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To resent my inlaws

(122 Posts)
Panda98 Fri 26-Apr-19 12:24:05

Sorry this is going to be a very long one full of spelling and grammar mistakes. It's also an in law bashing thread. Hope I don't come across as entitled.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents and my dh divorced parents who are both married). All live a similar distance away which is roughly 60 miles (that takes hour and a half in the car depending on traffic).

My parents visit every 2 weeks and are really helpful. We can't drive so they will take us to appointments and take me to aldi. They look after dc to give us a break. They make their own cup of tea while here and ours too. They help with cooking and even around the house.

My DH's mother is a manipulative, controlling narcissist who will guilt, bribe and lie to get what she wants. She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children. Definitely the controller and engulger and critic from toxic inlaws book. She couldn't be trusted to have the dc unsupervised (due to emotional incest). She visits every few months if that. She is retiring soon so that may change. She wants us to visit her and spend a few nights in her house especially at Christmas. She wants it on her turf so she can boss us around. She helps out sometimes, but lots of unsolicited advice more than useful help. Any useful help is held over our heads as a way to guilt us into doing what she wants.

My DHs father is pretty much useless and has never done anything for us, asks us to make him a cup of tea when here. He was very absent when DH's parents got divorced and he didn't pay child support for years and didn't feed dh and his siblings breakfast (before he dropped them off on a Saturday morning. He only had them on Friday night to Saturday morning. His mum feed them Friday night dinner). Now he is retired he seems to want to visit every month or so. Like him more than mil and would prefer him to visit over mil.

AIBU to resent my DH's parents? And not want them to visit so much now they are retired and bored I assume. And not want to visit mil on her turf to get bossed around/ talked to like children. Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc?

Also how often do grandparents visit you and your dc. How many sets of grandparents do you have? How far away do they live? How helpful are they? Any resentment etc?

Thanks to anyone who read all that.

NoSauce Fri 26-Apr-19 12:29:14

If they’re as bad as you say they are then you are obviously not being unreasonable.
Send DH on his own maybe, you don’t have to go.

Birdie6 Fri 26-Apr-19 12:40:26

She visits every few months if that

So you only see MIL a few times a year ? If you dislike her that much, what is the problem ?

You seem to be expecting a lot of help, to be honest. Why do you need to be taken shopping by your parents ?

I'd suggest that one or both of you should learn to drive, then you'd be more independent. You are parents now - I don't personally think that anyone should expect their parents to keep taking care of them once they have their own children.

cliquewhyohwhy Fri 26-Apr-19 12:40:36

What does your partner think about them?

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 12:45:44

What your parents do is rather a lot by any standard. They cook, drive, babysit and other stuff... wow!! and I suspect you’re judging your dh’s against your own.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 12:46:41

If they live 60 miles away but neither of you drive - how do you get there?

woolduvet Fri 26-Apr-19 12:47:45

The 'help' provided by your parents is too extreme. I'd be expecting you to just have moved out as a teenager for that level of help.
I don't expect any visitors to cook or make a brew, if they offer that's lovely.

bibbitybobbityyhat Fri 26-Apr-19 12:49:25

Why do you and your partner need so much help from older adults? Are there special circumstances that you haven't given us?

Barbarafromblackpool Fri 26-Apr-19 12:53:02

Posters are going to tell you off for having help from your parents! Though you they shouldn't help you I don't know...
Does your partner find his parents difficult?

Zillaindie Fri 26-Apr-19 12:55:48

We have 3 sets of grandparents.
Similar issues.
My mum is the only person we have to help with DTs despite living over an hour away. She comes once a month and stays 4-5 days. We get a night off and help with shopping and appointments.

MIL lives 10 minutes away and comes once a week. Whilst here she sits on the sofa watching the kids destroy everything and each other without intervening, as well as criticising how clean the house is.

FIL comes every few weeks. Literally claps at the babies whilst singing their names continually and then leaves after having a brew.

I let DH deal with his parents now. Visits are arranged when he is home and I go out.
I think a lot of it is to do with the parent/son dynamic and how close you can be to your mum compared to someone else.
If my mum told me my house was untidy, I would laugh and she would help me clean it. MIL tells me and I feel she is having a dig and cant trust her to watch the kids whilst I see to it.

Gilbert1A Fri 26-Apr-19 13:00:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Panda98 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:02:17

I don't expect help, they offer. I used to do all the food shopping with tesco delivery and my parents just offered to take me to aldi and they do their shopping while there. By help cooking it's more at Christmas with big meals. By help around house it's more DIY etc. Like they painted the nursery when I was pregnant, they offered I didn't ask. To get to Mils we take public transport but the bus and train journey takes about 3 hours because mil lives in a small town. It's that inlaws offer no help, I wouldn't go to someone's house with a small toddler and asl them to make me tea. And it's that mil is a manipulative narc who couldn't be trusted with the dc.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:04:37

*wouldn't go to someone's house with a small toddler and asl them to make me tea*

Oh come on. She visits once every few months. You couldn’t make her lunch because you have a toddler.

Woman up.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:05:35

And your partner needs to man up.

Seriously. You sound as though you are used to be very supportive and practically involved parents and are very put out that you don’t have the same from DH’s

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:06:18

And if your dh’s childhood experience with his father was not a positive one - then leave to your dh to deal with

Macandcheese05 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:06:32

I see MIL once a week when she comes over to have the children for 6 hours while I get some work done. shes amazing.

I see my parents about once a week roughly for a few hours for lunch or shopping but thats while my DC are at nursery. They see my DC roughly once a month and barely speak to them. Theyre useless and they dont really give a shit about my DC. Every now and then they will ask to have them for a few hours if someone is over they want to impress. I say no we are busy that day (only ever the day and time their guest is coming so they dont offer an alternative), they say ok.

Panda98 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:08:03

Gilbert1A
Emotional incest is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child or grandchild for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult. Telling them inappropriate things. Using it to gain their trust to manipulate them etc. My Mil used dh as a substitute husband after the divorce and told him inappropriate financial matters. Others can probably offer a better explanation

Gilbert1A Fri 26-Apr-19 13:08:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Macandcheese05 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:08:55

oh and MIL lives 30 mins away, my parents live 5 mins away. my parents moved to be closer to us. so on the outside it looks like they help and care. however they dont.

i was sick one day last year and asked retired DM to pick up my kids from nursery. 10 mins from her house and she drives. she said no as she doesnt like going out in rush hour school traffic

Gilbert1A Fri 26-Apr-19 13:10:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Panda98 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:11:27

Romax I wouldn't expect it no. And the major problem is that he didn't give a shit about dh and my dc until he is suddenly retired and bored now. He didn't even feed them breakfast or pay child support ffs. And it's that mother is a toxic manipulative narcissist

NoSauce Fri 26-Apr-19 13:12:55

If you’re certain they are what you say they are then cut them off. You don’t need validation from strangers on the internet who only have a one sided tale.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:13:19

It sounds awful, which begs the question - why isn’t your dh ending the visits?

PastaOfMuppets Fri 26-Apr-19 13:13:57

What on earth is emotional incest?

Your ILs sound annoying, but you sound annoyingly dependent on your own parents, even though you're now trying to backtrack and minimise it.

juneau Fri 26-Apr-19 13:14:17

It sounds like you're making a lot of fuss about nothing tbh. Your MIL visits every few months and your FIL once a month and you have a problem with making them a cuppa in your own home? I've seen some silly AIBUs over the years and this is right up there. If you don't want to go for Christmas, don't. It's an invitation, not a summons.

And your parents really drive 60 miles to go to Aldi, just so they can take you? Bloody hell. Isn't there one closer? Don't you have taxis in your town? You sound unnaturally dependent on your parents - time to start being a bit more independent and perhaps learning to drive yourself.

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