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I am not a good wife

(42 Posts)
3in4years Thu 16-May-19 17:14:20

I've just realised that I am a shit wife. I almost never cook, and we almost never dtd.
I go around thinking I'm ace because I work part time and keep 3 little kids alive and loved, get them to school etc on time, take them out a lot, keep the house cleanish and tidyish, stay in touch with friends and support family, do exercise...
But I am a rubbish wife. Must try harder! Anyone else really rubbish at one area of life? Prepared to be told off!

Orangecake123 Thu 16-May-19 17:15:33

OP you're doing you're best.That's all that matters.

Orangecake123 Thu 16-May-19 17:15:59


Bunnica15 Thu 16-May-19 17:16:06

You don’t sound rubbish to me!

The80sweregreat Thu 16-May-19 17:19:14

Your doing well.
I hate cooking and been married for nearly 30 years. Dh is a better cook than me and I just cook easy to do stuff.
Looking after small children is time consuming!
Has he said anything about it?

YourSarcasmIsDripping Thu 16-May-19 17:19:24

Do you want to be a good wife?
Is your husband complaining?
Do you want to change things for yourself or because of some arbitrary idea of what a "good wife " is?

For the record,I don't cool for OH and sex ,while great,it's pretty rare. I'm still an awesome partner.

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 17:26:16

Thank you. My dh thinks I am great and never complains. But he would love more sex!

Namastbae Thu 16-May-19 17:33:11

It sounds like your measure of a "good wife" is someone who provides food and sex for their husband which, to be honest, seems very outdated!

To me, being a good partner is about being a part of a team. So finances, childcare, housework, down time, sex -it's equal, mutual and shared.

Sometimes I'm a great partner, sometimes a rubbish one -same for DH. No one is perfect all the time.

Gth1234 Thu 16-May-19 17:50:31

All men (well most) complain they don't get enough. (sex). You sound OK to me. More importantly, your DH seems to agree. Who said you weren't; doing enough?

KatyaZamolodchikova Thu 16-May-19 17:53:27

I am a terrible wife, I forgot DH’s birthday this year. We had only been married 4 days.

You need to put less pressure on yourself, sounds like DH thinks you’re a pretty ace wife.

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 18:02:06

Yes, very outdated view but only just occurred to me that some might judge me as a useless wife. No-one says I'm not doing enough. I am doing all I can to be honest, I am shattered! But it is definitely dh who comes last.

CherryPavlova Thu 16-May-19 18:04:06

My view is very outmoded; the role of a good wife is to be adored by her husband. Anything else is his bonus.

femidom12 Thu 16-May-19 18:07:03

Yes you need to go back to wife school lol

WorraLiberty Thu 16-May-19 18:08:46

Weird thread confused

Do you normally need this level of reassurance OP?

70sWitch Thu 16-May-19 18:12:52

Are you on the wind up?
Wife = sex and cooking?

Er.... I'm the worst wife ever then. confused

Oneofthosedreadfulparents Thu 16-May-19 18:17:05

Read your OP, went away and came back to see that what I was going to say had already been written. So in essence- I’m a great cook, half decent mum, shite housekeeper, and my DIY skills aren’t up to much. But as a partner, I’m supportive, I care how he feels, I invest in our future together and he does the same. Just worry about the important stuff, the rest is a distraction.

YourSarcasmIsDripping Thu 16-May-19 18:17:44

The onlyone that can complain (not judge) is your husband. No one else has the right to do so. My mum is horrified at how "neglected" OH is,he doesn't give a shit.grin

HollowTalk Thu 16-May-19 18:20:09

If you're working part-time, why do you hardly ever cook?

You seem to be making fun of this but I would be pretty pissed off if I was your husband, especially as you seem to be very smug.

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 18:30:16

Yes HollowTalk, as I said, dh comes last. It's not great. So although I realise it's very outdated, and not the important parts of a partnership, what started as lighthearted has made me realise I am actually being a bit shit to him.
I don't need much reassurance. I am fairly confident in most areas and don't care what people think.

honeylulu Thu 16-May-19 18:32:59

OP doesn't say if she works full time or part time tbh. I'm surprised at "almost never" cooking. Does the DH do it all? 3 kids need feeding!

Rtmhwales Thu 16-May-19 18:37:38

OP said she works part time.

I wouldn't say you're a bad wife but I'd say your marriage needs work. Is it possible to get your sex life on track? Go on more dates? I wouldn't worry so much about the cooking, but if my DH was putting me last on the list of priorities I'd feel pretty shit and wonder about the state of my marriage.

OkMaybeNot Thu 16-May-19 18:40:10

Sex and cooking does not a 'good' wife make. Are you happy? Is he? are you both being good to one another?

honeylulu Thu 16-May-19 18:47:37

OP said she works part time.
Sorry, so she did!

So who does the children's meals??? I still want to know.

Coolegary1 Thu 16-May-19 19:10:21

Op, I doubt your a bad wife at all but I do think this sort of revelation you've had is healthy in that it might give you a motivation to change something that will benefit BOTH of you.
1 night a week with an early night, no tech stuff and a bit of time with your dh (even without sex) really can pull ye together.
Reminds me that I must try this myself 😂
As for cooking, pick meals that are easy, pasta and rice dishes, buy pre cut veggies to save on time. Get your kids on board even if it's only pretend (washing veggies and stirring the sauce in etc).
You never know you might actually like it.

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 19:45:00

Thanks for people bothing to respond. Anyone wondering, I work 3 days a week, on the other 2 days I have the two youngest children with me. I do all the cooking for the kids (they are all small) but very little meal prep for nice meals for us.

Dieu Thu 16-May-19 19:46:15

'Almost never doing the deed' is generally the death knell to most relationships.

Mammylamb Thu 16-May-19 19:51:55

Me too:.. last week my husband sarcastically awarded me housewife of the year award for my skills in cleaning! We fell about laughing.

Also, with a co sleeping 3 year old, and a couple of health problems in the mix; dtd has been rare! But we laugh a lot together, so all is well

Bwekfusth Thu 16-May-19 19:52:12

I used to be a good wife girlfriend actually but Christ it sounds so juvenile but since the roles have reversed and I've gone back to ft and OH to pt, I'm basically shit.

BambooB Thu 16-May-19 20:15:34

I'm a shit wife too. I do cook sometimes but not often. Xx

BambooB Thu 16-May-19 20:17:04

Also, what's sex? 😬

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 20:19:27

Ah at least I'm not the only one! Maybe I'll be better at this relationship when the kids are bigger and less physically demanding.

blackteasplease Thu 16-May-19 20:42:28

You sound great. All the things You are doing benefit the whole family.

Maybe you could work on your relationship but that takes effort from you both

user87382294757 Thu 16-May-19 20:50:05

Aren't special meals a kid of treat though? My DH cooks...he's better than me at it. I'm sure you are doing fine!

The good wife thing...this reminds me of a family meal as few weeks ago, I had cooked a (very simple) curry, for PIL to share also...FIL (who is quite old fashioned) had had a drink or two and remarked I was a "lovely wife" to DH- we both burst out laughing as it just sounded so old fashioned. DH also said 'no she's not!' (rude) I thanked FIL and said it was nice to be complimented for the stuff I do (occasionally)

In reality, I only properly cook when time (rarely, and then simple things) and am very blasé and often forget things and am generally rubbish at most of the things people mentor on here. Life is too short to worry about stuff like this, really. A happy wife is maybe better than a good wife to aim for!

user87382294757 Thu 16-May-19 20:51:17

Also what about your DH, is he a 'good husband"? Do you rate and score him in the same way? Probably not..

user1497997754 Thu 16-May-19 20:53:13

My hubby just had a cold pasty for tea.....he could have had salmon and all the trimmings....but pasty is what he's no big deal in our house we just eat what we want when we want

RussianSpamBot Thu 16-May-19 20:57:12

Would you like to be having more sex?

formerbabe Thu 16-May-19 20:58:48

If being a good wife means you cook dinner then surely being a proper husband means providing financially so the wife doesn't have to work?!

Not aimed at you specifically op...just in general.

goose1964 Thu 16-May-19 21:01:42

I cook sometimes. Like tonight when DH can't be arsed. I provide sex when wanted. I'm crap at housework, this will sound weird but I am such a perfectionist that I don't want to be seen as not doing something perfectly that I'd rather not do it.

I'm sure most men wouldn't want a wife like me but I've been married for over 30 years.

3in4years Thu 16-May-19 21:07:49

No I don't want more sex right now which is why it is last priority! One day, but I am.too tired right now. DH is a good husband as he puts us all first and is very loyal. And cooks, DIYs etc etc. But there are areas he could improve too!

GabsAlot Thu 16-May-19 21:20:03

I think im shit too op atually i know i am-DH does everything for me I have a lot of MH problems

You sound fine and your DH apprciates what you do

itsboiledeggsagain Thu 16-May-19 21:28:42

I feel like i am letting my dh down a bit at the moment too - specifically on the sex front.
He is not appreciating me at the moment as much as normal either which has got me thinking.. while i sit on the sofa watching telly and eating icecream not doing the jobs for tomorrow

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 16-May-19 21:29:04

Hang on in there, it's definitely time to focus on the children, it won't be long before you can focus more on your husband.

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