This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
AIBU - nanny affection towards DC(391 Posts)
First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.
I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.
Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.
However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).
It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.
Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?
If you shower DC in kisses and cuddles all the time, they probably naturally go to nanny for those things, too.
I don't think I'd say YABU exactly, but if you trust your nanny completely, well children that small who are used to lots of cuddles getting them from their nanny is no terrible thing.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Won't DC resist this in a year or so? So you don't need to do anything if you can wait.
I’ve heard it all now: “my nanny is too lovely”.
Sorry - on rereading that came across as harsher than I intended, OP, and I apologise for that. But in your shoes I’d be embracing the fact I’d found a nanny who clearly adores my child and cares for them well.
I think it is lovely. I understand your jealousy but it is normal when they are so young.
I’m a Nanny, I’m guessing she is doing at least 50 hours a week for you - 10 hours a day, 5 days a week?
She spends more time with your little one then she does anyone else - they have a close little bond, it however doesn’t replace your bond with your child and she knows that. It’s a really good thing your child is loved by someone outside the family - it takes a Village to raise a child and all that....I wouldn’t upset the Apple cart because deep down I suspect your actually jealous.
By all means tell her not to do that with your child as you say your paying her but don’t expect her to be happy about it as it obviously comes naturally to her.
If your child was saying no and she was still doing it, yes you could say something but I don’t think you can considering she isn’t doing anything wrong
She their main carer. It’s would be a bit sad for your child if the nanny wasn’t affectionate.
Your post is worrying, but the worrying part is the way you describe the situation, not the situation itself. Fondling, massaging, cuddling and kissing... You're trying to sexualise normal behaviour to justify your position.
There's nothing wrong with a nanny rubbing a child's feet or ruffling their hair. A kiss on the head is absolutely fine. Look how different it is when put into normal language.
If you want to dictate every interaction with your child then you need to provide the care yourself. It sounds like you have an excellent nanny who is nurturing your child's development.
It's jealousy on your part and if you care about your kids you should rein it back and be grateful they have a good nanny.
Does it or could it damage your DC?
I think not and if this is more about jealousy on your part then you should leave it.
My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously.
Jassy, I didn’t say I only wanted her to give affection when I was around. What I am saying is, from what I have seen, it feels a bit OTT. I think we would all accept there is a limit to how physically affectionate people should be with other people’s DC - would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example? The question is where is the line. That’s all.
YABU - surely this is why you have a nanny to love and care for your child.. Don't you want a Nanny to show your child love and affection.
If you are uncomfortable you should terminate the contract - because telling her that you don't want her to do that is just odd.
I don't think nanny's doing anything wrong, but I do understand it feeling weird for you to see her interacting with your DC and that manifesting as worrying something's wrong. But it's not from what I can see here.
If you're implying you think there is something untoward going on you should get rid of her instantly. Asking her to be less affectionate won't change anything.
If this is just you being jealous. Yabvu. So unreasonable. Could you spend that much time with a child and not feel a parent/child relationship of some sorts?
You are jealous of a woman you have employed showing your toddler love?
I'm sorry you're not happy with the close bond you've observed.
Listen to BaggyPants and everyone else.
Are you jealous or worried that your DD might prefer the nanny?
would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example?
She's not doing that, so why mention it?
A child shouldn't have to seek out affection, if it's not given naturally that would be far more of a concern.
I get it.
I have had similar.
Try and think of it as the Nanny as just one more person who loves your child.
Cant have too much love.
Perhaps she chose to Nanny because she really does love children.
This secure attachment will benefit your children their whole lives.
<waits for OP to say oh but she DOES>
Please login first.