Advanced search

I would really appreciate your views on this please

(56 Posts)
howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 13:59:17

I have changed a view details but essentially how would you feel in this situation? DD was very badly bullied for about six months by a few girls. It was absolutely horrendous and the bullying was very cruel. These girls did everything they could to humiliate and ridicule Dd. I noticed that Dd became very unhappy and withdrawn as did some teachers. Eventually it came out (Dd burst out crying and told me everything). The school were informed. The girls who were responsible were very much the queen bee and her entourage types. Very bright and very popular. The school love these girls and their parents. To be fair the girls admitted what they had done and said sorry to Dd. I think the main queen bee got a day long suspension. I don’t want to go into detail about the bullying go fear of being outed (I have namechanged) but the bullying was sustained and some of it had a sexual element. It was very weird and very humiliating. If we had gone to the police I believe the girls would have been in big trouble.
Here’s my problem. The queen bee who was at the heart of this has just been made head girl. I am incredibly angry and upset and I wonder how others would feel in the same position?

nauseous5000 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:03:05

I'd be upset, but remember that in my school head girl and boy was popularity contest and voted on by the kids themselves

insecure123 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:06:08

Sounds like it possibly has been voted by the pupils? At my schoold teachers chose head boy and head girl iirc. i think there was some sort of "committee"

It doesn't send out a very good message and I would be upset if I was in your position. Unsure what you can do about it though. orry I can't help anymore. You're poor daughter

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:08:20

I know there is little I can do and I don’t think it would help things if I tried.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 26-Apr-19 14:08:32

How long ago was the bullying? If it's a few years back, then yes people can change.

The school will not back down on the head girl appointment. I echo the previous poster, it is usually a vote with a nod from the teachers.

ThatCurlyGirl Fri 26-Apr-19 14:09:20

Terrible behaviour on the school's part to reward the ringleader with something that will look great on her UCAS application etc. Ugh.

Your poor daughter being bullied so mercilessly, god kids can be absolute bastards can't they? Horrid girls.

Hope they are ashamed when they have their own kids and imagine the same happening to them.

Head girl? Head arsehole more like.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:10:10

I wouldn’t want the decision to be reversed. That would open a can of worms. I am hurt that the school are still championing people who are capable of such cruel things.

bubblesforlife Fri 26-Apr-19 14:10:54

If there was something of a sexual nature, which you feel has a risk of recurring, I would inform the police.

I'm surprised that after being suspended, she was allowed be head girl. If you are still in contact with the school, could you raise it as a concern that this girl has tormented another and is setting a bad example for the rest of the students?

No doubt if she was suspended every student in the school knows why. It sends the message that it's acceptable to bully and then be placed on a pedestal, giving no incentive to other students not to act out!

ihatethecold Fri 26-Apr-19 14:11:47

Awful. Your dd must feel terrible after hearing that.
So sorry. I really can relate and understand the damage that bullying does.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:12:56

Thank you. Your responses are incredibly comforting to me because I feel so isolated in this situation.

Bambamber Fri 26-Apr-19 14:14:30

The school should not have allowed her to become head girl, whether she was voted by other pupils or not.

How long ago did this happen? I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 26-Apr-19 14:15:13

You havent said how long ago it was.

Eg. I wouldn't hold a Y13, 18 year old woman accountable for actions as Y7 11 year old child .

She apologised, she had her punishment. I dont see the purpose in keeping on making people 'pay'.

I know I shall be the odd voice out here.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:16:05

It happened about two years ago.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 14:22:24

I hit the roof when the girl who had been making graphic and violent threats to DS1 (and others) on the school bus was chosen to represent the school in a dance competition on stage.

I told the school I felt it was entirely inappropriate, since the only reason the threats stopped were that I DID involve the police at command level since her parent is a DCI and wasn't prepared to do anything.

I don't know if there's anything you can do, but I get why you're so upset and I don't think you're wrong at all.

Sad fact of life is that some people float through life, causing untold damage and still get their own way. It's shit.

DevaDiva Fri 26-Apr-19 14:26:20

That's really shit and I'd be fuming. Sadly there probably isn't a lot you can do, but I would email the Chair of Governors and the Head to let them know how I felt about it.

Even if she is a reformed character she still should not be out in this elevated position in my opinion.

Handsoffmysweets Fri 26-Apr-19 14:28:20

I’m disgusted reading your post OP. How old is this little bitch? 15/16 I assume? I’d be writing to the governors to complain.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:33:26

At the time when it happened we were very angry and let the school know we were unhappy but we didn’t tell other people what had happened. I think they (the school) took advantage of that and are pretending it never happened.

Eliza9919 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:38:30

the bullying was sustained and some of it had a sexual element. It was very weird and very humiliating. If we had gone to the police I believe the girls would have been in big trouble.

Why didn't you take it to the police?

Dragongirl10 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:38:42

That is appaling behavior by the school, even if voted for the senior management of the school should have ensured someone more deserving got the role.

Personally l would ask for a meeting with the Head and safeguarding lead and tell them exactly what a terrible example to pupils this is, and they should be ashamed to have blatantly ignored the bullying and let such a girl hold a role of honour.

Dragongirl10 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:39:30

apalling even!

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:41:04

I don’t know why we didn’t take it to the police. I suppose we were busy dealing with dd’s mental health. Happily she is relatively unscathed and I am proud of her. I wish I had gone to the police but it is so hard to see these things clearly when you are in the thick of things.

MrsSpenserGregson Fri 26-Apr-19 14:41:46

I would be furious, and very upset, in your position OP.

My DD was bullied out of her grammar school recently (luckily we were able to get her into the school - comprehensive - that we really should have sent her to in the first place). The teacher in charge of pastoral care could not have been less interested. The bully is still contacting DD on social media - every time we think she's been blocked everywhere, she creates a new account and starts again. I've messaged her parents who clearly haven't stopped it. It's infuriating.

Schools definitely do cover these things up in my experience, sadly.

How does your DD feel about it? Is she still at the same school?

bloodywhitecat Fri 26-Apr-19 14:43:21

I think it is a very poor decision by the school and sends out completely the wrong message to the students.

MrsSpenserGregson Fri 26-Apr-19 14:44:00

Oh, and I would say that someone who had behaved badly enough to be suspended from school two years ago absolutely should not be able to be head girl. I don't think that's unfair at all. The school's handling of the whole thing sounds pathetic in the extreme. Are the girl's parents on the board of governors, or big donors to the school, or something?

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 14:45:03

Dd is no longer at the school. Her choice but I have no doubt the bullying contributed to her decision. I have a younger Dd still there. I can’t stand the idea of the head girl having some power and authority over her.

I should add that I have namechanged for this.

Beeziekn33ze Fri 26-Apr-19 14:46:10

At a ‘naice’ girls’ school the girl who bullied me from Y7 to 6th form was head girl. I didn’t realise it was bullying until decades later. I just wondered why she didn't like me, we weren’t even in the same form.
As an adult I even avoided seeing a group of old school friends because she would be there.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 26-Apr-19 14:48:41

The bullying sounds disgraceful and I'm really sorry that your DD went through that...

but objectively, it was two years ago, the girls were punished at the time and your daughter has since left the school.

Head girl and head boy were both voted for by pupils at my school. Anyone who had had any "serious" issues in the last 12 months was only allowed to be nominated if they had "redeemed" themselves in the eyes of the school. That meant our head girl was someone who was a horrendous bully until year 9, but turned into a completely different person in y10. Maybe that's normalised it a little for me.

Didiusfalco Fri 26-Apr-19 14:49:39

I would be furious. Given that your younger daughter is still there I would complain to the Head and the Chair if Governors, saying that they need to review how they appoint their head girls in order that this situation cannot recur as this individual is not a good example to younger pupils.

ParmaViolet44 Fri 26-Apr-19 14:53:55

Disgusting. Something similar happened at our school, a boy was suspended for appalling online bullying AND trying to set up one of the new kids who had just joined to take the blame. He was on stage at the end of the same TERM getting a medal.

What the hell sort of a message does this send? I think anyone who receives a suspension for something that serious should be out of the running for positions like head boy or head girl.

Mammatino Fri 26-Apr-19 14:54:09

This is terrible. What a message to send out. I will bet the school are all about standing up to bullies, when they are busily brushing things under the carpet. Of course things change and the bully may have turned over a new leaf, but what about teaching consequences? As previous posters have said some nasty little shits just bat their eyelashes, insincerely say sorry and carry on being shits. Your DD sounds like a resilient young adult who will know how to be respectful of other people's feelings. Keep being supportive and a good mum.

Tinkobell Fri 26-Apr-19 14:55:58

I'd make sure school know about the sexual element....say that you're surprised that their choice of Head Girl; you thought this would surely go to someone with an unblemished reputation and exemplary behaviour. Say if there is any hint of reoccurance in the future that you will not hesitate to involve the Police. Put that in writing.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 26-Apr-19 14:58:09

I would be livid and I'd probably go to the school and let them know that too

Vulpine Fri 26-Apr-19 15:00:47

I'd complain to the school. I tbink that's awful

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 15:07:28

Thank you again for the responses. I hope you appreciate that I have changed a couple of details and I don’t feel that I can give all the facts here but I have tried to give the gist of it.

Richymondo Fri 26-Apr-19 15:18:04

MrsSpenserGregson I wonder if you could take this to the police given that it sounds a lot like cyber stalking. I would take this seriously as I had a friend whose bully continued stalking her after she had left her school to go to a separate sixth form, and it still affects her to this day. I would also investigate a solicitor's "cease and desist" (if that's possible) letter. I suppose what I'm saying is, don't let the bully get away with it, just because it's social media, doesn't mean it's less harmful.

ThatCurlyGirl Fri 26-Apr-19 15:37:31

I hate that I didn't realise until literally just now how my reaction would be even stronger and angrier if a head boy was elected after bullying a fellow pupil with a sexual element to the bullying.

I really am so sorry this happened to DD and glad that she's out of the situation x

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:11:22

It’s just eaten me up so much. Anyone who has been bullied or who has a child that’s been bullied has my total sympathy. It’s an horrendous thing to experience.

IvanaPee Fri 26-Apr-19 16:14:00

I think I’d write an email/letter to the head just outlining my disgust. I really do.

recrudescence Fri 26-Apr-19 16:47:10

You should write to the head expressing your very great displeasure but also accept that is all you can practically and realistically do. Try to draw a line under it there because it’s a shame you find it so troubling still - your daughter seems to have moved on and I feel you should try to as well.

BlingLoving Fri 26-Apr-19 16:50:43

I'm going to go against the grain here. It happened two years ago. I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her. Of course, that assumes that her behaviour DID change subsequently and that she learnt her lesson.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:58:33

I am trying to move on but it is difficult.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 16:59:41

I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her

I don't think that not rewarding bullying by not allowing her to become head girl is a punishment. It's a consequence.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:02:25

That’s what I was thinking InTheHeat.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 17:05:09

howwudufeel flowers

I think also that even if she is a reformed bully the school ought to think about how her actions impacted her victims and avoid rewarding that because it doesn't send a constructive message to those she hurt.

ScrewyMcScrewup Fri 26-Apr-19 17:06:43

Really awful. In my school and sixth form the head girl and boy were chosen by the teachers, which is as it should be IMO.

Whatthefunk Fri 26-Apr-19 17:11:13

Schools can be very insensitive. My Dd was bullied badly, in year 5. And at the end of year awards, he was given a prize for maths, the prizes were given out in pairs, and he had to go on stage with his bully. Really took the shine off his achievement, for him....

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:56:55

That is very insensitive whatthefunk. I wonder whether schools don’t think or don’t care in situations like that.

Booboostwo Fri 26-Apr-19 18:00:29

What is the girl’s behaviour like now? Has she learnt from her awful behaviour two years ago? Is she genuinely remorseful? If she is a different person, it would be really counterintuitive for the past behaviour to continue having negative consequences. She is a child who made an awful mistake that resulted in substantial harm to another, innocent child, but if she has faced up to this mistake it should not rule her entire school career.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Fri 26-Apr-19 18:05:26

I went to a teacher training session once where the trainer suggested cosying up to the queen bee to make others fall in line. I actually felt sick. What does this teach kids about their roles in the world and who are we encouraging in positions of power and influence? Fubar!!!

BackInTime Fri 26-Apr-19 18:11:37

Students who have behave in this way should be excluded from being Head Girl or Boy. What kind of message does this send to bullies and their victims? Also what kind of message does is send to other students, that are kind and well behaved but go unnoticed and never get picked for these things.

NormHonal Fri 26-Apr-19 18:19:44

My DC’s bully was allowed to stay on in a similar position of responsibility in spite of being punished repeatedly for poor treatment of others.

I made my feelings known. Not a lot changed.

Sadly it’s very much a school where the Queen Bees are allowed to flourish at the expense of others, and it makes the lives of other children miserable.

bellinisurge Fri 26-Apr-19 18:20:22

I'd be annoyed. A little bit of me would want to fast forward to 35 years later and see what a shocking mess they made of their lives. As I am in my 50s, I can actually do that about some queen bee types I knew at school. But this is of little comfort when you are in the middle of it.
The school has fucked up.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 18:20:30

The bully and their entourage did stop the bullying but they still swagger around the school like they own it. Bully has made racist comments in the past and has a superiority attitude and whilst I have had little to do with them since it happened I can’t imagine they have completely changed.

Sindragosan Fri 26-Apr-19 18:29:59

I understand on a personal level that it hurts, but it is a good life lesson if you want to call it that, that not everyone in a position of power is a good person.

I had a sheltered life and was then massively shocked when I went to university and one of the senior lecturers was a massive racist, misogynist bully. Same when I started work, majority of the senior management team were real arseholes.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 18:47:19

That is very wise Sindragosan

coldshins Sat 27-Apr-19 01:19:38

It's not too late to involve the police if that's what your daughter wants. It's never too late.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »