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AIBU?

To have lost all respect for PIL

138 replies

stressedandwhat · 02/05/2019 22:51

Please help I really don't know whether I am being over the top about this. Sorry it's so long...

I am 6 months pregnant so maybe hormones are having an impact on this I don't know.

I have been with DP for 6 years. He is five years older than me. His parents are different to mine which is fine. They just have very different political beliefs. As I do to them. My family have always been very left wing. His family are quite strongly right wing. For example they are extremely pro brexit and openly disapproving about a lot of immigrants. I've always found this difficult to hear however I have tried to build relationships on the basis that they are DPs family and we are all entitled to our own views.

The problem comes from this.

I have recently found out that PIL grow weed in their home and sell it. Have been doing so for at least a few years. This has stressed me out but I do not know if I'm overreacting or not.

Their reasons for this is that they were making a loss on a few buy to let flats they have in a nearby town and were worried about their pension pot - I find this irritating as they aren't hard up and they aren't exactly on the breadline even if they aren't minted

They are cruel when they speak people on benefits but I find this hypocritical since they are essentially cheating the tax system

The problem is they have such a close relationship with BILs children and have helped with raising them loads but I just feel like I don't want them involved loads as I don't trust their judgment and I don't want my child exposed to risky environments.

Am I awful? I don't know please help

OP posts:

Report

PlaydoughBarbershop · 02/05/2019 23:04

I don't wan't to sound patronising, but I would say pick your battles.I am lucky to have an absolutely amazing MIL who is kind, caring and thoughtful. But this is rare and if your MIL hasn't thrown accusations, personally offended you or completely over stepped the mark, I would give it another chance

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 02/05/2019 23:07

What? You think op should give her drug dealing PIL the benefit of the doubt?

IABUQueen · 02/05/2019 23:10

Difficult one OP. I can’t advise you as I’m in a stage where I’m so confused about my in laws too. But here to see what advice you get.

Try stay on civil terms with them. What does your DH think? Does he share their attitude ?

Dingowashisname0 · 02/05/2019 23:13

How have you only just found out this now?

They will end up getting caught - they always do so keep your distance. You do not want to be involved in this. You do not want your children any where near them if they were to get raided. Never let them sleep over.

I tolerate FIL views whilst I’m sat in front of him (sometimes I will object if it’s too much) but I let most of it go over my head and count the minutes till we can leave because when I do object I know he just gets a kick out of it.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could actually see who our pils were before we got too involved...

stressedandwhat · 02/05/2019 23:16

Thank you so much for the replies.

DP does agree with me about it, its been a weird one as I don't think he had ever really thought about it much or considered it before but he is a laidback person. He definitely doesn't share their views we wouldn't be together if he did. I think the problem is he has always probably envisaged a scenario where his parents have a relationship with our child similar to what they have with BILs children but I just don't feel comfortable with that now.

I don't think I'm overreacting but hard to know really.. never been in this kind of situation before obviously

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 02/05/2019 23:18

think the problem is he has always probably envisaged a scenario where his parents have a relationship with our child similar to what they have with BILs children but I just don't feel comfortable with that now.

I totally understand. Difficult position to be in Op. handhold and wish you the best. This is so tricky.

Bestfootforward1 · 02/05/2019 23:21

I wouldnt be happy if my kids were left alone to be babysit somewhere that was dealing drugs?? YANBU

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 02/05/2019 23:21

I can see why you are concerned as dodgy people will know they've got money/weed in the house and could target them like this man
www.google.com/amp/s/www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/code-blue-itv-murder-jack-16115137.amp

IABUQueen · 02/05/2019 23:22

Can you just tell your DP that you are worried about his parents views influencing your kids, and their drug dealing is not something you are ok with.. let him know that he is normal to want to have a close relationship between his parents and child, but that he needs to put his children first and tell u in all honesty what he thinks should happen ?

stressedandwhat · 02/05/2019 23:23

How have you only just found out this now?

They will end up getting caught - they always do so keep your distance. You do not want to be involved in this. You do not want your children any where near them if they were to get raided. Never let them sleep over.

I tolerate FIL views whilst I’m sat in front of him (sometimes I will object if it’s too much) but I let most of it go over my head and count the minutes till we can leave because when I do object I know he just gets a kick out of it.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could actually see who our pils were before we got too involved...

As to how I haven't known it's just one of those things where we just didn't know😬. It makes sense now we do. I agree with what you've said and that's my exact feelings about it

OP posts:

sundaybluecoffee · 02/05/2019 23:31

If you don't like them much I'd just call the police and let them know they're growing & dealing drugs..
But then I'm petty

Seriously though I'm sure you can report it anonymously?

HateIsNotGood · 02/05/2019 23:31

You're not over-reacting at all. If they're going to be good Gps to your dc and your only problem is that they don't pay tax on their 'crop' maybe you can campaign to get 'weed' legalized so they then have to pay tax?

As well, lots of weed growers openly say 'rightish' things like "all benefits claimants are scroungers" in order to deflect any suspicions that they might be growing weed. It does tend to work.

The absolute worst thing you could do is to 'grass' on them.
Pun completely intended.

Wasywasydoodah · 02/05/2019 23:34

YANBU. It’s v irresponsible to let children witness drug production and dealing. So many risks - normalisation (when they’re teens they can say ‘it’s ok to use weed because granny grows it’), tisks from clients, witnessing a police raid. I wouldn’t let them visit grandparents house, only at yours or on trips out.

stressedandwhat · 02/05/2019 23:38

It's definitely not my only problem about the tax dodging aspect. I suppose that's a side issue I have with them as it highlights their hypocrisy wrt their views on people who claim benefits for example. My main issue is what's safe for my child or children if we do have any more and you guys have helpfully confirmed that I'm right about the risk of the house getting raised and exposure to normalising it for example so thank you

It's a shame because otherwise I think they can be very kind but it is what it is

OP posts:

foreverhanging · 02/05/2019 23:45

Tbh I'd probably report them ...

Also, I did chuckle at 'pension pot'

Doubletrouble99 · 02/05/2019 23:47

Personally I wouldn't get too hung up on the 'dealing' thing. Who are they actually selling it to? There are quite a few people now a days who use weed therapeutically as a pain reliever. And there are plenty of the middle aged who would love an easy supply to relive their youth. It may well not be a load of low lifes coming round at all. I, however wouldn't want my children staying there on their own but I would take them round with DH or meet up at yours or go to the park etc. I wouldn't cut them off completely because of it.

blackcat86 · 02/05/2019 23:54

I would report them unanimously. They are committed a crime and profiting from it. I certainly wouldn't be going round there if I was pregnant or, taking/leaving my child there. They are clearly very aware of what they are doing and dont seem to really care which would annoy me.

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2019 00:01

I think my brain has exploded over the right wing drug dealers...it wasn’t like that in my young day! And “pension pot” made me laugh.

But OP-do they make a lot of money? Is is a big operation and are your children likely to come into context with drug users/dealers? I’d so, then of course they mustn’t go to their house.

Lalliella · 03/05/2019 00:05

Wow OP your PIL combine 3 or my most hated things - right wing beliefs, Brexit and drug dealing. I don’t think I would want anything to do with them. And I would be tempted to tip the police off anonymously. Watch out though, this is a great story for the Daily Heil.

edgeofheaven · 03/05/2019 00:09

How long is it likely to stay illegal - pretty big move across developed countries to decriminalise and legalise. The former US Speaker of the House is now on the board of a cannabis company.

Tread carefully for now but I don’t think it’s the moral outrage some others do.

WhatNowRandy · 03/05/2019 00:15

You don't really need to build much of a relationship, beyond what dealings your DH wants to have with his family, and keeping things civil for his sake etc.

It can be difficult when you're very different from your ILs, but I've found it a lot easier to accept and live with, once I realised that I really didn't need to be friends with them, or find any agreement with them, or even like them! As long as there was mutual manners, we could co-exist - as I never wanted to get in the way of DH having whatever kind of a relationship he wanted with his family (turns out, he wants a distant one, which suits me fine).

I lost my respect to ILs because of infidelities, secrets, underhand dealings and breaking the law. It doesn't help me to like them that they're anti-feminism, anti-immigration (or anything foreign), anti-everything. We drink tea (in which we have different tastes) and chat about the weather and our pets.

pallisers · 03/05/2019 00:29

How long is it likely to stay illegal

Does that really matter when it is illegal now? I voted for legalisation of cannabis in my state in the US but I would have little respect for the judgement of anyone who was growing and dealing it before it was legalised. They have poor judgement and a huge sense of entitlement (immigrants are bad but they are entitled to deal illegal drugs to catch up on their savings - right then). I wouldn't want my children influenced significantly by them. I'd be fine with a fairly low-key grandparent relationship but no way would I want them being extremely close to my children. At best they are stupid. At worst they are immoral.

Dljlr · 03/05/2019 00:35

I just couldn't get excited by this but if it upsets you I guess that's just something you can't help, and further indication that your values are very different to theirs. I don't think that preventing contact with a grandchild, or reporting them to anyone, would be a reasonable response to having right-wing pot-heads in the fam, though.

MustShowDH · 03/05/2019 00:36

If this is real (pension pot, grass on them etc..) then I'd leave it long enough since finding out that they didn't think it was you, then I'd report.

Wouldn't let my child anywhere near drug dealers and if my DH disagreed he could argue it out in court.

Coyoacan · 03/05/2019 00:36

Be very careful, OP.

There's not just a risk of the police raiding them, but what if other drug dealers feel that they are treading on their toes?

I know of a young criminal who raided a weed-growing house armed with taisers.

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