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I would really appreciate your views on this please

(56 Posts)
howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 13:59:17

I have changed a view details but essentially how would you feel in this situation? DD was very badly bullied for about six months by a few girls. It was absolutely horrendous and the bullying was very cruel. These girls did everything they could to humiliate and ridicule Dd. I noticed that Dd became very unhappy and withdrawn as did some teachers. Eventually it came out (Dd burst out crying and told me everything). The school were informed. The girls who were responsible were very much the queen bee and her entourage types. Very bright and very popular. The school love these girls and their parents. To be fair the girls admitted what they had done and said sorry to Dd. I think the main queen bee got a day long suspension. I don’t want to go into detail about the bullying go fear of being outed (I have namechanged) but the bullying was sustained and some of it had a sexual element. It was very weird and very humiliating. If we had gone to the police I believe the girls would have been in big trouble.
Here’s my problem. The queen bee who was at the heart of this has just been made head girl. I am incredibly angry and upset and I wonder how others would feel in the same position?

Beeziekn33ze Fri 26-Apr-19 14:46:10

At a ‘naice’ girls’ school the girl who bullied me from Y7 to 6th form was head girl. I didn’t realise it was bullying until decades later. I just wondered why she didn't like me, we weren’t even in the same form.
As an adult I even avoided seeing a group of old school friends because she would be there.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 26-Apr-19 14:48:41

The bullying sounds disgraceful and I'm really sorry that your DD went through that...

but objectively, it was two years ago, the girls were punished at the time and your daughter has since left the school.

Head girl and head boy were both voted for by pupils at my school. Anyone who had had any "serious" issues in the last 12 months was only allowed to be nominated if they had "redeemed" themselves in the eyes of the school. That meant our head girl was someone who was a horrendous bully until year 9, but turned into a completely different person in y10. Maybe that's normalised it a little for me.

Didiusfalco Fri 26-Apr-19 14:49:39

I would be furious. Given that your younger daughter is still there I would complain to the Head and the Chair if Governors, saying that they need to review how they appoint their head girls in order that this situation cannot recur as this individual is not a good example to younger pupils.

ParmaViolet44 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:53:55

Disgusting. Something similar happened at our school, a boy was suspended for appalling online bullying AND trying to set up one of the new kids who had just joined to take the blame. He was on stage at the end of the same TERM getting a medal.

What the hell sort of a message does this send? I think anyone who receives a suspension for something that serious should be out of the running for positions like head boy or head girl.

Mammatino Fri 26-Apr-19 14:54:09

This is terrible. What a message to send out. I will bet the school are all about standing up to bullies, when they are busily brushing things under the carpet. Of course things change and the bully may have turned over a new leaf, but what about teaching consequences? As previous posters have said some nasty little shits just bat their eyelashes, insincerely say sorry and carry on being shits. Your DD sounds like a resilient young adult who will know how to be respectful of other people's feelings. Keep being supportive and a good mum.

Tinkobell Fri 26-Apr-19 14:55:58

I'd make sure school know about the sexual element....say that you're surprised that their choice of Head Girl; you thought this would surely go to someone with an unblemished reputation and exemplary behaviour. Say if there is any hint of reoccurance in the future that you will not hesitate to involve the Police. Put that in writing.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 26-Apr-19 14:58:09

I would be livid and I'd probably go to the school and let them know that too

Vulpine Fri 26-Apr-19 15:00:47

I'd complain to the school. I tbink that's awful

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 15:07:28

Thank you again for the responses. I hope you appreciate that I have changed a couple of details and I don’t feel that I can give all the facts here but I have tried to give the gist of it.

Richymondo Fri 26-Apr-19 15:18:04

MrsSpenserGregson I wonder if you could take this to the police given that it sounds a lot like cyber stalking. I would take this seriously as I had a friend whose bully continued stalking her after she had left her school to go to a separate sixth form, and it still affects her to this day. I would also investigate a solicitor's "cease and desist" (if that's possible) letter. I suppose what I'm saying is, don't let the bully get away with it, just because it's social media, doesn't mean it's less harmful.

ThatCurlyGirl Fri 26-Apr-19 15:37:31

I hate that I didn't realise until literally just now how my reaction would be even stronger and angrier if a head boy was elected after bullying a fellow pupil with a sexual element to the bullying.

I really am so sorry this happened to DD and glad that she's out of the situation x

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:11:22

It’s just eaten me up so much. Anyone who has been bullied or who has a child that’s been bullied has my total sympathy. It’s an horrendous thing to experience.

IvanaPee Fri 26-Apr-19 16:14:00

I think I’d write an email/letter to the head just outlining my disgust. I really do.

recrudescence Fri 26-Apr-19 16:47:10

You should write to the head expressing your very great displeasure but also accept that is all you can practically and realistically do. Try to draw a line under it there because it’s a shame you find it so troubling still - your daughter seems to have moved on and I feel you should try to as well.

BlingLoving Fri 26-Apr-19 16:50:43

I'm going to go against the grain here. It happened two years ago. I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her. Of course, that assumes that her behaviour DID change subsequently and that she learnt her lesson.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:58:33

I am trying to move on but it is difficult.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 16:59:41

I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her

I don't think that not rewarding bullying by not allowing her to become head girl is a punishment. It's a consequence.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:02:25

That’s what I was thinking InTheHeat.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 17:05:09

howwudufeel flowers

I think also that even if she is a reformed bully the school ought to think about how her actions impacted her victims and avoid rewarding that because it doesn't send a constructive message to those she hurt.

ScrewyMcScrewup Fri 26-Apr-19 17:06:43

Really awful. In my school and sixth form the head girl and boy were chosen by the teachers, which is as it should be IMO.

Whatthefunk Fri 26-Apr-19 17:11:13

Schools can be very insensitive. My Dd was bullied badly, in year 5. And at the end of year awards, he was given a prize for maths, the prizes were given out in pairs, and he had to go on stage with his bully. Really took the shine off his achievement, for him....

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:56:55

That is very insensitive whatthefunk. I wonder whether schools don’t think or don’t care in situations like that.

Booboostwo Fri 26-Apr-19 18:00:29

What is the girl’s behaviour like now? Has she learnt from her awful behaviour two years ago? Is she genuinely remorseful? If she is a different person, it would be really counterintuitive for the past behaviour to continue having negative consequences. She is a child who made an awful mistake that resulted in substantial harm to another, innocent child, but if she has faced up to this mistake it should not rule her entire school career.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Fri 26-Apr-19 18:05:26

I went to a teacher training session once where the trainer suggested cosying up to the queen bee to make others fall in line. I actually felt sick. What does this teach kids about their roles in the world and who are we encouraging in positions of power and influence? Fubar!!!

BackInTime Fri 26-Apr-19 18:11:37

Students who have behave in this way should be excluded from being Head Girl or Boy. What kind of message does this send to bullies and their victims? Also what kind of message does is send to other students, that are kind and well behaved but go unnoticed and never get picked for these things.

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