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Father of my children does not want to marry me!

(651 Posts)
Jessil91 Fri 26-Apr-19 00:55:22

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

GrimDamnFanjo Fri 26-Apr-19 00:58:42

Why doesn't he want to get married?

TapasForTwo Fri 26-Apr-19 01:00:58

I hope you aren't financially dependent on him.

NaomifromMilkshake Fri 26-Apr-19 01:03:22

Personally, having been taken for a mug in my early twenties by someone, I had the marriage conversation with DH very early on.

You know what they say about the word assume.

NaomifromMilkshake Fri 26-Apr-19 01:04:14

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but do not overreact, sit back, think and plan.

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood Fri 26-Apr-19 01:05:02

A little missing the point but I'm mildly astounded you've got 10 years behind you and it's only just come up! grin Had the subject of marriage seriously Never been broached, even theoretically? Unusual for his feelings to be a complete shock at this stage really..?

KC225 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:06:40

You say you have only discovered this within the last few days, had he led you to believe that you would marry?

goldenchicken Fri 26-Apr-19 01:06:51

@Jessiel91

Oh dear. I am sorry OP. Very often when a man says he does not believe in marriage, it's not true. He just doesn't want to be married to you.

Too late now, but I would never have had children with a man who didn't believe in marriage...'

I bet your kids have his surname right?

No suggestions sorry, as nothing will make him change. He has you where he wants you. He can escape and not owe you a thing if he wishes.

My condolences... sad flowers

Gratefulbeyond103 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:09:08

So you made an assumption given you had children? Why didnt this come up or you ask him before you went down this route?

Gettingthroughthedays Fri 26-Apr-19 01:10:19

You're not being silly at all. My partner did not want to get married (after a child together) because he said it wasn't important. But it was to me.

I hope I don't hurt you with saying this but my DP was making excuses because he wasn't happy. We eventually got back together and I told him in no uncertain terms if we weren't going towards marriage he was not moving back in. If you can commit to a child and a home you can commit to legalising it.

He actually gained some respect and we were engaged soon after. It was actually me who put the wedding off.

I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't respect/love you...I just think people become complacent. Only you know how much this means to you and if he refuses to listen you might need to rethink if this is the best thing for you.

steff13 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:14:31

Make sure you do everything possible to protect yourself financially.

BIWI Fri 26-Apr-19 01:17:33

If marriage is so important to you then a) why didn't you talk about this years ago? And b) why do you have children with him before the marriage? TBH I'm not surprised he's offended now!

But as other PP have said, it's now really important that you make sure you're protected financially, as it looks like you're not going to have the protection that marriage confers.

Bubs101 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:27:02

I have a friend who was with her ex for about 6 years and she had a child by him, she used to talk to me about she kept asking about marriage and he just said it didn't mean much to him and that it was just a piece of paper, and how their DC was more of a commitment. In the end, he left her, took the house, and because she was a SAHM she was left with nothing from the life the had both built. And to top it all off, she found out through a friend that he's engaged to his new partner and they've been together less than 2 years. My friend was devastated, to say the least, as she felt their whole relationship was a lie. Trust me when I say when a man says he doesn't want to marry, it means he doesn't want to marry you. I know it's harsh but its the reality of these situations.

viques Fri 26-Apr-19 01:27:22

How would he feel about a civil partnership which would give you and your children the same security?

M3lon Fri 26-Apr-19 01:27:27

Marriage is a somewhat random and more than a little misogynistic legal institution. Its okay to not want anything to do with it and it doesn't mean you aren't serious about a relationship.

Once civil partnerships are open to all, I think me and DH will likely divorce and get one....

Sculpin Fri 26-Apr-19 01:29:43

I would feel the same as you OP - marriage is important to me.

As others have said, the key thing at this point is to make sure you’re not financially dependent on him, as you’ll be vulnerable without the protection of marriage if you ever split up. Do you work full time? Don’t become a SAHM or go part time without getting married first.

goldenchicken Fri 26-Apr-19 01:30:07

@M3lon

Once civil partnerships are open to all, I think me and DH will likely divorce and get one.

Jesus wept......

Just when I thought I had read everything!

WhyTho Fri 26-Apr-19 01:30:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 26-Apr-19 01:35:03

Do you work? Do you own your home? What happens if the relationship breaks up?

RainbowMum11 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:37:02

Its more about protection if you have DC and (invariably) the woman gives up her career , or at least severely hampers her long term prospects by going part time - generally the man gets to keep his career, job prospects & pension while the woman gives it up, at least for awhile, to take up the Primary care giver role.
If you aren't married, the women takes a massive long term hit to not only her career potential but also for the rest of her life, into retirement.

Disappearedtothe80s Fri 26-Apr-19 01:37:51

I am not trying to be rude, but don't you have these conservations before children? Not 10 years down the line...

Look at the end of the day OP you can't drag him up the aisle. And if you have been together for 10 years is there any point?

That said, could you compromise on say a registry office wedding in a civil partnership? Instead of the full blown church service, fancy reception etc

I have never been a great believer in marriage, never pushed the subject but DH did propose after nearly seven years together and did accept for the sake of financial security as we were planning for a family. DH pressurised me into a church ceremony because of his over-religious parents which I regret big time.

Disappearedtothe80s Fri 26-Apr-19 01:38:46

Mean civil ceremony..

managedmis Fri 26-Apr-19 01:42:36

What everyone else said.

If you are financially reliant on him you need to change this.

GummyGoddess Fri 26-Apr-19 01:43:18

Well if it doesn't mean anything to him then a quick trip to the registry office won't be a huge problem since it means something to you.

Rachelle11 Fri 26-Apr-19 01:47:43

I'm too a little surprised that this discussion is being had after 2 kids and 10 years... I'm sure he's thrown by your reaction.

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