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To exect nearly 15 y/o DS's father to pay for him to go on a holiday HE invited him on?

(42 Posts)
ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 18:59:56

This is the first time I've done a AIBU.. but I've got to know.. AM I?

X H and I have always maintained a good relationship for the sake of our DS, now nearly 15. We broke up when he was nearly 2 and DS and ex H have always had a good father/son relationship.

xH has booked holiday to Egypt for himself, his wife, their DS and, for the first time, invited OUR DS along. Because DS will be 16 by then (Aug 2008) he has to pay for him as an adult.

I am happy and pleased to DS to go. It will be great for him to travel because we are unlikely to ever be able to afford to take him abroad and also he has CF.. I want him to have exciting experiences like this as we can't take his good health for granted.

XH knows how we are fixed financially (living on disability benefits) but as he can be a bit thick-skinned about these things, when he mentioned money I told him that we were be unlikely to be able to contrinute much if any towards DS's share £800+) although we'd do our best to try and get his spending money together by next Aug. (xH suggested £200.)

Now, every time I speak to ExH he goes on about how "together we'll sort the money out" and when he has to make the next payment. And also, trying get DS jobs in which we can earn money to give to him to contribute towards the holiday.

This is starting to give me the hump. He has already got £300-odd of "DS's costs" from an account he has been putting into since DS was a baby and which I suggested he use if he wanted to.. but he has to keep going on about the additional £500+

I'm NOT a sponger.. (despite being a benefit claimaint) but is it unreasonable to think that if he invites HIS son to go on holiday with them, then he should be prepared to pay for him? They are not rolling in it, but they both work, have nice own home, two car family etc.. we are completely the opposite (and no I am not jealous, am happy for him!) But I don't WANT poor DS to have to work this year.. maybe NEXT year when he offically leaves school, in the holdiays between leaving and college.. and to give himthe experience of having some wages.. not to hand over to someone.

So far Ex H has suggested fruit picking (bloody hard work!) and Tescos (am pretty such they won't employ a 15 year old.. will check).. just so DS can earn this money to hand over! He does babysit for them sometimes.. I suggested that THAT could be a contribution to which he said "Well I'm hardly going to pay myself out of my own pocket am I?" completely missing the point that babysitters usually get paid!

DS is fit and well.. but he stays that way (so far!) via a complicated daily regime and 4 hours swimming training a week. I would like his summer holidays to BE holidays.. not work! He has had a gruelling first year of GCSE coursework as well.

Am I being unreasonable? I have just been narky with xH and he has sworn at me for first time in years.. I can foresee trouble. I think our "good realtionship for sake of DS" is important.. and I WANT DS to go to Egypt with them, and I WILL contribute what little we can afford, and encourage DS to save what little he has in pocket money/birthday money etc.. but should he really have to get a job to help fund "his portion" of their family holiday costs?

Please give me input!

Kbear Mon 16-Jul-07 19:03:15

His dad should pay.

HonoriaGlossop Mon 16-Jul-07 19:10:37


Not at all! You've been more than reasonable. I think it's outrageous that your dh wouldn't pay for his own child to go on holiday

Specially as you are willing to contribute what you can.

i think it's time to be up front and say to your ex "we are likely to be able to contribute this much but that's it". Tell him that this year you don't want ds to have to work; that's completely understandable. i think you need to call his bluff and basically make him tell you how much money ds has to pay before his dad will consent to take him on holiday.

Make him clarify himself.

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 19:10:50

Thank you Kbear. Anyone else? Please? I am jittery as hell over.. need to know I'm on the right track.

worzsel Mon 16-Jul-07 19:11:45

Absolutly YANBU !

If you were taking your son on holiday then obviously you'd have to pay, i cant understand why your xdp thinks it should be different for him !

He invited him, he should pay for him !

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 19:12:03

Thank you Honoria. He's booked now so DS IS going presumably.. but he clearly doesn't want to have to pay the "whole £500+" still owing of "DS's portion".

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 19:12:45

God.. thank God for that.. I was starting to doubt myself..

please continue..

PollyLogos Mon 16-Jul-07 19:14:30

Well since your ex invited ds I would have expected him to pay for him. Is ex's other ds expected to pay for himself too?

It sounds really odd to me to be honest - if you were still married surely he wouldn't expect his son to pay for his holiday? I would expect my kids to save up some money towards their 'spends'but not to pay for their holidays with me.

GoodGollyMissMolly Mon 16-Jul-07 19:14:57

YANBU, if your XH has invited DS, then your XH should pay for it. He is the unreasonable one for thinking that he shouldn't pay

I am at your XH's attitude. Pity it has to be like this when you have both previously had a amicable relationship.

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 19:17:38

His other son is 5

You are right.. why should DS pay because his father and I aren't married anymore!

filchthemildmanneredjanitor Mon 16-Jul-07 19:17:54


he is his father and he should pay.

is he making his other child pay his own fare? i shoudn't think so.

he is being a nob. he should pay definitely.

HedTwigg Mon 16-Jul-07 19:18:13

your XH needs a kick in the pants

he really does

what a tosser and how dare he

and you definitely are categorically NOT unreasonable in being upset, angry, devestated by this

what a tosser

edam Mon 16-Jul-07 19:18:19

YANBU, your ex is a tosser on this subject at least. He issued the invitation, he's paying for one of his children, he should pay for both. It's hardly ds's 'fault' that he's 15, fgs!

Ask him if he really wants to treat your ds worse than his other boy?

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 19:25:22

I'm not devastated.. xH does not have the power to devastate me .. but I am narked.

He said he wants DS to "know the value of money". I said he knows.. he has grown up in a family where we budget for things as there is rarely any to spare.

He said "exactly!".. but which I now assume he means he wants "better" for DS than we have provdied. Well so do I... but I suppose this was an insult. I didn't quite take that in at the time..


Pitchounette Mon 16-Jul-07 19:59:46

Message withdrawn

SSSandy2 Mon 16-Jul-07 20:09:35

No if he invites him, he should pay for him.

ProjectSeverus Mon 16-Jul-07 20:10:39


Your EX H is being a twat.

Poor DS.

maisemor Mon 16-Jul-07 20:18:07

The way I see it then it is quite simple.

Dad "invites" son on trip dad pays.
Mum "invites" son on trip mum pay.
Granny "invites" your son on a trip then granny pays.

Son asks to go on trip, then son pays.

If he is going to ask one son to pay to join him on this trip, then he has to do the same for the other son and the new wife.

There is absolutely no logic in what he is saying.

If he is going to withdraw the invitation because he is not going to get enough money out of his own son then make sure that he is going to tell your son himself and make sure that he is going to tell the truth.

He's a fool, a fool I tell you.

SSSandy2 Mon 16-Jul-07 20:24:36

he's a total idiot, why invite him in the first place if he wasn't going to pay? But he can pay for his other child (or is this going out of the dc's savings account or something?). And now all this crap pussy-footing about regarding where he could take a 100 from etc. Any savings I have put aside for dd incidentally are for her EDUCATION and they wouldn't go on paying for a holiday someone else invited her to.

Problem is you've been all fair and reasonable and made too many concessions (I think) already so now he's trying to get out of paying for anything at all.

How are you going to tackle it?

teafortwoandtwofortea Mon 16-Jul-07 20:25:08

He should pay - DLA is pittance. How on earth would you be able to afford it without severely limiting yourself financially in other ways like err, buying food?

Strange bloke.

Agree with poster below, is there a possibility this has more to do with his current partner than him?

2gorgeousboys Mon 16-Jul-07 20:29:54

My stepson comes with us on holiday (when and if his Mum allows it!) and WE pay although we do knock some money off the child support payments my DH makes as we are feeding and clothing him for that time. It is simple if we can not afford for us ALL to go then we do not go!

saadia Mon 16-Jul-07 20:35:43

OMG, I've just read the OP. Ex-H should most definitely pay and if he couldn't afford it he should never have suggested it. He is paying for his other ds, your ds is too young to be expected to pay for himself. I am appalled.

Bouncingturtle Mon 16-Jul-07 20:50:36

I think it is rather mean of your XH to offer to take him on holiday and then not pay for him, knowing your financial situation. Reminds me a bit of Cinderella (when she's told she can go to the ball if she has a dress, and the ugly stepsister then rip it to shreds), so no you are NBU. You need to be upfront with him. I'm sure the fact that your ds is working to earn some pin money does demonstrate he knows the value of money, but beinging only 15 his earnings potential is very limited.
Give yoUR XH a kick in the behind.
I know some posters have assumed (with apparently no evidence ) that his partner might be behind this. Do you suspect this is the case? If so, she too needs a kick up the backside, being a stepmum myself, I certainly don't begrudge paying for dss coming on holiday with us, in fact I take it for granted that we do! Just as his dm ummy pays for him on holidays she takes him on!

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys Mon 16-Jul-07 21:05:02

Have no idea about his wife's opinion. She has a rather dim view of me I believe but I have no relationship with her whatsoever; never needed to have. She and DS get on ok which is all I care about.

I do imagine that xH is discussing all this with all my ex in-laws seeing as it was his sister (who is not the brightest spark it has to be said) who suggested he work at Tesco sweeping floors. (!) LOL.. it is Cinderella isn't it!!

I will not bring it up with him again. Next time he mentions it I am going to tell him straight that I am not going to have DS working to pay towards this holiday and that's that.. that it is his responsibility to pay for "DS's share" and that he shouldn't have asked him to come if he wasn't prepared to pay for him. I am not in the least scared to say these things.. I just didn't want bad feeling if at all possible.. I know all this is already making DS uncomfortable.

I'll tell him that too; that his father's obsession with "DS's costs" is taking all the pleasure out of it for DS.

May also ask him if he has taken his DS's "costs" out of his little savings account! Although that remark is sure to make him spit feathers!

Ah well..

Bouncingturtle Mon 16-Jul-07 21:15:08

Good luck, you tell him what for

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