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AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

(391 Posts)
GallopingFox Thu 25-Apr-19 18:50:32

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 06:36:18

sandy I find it hard to believe that your DCs childminder wasn't Ofsted regulated if they are only now teenagers. They've had to have been regulated for a while!

Obviously you are very pro nurseries, which is absolutely fine, we all do our own studies on regards to what works best for children.
But your points aren't coming across very nice.
You're basically saying ALL the nannies and childminders you know are crap at grammar? This may be true, but it comes across very mean and like you're having a little dig. A lots of the nannies and childminders that I know are degree educated. I take very good care to teach my charges as well as I think. I help with homework etc...
Also, the children mix with LOTS of different backgrounds. We frequent the library, park, zoo, farms to name a few, and the children are always mixing and chatting with other children.
Children only play alongside each other until about 3 anyway.

MsTSwift Fri 26-Apr-19 06:40:13

Remember reading a really long in depth thoughtful article on this a few years ago - the taboo about the love nannies can feel for their charges. Some give sole care for very long hours to tiny children from 3 months for some the bond is very strong.

No skin in the game as was sahm when kids tiny but my understanding from friends research is that an excellent nanny in the home is the best option for babies and toddlers if you can afford it. Everyone I knew who could afford it went for that option

NewMum19344567 Fri 26-Apr-19 06:40:32

If you were to get rid of your nanny and chose someone who wasn't loving but saw being a nanny as a profession rather than enjoying being around a child, you would have more problems and your child would not be as happy.

Also if you tell your nanny not to cuddle your child you will either upset your child or cause tension with your nanny.

MissB83 Fri 26-Apr-19 06:43:35

YABU. My little boy is at nursery two days a week and it makes me so happy that the ladies there scoop him up for a cuddle as soon as he arrives as it's just like the affection he gets at home. Makes him settle easier.

youknowmedontyou Fri 26-Apr-19 07:08:48

What I would do in any circumstance where I employed someone to care for my DC (or for parents being looked after by carers) is to fit cameras in my home and access them on my mobile phone in real time to ensure my child(ren)/parents were being cared for appropriately.

Is this allowed, I understand the reasoning but to be watched would be a bit OTT? Or maybe I'm wrong?

What @NoBaggyPants says is correct, IMO.

Oceanbliss Fri 26-Apr-19 07:13:11

*GallopingFox
'My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously.' (From earlier in the thread).*

GallopingFox this is actually a good thing and is appropriate for age and stage of development. As long as the child's body autonomy is respected, kissing is not on the lips, and your nanny isn't passing on infectious illness or disease then you have nothing to worry about. I worked in nursery (not in the UK) we were physically affectionate with the children. It's important for their development. And they shouldn't be deprived of physical affection throughout the entire day until their parents finish work. It also shouldn't be one sided where the child had to initiate it all the time, it needs to be mutual. Child needs to know that this person cares about me. It needs to be respectful of the child's cues. If they pull away or show discomfort, disinterest, then respect that and refrain from cuddling etc. If you have any reason to believe that your child is uncomfortable, distressed then intervene on their behalf. It is not unprofessional for a nanny to show appropriate affection and to create a relaxed atmosphere for the child/ren in their care.

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 07:15:25

youknowme
It isn't allowed secretly..but if they inform you they are filming you then it's ok.
I can see why people might want to do it. It does make me feel a bit comfortable, the thought of secretly being watched, but this is nothing to do with the way I care for the children... it's because the thought of them watching me eat/ eat my secret stash of chocolate when the children nap haha.

youknowmedontyou Fri 26-Apr-19 07:32:00

Thanks @Noonooyou yes that wold be me too but with crisps instead! 😂

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Fri 26-Apr-19 08:01:26

Of course she's affectionate with your child, she looks after him full time. If you don't like the fact he's affectionate with someone other than you, then don't employ a nanny and look after your child yourself as most parents do. Sorry if that comes across harsh, but that's the way I feel about it.

MoistMolly Fri 26-Apr-19 08:09:40

Go with your gut op!

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 08:10:36

moistmolly what are you insinuating? The nanny isn't doing anything wrong. If the op isn't happy about their child having a bond with someone else then they should choose alternative care

Dontforgetyourbrolly Fri 26-Apr-19 08:17:50

My ds was in nursery from the age of 1 and the staff there were just like this . I was really happy he was getting love and cuddles as he was only a baby and contrary to opinions on here, most people have to work . Yes they do.
He's 5 now and at school but for the years he was at nursery I was very happy with this level of affection .
I think there is a phrase for child care givers which is ' in loco parentis ' which basically means, stepping in on behalf of the parents.
However if you are not happy op it's your call.
You asked for opinions and personally I think it's normal and a good thing.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 08:19:25

"Remember reading a really long in depth thoughtful article on this a few years ago - the taboo about the love nannies can feel for their charges. Some give sole care for very long hours to tiny children from 3 months for some the bond is very strong."

There's interesting stuff in the book Global Women about nannies from poor countries moving to rich ones, giving all their love to other people's children while they've left their own children with grandparents.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 08:22:10

"If the op isn't happy about their child having a bond with someone else then they should choose alternative care"

The child's welfare doesn't come into it then? Not to mention that people shouldn't be sacked if they haven't done anything wrong.

Buddytheelf85 Fri 26-Apr-19 08:23:31

I don’t think you’re batshit crazy, but as you’ve said you have zero concerns about your child’s welfare and it doesn’t sound like the behaviour is objectively inappropriate, I think you have to recognise that this is coming from within you - it’s your issue and you need to figure out how to resolve it. It sounds like jealousy born of the guilt all working parents wrestle with, which is totally normal and really, really hard. But honestly - would you feel any less guilty and jealous if you asked the nanny to be less affectionate? I don’t think you would. You chose this kind of childcare for the intimacy and one-to-one setting so I think you’d actually feel much worse if you asked the nanny to reign it in.

RockinHippy Fri 26-Apr-19 08:36:21

The only thing wrong here is your jealousy. Be grateful that you have a lovely Nanny & DC isn't missing out due to your needing to work

Anothertempusername Fri 26-Apr-19 08:43:34

If you "chose to have a nanny so my kids would get live and affection" as you said upthread, let the nanny give love and affection? Very simple. Just park your pride. It's about your kids not how you feel.

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 08:49:09

gwenhwyfar of course I think the child's welfare should come in to it. Have a read of my previous posts and I think it's fairly clear which side I'm on. What I am saying is, the op obviously isn't happy with her child having a close bond with someone else, it is her issue. Not the nannies or the child's.
And of course I know the legalities surround sacking. The op wouldn't be allowed to sack her nanny for no reason, she can however, make her nanny redundant IF she chooses another form of childcare, because the role of nanny would become redundant.

ScrewyMcScrewup Fri 26-Apr-19 08:58:59

noonooyou She can sack the nanny for any reason or no reason at all, except discriminatory reasons. She would not have to make the position redundant.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 10:17:55

"She can sack the nanny for any reason or no reason at all, except discriminatory reasons."

Don't nannies have the same employment rights as other employees? As long as they're not working undeclared.

BossAssBitch Fri 26-Apr-19 10:20:15

YAB SO U

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 10:23:59

screwy really? That seems really unfair. I'm not saying you're wrong by the way. Is this true in all jobs then?

Noonooyou Fri 26-Apr-19 10:25:21

If it's true in all jobs then fair enough. But if this wouldn't happen in other jobs then it shouldn't happen in my job either. I think people forget that this is our career, it's not just a hobby. This is how we pay our bills and the parents are an employer and shouldn't be dismissing unfairly..

peppaisannoying Fri 26-Apr-19 10:48:16

YABU. Why aren't you happy that your Nanny clearly cares hugely about your dc?

I'd be so pleased that she didn't just see my child as a pay cheque and that she genuinely cares for them. Christ I've heard it all now!

youknowmedontyou Fri 26-Apr-19 10:54:44

If it's true in all jobs then fair enough. But if this wouldn't happen in other jobs then it shouldn't happen in my job either. I think people forget that this is our career, it's not just a hobby. This is how we pay our bills and the parents are an employer and shouldn't be dismissing unfairly..

^^this

StroppyWoman Fri 26-Apr-19 11:53:31

Another of the many voices saying your nanny sounds fantastic and it's only your insecurities/jealousies that are a problem.

Your child is happy, healthy and loved. Sounds a win to me.

kaytee87 Fri 26-Apr-19 12:00:03

Your Nanny sounds lovely, you sound jealous.
I can't believe you'd consider asking your child's primary caregiver to restrict the affection they show your toddler just to ease your insecurities.

Aldicheckoutworkout Fri 26-Apr-19 12:43:28

On a separate note my DDs nursery once called me to ask if they could apply sun cream on a hot day. I missed the call so they didn't but put a jacket on her instead. I'm not sure if this was due to allergies/reaction or physical contact.

kaytee87 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:02:27

@Aldicheckoutworkout they'd be worried about allergies. Nurseries change nappies etc without express permission as part of caring for a child. They don't need permission for physical contact. You've given it by having your child there in the first place.

Redskyatnight88 Fri 26-Apr-19 13:08:19

Oh my goodness, YABVU. What's the alternative that your DC is only given restricted affection? What do you think is the most likely to cause any damage / problems. I don't want to be harsh, but I doubt that this is a real post, a parent being concerned about their child receiving affection from someone they are paying to spend a lot of time with them 🤔 Just doesn't add up to me.

curiouscatgotkilled Fri 26-Apr-19 13:16:17

Two year olds are so cuddly and squishy and if you care for that child of course you spend some time being physicaly affectionate towards them.
Having said that, with my first child I think I would have been funny about it, probably jealous! but im on my third and I would now be pleased that they have another person in their life to provide them with affection.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 13:36:55

The sun cream thing is allergies according to our nursery. They do ask us to send them in with it on already on sunny days, and then check their own stuff is suitable for reapplication when needed.

SnakesBarmitzvah Fri 26-Apr-19 16:10:11

Your post is worrying, but the worrying part is the way you describe the situation, not the situation itself. Fondling, massaging, cuddling and kissing... You're trying to sexualise normal behaviour to justify your position.

Dont listen to this, @NoBaggyPants is reaching!!

But you are just feeling a pang of jealousy because it's your DC. Don't say anything, as PP said, your child will resist eventually and it'll naturally dwindle down. If you mention it, Nanny will feel super awkward and change her behaviour, possibly becoming a bit cold towards DC which would upset them and make them think they've done something wrong.

I agree with this:
Try and think of it as the Nanny as just one more person who loves your child. Cant have too much love. Perhaps she chose to Nanny because she really does love children.

Roo3125 Fri 26-Apr-19 16:25:57

You're paying someone to bring up your child. It's generally not the 'norm' to have a nanny, so to ask if it's normal for them to be affectionate to your child is a bit unreasonable of you.

It must be difficult to see someone else bring up your child whilst you work, but that's ultimately the path you have chosen and the decision which you have made.

I cuddle, kiss and love my nieces and nephews. I presume that the nanny is spending a lot of time (probably 40-50 hours a week) with your child? That's a lot of time to spend with a baby and she's seen your DC grow up. Your DC will have formed a bond with her, as will your nanny have formed a bond with your DC. They have a relationship which is separate from you.

Never watched The Help? Don't be that person.

mel71 Fri 26-Apr-19 17:30:35

You and your children are very, very lucky.
Have a look at theory on the importance of touch and affection.
The more loving relationships in a child's life the better.
She sounds like gold dust. Hang onto her.

Acis Fri 26-Apr-19 17:35:56

My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection

How do you know? If you're normally very affectionate and cuddly with your child, the chances are that this originated in him expecting the same from the nanny and seeking it out.

Queenprawn Fri 26-Apr-19 17:40:57

I don’t consider your feelings unreasonable at all. I’m guessing all those saying you are being very unreasonable have never had to deal with this themselves.

I’m my eyes a hair tussle, hug if they are hurt or upset is one thing. But massaging & constantly seeking cuddles? That’s more about her want for affection than the child’s. If the child approaches her for physical contact, as they do if they feel close, then I don’t see an issue. But if it’s instigated by her, then I’d be a little upset at the overstepping of the mark. She’s there to look after your daughter, feed, play, entertain, but you are the one who decides the boundaries, not her.

Now that the bond is established, what happened if she suddenly leaves? Has her own child, that’s going to be difficult for rite child to understand that she was an employee & was only there being physically affectionate because she was being paid.

I’m afraid I think this person has just done what comes naturally, rather than discussed boundaries with you her employer.

It might be worth having a very calm & honest chat about her seeking the affection & how it makes you feel.

mozzarella22 Fri 26-Apr-19 17:42:07

OP, I'm wondering if you have a problem with that level of affection for yourself. Perhaps you weren't shown that type of affection yourself as a child, and don't enjoy it as an adult? Is your nanny from a culture that expresses more physical affection than your culture perhaps?

I think it's important you shared your concerns but I personally think it's simply the nanny having a different nurturing style to yourself. I personally wouldn't worry.

DeniseRoyal Fri 26-Apr-19 17:42:44

YABU, She has a bond with your DC, is that not what you want? Or would you prefer a nanny who is cold and distant?? 🤔

MouseRatFan Fri 26-Apr-19 17:45:11

The nanny sounds brilliant.

Niquitic Fri 26-Apr-19 17:45:55

On the flip side, at least you dont have a nanny who is so enmeshed in her former charges' lives that she constantly refers to them, remembers stories about them out loud to your DC & calls your DC 'Boy!' , 'Girl' ...(no, she did not stay with us long!)

BlingLoving Fri 26-Apr-19 17:46:31

DD has similar colouring to her nanny and they adore each other. they get mistaken for mum and child sometimes. They cuddle and play and hug all the time. DD's dismay if her nanny isn't working is heartbreaking to see. But it's a sign that the relationship is working out.

I once spotted the two of them walking down the street as I drove past. Holding hands, DD was skipping along chatting away and for just a second my heart felt like a spike went through it... and then a second later I just felt such happiness that she ws so obviously happy and loved even when I'm not around.

ursula2468 Fri 26-Apr-19 17:47:23

YABU

I was a highly experienced nanny and was sacked once for a very similar thing. The parents spoke a different language and I successfully helped their youngest child conquer some English homework. The child's teacher sung my praises to the parents and this signed my death warrant. I was sacked for "getting too close" to the child.
Any nanny worth their salt knows that the parent/s is/are a child's number one, but in the absence of that then the nanny steps up as a temporary mother/father figure. If you are uncomfortable with this then I would suggest you rethink your child care arrangements/career. You cannot have it all, but this isn't about your needs it's about what's best for your child.

Bugbabe1970 Fri 26-Apr-19 17:48:08

Yes yabu
Are you jealous?
I used to be a nanny
This is quite normal
You should be happy she’s affectionate

Wills Fri 26-Apr-19 17:50:48

@gallopingfox I'm really hoping you're still reading this thread. My mum told me that she hired a nanny for me before I went to school. Like you she felt jealous of the nanny's relationship with me and ended up firing her (and others). She still believes this is a standard feeling and warned me that I would feel it too. I have 4 kids, 2 of which had full time nannies until I became a SAHM. I left my job, something I loved, because the first Nanny I had favoured one of my children over the other. In fact she positively disliked my eldest who turned out to be on the autism spectrum. Since then I've had various people help me and love my children. I have never felt jealousy at any of them, rather I've always felt relief that my children are surrounded by loving people. Meanwhile my mother is what we, her children, would call 'controlling/Needy'. Please go and chat to someone about this - fix it now, not for your child, but for you. That or (slightly tongue in cheek), have 4 kids because believe me its wonderful when someone steps in a provides love to the others so you can focus on one (or yourself)! Take care of yourself though. xx

kezibear Fri 26-Apr-19 17:51:37

I actually wonder if it's the other way round and she is showing them extra affection because you are there to make her look more attentive. Either way if you are uncomfortable with the contact you are fully within your rights to ask her to limit contact. However if the kids are happy and you are not concerned for their welfare I'd let them crack on.

jinglet Fri 26-Apr-19 17:54:27

OP, you are being vvvvvvvvvvvv unreasonable and very possibly a little jealous. The reason your DC isn't clingy is because they're getting lots of TLC from all angles. If you've no other concerns about the Nanny's behaviour/conduct, then back off. Alternatively, please let me have her contact details so I can employ her. I'm struggling to find a nanny that ticks all the boxes :/

Sedat Fri 26-Apr-19 17:58:22

What would you prefer, your nanny shouting NO!! All of the time, showing no affection at all?. Or being the way she is.She is a caring nanny. Be thankful,she is showing her true self. I have seen posts on social media, where the nannies, beat and scold the child, for being themselves. Be grateful that you have such a nanny.

ToftyAC Fri 26-Apr-19 17:59:38

Sorry OP. I can understand why you feel as you do, but kids need plenty of kisses, cuddles and all the rest of it. My DS2 goes to nursery and he gets that sort of love there. So you are being a bit unreasonable imo.

perfectstorm Fri 26-Apr-19 18:01:05

I've had to use someone as a nanny this year because I've been seriously ill and in treatment. And we were lucky enough to have DD's nursery key worker, whom she adores.

There is huge love and affection there. To me, it's a golden bonus. You can buy safe, competent, nurturing and stimulating childcare. You cannot buy love. No child ever suffered from too many people loving them, and at the age of two, that love being physical affection is absolutely essential to healthy and secure development, surely? The only issue would be if it was affection for the benefit of the adult and not welcomed by the child. But my DD gets love and cuddles and nurture from her nanny and it makes me happier than I can tell you, seeing that.

Again: you can't pay someone to love your child. If you've struck gold, and they do, I'd be thankful. I AM thankful.

sobby Fri 26-Apr-19 18:02:03

I really am shocked at this post, when you go to work and leave your children with someone who steps into your role of looking after your precious children then you should be absolutely thrilled that they love them and look after them so well. In my time I've seen some awful nannies with their charges and your baby seems perfect. If she was cold towards your DC she would be slated for that too.

Be glad that you found a wonderful nanny and embrace the fact she responds to all their needs..

What well adjusted children you will have.

thethoughtfox Fri 26-Apr-19 18:03:34

I suspect the issue is that as you are at home ill at the moment, your children and nanny are carrying on as normal and your children are turning to her for help, support and affection instead of you. I understand that this would hurt.

Beautga Fri 26-Apr-19 18:09:31

The answer in your own hand Stop farming your child out and bring her up yourself.Are you working because you need to or for yourself for luxuries you could do without.You can't have your cake and eat it

Arscal Fri 26-Apr-19 18:14:37

My decision on nursery was made when I saw one of the staff rocking and cuddling one of the babies the way I would one of mine at home. I loved the thought of my children getting a lovely cuddle when I was away at work.
So sorry, another one saying YANU. I think you are lucky to have found a loving, caring nanny.

TigerTooth Fri 26-Apr-19 18:15:47

I don't think the nanny is doing anything wrong, she sounds perfect but if I were in your shoes I would be jealous to witness the bond.
My mother was full time carer to all of mine whilst I worked so it didn't bother me that they adored her, but I wouldn't have been able to control the green eyed monster if it hadn't been my mum they adored.
All you can do is remember that they are happy and its you who are mummy forever.

Captaindinosaur56 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:16:34

Seriously? Get a grip. I would be thrilled that my children have a lovely affectionate nanny. What a bloody stupid problem to have. I suppose you’ve also noticed this because you’re around them all the time, go away. The last thing a nanny needs is the parents circling her all day as it gets in they way of her job. Go get busy with something else and stop being bloody ridiculous.

Fowles94 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:17:48

If you work in any care work you are untimately their friend/family. You are spending time with this individual whilst others are not. The whole point of a nanny is hes nurtured when you are unavailable.

Nearly47 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:18:37

I think you are understandably jealous but be grateful she cares so much about your child. Young children benefit for this kind of affection. They will grow attached to the nanny and all miss them if they go. That's the pro/con of having a nanny depending on how you see it.

Jessie94 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:19:16

Hi, I'm a nanny.
This is the way a lot of us work. We love our careers and we love the families we work with.
I think it's fantastic that your nanny hasn't changed the way she works just because you're around more at the moment.

It's also fantastic that she just automatically shows your child so much affection without then having to seek it out or ask for it.
There are many studies that show the more physical appropriate affection a child had, the bigger their brain physically grows.

If you're at home a lot, why not get involved a little more? Or give the nanny a half day so you and your child can have some special one on one time?

TigerTooth Fri 26-Apr-19 18:20:33

Beautga Fri 26-Apr-19 18:09:31
The answer in your own hand Stop farming your child out and bring her up yourself.Are you working because you need to or for yourself for luxuries you could do without.You can't have your cake and eat it

Why so nasty? Op has opened up her worries and displayed her vulnerabilities and you have to stick the knife in? why? There could be many many reasons why she can't stop work right now - she doesn't need your nasty little judgements on that. Perhaps you're just jealous because you've never had a career? couldn't afford a nanny?

See Op - how lucky you are? You could have a nanny with a disposition like that of Beautga!!!

Devonishome1 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:22:29

Really??????????
Your Nanny deserves to go to a family who will appreciate her. She sounds completely amazing. You on the other hand sound completely jealous of the relationship between them.

Yerazig Fri 26-Apr-19 18:26:00

I’m a nanny and I love a cuddle with the children I look after, but I generally work 50+hours with the children I look after so it just all comes naturally. You should be happy that it seems like you’ve got a lovely nanny who your child is happy with. It’s just jealously on your part, just don’t let that blindside you in harbouring these feelings against a nanny that seems great.

ssd Fri 26-Apr-19 18:31:07

Op I think you aren't taking into account how close a nanny can become to the kids they look after. It's just like any other relationship, some kids you click with and others you don't. I used to be a nanny and there was a couple of kids I really adored and I missed them when I left. Your nanny must click with your child, what a brilliant thing for both of them. Of course as mum this is hard to watch but you must remember no one will ever overtake you or become more important than you to your dc and this is the lady thing your nanny will want anyway. To her she's got a job she enjoys and that makes her happy but she leaves it at the door at home time. To you and your dc, you have someone decent and caring and treating your child well, whilst respecting you as the most important figure in her little charges life.
Have a cuppa with your nanny, you are lucky to have each other and a nice kid to share, in working hours only.

ssd Fri 26-Apr-19 18:32:38

Sorry last thing your nanny would want as above

Papersizes Fri 26-Apr-19 18:33:25

Long time reader, never posted before. I love this website, it gives a different perspective on things. And it also serves to remind me some people are just out of their minds.
Someone showing too much affection to your child, cry me a river.

ssd Fri 26-Apr-19 18:34:40

Don't be mean papersizes, the op is asking advice, no need to get snarky.

HeyNannyNanny Fri 26-Apr-19 18:35:58

Another Nanny here.
Children crave affection from the caregivers, particularly in a home setting.
So long as she isn't forcing affection onto an unwilling child, she's not doing anything wrong!

LagunaBubbles Fri 26-Apr-19 18:37:19

My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously

So what? What are you trying to imply?

HeyNannyNanny Fri 26-Apr-19 18:37:29

Oh yeah, and we get sacked for this shit a lot.

A LOT

Catsinthecupboard Fri 26-Apr-19 18:38:43

Children need affection even when parents aren't home. What a lonely, cold world your dc would have if only given cuddles by you, when you're home.

I understand your envy, but your child will not understand the loss of genuine affection if you tell your nanny to stop.

My mother was a single mother until i was about 4yo. My father told her to stop cuddling me bc i was "too big to hold." I was devastated. I hated him.

I was a sahm. I saw nannies pushing dc up the street while dc were screaming and crying and nannies continued conversation, ignoring their charges.

I rescued more than one child in the local pool bc the nanny was ignoring them and the dc recognized me from school and followed my dc and me out to deeper end.
"Hi Mrs. Cupboard!" Glug! As their little head dipped under.

Yes, i would be upset. But i stayed home bc we wanted to be our dc's carers.

Your choice but think of how she will explain sudden loss of affection. Your dc WILL notice.

Papersizes Fri 26-Apr-19 18:41:00

ssd you are right, I apologise.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 18:41:10

"If it's true in all jobs then fair enough."

It's not true in all jobs. After the probation period, you can't sack someone without good reason. However, it would be very difficult to do anything about it if you have under 2 years service. After 2 years, in most jobs, you can enforce your employment rights and take your employer to a tribunal if you're sacked without good reason.

ssd Fri 26-Apr-19 18:41:48

TBH I got sacked in the 80s for getting on too well with the little boy I nannied, me and him got on great and the parents didn't like it, when they sacked me the mum told me they were used to having a problem child who refused certain food and didn't sleep well, 3 months with me and he was eating all his foods happily and napping in the afternoon regularly. He just needed routine and kindness. They sacked me and I never understood why. I get it now.
Don't make the same mistake op.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 18:44:15

"DD has similar colouring to her nanny and they adore each other. they get mistaken for mum and child sometimes. "

The little girl my friend was looking after (and who looked similar to her) had actually told school that the nanny was her mum.

Rootvegetables Fri 26-Apr-19 18:45:28

I was a nanny before and felt genuine affection for the children I looked after so we would hold hands etc very naturally. Now I'm a mother I can imagine feeling a bit like you do but I can't think what you would really gain from saying anything. In your first post you said you know they are totally safe and well looked after so if this affection isn't making you worried about anything then I think you need to just let it go. I think you might just create an odd atmosphere as I think the nanny might be offended

Tomkinz Fri 26-Apr-19 18:48:28

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

Nikki1066 Fri 26-Apr-19 18:49:01

Wow I'm shocked at this post, you're so lucky to have found someone that loves your dc , it really smacks of jealousy on your part and if you don't want to lose this nanny I'd keep your opinions to yourself cause I guarantee you'll be looking long and hard to find a replacement as good as this one sounds. And let me just add as another poster said I'd completely re word this post as it does sound like you're trying to insinuate something untoward? if you really did think something untoward was happening well posting on here won't help it'd be the police you'd be speaking to, just saying!!

101waystoworry Fri 26-Apr-19 18:54:23

Big hugs OP, it must be really difficult to be away from your DC when you are away (I am at university so I am away a lot and totally understand). You want to feel like the main carer, which you are but your DC spends a lot of time with the nanny and will have a good bond. I don't think it it is anything to worry about but trust your instincts. X

kazillionaire Fri 26-Apr-19 18:55:49

I would much rather have a nanny who was affectionate with my children than a stand offish one, I think its a bit of the old green eyed monster coming out

pollymere Fri 26-Apr-19 18:58:54

I get the feeling that you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't have a bad gut feeling. When I learnt baby massage we were taught to ask the baby (our own) if they were ok. I think you're worry is based on her seeming to demand he sit on her lap and that she's seemingly constantly touching him, rather than him seeking out cuddles. The foot massage and lap thing seem weird to me, and I'd be uncomfortable about someone doing that, even possibly with their own child.

OP, if something is making you uncomfortable then you possibly need to change to a Nanny whose behaviour you find easier to cope with. It seems that the rest of Mumsnet would be happy to offer your current one employ and you need to consider your mental health on the issue.

ssd Fri 26-Apr-19 18:59:19

There's lots of instances that teachers get called mum, even at secondary level. Much cause for ribbing there.

Chocolateislife88 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:00:24

What is it about this dynamic that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Do you sense your DC is uncomfortable with it or that the affection is stifling him in some way? Do you worry how it may affect your DC when she eventually leaves?
Or is it bringing up a deeper personal anxiety?
If the latter maybe enquire into that a bit more. But don’t be too hard on yourself, I should imagine a lot of parents go through some emotions and uncomfortableness when witnessing their Nanny showing love and affection to their DC. But if she’s taking good care of your DC and giving them love, try and see the beauty in that smile

NataliaOsipova Fri 26-Apr-19 19:05:07

You want to feel like the main carer, which you are but your DC spends a lot of time with the nanny and will have a good bond.

I think what you have to accept- certainly with young children - that in these sort of scenarios the nanny is the main carer, because she spends a much larger percentage of the child’s waking hours with him than anyone else. Accordingly, affection is key!

EllenRipley Fri 26-Apr-19 19:06:05

YABU

🙄

MamaSharkDooDooDooDooDooDooo Fri 26-Apr-19 19:06:18

I think you're BU if I'm honest. And if I was to put myself in your shoes I would probably have asked for justification of my jealously too. There is nothing wrong with being jealous of your nanny. But the thing is... a child needs love and a second bond with their caregivers. And if your nanny is looking after your LO full time, she is going to be your LO's primary caregiver/joint primary caregiver. Which, if you're reading my message, probably makes you feel awful (as it would me!!) Personally, I couldn't have a nanny as I would hate to see the attachment (and I couldn't be a nanny as I would form an attachment and be devastated when I left the family!!) but i didn't have a trailblazing job and was happy to go part time around my husband's job. But obviously I know it isn't that way for everyone and you obviously need or want to work which is fine but it means you need to accept that your child will have an attachment with someone else. Ultimately, being a mum is tough...there is guilt, jealously and tears at every turn. And I massively feel for you, but yes you were BU to say your nanny is OTT... x

Leleophants Fri 26-Apr-19 19:10:13

I had a nanny as a child and loved her and she was affectionate,but once mum came home that's who I would run to. I was very aware who my mum was! Make sure you have lots of special time when you do see dc.

Do you feel it's inappropriate or just different to how you are with them?

dottiedodah Fri 26-Apr-19 19:16:14

As she is in close proximity with your child each day ,a natural bond develops.I actually worked in a nursery and children would often take a shine to one person in particular ,and have special one to one contact with their key worker.If as you say she is professional and good overall .I think you possibly feel a little put out which is natural really.Can you work a few less hours perhaps and have a little more time with your daughter ?.If not I think you have to accept this is part and parcel of working full time with someone else looking after your child Im afraid

Latkes Fri 26-Apr-19 19:19:15

I understand you feeling jealous. It’s hard to have to leave your child in the care of someone else and seeing the Nanny being affectionate towards your child in front of you must have made you feel a bit like your child doesn’t need you.
However as you are a tactile person your child probably needs affection when you’re not there and missed that in your absence. Your lovely Nanny recognising the need in your child has made your child feel safe and secure and happy in your absence. If you speak to her about it and withdraws her affection your DC will feel confused and rejected.
In a while your child will naturally want less cuddles and so it will sort itself out anyway. I’d try and suck it up and recognise that it’s not going to help your DC to tell her to show less affection to your DC. Xx

KimonoDragon Fri 26-Apr-19 19:28:11

I'm a foster carer and as the child's main carer this is exactly what I do. Children cannot have too much love or affection. I think it's lovely that she's so affectionate towards your child

watsmyname Fri 26-Apr-19 19:28:12

I feel sorry for your nanny although you have said you have no concerns regarding your child's welfare but are implying that she is crossing boundaries that would lead to a very immoral place. If I were this nanny and had even a suspicion that you thought I was doing what you are implying I wouldn't be hanging around.

Also have you considered that you are very affectionate and tactile with your child but you want her to do without when you aren't there purely for your own feelings. That would be hard to a child imo.

You are playing a premier for this type of childcare so possibly consider changing to a nursery where the 1:1 bond is lesser but where still get quality childcare.

EbbandTheWanderingHearts Fri 26-Apr-19 19:29:01

I was a nanny for 20+ years and always had loving, affectionate relationships with the child I cared for. However, I was careful to be tactful around parents. If the parents were around, I'd encourage the child to spend time with them whilst I got on with other things. It's natural for parents to feel a little jealous.

Personally I think the OP is getting a hard time. Swap nanny with MIL and I bet there'd be a few different replies.

nannygoat50 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:35:40

Yes you are being totally unreasonable !!! As a nanny of many years I have always cuddled and kissed my charges. Plus ruffled their hair etc . Why because I love them and care for them every day and on a daily basis that’s what you do . We do all
The horrid bits like pooey nappies, sick etc which are very personal , are you bothered about that? Or just the fact your child has a lovely relationship with the nanny. To me it means she takes her job seriously and is neutering your child into becoming a loving , well balanced adult

CL240 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:37:21

I would say that if it isn't affecting your relationship with DC & you are both still affectionate towards each other, then count it as a blessing she has someone who clearly cares so much for her.

It takes a village to raise a child & for them to be in a loving environment at all times can only be a good thing. Makes sure DC gets really quality with you when you are alone I would say.

M4J4 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:41:15

As it's occasional kisses then I don't see a problem. And the head rub/feet thing is fine too.

If she was kissing dd all the time then I could see how that could be grating, not because of anything sinister but because it can be irritating for kids to be kissed all the time.

Does dd ever push back on the affection? If the nanny was overdoing it then I think your dd would push her away.

Also, you say dd doesn't go to her for cuddles, so why are you jealous?

ShowMeTheKittens Fri 26-Apr-19 19:44:20

Small children respond to love and affection. It helps them develop and grow mentally. If you do not want someone else to take this role you need to do it yourself. You have made he love and kindness sound aberrant.
I think that is reprehensible. You need to stop being jealous and either do Nanny's job or let her do hers.

LuckyLou7 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:45:16

I loved taking my little boy to the creche at work and seeing his keyworker grab him and cuddle him and see him giggle and snuggle into her. It made me feel a tiny bit better as a working mum. It still hurts me now, that he wanted Andrea and not me, when he hurt himself. Andrea, wherever you are now, thank you for being a star.

Palaver1 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:50:51

Wow whatever next wow wow wow

M4J4 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:54:00

@ShowMeTheKittens

If you do not want someone else to take this role you need to do it yourself.

OP has to work, she can't be with her DD all the timehmm

You need to stop being jealous and either do Nanny's job or let her do hers.

OP has acknowledged her jealousy in unreasonable, so don't rub it in. OP can't do the nanny's job because she;s out earning a living!

And there are other options. op CAN decide to tell nanny to cut back on the kisses or she can hire another nanny. At the end of the day, OP is the parent and the employer. To quote an MN cliche, her child, her rules.

Oysterbabe Fri 26-Apr-19 20:04:28

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

I love that film 😂

Oysterbabe Fri 26-Apr-19 20:11:42

I remember when I was settling DD into nursery and I was really surprised to see one of the staff cuddle a toddler into their lap and kiss him on the head. I had no experience of childcare for tiny ones so had no idea it would be like that. But now I feel really glad that my 2 get affection when not with me. I think little ones need it.

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