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Mother in law strange behaviour?

(155 Posts)
bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:08:36

My mother in law is having one of my children today and overnight. Lovely!

My husband came home from Work and Said that they had spoken on his way home.

According to her my son’s shoes don’t fit properly so she Will go into town tomorrow to buy new ones.

Now they are new shoes so i explained they are a little hard and need to be Worn in but he has Worn them a few days and no conplaints so far from him or nursery.

She has a history of buying my children clothes and wanting to show her style through them!

She never contacted me to tell me what she thought though. I asked my husband:
had she not have mentioned it would he have noticed they were ill fitting .

He didnt know. 😉

Is this strange?

Peanutbutterforever Fri 17-May-19 13:59:18

Could you leave the new shoes at her house, to be worn when her DGC stays there?

3e've never had a pair of kid shoes that needed to be worn in though (sounds more like old fashioned walking boots!). Are you sure they do fit OK?

Bluntness100 Fri 17-May-19 09:01:34

Op, I think if you suffer from mental health issues, then depending on what is wrong, then possibly you'll accept that maybe sometimes your reactions are off somewhat?

The fact you think the shoes need to be worn in, indicates there is an issue, as small kids shoes should never need to be worn in. It's likely your mother in law told your husband as she was concerned about your reaction if she told you and she didn't wish to make a big deal of it.

I think if you're lonely then it would not be the best idea to make enemies or fall out with the people you do have in your life, when their behaviour is otherwise good and kind, and it's hugely likely they are acting with the best of intentions. Sometimes we need all the support we can get.

feistymumma Fri 17-May-19 08:40:05

Gosh, what am I reading? You are moaning about your MIL buying shoes for your DS. Words fail. YABU

Mothership4two Thu 16-May-19 23:32:36

Lizzie48 are you my secret sister? My mum is the same and she is 80 this year.

When we put in our bathroom with a subtle white/soft sea green colour scheme, she bought us bright orange towel sets. Her way of saying she didnt like the bathroom grin. I said thanks but no thanks and she took them back. She still buys lots of clothes for the kids and for me too. When my son was 6 months old, she bought him an outfit that cost over £100, it was lovely and completely impractical and we could have done with the money at the time. She is very full on but she has a heart of gold and does it with the best intentions. I appreciate her and everything she does. She is as giving with her time. She is a generous person to all. I know I would only have to say one of the kids really wants x and she would get it for them - I don't do that though. She is a force of nature though and you don't want to get on the wrong side of her.

We are like chalk and cheese which has lead to some tricky moments especially as I am quite laid back like my Dad. But you are right, you just have to learn to say no. At least we get to learn from their mistakes (but make our own ones instead!).

MoreCookiesPlease Thu 16-May-19 20:43:47

Hmm. It's a tough one. On the surface of it, it all seems so innocent. MIL thinks the shoes don't fit correctly, so she's graciously buying a new pair tomorrow.

If I posted the same post as you OP and also posted background info about my MIL's previous behaviour, everyone on this thread would agree with me that MIL was horribly controlling and trying to make a point. This is because she has displayed controlling behaviour in the past towards my twins, often trying to be an extra parent. She frequently oversteps the mark and crosses boundaries, and when she's talked to about it she argues and pouts.

Is there similar behaviour from your MIL in the past towards you that has sensitized you or that has confirmed that she's trying to undermine you as a mother? It feels like the issue here is not really the shoes per se, but your perception that MIL is criticising your parenting?

DeeCeeCherry Thu 16-May-19 20:33:55

If she's not weird it's ok.

My mum is weird, tho. Think wanting DCs to wear what she chose, criticising my choices etc. So she'd buy them stuff then along the way stuff I'd bought would get 'lost'. Same with food - she'd buy what I didn't want DCs to have

People think a grandparent babysitting is the 'Holy Grail'. But it isn't always - not when said person subtly uses it as leverage to get their way. I arranged alternative childcare as it wasn't worth all the angst for me.

Let her get on with it if it benefits you/DC OP. If there's a backstory to this well then it's something you need to address now.

Threeminis Thu 16-May-19 20:18:12

What a moaner you are. I'd swap...my mil couldn't give a shit.

Mine either..

Mothership4two Thu 16-May-19 20:15:14

It is definitely something my mother would do and I wouldnt question it. There may be some back story here, but going from what you say, she thought your son looked uncomfortable and so bought him more shoes. She talked to your husband probably expecting that he would discuss it with you - as he did. You might not like over-consumption, but she obviously has no problem with it. Her history of buying your children clothes in order to show her style, may just be that her taste is diffenent to yours. She is showing love with time and attention - she is babysitting for you. She probably doesnt think this is a big deal, that she is doing something nice, and would be surprised at your reaction.

You seem very cynical of her motives. Like I said, may be some back story? A few ppl have tried to put it into perspective, but you are arguing against them. I suspect that nothing any of us say will change your mind and you came on here to vent (have no problem with that).

My MIL is incredibly stingy, if she bought any of my children shoes (or anything!) we would have a party! wine

envy envy envy envy envy envy envy envy envy envy

MummyParanoia101 Thu 16-May-19 20:12:59

Cornish009 You did nothing wrong!! What a sweet gesture smile ginflowers

HappyRoots Thu 16-May-19 20:02:51

If this was me - even if I thought a parent-in-law was being critical of my tastes - I think I'd just run with it with "free shoes!" in mind (I am v. skint though so that possibly factors in). Next time the wee one needs shoes I'd involve MIL and ask her if she'd like to do a shopping trip into town as she did such a good job choosing some last time. It's one job/expense off the list.

But then it all depends on the background here - if MIL is very critical or controlling in a lot of different ways then I'd feel differently. If it's just about footwear though then fuck it - let her buy some shoes. My ex-MIL started potty training my eldest, without asking, because she thought it was time. It set us back A LONG way with training. I thought that was a bit controlling (though if she'd succeeded with it I wouldn't care I guess...)

Lizzie48 Thu 16-May-19 19:56:18

The MIL sounds kind and well-meaning, but quite pushy. In this way, she’s similar to my DM, who has a way of pushing her point of view on to us and has always stressed me out. I’ve learnt that the best way to handle it is to be assertive with setting boundaries and then stick to them. One of MN’s stock phrases, which has really helped me, is ‘No is a full sentence.’ And replies like, ‘No, the shoes are fine.’

But I’m learning to appreciate what my DM does do to help and to accept that some aspects of her character are not likely to change (she’ll be 80 later this year!).

It’s great that your MIL is happy to babysit. If she genuinely loves your DS, which she seems to do, and he enjoys his time with her, then that’s the important thing.

nwybhs Thu 16-May-19 19:52:25

Nursery age

nwybhs Thu 16-May-19 19:52:05

Leather can be hard on the shoe outer without affecting comfort and fit.

We are talking about a nursery she's child. Their shoes should not be hard at all. They should not need worn in and the MIL was correct to point out they were ill fitting. Poor wee boy.

redspider1 Thu 16-May-19 19:46:22

Why are you?

redspider1 Thu 16-May-19 19:46:07

Leather can be hard on the shoe outer without affecting comfort and fit.

Alsohuman Thu 16-May-19 19:45:23

Oh give it a rest, do. Why are you so invested in this?

Fiveredbricks Thu 16-May-19 19:45:12

@recklessgran can you adopt me and my DS? Thanks 😁

nwybhs Thu 16-May-19 19:45:05

MIL's opinion they were ill fitting. Why are you accepting her opinion and not the OP who had just bought them

It was OP who said...

^so i explained they are a little hard and need to be Worn i^n

redspider1 Thu 16-May-19 19:44:29

But you can;t check also so how can you be sure? Do you think OP has purposely put her child in badly fitting shoes? Why would she do that? Why wouldn't nursery comment on it?

Alsohuman Thu 16-May-19 19:43:13

Because fit isn’t an opinion. If something doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit.

redspider1 Thu 16-May-19 19:42:10

Also in MIL's opinion they were ill fitting. Why are you accepting her opinion and not the OP who had just bought them? If she had called OP she would have explained they were new and they were not the only pair of shoes he had. OP also said there were no complaints from the child or nursery. I dare say OP would have noticed any marks on the child's feet if there was a problem.

NoSauce Thu 16-May-19 19:41:33

My MIL would never judge our decisions as parents. She's great!

Maybe you don’t buy ill fitting shoes wink

Alsohuman Thu 16-May-19 19:39:19

Yes @redspider, you are. Ill fitting shoes are a fact, there’s no judgement involved there at all. I assume you, too, are offended at imaginary slights.

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 19:38:51

My MIL would never judge our decisions as parents. She's great!

cornish009 Thu 16-May-19 19:35:43

cornish I would have been mortified that you felt my child's shoes were tatty, so much so that you bought new ones without checking with me

jellyfish70 - mortified is an incredible strong emotion to feel over something so minor. I did not think it was important enough to interupt them at work to ask - they would probably have been mortified if I had!! Thankfully my daughter/son in law and I have a relationship based on openess and honesty, and had they been mortified (or any other negative feelings) they would have told me straight. And to turn it around I am now a foster carer and the other week my daughter bought one of my foster children a new jumper with a unicorn on it because the one she already has with a unicorm was getting a bit small. She did not check or ask, and I was not mortified either, I was pleased and happy to accept her gift, as was the foster child of course.

But your point is taken and you can be glad I am not your mother or mother in law!! LOL

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