hand to open the door only for it to go into the face of a man who’d opened it from the other side.
My DH and I were in a - very famous - department store once; perusing the undies, when he came running up to me, grabbed my arm and said "Quick; move I've just farted!"
We rounded the corner to the next isle when another couple, completely unknowingly, walked straight into it. I just heard the bloke say; "Jesus Christ what is that F*ing smell?!" before DH and I burst into fits of laughter and promptly ran away!
I do remember farting in a crowded lift when the dc were small.. I had to make a big show of checking baby ds’s nappy.. 😳
Laughing so much at some of these
I’ve done a few teeny tiny ones at work that I didn’t know were coming but not loud enough for anyone to notice - I HOPE!
Wish I only had farts to worry about, I took a bag of clothes in to the dry cleaners, queue behind me, I took out this skirt, shook it before handing it over the counter to find there was a sanitary towel stuck to the front of it, I grabbed it, stuffed it back into the black bin liner (classy) and muttering 'ooh don't know how that got there'... tried to furtively remove the pad inside...meanwhile the queue stood there in silence have witnessed my pad fiasco I was literally sweating with embarrassment. I sent dh to pick up my dry cleaning including the skirt, the following week.
As anyone who's been on chemo will know chemo-farts are the absolute worst.
I was with my grown-up DD in WHSmith in a busy Liverpool St station a few years ago and felt a chemo-fart coming on. Walked to an empty aisle and thought it'd just slip out quietly but it was a very noisy explosive fart
I looked up to see complete strangers exchanging glances and trying (unsuccessfully) to suppress giggles. I left the shop behind me quickly, and the smell.
Told DD later it was me and we giggle about it to this day.
I had to get a taxi back from the hospital with a severe D&V. Oh god.
the Only time I wasn’t embarrassed about farting was when I was giving birth. I sounded like I was playing a tune otherwise I get so embarrassed to the point il instantly deny it was me. I get embarrassed if my stomach does a loud grumble lol
I farted on DH's head once when we'd first started seeing each other.
He was laid down on the lounge floor, watching tv and I just got an urge to run at him and fart on his head. No idea what came over me.
We were about 19...but it still makes us roll around laughing now.
I once shit myself just outside my house.
I'm terribly windy today 🤢 luckily I live on my own so I'm only gassing myself. I just looked in the bathroom mirror and caught my eye in the reflection and felt embarrassed though. I once farted and then you know what at work. I told my boss I needed to rush out for feminine supplies and went to the shop across the road and bought some new tights and pants
I felt one coming when I was in the gym once and knew there was no chance I could stop it so I let the weights drop on the machine I was using thinking it would be noisier than the actual fart.
What really happened was I dropped the weights making a huge noise and causing everyone to look at me. Then I farted, loudly.
Haha this thread is brilliant!
When I was a teenager my room was so messy! Clothes all over the floor, basically a floordrobe!
One day I was late for college and grabbed my coat off the floor as I left, once at college everyone was laughing and I didn't know what was wrong - until I got to the loo and realised I had a bright pink pair of nickers stuck to the Velcro of my coat 😂 the horror!
*I felt one coming when I was in the gym once and knew there was no chance I could stop it so I let the weights drop on the machine I was using thinking it would be noisier than the actual fart.
What really happened was I dropped the weights making a huge noise and causing everyone to look at me. Then I farted, loudly.*
Once (a few days after I had a recovered from a tummy bug) I farted all around B and M. From the food aisle to the DIY aisle, with some particularly smelly ones near the reduced curtains and cushions.
On the way out I heard a customer complaining about the smell of drains and the other customer nodding their head in agreement.
I once did a 'fanny fart' during an intimate wax. My therapist laughed! I wanted to explain it wasnt a bottom fart, but then thought that might be worse, so just laughed too. It must happen fairly often, right? I've been back a few times since and it hasn't happened again, so, win!
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