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Daughter wants to join holiday halfway through

(64 Posts)
Motherofamadhouse Thu 16-May-19 19:47:46

For background DD is a dancer about to graduate, all her yearnates are getting showreels done.
My other DD is 17 and the holiday is to celebrate them turning 18 and 21 in June.

We’ve booked a family holiday (eastern med cruise) for July 27th to the 3rd of August, DD20 has just found out her college will be doing showreels on the 30th of July and is now insisting that she isn’t coming on holiday and will fly herself out and meet us at a port on the 31st. AIBU to tell her she’s being stupid and can’t ruin the holiday like that? What can I do

Unihorn Thu 16-May-19 19:48:54

'Stupid and ruining the holiday' would be not turning up at all, surely?

DitheringBlidiot Thu 16-May-19 19:49:12

Why would she being ruining the holiday? If she’s happy to fly herself in and out I fail to see the issue to be honest

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Thu 16-May-19 19:49:12

How will it ruin the holiday? And surely her future career is more important.

DitheringBlidiot Thu 16-May-19 19:49:45

Also she’s 20, not a child

gamerchick Thu 16-May-19 19:49:50

I don't see the problem. She's old enough to sort herself out. How will it ruin the holiday?

HappyMama01 Thu 16-May-19 19:50:21

What can you do???!!
Support your daughters' career and allow her to meet you at a later date. Especially if this is a holiday to celebrate her 21st!

Oysterbabe Thu 16-May-19 19:50:54

In what way will this ruin the holiday?

SleepingStandingUp Thu 16-May-19 19:51:52

So she isn't getting a showreeldoen, she just wants to watch her mates? I'd be a bit peeved if I'd paid a fortune for her holiday and now had to pay a fortune in flights etc so she needs to take some financial responsibility but don't see how having just the 18 yo for a few days is ruining your holiday

arethereanyleftatall Thu 16-May-19 19:52:02

Yabu. Sounds like a good plan.

MrsMozartMkII Thu 16-May-19 19:52:31

I'm with the others - why is it 'stupid'? And why will it ruin the holiday? She's doing it for her career - these sorts of contacts and relationships are important in her world.

FadedRed Thu 16-May-19 19:53:05

YABU. At twenty in university, it’s nice she wants to join you for part of the holiday.

OKBobble Thu 16-May-19 19:53:12

Assuming that the showreels thing is quite usual for her course then the "stupid" thing was to book a holiday before the date for these was fixed.

Let her do her own thing. She certainly won't enjoy a holiday forced on her when she wants to be doing something else.

Sirzy Thu 16-May-19 19:54:01

Sounds fine IF the cruise company will allow her to check in at another port.

TSSDNCOP Thu 16-May-19 19:54:18

I’d say great plan. But then I’m shocking some MNers to their core by staying an extra week on holiday with DS after DH flies home. How will we live?!

Motherofamadhouse Thu 16-May-19 19:55:27

It just feels like I’ve wasted so much money for her to show up halfway through the holiday, especially when the holiday is for her and her sister and they will both be moving on with life and starting to leave home so soon

HBStowe Thu 16-May-19 19:57:15

Is she in the showreel? If so I can see why she doesn’t feel she can miss it, and joining you part of the way through seems like a good compromise.

If she’s just wanting to see her friends, however, I can understand why you are annoyed (though I don’t know if you can force her to come if she’s 20...)

springgreensunshine Thu 16-May-19 19:57:29

I don't really know what a showreel is, but if it's a big end of college type thing I can see why she won't want to miss it.

And she's 20, not a kid.

It is annoying when things clash though.

Motherofamadhouse Thu 16-May-19 19:58:14

She would be getting a showreel done too
It’s a video of her dancing she says she can send to agents

ElloBrian Thu 16-May-19 19:58:54

Did you perhaps book the dates a bit too soon , before she knew she was definitely going to be free?

gamerchick Thu 16-May-19 20:00:03

especially when the holiday is for her and her sister and they will both be moving on with life and starting to leave home so soon

No, the holiday is for you really isn't it? Your kiddies are growing up and will fly the best and you wanted one more family holiday before that happened.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that either, but it might help if you aknowledge the real reason you're upset rather than be angry at her. She can't see the picture in your head. You could try and have a chat with her but don't be mad.

It might be nice to spend some one on one with your 18 yr old.

newjobnerves Thu 16-May-19 20:00:32

FFS she's 20 get a grip. You're being extremely selfish for someone who claims the holiday is for her, it's clearly important to her, important to her career, be the parent and respect that.

mumsiedarlingrevolta Thu 16-May-19 20:00:55

My DD is finished her A levels this year and desperately wants to go to Boardmasters with all of her friends before they all go off to Uni.

It will mean she leaves our family holiday early but we support her decision-she saved all year for the ticket and it will be a great experience for her to have a big celebration with all of her friends.

As the DC get older you see a shift in them balancing their lives and the family life and it is important to let them find that balance.

My DC are 22, 21 and 18-it is very different than when they are little and we book it and hope they all come but know they might not.

OP your DD showreels sound very important and I would support her and let her meet you and have a lovely time.

DeeCeeCherry Thu 16-May-19 20:01:04

She's your daughter..! Unclench for God's sake. I'm on holiday at the moment, DP & my girls came out here before me as I'd a contract to finish. Your daughter has a life and career to attend to she doesn't have to be joined to your hip, nor bow down beholden to you because you arranged/paid for a holiday. She's your daughter not your mate.

If you're going to moan and dictate about this or use a holiday as some form of control she likely won't bother to come out in future - then you'll have less to worry about won't you. At least in that respect.

bloodywhitecat Thu 16-May-19 20:02:05

YABU, how is she being stupid? I think it is a very reasonable decision for her to make.

TSSDNCOP Thu 16-May-19 20:02:42

Plus if your girls are anything like me and my sister, same age difference, were then staggering them might make the difference between having a lovely time and wishing fervently for a rogue iceberg.

Hiphopopotamus Thu 16-May-19 20:03:08

Well that sounds pretty important for a dancer about to graduate confused Surely she needs to do it.

Herefortheduration Thu 16-May-19 20:03:09

I don't see the issue tbh. Sounds like she has ambitions and she's doing what she can to realise those ambitions. All power to her.

I understand you're upset but the alternative of having her there and bloody miserable would ruin the holiday more.

Drogosnextwife Thu 16-May-19 20:04:28

YABVVU, she is 20 and she has offered to pay for the flight herself to come and meet you. You sound like an overbearing mother.

Motherofamadhouse Thu 16-May-19 20:04:53

It seems the consensus is IABU
Thankyou for some outside perspective

HBStowe Thu 16-May-19 20:05:08

*She would be getting a showreel done too
It’s a video of her dancing she says she can send to agents*

In that case I think she’s quite sensible to stay and get it done, although if she knew the possible showreel dates in advance she was bloody stupid to agree to go on holiday at the same time.

SmellMySmellbow Thu 16-May-19 20:05:50

Well she needs a showreel. It sounds perfectly sensible for her to join you asap after it's sorted.

Ginger1982 Thu 16-May-19 20:06:22

Surely you want her to get the showreel done for her career? Is this the only time she can get it or would there be another opportunity?

Chewbecca Thu 16-May-19 20:09:53

Is there an alternative date to get the showreel done? Does she need one? If she does and this is the only opportunity, then she is right to prioritise over a holiday.

Springwalk Thu 16-May-19 20:12:11

I think your dd is being perfectly reasonable. Be gracious about the changes, and kind to her. She has spent years and years getting to this very point. Support her decision op. This is not a once in a lifetime Antarctica trip, I am sure she will be joining you again before long.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Thu 16-May-19 20:12:49

Sounds like she is being pretty level headed! Her joining you a little later won’t matter. She is an adult, it is lovely she wants to go on a family holiday at all. I wouldn’t have wanted to at that age.

Tinkety Thu 16-May-19 20:13:01

OP a showreel is essential, it’s basically a visual CV & she’ll have no chance of getting an agent or any dance work without one.

PurpleFlower1983 Thu 16-May-19 20:13:11

She needs the showreel, it’s a tough industry, especially for a woman where there are loads of dancers going for every role.

Absolutepowercorrupts Thu 16-May-19 20:16:16

Op when your children are young you can control who they see, what they do but, and it's a big BUT for you, now is a very hard time. You've steered them through the teenage years and you now have to step back and let them go. She's not being stupid, she wants to do something important to her and has worked out that she can join you for one last family holiday. The years between 17/21 will probably dictate how your future relationships with your dc work out. She's spreading her wings as all children should. You've given her the best start that you could and now you have to let go of the reins.

jade9390 Thu 16-May-19 20:16:40

Seems like a waste if she is not having show reels done for herself. It is only a few days of a long holiday though, so not ruining it.

chocatoo Thu 16-May-19 20:19:45

I would be asking her to investigate whether she can get the reel made at a different time ( and would be prepared to pay for it). If so, then I would expect her to come on the holiday as it will have cost a lot of money and will spoil it for all of you if she arrives a couple of days before the end.
Tbh I can't see the point of her turning up so late in the holiday - you will all just feel as if you are marking time waiting for her to arrive - perhaps better if your other daughter brings a friend or cousin or maybe grandma could come or something??
I'd be tempted to book another holiday later in the year and do the celebrating then.

blackteasplease Thu 16-May-19 20:19:57

It’s a video of her dancing she says she can send to agents
I think I'm a bit late to this thread but this done a quite important!

anothernotherone Thu 16-May-19 20:23:27

She's being sensible and making a career critical decision, you're being selfish and demanding.

Dungeondragon15 Thu 16-May-19 20:24:09

I think that your priorities are out of balance OP. Your child is more mature than you are.

CCquavers Thu 16-May-19 20:26:12

Being a dancer /actor or singer is such a very different world and one that unless you are part of it you won’t understand. Your daughter will go to a 100 auditions where she will be told she’s to fat, to thin, to, tall, to blonde to dark - it won’t break her because she had training and will believe in herself more than anyone else. She might get a job from the 100 auditions but she definitely won’t without a good showreel of her looking her absolute best. Don’t spoil it for her. These first couple years make or break a career.

pineapplepatty Thu 16-May-19 20:26:22

I'd change the holiday dates and if there's no other cruises available I'd just book something else that suits us all.

BesselVanDerKolk Thu 16-May-19 20:27:29

Of course she needs a showreel. Sounds like she has worked out a sensible solution.

dancinfeet Thu 16-May-19 20:28:48

YABVVVU expecting her to commit to any kind of holiday in advance this summer.
Your daughter is a 3rd year professional performer about to graduate. The summer term of a full time professional dance course is a whirlwind of preparation for working in the industry - as well as her showreel being extremely important (this is often the first thing casting directors will look at, along with CV and headshots, and first impressions count), she will also need to find herself an agent for when she graduates. She will need to attend auditions or casting calls to find herself work- even a short contract, and much of this will happen in the summer term. I'm assuming that her dance college will have a graduates showcase (as many of them do, possibly in London?) and that various agents will be invited to watch this, if she is lucky enough to be signed up by one of them, she will need to make herself available to attend auditions at the drop of a hat- otherwise they will lose interest in her very quickly. It's a very competitive industry and if you don't get yourself out there, there is usually a queue of equally (or more) talented dancers ready to take your place.

I honestly think you need to accept that she will have to either join you late on holiday, or may even not be able to go at all. What she really shouldn't do is turn round to an agent if they happen to find her an audition during the time period of the holiday, and say that she can't attend it. Things will be different once she has had a few performing jobs, she will most probably find that she has gaps between contracts anyway, but as a dancer just starting out at the bottom it's really important to be seen, be available, and be professional.

I've been teaching dance for 20 years, and my daughter is in her first year studying professional dance at full time dance college.

Cherrysherbet Thu 16-May-19 20:28:59

What can you do?? Well......you can put your Daughter before your own selfishness, and let her do something that may benefit her career. Just a thought.

YABVU

cuppycakey Thu 16-May-19 20:31:07

AIBU to tell her she’s being stupid and can’t ruin the holiday like that?

Um, yes.

It sounds like you haven't really made the adjustment to accepting that your children have grown up and are adults now. I mean this really gently, but is there a reason for that? Is it just you and them?

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 16-May-19 20:31:40

Just a point, but you might want to check if it's even possible for her to join the cruise halfway through. Only certain ports are classed as embarkation points and you certainly can't get on at whichever one you choose ... though there are exceptions for staff joining the ship and/or emergencies

MrsMozartMkII Thu 16-May-19 20:31:51

I think the OP has the measure of the responses now smile

It's hard OP when they're growing up. Hard to step back and let them be and grow and develop and go and do Life! without you. It does get easier, or less difficult as you all figure out your place in relation to each other.

PowerslidePanda Thu 16-May-19 20:32:08

Sounds fine IF the cruise company will allow her to check in at another port.

This is a key point. Even if she's been booked onto the cruise, she can't just show up mid-way through and board. It would need to be pre-arranged with the cruise line and depending on the regulations of destinations involved, it may or may not be allowed.

BlueJava Thu 16-May-19 20:32:34

I think her showreel will be really important to get done. Sorry OP, I can see it's disappointing but she will need it for her career. It will also be easier to get done immediately after she finishes with everyone else.

CruellaFeinberg Thu 16-May-19 20:37:00

I left a cruise part way through, it wont be hard to arrange to get her to join part way, just need to get it sorted in advance

HerRoyalNotness Thu 16-May-19 20:43:13

Not much she can do about it surely? Can you take her on one later to celebrate. Seems a shame to only have 3 days, but on the other hand it’s better than nothing

Purpleartichoke Thu 16-May-19 20:44:37

Surely her education and job search is more important. You should have booked the holiday around her commitments, not expect her to skip important school events.

viques Thu 16-May-19 20:44:45

Enjoy the 1 to 1 time with the18 year old . When the older one joins you there will be plenty of time for you all to celebrate.

Yabu btw.

AdoreTheBeach Thu 16-May-19 21:01:23

Sorry. I would want my child to take advantage of every opportunity to further their career over a holiday. What your DD has proposed makes perfect sense. I’m saying this from point of view of a parent of a hopeful actress and unrest’s death the importance of the showreels - and how much they cost to do on your own.

YABU

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 16-May-19 21:38:16

Another point - if it turns out the cruise line will allow her to join at certain ports, do check what kind of record the place has for cancelled visits

Ships often have to miss port calls because of high winds or especially rough seas, and some are more challenging than others. You obviously wouldn't want DD to fly out, only to find the ship wasn't there for her to join ...

PokemonGirl88 Thu 16-May-19 21:40:03

Can she even board the cruise from a port like that?

Namechangeforthiscancershit Thu 16-May-19 21:52:17

OP seriously! I have two left feet (would have more if that were a thing...) and I know how important this is.

It's not selfish to want a career!

AguerosAngel Thu 16-May-19 21:59:34

YAB ridiculously U, I agree with everyone else. Your DD sounds utterly sensible.

Lunde Thu 16-May-19 22:07:25

Showreels are really important to performance based courses. Using the showreel is the way she shows her skills to prospective agents and employers.

It is a bit odd that you choose to book this holiday right through this important time of her career. Performing arts courses often have important dates for a week or two after graduation for showcases, showreels and performances etc, But she seems to have come up with a sensible solution

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