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To not want DH to go?

(202 Posts)
pinotghelp Thu 16-May-19 07:28:12

DH and I are saving for a new family home, I've taken on the majority of the pressure with saving and we are both reducing our social lives.

DH got a text earlier in the week to a WhatsApp group saying "I know it's short notice but if anyone is around at 6 on Friday (tomorrow) I'm having some birthday drinks". This was sent to everyone at the school that DH works at. DH and this person are friends but still colleagues mostly. DH acted as if he wasn't going and I got a final interview for a job I'm going for that would help us massively and said AGAIN this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday". This threw me as he finishes at 330pm and it's a drive from our home to this place so at the very least he'd have to come home first. I said "well can I come then" and he said "no I don't want you there".

This has annoyed me as I always introduce him to my colleagues. He is naturally invited. These drinks allow for partners and the message is a laid back one. When I threw a surprise party for DH earlier this year and invited this colleague the first thing he said is "can DP come?" I said yes, of course. He ended up cancelling 5 minutes before the surprise...!

Now I'm mad. DH just doesn't want me there but with no good reason. Every Friday he has a drink after work with these people so he has his own time enough. I don't get to meet them then. I've met these people on one occasion before but I'm almost kept from getting to know them. I'm not invited on any of the nights out etc.

I can't make plans of my own that night as all friends are busy or usually I would. I was looking forward to spending the time together and now feel disappointed. We haven't even had a meal out for months because of the saving but the amount he'll spend on drinks would have easily covered a little "date night"

Advice? Help me get over myself please sad

Pipandmum Thu 16-May-19 07:33:56

Frankly I would not enjoy an outing with my husband’s work mates. But if it bothers you this much have you just explained it to him that you feel left out? However if he goes out every Friday you could have assumed he’d be out this one as well and made your own arrangements. Seems to me you guys need to sit down for a talk.

GabriellaMontez Thu 16-May-19 07:33:57

Did you have plans and he cancelled them?

Do other partners go on these work nights out? Why doesn't he want you there?

Are you sure he's as committed as you?

IAmTheChosenOne Thu 16-May-19 07:37:08

Im with your DH, work and family life are two different animals. When I go out, I don't want to be baby sitting a partner. It isn't, in my experience, "normal" for teachers to tow spouses round to after work events, teachers don't even like support staff gate-crashing their little soirées let alone outsiders. They are a peculiar lot at the best of times. Frankly if you went, you would be the odd one out, the only partner. A lot of what they talk about is work related and ye they shouldn't, but they will be discussing pupils.

Slicedpineapple Thu 16-May-19 07:38:04

*this morning about how I'll be finished the same time he is so we can do something.

Today he went "but I'm going to Teacher's birthday".*

So it sounds like you didn't actually have any plans and could do something together because you're going finish early? As he got the text last night but you had this conversation this morning. If this is the case he isn't cancelling on you and it is fair that he wants his own time with friends too, whether they are work colleagues or not. Can you not get some mates round for a takeaway?

Passthecherrycoke Thu 16-May-19 07:39:55

I’m with your DH. Also the no social life saving for a house seems odd- how is the expense of the odd night out Really going to make any impact on the kind of money you need to purchase a bigger house. Are you seriously suggesting neither of you socialise for all that time?

He probably just wants time with his colleagues, partners change the dynamic. Besides you didn’t even want him to go and now you want to come along too, it looks a big controlling and jealous?

Slicedpineapple Thu 16-May-19 07:40:08

Sorry just read that your mates are busy. But it didn't sound like you actually had fixed plans so I'd take the time to chill, have a bath, watch a film, whatever. I know it's disappointing but it's fair to let him have his own time.

NameChangeNugget Thu 16-May-19 07:40:59

I agree with your DH.

Amibeingdaft81 Thu 16-May-19 07:43:28

I’m with your dh
He hardly ever goes out. He wants to do this. And if you do get him to change his mind - you both know where he’d rather be. So let it go

MairzyDoats Thu 16-May-19 07:43:51

Although I agree with the above and it sounds like you're being a bit clingy, I think it was unkind of your DH to say 'no, I don't want you there'. What was his reasoning and us he usually so abrupt? He could have been a bit more tactful!

Bluntness100 Thu 16-May-19 07:44:03

Yeah I would not want my husband tagging along to my work socials. I'd find it weird and clingy. You say partners are invited, but it didn't call that out in the invite so it's likely it's mostly colleagues having a few drinks.

Occupy yourself. You're a big girl.

Slicedpineapple Thu 16-May-19 07:44:54

Also if you haven't had a date night for a while, I suggest you just book one in. Unless he's likely to spend hundreds on drinks with work friends, the combined expense of this should not really effect the house savings too much.
Groupon have some good deals on meals out if you're worried or you could get a taste card.

timeisnotaline Thu 16-May-19 07:45:08

Why are you doing the bulk of the saving? IS he floating into home ownership over your careful budgeting? Is this relationship equal or is he less attached?
But, if he’s out every Friday you should prob assume he will be out every Friday. It also is fairly normal to not bring partners to work drinks, (but if everyone else brings partners then you are right to be upset) you could step back on inviting him out to your things.

timeisnotaline Thu 16-May-19 07:46:59

Also the no social life saving for a house seems odd- how is the expense of the odd night out Really going to make any impact on the kind of money you need to purchase a bigger house.
Budgeting very carefully is actually how lots of people save for a house! He is out every Friday - that’s not no social life.

Weebitawks Thu 16-May-19 07:47:01

It's really not a big deal and I don't see why you're creating such a fuss.

Weebitawks Thu 16-May-19 07:49:14

Also on works this people don't generally want partners there. DH wouldn't bring me along to work drinks and I've never even considered bringing him to mine. Last time a bloke from work suggested bringing his partner with him to a work thing, it went down like a lead fart.

pinotghelp Thu 16-May-19 07:49:41

He got the text Monday, I told him Tuesday about interview meaning I'd finish early so let's do something.
Today is Thursday and I mentioned it again as I need to prepare for the interview.

It's not a teachers event, it's an event for the teacher who is inviting everyone from school. As a result his friend's kids who now teach at the school are invited (like 19/20 he is 30s), his partner will be there, some women have invited husbands before. I know this as fact. I am a very sociable person and when I first met them all had no issue with being left and making friends. They follow me on social media etc

He would go on a Friday for a drink (driving) so would be in the pub 345-430 usually, then pick our dog up from day care. I work in London so my commute is longer and I work until 5. This event is from 6pm with nothing before. He can't go to the pub before unless he wants to drink and drive. He wouldn't go if he couldn't drink alcohol.

ShirleyPhallus Thu 16-May-19 07:50:01

I’d hate to always have to invite DP along to drinks, especially with my work colleagues

It isn’t a big deal. No idea why you’re not socialising to save for a house, cut yourself some slack and go out a bit

Collaborate Thu 16-May-19 07:50:30

If I were your husband I'd see the fact that him not wanting you to come on his work night out and getting mad at that was a problem in itself.

If the situation were reversed you'd get plenty of posters saying your husband is controlling and potentially emotionally abusive. There'd be lots of mentions of "red flags".

You're right to want to get over yourself. There's literally nothing to see here. Enjoy your peaceful Friday night.

pinotghelp Thu 16-May-19 07:53:04

To reiterate this is NOT a work's drinks. It's someone from work's birthday who is inviting people from work as well as his friends, anyone who wants to come

Antigon Thu 16-May-19 07:53:13

The issue is he happily wants to come to your work events but doesn’t you at his!

I would stop inviting him to your events, he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

Antigon Thu 16-May-19 07:53:52

Sorry, I meant ‘work colleague events’

Livelovebehappy Thu 16-May-19 07:54:45

A lot of drama about one evening out. It’s a bit needy wanting to go everywhere with a partner. I find that if I take my DP to Works dos that I have to spend the whole time by his side as he doesn’t really know anyone enough. It’s healthy to have time doing your own thing, and you sound quite suffocating.

Passthecherrycoke Thu 16-May-19 07:54:54

So why mention the saving for a house if OP isn’t indicating he should give up his socialising and put the money towards the saving?

Nicknacky Thu 16-May-19 07:56:52

It’s just a few drinks with colleagues. Why do you need to make your own plans, can you just stay in on your own?

It’s nothing to be angry about.

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