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AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

(391 Posts)
GallopingFox Thu 25-Apr-19 18:50:32

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

justarandomtricycle Thu 25-Apr-19 18:54:04

If you shower DC in kisses and cuddles all the time, they probably naturally go to nanny for those things, too.

I don't think I'd say YABU exactly, but if you trust your nanny completely, well children that small who are used to lots of cuddles getting them from their nanny is no terrible thing. smile

JassyRadlett Thu 25-Apr-19 18:55:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PrincessTiggerlily Thu 25-Apr-19 18:55:52

Won't DC resist this in a year or so? So you don't need to do anything if you can wait.

PrasadsNonDyingDeclaration Thu 25-Apr-19 18:57:31

I’ve heard it all now: “my nanny is too lovely”. hmm

JassyRadlett Thu 25-Apr-19 18:57:38

Sorry - on rereading that came across as harsher than I intended, OP, and I apologise for that. But in your shoes I’d be embracing the fact I’d found a nanny who clearly adores my child and cares for them well.

LegoPiecesEverywhere Thu 25-Apr-19 18:57:42

I think it is lovely. I understand your jealousy but it is normal when they are so young.

PippaPug Thu 25-Apr-19 18:58:08

I’m a Nanny, I’m guessing she is doing at least 50 hours a week for you - 10 hours a day, 5 days a week?

She spends more time with your little one then she does anyone else - they have a close little bond, it however doesn’t replace your bond with your child and she knows that. It’s a really good thing your child is loved by someone outside the family - it takes a Village to raise a child and all that....I wouldn’t upset the Apple cart because deep down I suspect your actually jealous.

By all means tell her not to do that with your child as you say your paying her but don’t expect her to be happy about it as it obviously comes naturally to her.
If your child was saying no and she was still doing it, yes you could say something but I don’t think you can considering she isn’t doing anything wrong

BogglesGoggles Thu 25-Apr-19 18:58:16

She their main carer. It’s would be a bit sad for your child if the nanny wasn’t affectionate.

Dieu Thu 25-Apr-19 18:58:36


NoBaggyPants Thu 25-Apr-19 18:58:56

Your post is worrying, but the worrying part is the way you describe the situation, not the situation itself. Fondling, massaging, cuddling and kissing... You're trying to sexualise normal behaviour to justify your position.

There's nothing wrong with a nanny rubbing a child's feet or ruffling their hair. A kiss on the head is absolutely fine. Look how different it is when put into normal language.

If you want to dictate every interaction with your child then you need to provide the care yourself. It sounds like you have an excellent nanny who is nurturing your child's development.

Snog Thu 25-Apr-19 18:59:54

It's jealousy on your part and if you care about your kids you should rein it back and be grateful they have a good nanny.

Chocmallows Thu 25-Apr-19 19:00:44

Does it or could it damage your DC?

I think not and if this is more about jealousy on your part then you should leave it.

GallopingFox Thu 25-Apr-19 19:00:46

My point is my DC doesn’t really seek out the affection but my nanny just gives it to her spontaneously.

Jassy, I didn’t say I only wanted her to give affection when I was around. What I am saying is, from what I have seen, it feels a bit OTT. I think we would all accept there is a limit to how physically affectionate people should be with other people’s DC - would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example? The question is where is the line. That’s all.

scarecrowhead Thu 25-Apr-19 19:00:55

You're being ridiculous

GenerationX2 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:01:34

YABU - surely this is why you have a nanny to love and care for your child.. Don't you want a Nanny to show your child love and affection.

If you are uncomfortable you should terminate the contract - because telling her that you don't want her to do that is just odd.

Echobelly Thu 25-Apr-19 19:01:36

I don't think nanny's doing anything wrong, but I do understand it feeling weird for you to see her interacting with your DC and that manifesting as worrying something's wrong. But it's not from what I can see here.

TerryWogansWilly Thu 25-Apr-19 19:01:58

If you're implying you think there is something untoward going on you should get rid of her instantly. Asking her to be less affectionate won't change anything.

If this is just you being jealous. Yabvu. So unreasonable. Could you spend that much time with a child and not feel a parent/child relationship of some sorts?

KC225 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:02:01

You are jealous of a woman you have employed showing your toddler love?

FlibbertyGiblets Thu 25-Apr-19 19:02:49

I'm sorry you're not happy with the close bond you've observed.

Listen to BaggyPants and everyone else.

Prinlllu Thu 25-Apr-19 19:02:54

Are you jealous or worried that your DD might prefer the nanny?

NoBaggyPants Thu 25-Apr-19 19:03:17

would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example?

She's not doing that, so why mention it?

A child shouldn't have to seek out affection, if it's not given naturally that would be far more of a concern.

SuziQ10 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:04:10


Onacleardayyoucansee Thu 25-Apr-19 19:04:28

Aw OP.
I get it.
I have had similar.

Try and think of it as the Nanny as just one more person who loves your child.
Cant have too much love.

Perhaps she chose to Nanny because she really does love children.

This secure attachment will benefit your children their whole lives.

FlibbertyGiblets Thu 25-Apr-19 19:04:38

<waits for OP to say oh but she DOES>

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline Thu 25-Apr-19 19:04:49

I think yabu. This woman is caring for your small child and has done since he was a baby, of course there's going to be physical affection. I can't understand why you wouldn't want that!

Be honest with yourself here. This reaction is about you, you're feeling insecure seeing someone else behave in what might be described as a "maternal" manner with your son. I can understand how that can be a little disconcerting but would you really want the adult taking care of your two year old to fight her instinct to show him affection because his mum might get, let's be honest , jealous?

My dc are older but as a working mum I'm absolutely delighted that they have a close and loving bond with their CM. That doesn't take anything away from me, it just gives them an extra person in their lives who loves them and that can only be a good thing.

UCOinanOCG Thu 25-Apr-19 19:04:51

It sounds like your nanny has a lovely bond with your DC and she is to be commended for giving them loving care and affection. I volunteer with Home-start and see the DC in my family for 3 hours a week. I hug then, ruffle their hair, kiss their cheek and rub bumps better. I have a wonderful bond with these children and am very in tune with them. Sound like your nanny is very in tune with your DC. You are lucky to have her.

DizzyPhillips Thu 25-Apr-19 19:05:00


My children go to nursery. The girls there are so affectionate towards them. How sad I would feel if they didn’t. I love that they’re being shown love and affection when I’m not there.

scarecrowhead Thu 25-Apr-19 19:05:48

You're trying to make something innocent into something sinister, utterly unfair and spiteful to a nanny who has done nothing but care for your child.

NorthernRunner Thu 25-Apr-19 19:06:27

If your child was showing no signs of being annoyed/uncomfortable with the affection than I don’t believe you should say anything.

I am a childminder (I was a nanny for many years) and I’m also a parent myself, some children require this level of affection, and actively seek out my attention. Other children will come in, give me a hug and then go off to play, not wanting anything else from me and that’s fine.

Without meaning to be rude- do you think there is an element of jealousy? As lovely as your nanny is, she will never replace you, you are mom, and the most important person to your child.

If I were you, I would be so grateful that your nanny has this kind of bond with your child. If you were to say anything you may find yourself looking for another nanny very quickly.

NataliaOsipova Thu 25-Apr-19 19:06:30

She their main carer. It’s would be a bit sad for your child if the nanny wasn’t affectionate.

Totally agree. She sounds like a terrific nanny; you’ve fallen on your feet. The one thing you cannot pay someone to do, even with all the money in the world, is to love your child. If she does, that is priceless.

missyB1 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:06:47

Errr... I spontaneously give affection to the children in the nursery where I work, and also to my ds at home. Why is it wrong to spontaneously show physical affection? Do you believe children should only be given affection if they have asked for it?

You are being odd, and I suspect that it’s really about jealousy.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom Thu 25-Apr-19 19:07:23

OP,the nanny is doing your job.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff Thu 25-Apr-19 19:07:55

I can promise you op that your dc will still love you more than the nanny which is obviously your worry!

TooBusyHavingFun Thu 25-Apr-19 19:08:09

It wouldn't be very nice for your 2yr old to go all day without affection unless they hurt themselves. Massaging feet probably not required!

It must be weird seeing your 2yr old having a loving close bond with another woman - but I guess that's what you get if you want an all day nanny.

CherryPavlova Thu 25-Apr-19 19:09:29

You’re not serious, are you?
Why would you not want your nanny to blow raspberries on tummies, ruffle hair, scratch backs or cover in kisses?
Sounds like you have insecurities that need addressing rather than projecting your problems onto the nanny who sounds lovely.

Tiredmum100 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:09:46

Yabu. She sounds like a Fab nanny. She is giving your dc love and affection. If anything it could be jealously on your part? I know it would be if me. Enjoy the fact she's not leaving your child in front of the TV.

shitpark Thu 25-Apr-19 19:10:10

If a child isn't accustomed to having an affectionate relationship with a care giver, they're less likely to seek comfort from that person, imo

Wenttoseainasieve Thu 25-Apr-19 19:10:39


Your child spends more of their waking time with their nanny than with you, so it would be a shame to say they can't share affection like that with the person they spend most of their time with. I appreciate as a mother it would be hard to see, but I think I'd have to suck it up, as it would be about me rather than my child.

Your nanny sounds great, and I do sympathise, but I think you should leave them as they are.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 25-Apr-19 19:11:17


Mine are at nursery and this is normal in the younger rooms. The little ones are always being held or sitting on the workers laps. The next room up as well and it gradually tails off. If she was doing that with a 5 year old I would think you might have a point but it sounds appropriate at 2.

Aria2015 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:11:32

I'm not a nanny but my experience with 2 year olds is that they don't sit and cuddle if they don't want to! So she may initiating affection, but I'm assuming your lo is accepting / reciprocating it. In which case I can't see what's wrong with it. Think about how it would play out if you asked her to ’tone it down’ she could leave your child confused when, in a bid to please you (her employer), she starts behaving in a noticeably different way and keeping them at arms length. If your child seems happy then I would just try and see the positive in the close bond they appear to have.

HowardSpring Thu 25-Apr-19 19:13:16

I remember picking my child up from a childminder and getting such a jolt when I could smell my childminder's perfume on her. It was a shock as I hadn't expected it. But after a couple of seconds I realised that it was because CM had cuddled her - and I was pleased. My DD loved her CM. Absolutely loved her to bits and was so happy there. We were all sad when she moved away. Kids need that. It is normal. You should be pleased.

Morgan12 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:14:50

I think you are just jealous. I mean that in the nicest possible way honestly!

I'm trying to put myself in your position and I know I would be insanely jealous.

BoomBoomsCousin Thu 25-Apr-19 19:16:30

If you have no concerns for your DC's welfare or happiness - what exactly is it that you think is inappropriate? What is wrong with all the affection? How do you think your DC's life will be improved if there was less of it?

Dana28 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:17:04

I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there

Based on?? It must be because your child is sooooooo gooorjus no mere mortal can resist her cuteness🙄🙄

MitziK Thu 25-Apr-19 19:17:40

You are paying her to step into what would be your role if you were to be a SATM. That includes, in my view, giving him the care and physical affection he would undoubtedly get from you were you to be there physically caring for him.

The old days of children being dumped on nannies who wouldn't cuddle them, wouldn't give them a kiss and maintained an ice cold barrier are thankfully, long gone except in some sad families where their nannies are not permitted to care for both the physical and emotional needs of their charges.

Remember that you will be back at work soon - can you imagine your DC being a child who didn't get to sit on somebody's lap, who didn't have somebody ruffling their hair or kissing the top of their head absentmindedly? If she were to be ordered to stop, he could feel this deeply as a rejection, just as much as if you were to stop cuddling him when you got in from work.

He's probably so confident and happy precisely because he has this care and attention all the time.

Try not to think about it. She obviously adores him and he adores her. That's the best thing for any child to have in their life.

Rtmhwales Thu 25-Apr-19 19:17:53

This is sad. I was a nanny to two boys from three months on for three years, sixty hours a week. Your nanny is the main caregiver right now. She's supposed to love and shower your daughter with cuddles and kisses just like you'd do if you were home.

TimeIhadaNameChange Thu 25-Apr-19 19:18:03

I work in a nursery and this is how I treat the children there. I didn't at first, but my manager told me that hugs and kisses were encouraged, to make the children feel as comfortable as possible.

Just today I suggested a cuddle to one child, and had two of them throwing themselves at me. It was lovely! One went away then ran back to kiss me! I don't allow them to kiss me on the lips, and have always told parents the odd time one has managed it. But by being so relaxed with them means they will come for a hug when they're upset, which is surely what you want?

Springwalk Thu 25-Apr-19 19:18:46

You sound jealous op. Really jealous, and yet you should be so happy that your dd has bonded so well with her nanny, and delighted that she is being cared for in every single way. Most parents would give anything to be in your position. Toddlers are so gorgeous, and I love them to bits at that age. I think it is pretty normal. Your little one deserves to be cared for with such genuine affection no?

Your nanny can never replace you, you are her mother, but how lovely for your dd that she has other people that care for her when you are not there.

I suggest you thank your nanny for being so wonderful, and take extra good care of her. If your child is not happy with the nanny your life becomes hellish over night.

MolyHolyGuacamole Thu 25-Apr-19 19:20:01

Maybe you need to be a stay at home mum.

Stompythedinosaur Thu 25-Apr-19 19:20:08

I think you are being unreasonable. Of course someone who takes care of a small child should bond with them and be affectionate.

We have a childminder, she cares about my dc and is affectionate towards them, including physical affection. I feel grateful that they have such a good bond! Their relationship with me is not threatened by them having a relationship with someone else.

1Wanda1 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:20:51

This is not about your DC's welfare but about your jealousy and perhaps guilt at not being the one who is with your DC all day. If you say something about this to your nanny, you risk depriving your DC of what sounds like a close relationship with someone who loves her.

I say that as a working mum myself. It's hard but if you have to/choose to work, you should be happy to have your DC cared for by someone who truly cares for her.

TheBigFatMermaid Thu 25-Apr-19 19:21:23

I feel for you OP, I really do, but this is the best possible thing for your child.

I get that it's hard, but this is loads better than having a cold and heartless person looking after your child! I would much rather it was someone affectionate caring for my DC.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Thu 25-Apr-19 19:21:25

Your DC is going to be very hurt and confused when he goes to her for a hug and she doesn't respond because she's worried about your reaction.

RedHelenB Thu 25-Apr-19 19:21:52

When choosing a childminder the main thing was the cuddles she gave to her mindees and her manner around them

AlexaAmbidextra Thu 25-Apr-19 19:22:12

You should consider yourself lucky that your child is receiving lots of love and affection. The only thing that needs reining in is your jealousy and resentment.

Tinkobell Thu 25-Apr-19 19:24:03

OP are you physically affectionate with your DC when the nanny is around, and if so, how does the nanny respond? Does she smile and look happy when this happens or does she stomp away?
Is the DC being used as a maternal tug of war between you two women?.....I don't know, that's why I'm asking?

DwayneDibbly Thu 25-Apr-19 19:24:04

@HowardSpring I had a similar jolt recently when I realised my DDs key worker posted a pic of her & DD on the nursery's social media page (totally fine & I signed off on it). My DD looked really happy & content having a hug from this lady. I had a sudden, fierce feeling of jealousy & then realised how lovely it was that she was in a place where people liked her & cared for her.

OP, I understand the jealousy, I think everyone posting here probably does to some extent. But please don't let it ruin your DCs relationship with her nanny. It's horrible sometimes going to work, the feelings of guilt we sometimes experience are perhaps driving all this? Try and take a step back away from your feelings and look at it objectively.

JassyRadlett Thu 25-Apr-19 19:24:12

Jassy, I didn’t say I only wanted her to give affection when I was around. What I am saying is, from what I have seen, it feels a bit OTT. I think we would all accept there is a limit to how physically affectionate people should be with other people’s DC - would you let a nursery worker kiss your child on the lips for example? The question is where is the line. That’s all.

To quote you:

I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much.

You don’t want your daughter to have this form of affection from your nanny - it seems you want it reserved to come from you, and your daughter is not to have it when she’s with the nanny - so quite large parts of her week. Yes, it’s a selfish impulse from you.

I am positive that at some point my son has grabbed a nursery worker by either cheek, smushed their cheeks uncomfortably and planted a huge kiss on their lips. It’s very much his style. But your question is quite telling.

ukexpatliving Thu 25-Apr-19 19:24:48

Have to agree with others.

The nanny is your DCs main carer/spends more awake time with your DC than you do, it's natural to feel jealous.

LIVIA999 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:25:09

Also if you mention it- you risk the chance if you mention it that your nanny will be so upset at your suggestion that she reign it in that she decides to leave.
My youngest had a nanny when he was small that he totally adored. He referred to her as mama. She utterly adored him and he her. If he saw her now he wouldn't even know her. The bond between mother and child is so strong you are in no risk of being replaced.
I get it's painful but I'd rather be worried that my nanny was to lovely than worrying she was cold and clinical.

PriscillaLydiaSellon Thu 25-Apr-19 19:25:17

I lived for a while with a family who had a 2 yo DD. I wasn't the DD's nanny, not least as her mum was around most of the time (she also had teenage children). However, I became immensely fond of the 2 yo and she did of me. I would kiss her and cuddle her and lie on the sofa reading to her in the same way I did with my own DC when they were that age. It was a lesson to me in how adoption could work (something I had never been able to countenance before). Her mum was absolutely delighted to have an extra pair of hands and to know that her DD was safe and happy and loved if she needed to go out. If I'd ever needed to use a nanny for my DC, I'd have wanted it to be one who was essentially a 'mum' to them when I couldn't be there.

ChocChocButtons Thu 25-Apr-19 19:25:40

I’ve been a nanny for 15 years and that is exactly how I am with my charges. I suggest a nanny isn’t for you if your too insecure.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar Thu 25-Apr-19 19:27:24

She is probably her main carer if you've opted for a nanny rather than any other form of childcare. If your not there for kisses and cuddles and you won't allow nanny to be then who is?

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 25-Apr-19 19:28:51

I thought the whole point of having a nanny is so that there is one main caregiver while you and your DH are at work. they are effectively replacing you and that does actually mean that your cuddles have to be replaced by theirs! Or would you prefer that your toddler went all day with no physical affection until you got home? Because if that’s the case you may as well put them in a time machine back to Victorian times.

Look, OP, small children NEED affection as much as they need food, water, sleep, play and verbal interaction with an adult. To actively deprive them of that just because you are not there yourself is just plain cruel.

Thegoodthere Thu 25-Apr-19 19:29:11

What @owner said.

Thegoodthere Thu 25-Apr-19 19:29:39

Huge difference between a nursery worker and a nanny.

Ullupullu Thu 25-Apr-19 19:29:52

Research shows that for under 3s especially , a close bond with a consistent caregiver is what matters. Look at this in a mercenary way - your nanny is setting your child up to feel secure and grounded for life because as a preschooler they were showered with affection and attention. That is what you are paying her for. Win win!

Floatingfancy Thu 25-Apr-19 19:30:18

Yabvvvvu. That's exactly what you should want from a nanny. My 3 year old's keyworkers are like that with him and I couldn't be happier. Why would you NOT want that?

cockadoodledooooo Thu 25-Apr-19 19:30:38

You can't compare a nanny working in your home with a nursery worker. I think YABU. Say something and it will change everything, keep quiet and it will change gradually. FWIW I've worked for the same family for seven years, children aged 7, 11 and 13. I always tell them I love them when I say goodbye or when they leave for school etc and they all say it back, not because they have to, just because they want to. They cuddle me or high five me depending on how they feel. But they all grew up with a lot of affection from me. I've been in sole charge and have a great relationship with them. I work alongside their parents and want them to feel as loved and safe and secure with me as they do with them.

I think you need to address the reasons why you feel the way you do honestly. If nanny kissing on lips (something I never do) is something you dislike explain why to her, but I think there's a level of jealousy and insecurity from you too.

SheldonSaysSo Thu 25-Apr-19 19:31:40

The nanny is in no way replaces you or your relationship with your child. However, nannying is a position which requires an immensely close working relationships and I wouldn't think nannying was for her if she didn't make a close bond.

BettysLeftTentacle Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:11

If my nanny didn’t offer affection to my children then she wouldn’t be my nanny anymore.

I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give

What exactly are you paying her for then? Do you not have a nanny to essentially do what you’re not doing when you’re not there?! You’re jealous OP and that’s fine, relinquishing your children to someone else is tough, very tough but for goodness sake, don’t make this out to be something it’s not.

ChocChocButtons Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:13

This post makes me so sad, I love my charges I spend 7-6 with them and I can’t imagine how upset my boss would be if I wasn’t hugging and loving her child.

This poor women is doing her job and is getting vilified for it on the the internet by a jealous mother who hired to do a job.

MerryMarigold Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:32

I work in a nursery and often cuddle and kids the children. I've had 3 kids myself and it's totally instinctive. I'm generally the person the settlers come to, or children who are upset. I feel good that I can offer them this feeling of being loved /cared for which comes from affection when children are young.

Were you abused at all as a child? If so, I can see that you'd feel uncomfortable. It's understandable but not that rational. If not then I think you're feeling a bit jealous of the nanny relationship with your toddler.

justarandomtricycle Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:32

I think we all understand how you feel flowers

Your nanny sounds smashing and whatever decision you take, which is absolutely your right, do remember she isn't doing anything wrong at all, only what she is supposed to do, so a bash to her confidence for this would not be warranted.

MrsMorse Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:52

We’ve had a nanny who was super affectionate and all I could think was how lucky my children were to have another person love them. That’s what you have to remember.

acomingin Thu 25-Apr-19 19:33:59

Jealousy, pure and simple. She sounds an absolute treasure. If you don't appreciate her give up work and look after them yourself.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo Thu 25-Apr-19 19:34:03

DD (2) goes to nursery and I love to see and hear about staff there cuddling and kissing her. That’s an environment where they have 6 toddlers in their charge and she might see different staff throughout the day - so far less of an intense bond as 1:1 with a nanny.

Personally, I don’t think the nanny is doing anything wrong and it would be so upsetting to your 2 year old if she suddenly wasn’t allowed cuddles and kisses. I think you need to look inside yourself honestly and ask why this makes you uncomfortable? As PP mentioned, you seem to use a lot of sexualised descriptions for quite normal affection. I often rub DD’s back and feet, especially if I’m trying to encourage her to wind down. If your DC didn’t like it she’d be up and off or batting nanny’s hand away. Or is it an insecurity with you being at work or your relationship with DC?

Think carefully. This may be an employee-employer relationship to you, but to your DC this is their main caregiver. Throwing a spanner in the works at such a critical age for forming social skills could be really harmful to them.

Perhaps focus instead on your own relationship with DC. Eg Have a family tradition that only you do with her like pancakes or swimming on a particular day of the week or a time that is just DC-Mummy time such as you always do bath and bedtime stories.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 25-Apr-19 19:34:50

Tbh if I was your Nanny and you told me off for that, I'd assume you think it's inappropriate and you were questioning if I was safe to be around children.

Lots of parents don't approve of lip kissing so I think that's literally the only point you could pull her up on.

And agree Re fondling and massaging your child. She's ruffling her hair and giving her feet etc a rub.

If you actually think she has sexual proclivities towards your child you need to report her to the Police

villainousbroodmare Thu 25-Apr-19 19:35:08

Well, well, well. Cold, sour, and jealous enough to hurt this excellent-sounding woman and limit the natural nurturing affection she is showing to your child?

aprarl Thu 25-Apr-19 19:37:00

By all means tell her, so that she can find a less batshit employer!

crispysausagerolls Thu 25-Apr-19 19:37:44

How is this a problem?!?

Thymeout Thu 25-Apr-19 19:37:49

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. Your nanny has been looking after your dc since they were 1 yr old. They're still only just 2. It's lovely for both of them to have a warm, cuddly relationship. I'd be much more concerned if she seemed hands-off and chilly towards them, while they're still so little.

They're your dc, but you're not there for most of the time they're awake. Nanny is doing her best to replicate the maternal affection they'd be getting from you if you were looking after them. That, more than anything else, is what babies and toddlers need from their carer. Your dc wouldn't be as confident and un-clingy if they didn't feel loved and secure in your absence.

I'm sorry, Op, but I agree with pps. You sound jealous and possessive. How would telling her to 'rein it in' help your child?

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 25-Apr-19 19:39:02

Op, you say you don’t want to go into why you are off work but I am wondering if it has a bearing on how you’re feeling towards the nanny? Could it be that you are feeling insecure anyway at the moment and so overreacting to normal affection between a nanny and charge?

Dishwashersaurous Thu 25-Apr-19 19:39:56

In this situation the nanny is the primary caregiver in terms of pure childcare hours. Therefore surely it is great that she is really caring and affectionate towards a very very young child

acalmerfuture Thu 25-Apr-19 19:40:39

'Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them'

So your nanny is the primary carer of your child during the week, but you only want your two year old to have the essential security, reassurance and connection that comes from gentle and caring physical content if they have hurt themselves?

That is really wrong of you and really bad for your child.

You seem to have landed a really good nanny. You risk losing her if you say anything. I would be astonishingly offended if I were her.

pyramidbutterflyfish Thu 25-Apr-19 19:40:50

"it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person"

Well yes she most likely does. She is, after all, a nanny. Presumably if she didn't, she'd have got a different job.

We have a nanny who sounds like yours and I can't imagine having the conversation with her you're considering. I recommend a rethink

yesyesyesmama Thu 25-Apr-19 19:40:51

Have a read OP, this might clarify a few things for you.

JaneEyreAgain Thu 25-Apr-19 19:41:52

OP, I want to weigh in on your side here and say that I understand what you are feeling.

The nanny / parent / child relationship is a delicate one from all three corners of the triangle.

Your DC will benefit from the bond they have with you and the physical contact they get from you, which will always be their primary bond. They will also benefit from the bond and physical contact with their nanny.

Our thoughts and beliefs about physical contact are influenced by our relationships with other people, by society and by what we read and hear through other sources. These do not always reflect what is best for our children.

I don't have a conscise way of summarising my anecdote about DS1's nanny and how I really do understand what you are feeling, but I do!!

Squirl Thu 25-Apr-19 19:42:45

The problem with a lot of the people asking if they ABU on here is that they get a hundred people saying yes YABU and explaining why and they only come back with more detail on the situation grinconfused

UCOforAC12 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:43:36

I see my childminder as DD's 'parent in lieu' and part of that is treating her how she treats her own children, cuddles and all.

I thought this thread would be about her not showing your children enough affection not too much! If they're comfortable with it then they're happy which should be your primary aim.

Foreverexhausted Thu 25-Apr-19 19:43:41

I think your nanny sounds lovely and you should be reassured your DC is being well looked after both emotionally and physically HOWEVER, I also completely understand how you feel. You're her mum and you want some exclusivity to all those cuddles and affection shared with your DC. This is exactly the reason I've put my career on hold for a few years and decided to stay at home. I have three pre-schoolers and aside from the astronomical childcare costs, I also don't want to 'miss out' and watch my children share these early years with someone else. Financially we're really struggling and it will take several years to recover from it but that is my choice. Maybe consider going part time if you can?

Hotpinkparade Thu 25-Apr-19 19:44:12

I have been a nanny. One child I looked after (for 7 years) wasn’t that interested in affection so I let her be. Her sibling is very cuddly, and every day at some point I would kiss his head or cheeks, cuddle him, etc etc. Sometimes even kissing his toes. Sometimes he would stick his arms out for a cuddle but often it was initiated by me. I think it made him feel loved, cherished, secure and happy and don’t feel it had any bearing on his (very loving and affectionate) relationship with his mother.

FireFighter999 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:44:37

You sound jealous that the nanny is being more affectionate than you. Be grateful she cares about your child as much as you.

mamaofboyzz Thu 25-Apr-19 19:47:24

You are being unreasonable sorry, I would be over the moon that she loved and treated my little ones as her own. I always like it when the nursery staff are affectionate towards my children it shows a genuine connection. Without trying to be rude it sounds as though your jealous and you really should appreciate her

Mummyshark2019 Thu 25-Apr-19 19:48:10

I am with the OP here. I would find this very weird and uncomfortable. At nursery they make you sign a form to say if you consent to giving your little one a hug or similar affection if they hurt themselves etc. I guess this should be no different. But even if you did say something now OP, how would you know she'd stop when you return to work?

mathanxiety Thu 25-Apr-19 19:48:20

Yes, you are being very, very unreasonable.

I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give.
To put it very bluntly, you are not there to give the instinctive affection eight hours a day.
The nanny is there when you are not and you are unreasonable to expect a small child to wait for cuddles and physical affection until you are home, or for the nanny to ration it out more, to only offer a cuddle if your DD hurts herself. A child of two needs physical contact.

Your child is confident, which comes from security, which comes from affection from all her caregivers, not just you.

Your nanny sounds ace. Be thankful that your child has someone looking after her who seems to have genuinely bonded with her.

mamaofboyzz Thu 25-Apr-19 19:49:06

And yes I would be happy for nursery staff to kiss my children in fact my little boy always kisses them and I like that they kiss him back

BedraggledBlitz Thu 25-Apr-19 19:51:08

I love that my DS runs in to hug his key worker at nursery. I leave him knowing that someone who loves him is caring for him.

I guess if his key worker lived with us their relationship would be even stronger.

In your shoes I would try to accept it as a lovely thing.

EmrysAtticus Thu 25-Apr-19 19:51:25

It is wonderful that your DC has another person who loves them. As someone who wasn't loved growing up I am thrilled when it is clear that the nursery staff care about my DS. I want him surrounded by as much love as possible.

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