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Mother in law strange behaviour?

(155 Posts)
bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:08:36

My mother in law is having one of my children today and overnight. Lovely!

My husband came home from Work and Said that they had spoken on his way home.

According to her my son’s shoes don’t fit properly so she Will go into town tomorrow to buy new ones.

Now they are new shoes so i explained they are a little hard and need to be Worn in but he has Worn them a few days and no conplaints so far from him or nursery.

She has a history of buying my children clothes and wanting to show her style through them!

She never contacted me to tell me what she thought though. I asked my husband:
had she not have mentioned it would he have noticed they were ill fitting .

He didnt know. 😉

Is this strange?

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:10:23

Oh well, then he’ll have two pairs of shoes!

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:12:33

Haha true ....but odd way to go about it.

Not a gift .

Echobelly Thu 16-May-19 17:13:34

It's a bit odd - I wouldn't be too perturbed (or surprised) if I picked up my kids from MIL to find out she had bought them new ones because she wasn't sure about the fit of the ones the child had on, and she'd do it in a slightly passive-aggressive implying I'm not paying attention to things way. But maybe that's just her.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox Thu 16-May-19 17:13:56

I feel a drip feed coming...

I'd laugh it off and (as Bertrand said) be happy he now had 2 pairs of shoes.

Lakefront Thu 16-May-19 17:16:57

On a scale of 1-10 for strange behavior I'd put that at #1.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:17:45

He already has several pairs of shoes!

Really doesn’t need anymore - i’m big on sustainable fashion and not buying things we dont need.

Marvelendgame Thu 16-May-19 17:18:34

I think you have to ask yourself, how would you react if your own mother did this?

My ds had some shoes that were a bit clunky, my dad didn't like them he said they looked too heavy. One day he bought ds a pair of trainers. Which to be fair were great.

Now I could have taken the huff and said it was none of my dads business, or I could just be happy that ds has extra shoes and a grandparent who cared enough to buy him some!

foreverhanging Thu 16-May-19 17:18:59

I would just donate them when they come back if you don't need them, I'm sure someone would appreciate them smile it is weird but sounds like something my MIL or DM would do

Itssosunny Thu 16-May-19 17:19:13

Let her buy him a pair of fancy trainers then.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:19:41

Actually, if he’s nursery age his shoes shouldn’t need wearing in- so maybe she’s right!

ImNotNigel Thu 16-May-19 17:20:24

It would annoy me too but I’d not mention it to her or discuss it in any way. Because if she was doing it to annoy me, I wouldn’t want to reward her behaviour.

If I didnt like the shoes, I’d give them to the charity shop and never mention it again. In the event that she asked about the shoes I’d just say airily “ oh yes hes grown out them now “ and change the subject.

choli Thu 16-May-19 17:20:48

She spoke to the child's father, who is an equal parent to the mother. Nothing strange there.

formerbabe Thu 16-May-19 17:21:42

Yeah, what a bitch... buying shoes and babysitting.

Have a word with yourself op.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:22:18

Doubt my husband has a clue to be honest!

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:24:42

Nope , she wants to buy shoes because the ones he has do not fit her taste.

The shoes arent needed.

Had she asked ” does he need anything ? I would like to buy him something ” then that would be a different matter.

Personally hate over consumption .

Deelish75 Thu 16-May-19 17:25:26

As long as she’s not expecting you to pay for them I would thank her and keep them as back up

nwybhs Thu 16-May-19 17:25:28

Well hard shoes that need to be worn in are not really appropriate for nursery children so it sounds like she is right tbh. I wouldn't be fussed by this, it's more shoes, no big deal.

TixieLix Thu 16-May-19 17:25:31

If MiL does buy new shoes, just make sure she gets ones that fit your DS properly.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:26:02

Don’t sweat the small stuff! You’re not consuming- she is.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:26:06

Hahahahaha!

SpecterLitt Thu 16-May-19 17:27:55

She sounds awful, looking after your children and buying them things.. you'd think she may just.. LOVE THEM!! shock

Honestly, I never hear such nonsense in real life, these "problems" appear MN exclusive. Most people actually are appreciative that in-laws love their grandchildren.

Get some perspective, please hmm.

AmphetamineGazelle Thu 16-May-19 17:28:28

If she is buying, suck it up and use as nursery/playing shoes. If not, get DH to tell her he doesn't want her to buy shoes or see if you can get a credit note without receipt.

Does my nut in that mothers/mils 'gifts' come with conditions. I am still smarting at my mother insisting she has all clothes bought for DD back after they have beeb outgrown so she can give then to her neice's child. She cries if I don't offer all clothes but I sold the last lot on ebay. It was worth it.

Also, you could sell the shoes on fb. They do sell well.

Lumene Thu 16-May-19 17:28:30

Is she spending her own money on them or yours?

Sounds a bit annoying but a small price to pay for overnight babysitting.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 17:31:38

This is not about showing love.

Why not Show love With time , attention and affection instead of buying things that are NOT needed.

It’s a control issue.

formerbabe Thu 16-May-19 17:34:33

Why not Show love With time , attention and affection instead of buying things that are NOT needed

But you said she's looking after him today and having him overnight?!

It's not the end of the world fgs...so, your ds will have an extra pair of shoes. That will be useful.

What a moaner you are. I'd swap...my mil couldn't give a shit.

CustardySergeant Thu 16-May-19 17:35:03

When you said in your second post "not a gift" did you mean that your MIL will be asking you or your husband for the money she is going to spend on the shoes?

nwybhs Thu 16-May-19 17:35:30

Why not Show love With time , attention and affection instead of buying things that are NOT needed.

She is babysitting today AND overnight, surely that counts as the time, attention and affection part. FFS calm down over her buying shoes on top of that!

ReanimatedSGB Thu 16-May-19 17:36:30

Sounds like you are the one with the control issues. Are you this miserable and self-righteous about everything else your family do?

DaisiesAreOurSilver Thu 16-May-19 17:36:35

It’s a control issue.

And it is you being controlling.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 16-May-19 17:38:27

Control!!!

Shoes get donated.

'Oh sorry MIL. His shoes were fine. Sorry your money was wasted, do ask me next time'

Rachelle11 Thu 16-May-19 17:38:33

She is spending time with him and showing him affection. She also wants to buy him gifts. Some people show love that way.
It sounds more like you want to be in control than she does.

SpecterLitt Thu 16-May-19 17:39:26

Oh give over, she evidently does that anyway by having them. Grandparents buying items for grandchildren is normal.

I remember your previous posts, it seems you're the one with control issues and seem to look for things to be offended by even though nothing has been said or done to you that is truly offensive.

mimibunz Thu 16-May-19 17:43:22

do you think she will throw out the ones she doesn’t like?

Ticklingcheese Thu 16-May-19 17:45:47

You are spoilt, people are helping you out, tip toeing because you have opinions. Now be grateful someone loves your dc, and leave it 😀.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:47:22

“If not, get DH to tell her he doesn't want her to buy shoes or see if you can get a credit note without receipt.”

Why on earth should the dh do this?

1Wildheartsease Thu 16-May-19 17:47:45

It isn't your MIL whose behaviour seems strange.

Why would one parent 'not have a clue' about their child's needs?

ladymariner Thu 16-May-19 17:49:31

Get a grip, op, she's buying him a pair of shoes, she thinks his aren't comfortable. You know they are but so what...he's now got a spare pair.
You came on here asking if ywbu, pretty much everyone thinks you are but you still argue....you sound very hard work!

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 17:50:31

Controlling MIL. Would annoy me too OP. Is she having a dig at you for having ill fitting shoes ? I would ring her and speak to her to put her right. She can buy extra shoes but I wouldn't like her thinking badly of me.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Thu 16-May-19 17:50:39

I think you're the one with the control issues OP.

Also, I don't think nursery childrens shoes should be hard and needing to be worn in anyway. they should be comfortable at the very start.

Ratatatouille Thu 16-May-19 17:51:03

Agree that it's not "showing love". If she wanted to do something nice for him then she'd either buy something he needs or something he wants. I doubt nursery age DC gives a shiny shite about what's on his feet, so it's about MIL wanting to stamp her style on him. I would find this irritating too because my kids aren't dolls to be dressed up - although admittedly I'd be more pissed off with this coming from MIL than DM, purely because MIL doesn't bother with the kids whereas my mum sees or speaks to them daily, despite living further away.

BlueMerchant Thu 16-May-19 17:51:47

I'd not be happy. MIL is passive aggressively saying OP can't provide suitable shoes for her DS and making a deal of going into town to get him some that fit.
MIL saves the day. Whatever would they do without her!? Good job she noticed. Poor DGs.

IHateUncleJamie Thu 16-May-19 17:52:10

What a bizarre thing to get arsey about. confused I’d have loved a MIL (or indeed a DM) who happily had my dd overnight and took them out. If she wants to waste her money buying your ds shoes, let her. This seems like a massive non-issue.

cornish009 Thu 16-May-19 17:52:10

Oh dear...is this me?
When I looked after my grandson yesterday we went shopping. I noticed his school shoes were a little tatty and when I saw some in his size in the sale I bought them. My daughter and son in law said "thank you, that saves us a job the weekend". Didn't realise it could be miscontrused as interferring. Whoops!

timeisnotaline Thu 16-May-19 17:52:54

What is controlling about it? If she threw out your child’s other shoes maybe? We get it , you don’t like more shoes than necessary or your mil. But it’s not her fault you have different views on that. She thinks your child is adorable and would look so cute in x , so goes to buy x.

(And nursery age shoes should not need wearing in)

TenPastTen Thu 16-May-19 17:53:27

I get it OP. Ok it's not the most pressing issue in the world but that's not the point.

The point is he doesn't need shoes, she's just disapproving of your shoe choices for him and by buying him new "better" ones she feels she can 1 up you. Especially because she went to your husband instead of to you, when she more than likely knows he wouldn't know/care.

If you haven't encountered a mil or someone close to you like this you won't get it. It's all about the sly

TheVanguardSix Thu 16-May-19 17:54:13

Lighten up, OP and just roll with it. Will anyone die? No.

clairemcnam Thu 16-May-19 17:55:01

No it is not a control issue.
A nursery aged child should not have hard shoes that need wearing in. They can damage delicate young feet. I suspect she knows that. You have insisted you are right, so she is tackling this issue just by buying him new shoes.

Deelish75 Thu 16-May-19 17:55:31

So you believe that his original shoes are fine, she says their not and has chosen to replace them. What is she going to do with the original pair?

SpecterLitt Thu 16-May-19 17:55:46

@cornish009 That sounds lovely and it seems your daughter and son in law did appreciate it, please don't take it as being interfering. This attitude seems to be exclusive to MN where users consistently pick apart anything their in laws do and say it's controlling, usually they're the one with control issues.

I could not live being this uptight and I'm sure your family do not think this way and are appreciative of what you do for your grandchildren.

CarolDanvers Thu 16-May-19 17:55:45

Well presumably she will get his feet measured and the size will be the same as the ones he already got and she will feel like a twit. Either way he ends up with two pairs of shoes. Let het waste her money. Roll your eyes and move on OP.

Deelish75 Thu 16-May-19 17:56:18

* they’re

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 17:56:58

cornish I would have been mortified that you felt my child's shoes were tatty, so much so that you bought new ones without checking with me.

CarolDanvers Thu 16-May-19 17:56:58

I don't think you're being controlling by the way OP. I totally get where you're coming from but it's not worth getting stressed about.

choli Thu 16-May-19 17:57:04

Why would one parent 'not have a clue' about their child's needs?
Because the other parent considers herself the boss parent.

clairemcnam Thu 16-May-19 17:58:46

Come on lots of shoe shops are shit about measuring kids feet and fitting shoes.
If the shoes need "wearing in" they are not suitable.

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 17:58:47

Because many men leave all that stuff to the wife. FACT!

AvocadoLovingMamaOfOne Thu 16-May-19 17:59:07

YABU!!

PositiveVibez Thu 16-May-19 17:59:28

She's probably scared of mentioning it to you so has just made up an excuse.

She is having your child day AND overnight. Yes. 'lucky you' as you said.

What a twat. Granny waning to buy her grandson new shoes. How very dare she hmm

There's someone with control issues around here and it ain't your MIL!

Apileofballyhoo Thu 16-May-19 18:01:37

I don't think he should have hard shoes that need wearing in at any age especially at his age.

But it's hard to tell if your MIL is at fault or not. I'd be happy for someone to buy DS shoes provided they were soft and light and wide for little feet comfortable and well fitting. My MIL has many difficulties but she'd always ask about clothes possibly to make a point about her choices meeting my disapproval although I am easy going, gracious and grateful about gifts.

Coffeeisnecessary Thu 16-May-19 18:02:00

I get what you are saying op, my MIL is always implying our 2 ds are scruffy and buys them way too many clothes as she likes them to look a certain way, they have too many clothes and it bothers me! I think it is a control thing. However we have a terrible relationship so if this is the only issue then I think I'd not worry too much and appreciate the night off without giving it another thought!

Crazycat16 Thu 16-May-19 18:04:21

Is she likely to throw the shoes you bought out? That would annoy me.

Geminijes Thu 16-May-19 18:05:02

Your comment that his present shoes are a little hard and need to be worn in is concerning. Children's shoes shouldn't have to be worn in or need 'softening up'.

Are you sure that his shoes do fit him correctly?

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 16-May-19 18:05:02

In another thread you said your mil doesn’t live in the same country as you. So how can she spend all of this time with your dcs?

From this thread and others, you sound very highly strung. Why are you sweating the small stuff?

Drasticaction Thu 16-May-19 18:07:16

Op I hear you.

Many really lucky mn just don't have this experience!

If you generally get on well with her etc just donate the shoes to charity shops or pop them in Xmas box for Africa etc.

If it's part of wider control behaviour then have a think about her seeing him so much.

A sweet kind respectful granny doing this....so what.

A manipulative undermining granny who has form for this, who is rude to mum etc... not on.

People cannot believe some people can turn something this innocent into a minefield of passive agressive behaviour. Believe me they can.

lotusbell Thu 16-May-19 18:07:56

Still time to give her a ring and say " I really appreciate your offer but DS really doesn't need new shoes yet as I've just bought him his current pair". Then if she ignores you and goes ahead, then you either have a spare pair for him to play in or you could donate them. I get why you are annoyed, OP but if shes looking to wind you, you need to try and rise above it!

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:08:50

YANBU

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 18:09:56

“People cannot believe some people can turn something this innocent into a minefield of passive agressive behaviour. Believe me they can.”

Yes they can, can’t they? hmm

fedup21 Thu 16-May-19 18:10:38

When you said this is not a gift, do you mean that she will be expecting you to pay her back?

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 18:10:49

And nursery age children’s shoes should not need wearing in.

piscis Thu 16-May-19 18:12:17

My Mil was trying to show her style through the clothes she (used to) buy for DD. Old-fashioned style kind of clothes that I don't particularly like and I think it's not very practical! After many hints from me (like for example "oh I love Zara's clothes") Finally she has started to buy stuff that I like much more. But yes, she was trying to decide what style of clothes my daughter would wear (she buys a considerable amount of clothes for her) but I was having none of it and I was que clear saying that that dress wouldn't be worn many times as not practical for playing...

But I think it is controlling behaviour, I didn't like it and my Mil has a problem with boundaries, I think it's the case with yours too tbh

ladymariner Thu 16-May-19 18:14:50

jellyfish why on earth would your dm/mil have to 'check with you' before buying their gc a pair of shoes? Are you this controlling about everything else in your life?

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:15:20

My cousin has a MIL that de-robes her DC on arrival and dresses them in the clothing that she has bought and likes. Is that ok with you all that think this is ok?

Haffiana Thu 16-May-19 18:15:25

Oh, you again. Back asking MN to validate your obvious serious issues.

No. You are the one that has the problem, not the whole rest of the world.

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:16:18

lady It's not the buying of extra shoes, it's the intonation that I have sent my child out in Ill fitting shoes that I would object to.

Scrumptiousbears Thu 16-May-19 18:16:21

We have had new shoes fitted by both Clarke's and John Lewis and both times they were incorrect and had to be taken back within days. Maybe MiL is correct?

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:17:02

Not intonation. Inference!

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough Thu 16-May-19 18:18:17

Is she asking you to pay for them?

MitziK Thu 16-May-19 18:18:48

Risking playing Devil's Advocate here, but CFX and his GF did that regularly, but DC would come home with a pair of £10 plastic shoes that were 'feminine', offered no support, didn't stay on, peeled within days, left blisters and, naturally, DD thought they were amazing and had been convinced that her 'old' shoes didn't fit when CFX hadn't thrown them away out of spite and refused to wear the ones that weren't going to hurt her feet, affect her playing or end up with injuries from trying to run in them, slipping over or turning her ankle repeatedly.

Boys might not have quite such an issue with stupid fucking footwear, but he could still end up with cheap plastic shit that isn't made half as well as what he already has.

(But, if he's going to come home with a pair of properly measured and fitted Startrite or suchlike, bargain, two pairs of decent shoes - send him in a slightly too small coat next time and see what happens).

yourestandingonmyneck Thu 16-May-19 18:18:49

I don't think it's strange in the slightest.

1) grandparents like to buy things for their grandkids.

2) A child's shoes shouldn't need broken in. I'm not sure what this is all about but it does sound like he needs some comfy shoes.

3) Having had a look at your previous threads, you seem to have major issues around your MIL and clothes. I don't understand it at all to be honest, I find it weird and think you're totally overreacting.

Idontmeanto Thu 16-May-19 18:21:22

I can understand it’s a criticism and it would annoy me, too. My mil would do it, too!

puppy23 Thu 16-May-19 18:25:17

Does it really matter if he has an extra pair of shoes? They might come in handy when you find another has got a hole or something

clairemcnam Thu 16-May-19 18:26:46

Mitzik It sounds more like the shoes OP has bought that are the problem ones.

Rainbowknickers Thu 16-May-19 18:27:21

To be honest my mother never bought mine anything even tho she’s loaded and I was a skint single parent anything she did buy I’d have to pay her back with an extra few quid ‘for her troubles’ I’d just let it go give em to the charity shop if you want to let someone else get some use out of them

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 18:45:55

I get that many people may disagree With me but i dont know why people feel the need to be so rude and mean in their answers.

Think this reminds me why i shouldnt use this site.

I am lonely, I have some mental health issues and and I don’t like being controlled.

Thanks for the wake up call!

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:53:18

Find it really creepy that people look up your previous threads!

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 18:54:17

OP, you are right, remember that. MN is a crazy place sometimes. Nobody else has the right to dress your child apart from you and your DH.

steff13 Thu 16-May-19 18:57:00

Is it possible that your mental health issues are making you see her actions in a way other than how they are intended? Perhaps she's genuinely trying to be kind and helpful. Personally, I'd rather ascribe good intentions to this sort of thing than seeing it as some sort of slight. It makes me happier and makes my life easier. And as a bonus, if the person WAS doing it to bug or control me, they don't get any satisfaction from it, because I accepted it gratefully. grin

Fiveredbricks Thu 16-May-19 18:58:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 18:59:45

Thankyou jellyfish70!
Means a lot .

It’s Not that i’m upset With hearing things i don’t want to hear - just surprised and disappointed by the rudeness.

SpecterLitt Thu 16-May-19 19:01:26

OP, no one has been rude to you at all, people have stated they disagree and why and how your previous history shows that overall your mother in law is nice, the only actual "issue" you have with her is her buying your children clothing - which isn't really an issue considering nothing else in her behaviour suggests she's an awful controlling person.

I'm sorry to hear you are lonely and that you have mental health issues, but no one is controlling you, and your mother in law buying these items does not mean she is either. Perhaps it's issues you've mentioned with your own mother in the past that you are now projecting on to your partner's mother.

I have read many of your threads in the past as I often do read and not comment, but I really wanted to say something today. I think you do need to seek professional help as you do appear to have control issues and unresolved issues from your past.

I do hope things get better for you, but honestly what your mother in law is doing is what most grandparents do, it can only be offensive if you look to take offence.

You can begin to make your life slightly easier by actually being more appreciative of what she does and not taking offence, if she does buy something you feel your children do not need or you don't like - so be it. Children often receive gifts they do not need, but it's a way those that love them show their love.

Also, as others have said, children's shoes should be comfortable from the get-go as their feet are so delicate, so perhaps there is an issue that your mother in law has noticed and is helping with. The worst case scenario is is that your son has two pairs of shoes.. hardly anything to get worked up over.

Look after your health and yourself, these non-issues are not worth getting worked up over.

bellarosa81 Thu 16-May-19 19:01:29

Are you drunk fiveredbricks or are you always this rude ?

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 19:02:47

I have read all of OP's posts and not once have I though they didn't make sense or were random. Yes it is rude to cause someone of being drunk when they are not and have already stated that they struggle with mental health.

Fiveredbricks Thu 16-May-19 19:03:04

No, just genuinely curious, given the "hahahahahahahaha" type response you gave previously to no one in particular 🤷

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 19:03:05

accuse not cause

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 19:03:52

Many hahahahs on this site , it means laughing confused

Alsohuman Thu 16-May-19 19:04:30

My mum bought all my son’s shoes for years. I was very, very grateful. They’re so expensive and it was really helpful.

SpecterLitt Thu 16-May-19 19:04:53

@jellyfish70 People often look up previous threads to get a better understanding of the OP, and if possible to help offer their best advice. Others remember certain usernames and can recall things said. Some look up to see if an OP is being serious and so forth. There is absolutely nothing creepy about it.

You seem to be taking a lot of offence on this thread, even though you are not the OP.

jellyfish70 Thu 16-May-19 19:05:41

A GP buying shoes for her GC is fine.
A GP deciding to take said GC out to buy replacement shoes BECAUSE the shoes his parents bought him are ill fitting, not fine.

Fiveredbricks Thu 16-May-19 19:05:49

I somewhat suspect jellyfish70 may also indeed be the OP, @SpecterLitt confused

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