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To feel terribly embarrassed

(251 Posts)
Thornyrose7 Thu 16-May-19 19:53:19

I know there have been lots of similar threads. But today I went into a quiet staff room with two maintenance guys sitting in there ( one I know to talk to) and while I was making my drink a fart slipped out without any warning. Not a stinker, but noisy. I tried to brazen it out , ignored it,and even stayed for a chat!I am old enough not to care. But I am so embarrassed and keep cringing. AIBU to not be able to stop thinking about it?

Monkey500 Thu 16-May-19 22:36:57

For those inside farts it's air collecting in your intestines, I put mine down to a touch of ibs, usually after chili or curry, onions etc. it's like the food just drops and splashes to the next part of your digestive system. And so very loud in meetings.

Scrumptiousbears Thu 16-May-19 22:37:35

I was in a supermarket today with my 5 year old DD. Farted, it was silent so I got away with it. It stunk to high heaven and my DD said loudly "mummy have you done a smelly trump". I blamed it on the onions. wink

DavetheCat2001 Thu 16-May-19 22:39:27

I farted whilst seated on one of those metal seat things that you used to find in libraries. I was a teenager and was chucked out of the library!

Whatisthisfuckery Thu 16-May-19 22:40:55

When I had my first guide dog I took her to an interview. She was snoozing on the floor at my feet when this hideous dog fart smell came wafting up. It really stank, I didn’t know where to put myself. I didn’t want to make a thing of it but I didn’t want them to think it was me. I kept my gob shut but then one of the interviewers got up, walked across the room and fetched a pole, which he then used to open the window.

Needless to say I didn’t get the job.

GinisLife Thu 16-May-19 22:41:00

Bedtime with a reasonably new bf, snuggled up with him behind me. I was very nearly asleep and I farted on his leg. Woke me up ! I was mortified.

AlexaAmbidextra Thu 16-May-19 22:41:42

Many years ago I was on a hot date with a new man. Travelled about 50 miles to have dinner and then back to his house for the night. Fool that I am I had French onion soup to start. I cannot tell you the agony I was in all night, trying not to fart while shagging and then frightened to go to sleep in case I let one go. I just knew by the churning agony in my bowels that what ever came out would be horrendous. Come the morning, escaped to the bath room and ran the bath taps at full pelt to cover the noise. The bliss as I let out many lavish and lengthy farts was unimaginable. God knows what the room smelled like when I came out. Even more horror followed though when he went in for a bath and I realised that the running taps didn’t deaden the sound at all as I could even hear him brushing his teeth. I was so pleased to leave and drive home and I tell you, I could have got back down the M1 without turning my ignition on. I was jet- propelled. I have never eaten French onion soup again.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends Thu 16-May-19 22:41:43

Years and years ago when dd was around 4 or 5 we were in M&S food court and I accidently farted blush

Dd thought it was hilarious and has NEVER bloody forgotten it.

Every time we are in M&S, go past M&S, see an M&S ad or someone mentions M&S she says 'Mum farted in M&S.. hahaha'.

It's been nearly 10 years!! She'll probably put it on my gravestone! blush

MightyDonut Thu 16-May-19 22:44:06

Try dancing in front of a mirror while miming into a hairbrush when your mothers friend who is also the next door neighbour walks in on you......when you're 17. That's embarrassing. Years later i still curl up and die at the memory.blush

Mammatino Thu 16-May-19 22:44:07

My mum is deaf and just farts, like martini, anywhere, any time, any place. She doesn't think anyone can hear, it's really hard concentrating on a conversation when she is obliviously popping away. Me and my brother have to leave the room chortling away... We are in our 40's.

rareappearance Thu 16-May-19 22:44:57

This all reminds me of my favourite Mn post ever

"I'm so sorry Alan". It was the poster's mum on a stretcher, apologising to the paramedic

It still makes me laugh

Greenfield19 Thu 16-May-19 22:46:09

@Monkey500

Inside farts grin
Any way to stop them? Jumping up and down maybe to shift all the food around?

Greenfield19 Thu 16-May-19 22:46:34

@rareappearance eh?!

Thinkofsomethingoriginal Thu 16-May-19 22:50:16

We were on holiday when I was nine, and my mum farted long and loud in the gift shop, then turned to try and make it look as if it were me. I was having none of it, so announced with all the subtlety of a nine-year old that it was her. She ran out of the shop giggling uncontrollably, while I remained in the shop doing the same.
When my dad finally managed to find out from her what was going on, he got sent back in to get me because there was no way my mum was coming back after I'd exposed her as the culprit.

Greenfield19 Thu 16-May-19 22:51:25

m.youtube.com/watch?v=rjrfOcPDKfs

Thinkofsomethingoriginal Thu 16-May-19 22:52:29

I used to work with a guy who claimed that on his first night with a new gf, he would tell her in the morning that she had farted on his leg. His theory was that she would be so embarrassed he could get away with any similar habits after that and she wouldn't say anything.

Carpet86 Thu 16-May-19 22:53:30

I burped on the phone to my boss today - said excuse me and carried on talking. Wasn't uncomfortable at all 🤣

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Thu 16-May-19 22:58:48

It's a universal truth that if there are more than 2 people in the room, it is almost impossible to work out where the smell came from and even the innocent are paranoid the others will think it was them and unless you are miles apart, it's very hard to accurately identify the source of a noise in a group of people.

The others are probably wondering if it was the other one.

SamanthaJayne4 Thu 16-May-19 22:59:12

We used to wonder what the strange stomach noises were. They are this www.iffgd.org/symptoms-causes/abdominal-noises.html
Back then we looked it up in a medical book. A lot of families had them in pre internet days.

rareappearance Thu 16-May-19 23:02:11

*Greenfield
*
I'm talking about s thread in Classics, very similar to this one, about farts

The comment was from the posters mum as she farted while being carried out on a stretcher.

It was very, very funny

LittleCandle Thu 16-May-19 23:03:21

I work in a shop and I've lost count of the number of people who drop one or several on their way round and don't say anything. in my last job, which was quite a big shop, this was not an issue. In the current job, it is a tiny shop and is a huge issue! I've had to get the air freshener out on many an occasion and dare not make eye contact with my colleague!

DDog, when he was a puppy, once dropped such a smelly fart that we had to open all the car windows! Luckily, I could open all 4 from the driver's seat. He was only tiny, too! DPup has been absolutely rancid, although he is getting a bit better. We had a friend's dog for a couple of weeks and the first time DPup farted after friend's dog arrived, she got up and moved away!

I snigger like a child at these threads.

DuffBeer Thu 16-May-19 23:07:14

What kind was it though, as in the sound?! Wet, dry, trumpeting, squeaky, abrupt?

To be honest it's probably best that it wasn't one of the silent variety. They usually stink.

OldAndWornOut Thu 16-May-19 23:07:45

A friend of mine would never fart in front of her boyfriend.
When she was at his house, she used to go into the toilet and hold her bum cheeks apart, so a long squeaky one came out.
When she realised it was still loud, she started using his towel to muffle it. grin

Preggers86 Thu 16-May-19 23:08:00

I remember the first time I farted in front of my DP. He was tattooing my back and I was sat there all nice and relaxed when a little fart slipped out. It completely caught me by surprise so I just ended up blurting out "that was a fart". If I hadn't of said anything he wouldn't have been any the wiser but has great pleasure in retelling the story.

KellyW88 Thu 16-May-19 23:08:27

I’m a SAHM and often forget I’m not wearing a bra and generally where loose fitting comfy tops, so I’ve had a few occasions where the food delivery comes and I’m bending down to empty the last trays of shopping only to notice the poor delivery man is extremely embarrassed at having gotten an eyeful of my boobs and not knowing how to react! 😂

Also once I started a new job and on the first day I managed to spill tomato soup all down my shirt, rigourously tried cleaning said shirt in the loos and succeeded in ripping my top two buttons off, so went to my manager holding my boobs in as best I could, he gave me his jumper 😳😳

HoofWankingSpangleCunt Thu 16-May-19 23:22:34

rare appearance I remember that thread very fondly. Wasn't it that the paramedic wasn't even called Alan ? Iirc that made it even funnier.

What about those times when an inevitable fart is on its way and you try and direct it a little, to muffle the sound. If you're lucky you end up with a Lip Rippler. I bloody love those.grin

Isleepinahedgefund Thu 16-May-19 23:23:45

“We are not a family that farts” 😂

Farting becomes even funnier when you call it “flatulence”. I had a colleague who told us about his flatulence, and I’m afraid the rest of us made fart sounds every time he sat down for the rest of the week.

We also discovered Shreddies - the flatulence filtering underwear - that was another week of giggles.

MissClareRemembers Thu 16-May-19 23:25:07

On a long train journey I found myself sitting fairly alone in the carriage. I could feel a lot of gas building up and was happily squeezing out deeply satisfying silent farts.

Next thing I know, three very loud, very academic men got on the train and sat down beside me. One of them was loudly reading and critiquing an article written by one of the others. That was the end of my silent farting happy time. Gas was still building all around my nether regions and in the end I could bear it no more, stood up to go to the toilet and let out a triumphant soggy fanny fart.

I’ve never experienced such sudden silence The worst thing was we were all going to the same destination so had to stay sitting beside each other for the remainder of the journey.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks Thu 16-May-19 23:32:57

First night in bed with exdp and I let rip the most loudest, longest, smelliest fart ever!!!
What did I do? Put the duvet over his head and laughed- because I was that mortified and I panicked! He came up to breath and said ‘I take it you are really comfortable then?!’. We stayed with each other for 15 years so🤷🏻‍♀️ But I still cringe at what I did....

NobodysChild Thu 16-May-19 23:33:55

I was once admitted to hospital. The nurse said change into this gown and get on the bed. I asked, is it knickers on or off? She said it doesn't matter, so I took them off. Then two doctors came to see me and asked me to lie on the bed and raise my legs as high as I could, one at a time. So, knicker less, I did as asked, cringing the whole time. After they examined me, one of the doctors said, you can sit up now, and as I did, I did the loudest, bubbliest fanny fart.

NotWithTheProgramme Thu 16-May-19 23:35:23

I hate it when it actually IS your shoes making squeaky duck noises on a polished floor - but everyone still eyeballs you as if you’ve let one rip. You can never get the fucking shoe to perform on demand!

funnelfanjo Thu 16-May-19 23:36:13

Lip Rippler just catching up with MN at bedtime and I’m laughing silently but the bed is shaking and DH is groggily moaning at me...

Gravelface Thu 16-May-19 23:37:20

I love these threads.

I forgot about this incident until now. I had just started a new job, new company, knew no one. It was my first day, I was a fairly quiet 22 year old. I felt a fart brewing and shifted my bum a bit so the gas could gently whoosh out. Instead this fart absolutely cracked out of my arse with a huge noise, one of those almost shocking blasts as I had rocked my hips slightly forward in my chair. It even stang a bit and made me jump.

I just sat it out and figured no one would actually think that noise had come from someone's arse

Greenfield19 Thu 16-May-19 23:39:00

@SamanthaJayne4 that was an interesting read! I’ve tried to google about this before but couldn’t quite think how to phrase it ‘farts that don’t come out your bum’ didn’t give me much luck. Inside farts is obviously the correct term for googling. I have found cutting down milk helps me.


Dying at the tbought of someone holding their bum cheeks apart to get a long, squeaky fart.

123fushia Thu 16-May-19 23:40:18

Not fart but my serious SENCO colleague went to a high level LEA meeting. Noticed at the end of the meeting that she had a sanitary towel stuck onto her cardigan sleeve!

squirrelnutkins1 Thu 16-May-19 23:41:29

Crying with laughter!! OH keeps asking what I'm laughing at! He knows only one thing makes me laugh so much.... I am a child 🙈😂

Motheroffeminists Thu 16-May-19 23:43:14

Farts are fab. The ones that burst from your arse, bubble up past your vulva, ruffle your pubes and emerge triumphant from the front of your knickers.
I too get the inney farts blush
And what's with the ones that feel like you're farting shards of glass??! Ouch!

I'd once been holding in a fart for hours (it can damage your bowel btw way and lead to diverticulae so let them free) and walked into an empty room and let rip with a huge fart to great relief. Am embarrassment as the room was not empty after all blush

I have IBS and take a cocktail of drugs so have a very erm, musical bottom grin

PinkGlitter123 Thu 16-May-19 23:45:27

My brother (When we very young I might add) once did 13 farts in a row, loud ones too. Can remember him clear as day pushing them out proud as punch!

MightyDonut Thu 16-May-19 23:53:51

Fanny farts are the king of farts.
Specially when dtd. Thrust, fart, giggle, thrust. fart, giggle.
Or directly afterwards, your fanny turns into a fucking blowhole!!

flopsyandflim Thu 16-May-19 23:54:19

I loved these threads.

I remember on one fart thread a poster describing their DHs fart as one of those ‘long drawn out ones with a question mark noise at the end’ 😂

GrandTheftWalrus Thu 16-May-19 23:55:25

I hold mine in all the time. I have IBS as well so you can imagine the pain but when pregnant I wasnt as careful and bent over to get something and it sounded like gunfire.

funnelfanjo Thu 16-May-19 23:55:47

Growing up we had no shame about farting, parents and kids. The philosophy was better out than in, so I have a high embarrassment threshold. DH is quite po-faced about it and won’t fart in my hearing at all - although he lets loose some cracking duvet lifters in his sleep.

In younger days when I lived down south my diet wasn’t great and I dropped a good number of SBDs in landmark London locations. Most memorably at Wimbledon, one of which was the subject of a great deal of muttering and tutting and wafting of programmes. No one ever realised it was me, thankfully.

Although nothing beat a boss of mine whose SBDs were legendary - he would just quietly get up and leave before the stench hit several seconds later. Never smelt anything like it before or since, you could bottle it and use in biological warfare. People used to anonymously leave charcoal tablets on his desk as a hint...

Currently I like to live dangerously at Pilates. Everyone else there seems to have their digestion well under control, or maybe they’ve been working on their pelvic floor exercises longer than me. A couple of times I’ve inadvertently let out a small fart, mainly when sitting on the edge of blocks, but thanks to sitting inelegantly with legs akimbo, they’ve escaped as small puffs of air with no reverberations. I do have to watch what I eat on class days though. Definitely no french onion soup, has a similar effect as a PP. blush

GrandTheftWalrus Thu 16-May-19 23:56:09

Oh was also standing outside the train station having a ciggy and let rip as no one around until I went to the door and there was a man standing there.

SecretNutellaFix Thu 16-May-19 23:57:38

I let one slip when we had all moved to the vestry to sign the marriage register after all the vows on my wedding day. Then I got the giggles when my mother let out "Oh, Secret! Really?" At least the grins were genuine in the photos!

Mothership4two Fri 17-May-19 00:00:40

Once when I was having a very windy day I kept popping into my boss's office to fart, as he was out for the rest of the afternoon and my desk was in an open plan area. I had been going in many many times and was in there performing when he walked in saying the meeting had been cancelled. The room was very stinky and I am sure he had heard me. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Neither of us mentioned it but he did open all the windows! grin

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 17-May-19 00:15:30

I was in my office at work and let one go, then one of the staff walked in. He said "Fucking hell it stinks in here!" so I said "Yep, that would be me, I just farted" he legged it, pissing himself laughing.

Now whenever one of the staff need to come in the office, they knock and shout "HAVE YOU FARTED? SHOULD I GET THE GAS MASK OUT?!" I was mortified at first but honestly, making a huge joke about it has made it easier to deal with. We now have the fart corner outside, where all staff are required to go to fart, including me. I printed out a sign and everything grin

LaLaLamp Fri 17-May-19 00:28:03

why did I google 'queffed' grin

SeaToSki Fri 17-May-19 00:58:13

I see your french onion soup, and I raise you artichoke soup

I once went to a fancy restaurant with my DParents. I ordered artichoke soup for a starter, well by the end of the main course I was in gaseous agony. I had to do an emergency dash to the ladies before dessert and the walk back to our car was jet propelled. I mentioned it in the car on the way home by way of an apology to be told that neither of my parents ever eat artichokes when at a restaurant because they have noticed the swift effects. Why I asked didnt you warn me.

howlongcanausernamebebeforeits Fri 17-May-19 01:50:09

@HelpMyKnickers 😂😂😂😂

N0tbloodylikely Fri 17-May-19 02:20:21

I'm in bed with dd 10 months who is trumping away. I'm always so surprised at how long and how loud they are. Don't know who's are worse dd or dp.

Jocasta2018 Fri 17-May-19 02:46:27

Unable to sleep, lying in bed weeping with laughter! Thank-you Mumsnet!

Quite often my stomach is very gurgly - it doesn't necessarily means I'm about to fart. My stomach just talks a lot and very loudly which can be embarrassing in public places but after 40-odd years, I'm used to it.
So I'm in bed with a new lover, he's kissing down my body & my stomach starts a conversation with him - literally he'd either kiss me or talk to me & my stomach would make a noise. I did not fart just gurgled. We gave up in the end as couldn't stop laughing.

Cano Fri 17-May-19 03:22:20

DD heavily pregnant was standing in a line to pay at the cash register. She quietly farted and hoped no one heard. GD nearly 3 piped up, “mummy you did a pop off.”

memaymamo Fri 17-May-19 04:44:07

Is this a good place to mention the James Joyce fart letter to Nora Barnacle? grin

Dontcallmebarbs Fri 17-May-19 05:38:46

One evening I dropped my dh for a work dinner. We arrived at the restaurant and when my dh got out the car, I let one slip. It was very smelly and I was so relieved to be in the car alone. At that point my dh boss arrives at my window to say hello!!! So he stood there and I was forced to open my window... He got the full force of that puppy... When I saw my dh at the end of the evening he and we’re almost crying with laughter / embarrassment!

EngagedAgain Fri 17-May-19 06:37:52

Not rtft, but I think the best way to deal with embarrassment especially in front of men is to joke about it. It kind of clears the air, so to speak!

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 17-May-19 06:38:51

Taking some new medication atm. Making me very loose of bowel but interestingly seems to have stopped any flatulence. I suppose it must all comes out at the same time in one smelly mess in the loo. Sorry tmi.

My old dog used to fart a lot, smell his bum then move. Bless him. ❤️

SerenDippitty Fri 17-May-19 07:22:53

Usually the first thing I want to do on getting off a plane is fart. The walk to passport control is usually jet propelled.

LittleCandle Fri 17-May-19 07:30:00

We were going around York Minster undercroft and had stopped to admire the model of the Minster that was there. It wasn't too busy, so we were lingering. A man came in just behind us, had a quick squint at the model and moved on. The stench he left behind was probably strong enough to raise the dead, and we had to swiftly move on too!

I sniggered then, as well.

NameChangeNugget Fri 17-May-19 07:42:03

I’d have made light of it.

PinkGlitter123 Fri 17-May-19 09:17:34

My sister came to speak to me when I was on the sofa lying down. For a joke I decided to let one go. It came out so loud that she ran back on fright with her arms up in defence and a terrified look on her face 😂. Once she realised we were both killing ourselves laughing

Dillydallyalltheway Fri 17-May-19 09:36:55

Very childish I know, but I farted in the lift of our local Tesco’s a few weeks ago, I was giggling about it, hubby was gagging (have to admit it was a well brewed one) when we got to the bottom, the lift door opened and there was a man and lady waiting to go in to the lift. Exit one very embarrassed me and one cringing hubby. shock shock grin

daisyboocantoo Fri 17-May-19 11:35:49

My friend was sitting on my bedroom floor, and let a never ending, thunderous one rip.

My poor dad was in the garage, and almost had a heart attack with the shock. He came running up the stairs, worried that something had happened to one of us... blushconfusedgrin

mollpop Fri 17-May-19 12:48:07

I was at the dentist a few months ago, reclined in the chair. The dentist was behind me. I had a good stretch reaching my arms behind my head and mistakenly touched his willy. I was absolutely mortified. He thought it was hilarious blush

Lllot5 Fri 17-May-19 12:54:49

I remember on one occasion there were workmen outside laying cables for cable tv years ago now.
One knocked on the door with an empty bucket asking could he have some water. I took the bucket off of him and walked to my kitchen with my back to the door I let one go. It was a proper trumpet, reverberated round the room, scared the cat the works. I finished filling his bucket at the tap turned round to go back and give it to him and unbeknownst to me he had followed me in to the house and was standing at the kitchen door. The look on his face was a picture.

S0CKS Fri 17-May-19 13:37:12

First time i had sex with dh i farted... It happens!

MTBMummy Fri 17-May-19 14:06:41

I once accidentally grabbed a random strangers crotch on a train, I'd just nabbed a seat and reached across to pull the arm rest down, missed the arm rest and full on grabbed this poor blokes crotch

I've also had to carry our training course to a group of young apprentices, while my stick on strapless bra (why in gods name did I think that was a good idea) came unstuck and I had to try and tuck it into the waistband of my jeans to prevent it falling out the bottom of my top.

And finally, when heavily pregnant I tried to bend down to pick up something I had dropped, and in doing a giraffe at a watering hole impression, I shuffled a bit backwards and planted my arse firmly against my CEO's crotch.

I really shouldn't be allowed out in public.

Confusedbeetle Fri 17-May-19 14:11:28

You see this is the problem, to ignore or confess. I fart all the time and generally hope no one hears. In fact its only when my daughters comment that I realise everyone does hear. If you apologise then they have to say something back

LakieLady Fri 17-May-19 14:27:19

We also discovered Shreddies - the flatulence filtering underwear - that was another week of giggles.

DP regards farting as a hobby. When I showed him the Shreddies website, he looked mystified and declared that they would take all the fun out of farting.

I refuse to get in a lift with him, as he thinks dropping a stinker in a crowded lift is some sort of achievement.

BottleBeach Fri 17-May-19 14:34:50

I was once in the garden at my boyfriend’s house. He’d just bought an orange plastic emergency shelter survival bag for hiking, and we were checking we could both fit in it. While we were lying there on the grass chatting, I accidentally let out a SBD. Really foul. I reckon it must have had some kind of chemical reaction with the orange plastic, and it was trapped in the bag with us 😬 We were just in the middle of that horrified, mortified, about to fall about laughing moment, when his very prim mother came out to see how we were getting on and offer us a cup of tea. She crouched down to the entrance of the shelter, got a whiff, and physically recoiled so hard she almost fell over backwards!

KittenMittens1 Fri 17-May-19 15:43:08

😂😂😂😂 This entire thread!

I'm sat at my desk in the office (avoiding doing anything productive as Its a Friday afternoon and have a major case of CBA) Literally trying my hardest to not burst into fits of laughter to give myself away!

Theres a few things that I've done to add to this thread:

1 - I Laugh and Fart all the time! like everytime I laugh like truly laugh, I fart. (yes reading this thread is proving hard) So as you guessed it, on my wedding day the Vicar decided to make us laugh during our ceremony with a bit of banter, which was truly hilarious. I laughed like there was no tomorrow (as did everyone else in the church), then I farted. Everyone stopped laughing, I turned around and looked at everyone and we all started crying with laughter. even the Vicar had to hold himself up at one point, I laughed again which resulted in me again farting. The Vicar even pointed out where the toilets where half way through. Mortified!

2 - Hubby (Partner at the time) was watching something on the tele while i was reading, and I had no control over a fart that popped out, So loud and noisy it actually made him jump to the point he threw his coffee in the air. 😂😂

divafever99 Fri 17-May-19 15:53:56

This thread is gold! My dd (3) is always farting in public and then will shout out she has done it!

fairiesandelves Fri 17-May-19 17:32:49

On our last holiday DH had popped back to the room. I was dozing by myself around the very busy pool area, on my side, on a sun lounger when I did a massive fart. My swimsuit was still wet from a swim so it kind of reverberated around my bum and back. People sat next to me started sniggering. I muffled a laugh then another little fart came out. Oh the shame !!

fairiesandelves Fri 17-May-19 17:44:45

When DS was young he let out the foulest fart in front of the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London. You have to go on a travelator to keep people moving and it stops for about a minute in front of the crown Jewels before moving on. We were packed on there like sardines and there was no escape. My god that minute Seemed like An eternity and it lingered like fog. People were coughing and an American tourist started shouting about who had let off an egg bomb!

TheOrigBrave Fri 17-May-19 17:54:59

I overtook a woman in the final stretch of a 5K race last week as she was letting out a stream of tiny farts. It's hard to clench and run hard!i didn't know whether to laugh or clap!

Herbella Fri 17-May-19 18:03:30

@Thornyrose7
I honestly don't think a couple of blokes are going to be bothered: it's the nature of blokesot fart alot - they might have thought it made you more approachable.

When I was a kid I had dreadful uncontrollable wind.... thinking back I must have had some kind of digestive issue and although I did grow out of it I let out so many farts in class, in Brownies, wherever.....that it's a wonder I had any friends at all.

ButterscupsRevenge Fri 17-May-19 18:05:16

Getting out of the car for school pick up with mum in tow I let a loud one off, unfortunetly a dad from my son's class was in ear shot and definetly heard by the look on his face. I did the only reasonable thing in that situation... 'MUM! I can't believe you just did that!'

happygemini13 Fri 17-May-19 18:06:44

No fart stories but I used to be a manager and we had to wear proper shirts. I was given a smaller size and told to make do until we got new ones in. We had a managers meeting with about 8 of us, mostly men and my buttons popped open and revealed my bra. Worst thing is I didn't notice until another manager stood in front of me and pulled my shirt closed. It was a full Richard and Judy at the awards moment. Thankfully I was wearing a nice bra and have what I like to think are a lovely pair. Still mortifying though blush

Ginburee Fri 17-May-19 18:14:28

My children love watching farting and fainting clips on you tube, admittedly they do make me laugh too.

Purplealienpuke Fri 17-May-19 18:19:04

Last night 10 mins before a hot date was arriving, I thought I needed to fart. I shat myself 🙄. I had less than 10 mins to clean myself up.....

MmeD Fri 17-May-19 18:20:48

In my first year at university, I shared a flat with the most perfect woman in the world. She was dainty and neat and beautiful with a don't-touch-me air. The daughter of an ambassador. I was the opposite. Our room was always heaving - men forever casually dropping round. We were sitting round and chatting and laughing one evening with a bunch of them when she laughed too hard and let out the most enormous fart, so much so, that there was a shocked silence afterwards.

We never mentioned it. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened.

Saavhi Fri 17-May-19 18:20:53

Did the same in an exam hall, somehow everyone knew it was me.

Bungalee Fri 17-May-19 18:22:49

Me and my sister were sitting on a bench, I farted and the vibration travelled along the bench!! My sister recognised the scent and was appalled. I just started laughing hysterically due to shame and shock and to make matters worse they was a man sitting on the other side of me!

labazsisgoingmad Fri 17-May-19 18:24:48

i was in my charity shop today and had had a donation of clothes in black bin bags. i had to sort it all so sat on a chair and bent forward to pick out each garment but every time i did i farted! im so glad the shop was quiet today when customers came in i left the sorting until they had left!

DuchessAnnogovia Fri 17-May-19 18:27:57

I farted whilst shopping in Waitrose, very loudly. Luckily the aisle was empty, but it didn't help with my son saying 'There she blows' rather loudly.

Purpl Fri 17-May-19 18:33:14

I suffer really bad silent exceptionally smelly wind caused by food intolerances once I farted really badly whilst waiting to go into a trendy club the bouncers were disgusted with stench and dragged the male suspect and threw in out. No one suspected the 19year old slim well turned out girl that was moi 😂but my mate knew but lucky didn’t grass me up !!!!

SunshineCake Fri 17-May-19 18:34:52

Why on earth would you chose to take your knickers off when told it doesn't matter?

DDog always looks so confused when she farts. She doesn't do it much so probably doesn't know what is happening.

Crazyladee Fri 17-May-19 18:37:42

I once reached across the desk and neatly put my boob in to my boss's open hand

I did this too but in reverse to my doctor!!!

So I cupped her boob as I stretched my arm out the same time she lent over the desk to put the blood pressure cuff on me! blush

stargazer101 Fri 17-May-19 18:53:22

They say a boob in the hand is better than two in the bushsmile

Catsinthecupboard Fri 17-May-19 19:02:56

What? Nobody with a fart that ended with a question mark?

(Still a favorite chuckle)

Siameasy Fri 17-May-19 19:12:23

😂
I still cringe about a holiday boob mishap
Ibiza 96 sitting on balcony with some guys we’d met. I was wearing a cami vest no bra. Leaned forward and when I sat back up the vest was under my boobs, the boobs were out on display like on a shelf

MrsTommyShelby Fri 17-May-19 19:20:13

This thread is brilliant!
My partner has spent the past year farting, catching it in his hand and throwing it into my face. I've lost count of the times it's nearly made me vomit. It's awful. I used to hold in my farts around him but I've given up now after this!

Morningcoffeelover Fri 17-May-19 19:32:25

🤣🤣🤣 farts always make me giggle. My son's are disgusted with me when I fart. I too farted in yoga. No idea it was coming. Never went back.
At work I was in the office by myself and farted thinking I would be safe. I was horrified that it was so stinky. I was promptly opening all the windows and waving my arms about before anyone came back in. It still smelt a bit when the others came back but no one said anything. I had to struggle not to burst out laughing all afternoon. 😆

Bluntness100 Fri 17-May-19 19:36:04

Is it just me that doesn't know how this happens? Unless your desperate to fart, how do you have absolutely no control over it?

Rainbowbrite11 Fri 17-May-19 19:37:09

I used to be a hairdresser before I had my children, this particular day will make me cringe till the day I die. I was just finishing a client got the mirror to show him the back bent down a little to show him his hair in the back mirror and farted so loud, there was nobody else working on the salon floor. So I just totally ignored it but I went bright red. In a salon full of mirrors I'm sure he could see I'd gone bright red and was dying of embarrassment tipped me £5 so I think he felt sorry for me. 😂

Angie169 Fri 17-May-19 19:54:56

This has had me in stitches.
MNHQ this has to go into classics PLEASE .

ClaudiasWinkleMan Fri 17-May-19 19:55:47

A few weeks ago I was in my car on the way to the shops. Felt a fart coming, let it go only to realise it was no fart. Had to turn car around and go shower. All good no witnesses, no worries.
Until later that day when I fell and broke my leg. I couldn’t move and was on my own so called an ambulance. One of the questions was had I had any incontinence issue so had to tell the lovely operator that earlier that day I had shit myself. No idea how it was relevant to my situation. So thought i’d gotten away with it.

Mythreefavouritethings Fri 17-May-19 20:05:13

I admit, this is one of those threads I wasn’t going to open but this reminds me of the time when I was a student looking for a couple of quid under the sofa cushion and found a tenner. Not sure whether it’s worse to be caught out by the noise or the smell but at least it goes quickly enough (I refer you to the leaking period thread yesterday). Let’s file this under Gone With The Wind, like it never happened, shall we? 💐

woodhill Fri 17-May-19 20:10:10

It's usually when you need to wee in my experience

labazsisgoingmad Fri 17-May-19 20:20:15

oh yes woodhill seems to be when you have had kids you can fart and pee at same time

mommaof2xx Fri 17-May-19 20:28:41

This thread is so funny!!

I once went shoe shopping with my mum in Clark's, and my mum was sat on the buffet things they have in there. The lady brought out mums size shoe and stood there whilst she tried them on. When she bent down to put the shoe on she let out the loudest fart ever. She was messing with the buckles for ages just because she was too embarrassed to sit back up. Even though she liked the shoes she didn't want them and we made a very quick exit. The whole time I was going blue trying not to burst out laughing, I had to pretend I was browsing at the other shoes 🤣

olbndansmummy Fri 17-May-19 20:35:45

Dh could fart for England! Sometimes the smell is so bad I heave, while he sits crying with laughter! We are a family of farters and all let em rip! When I go for my first wee of the day I always have a good fart, but the toilet gives them a very echoey sound that dh calls my whale noises!

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