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AIBU - nanny affection towards DC

(391 Posts)
GallopingFox Thu 25-Apr-19 18:50:32

First time poster so please be gentle as well as honest.

I employ a nanny full time to look after my DC who is just over 2 years old. She has worked for us for over a year and so knows my family and DC well. She is highly experienced, qualified and generally very professional.

Recently I have been off work for reasons I won’t go into but which have meant that I have been at home a lot more and able to witness first hand the interaction between my DC and my nanny. They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.

However, I have noticed my nanny is quite physically affectionate with DC - fondling DC’s hair a lot, massaging DC’s feet, occasionally kissing them on the head or cheeks and very frequently cuddling DC / cuddling up to DC on the sofa and making DC sit on her lap a lot (all while I am around the house or in the room - I rather suspect it goes on even more when I’m not there).

It makes me very uncomfortable. Whilst I want my DC to feel loved and looked after, I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give. Of course if my DC hurt themselves or was upset, I would want my nanny to comfort DC and hold them. But kissing and massaging them routinely or seeking cuddles / proximity from DC throughout the day feels too much. I should stress I am a very affectionate and cuddly person and so I shower my DC in cuddles and kisses all the time - DC does not lack physical affection and is extremely confident (DC is not the clingy type at all so it is not as though DC seeks physical reassurance). Instead, it feels like my nanny just likes cuddling and the affections of a little person.

Am I being unreasonable / should I tell my nanny to rein it in? I don’t want to hurt her as I think she means well and I don’t want to lose her. However, I am finding it increasingly hard to ignore and feel for what I pay her (v decent London salary) I should be entitled to tell her how I want her to behave toward my DC. How would you raise it with her?

Planetian Fri 26-Apr-19 20:16:54

Awh OP I’m jealous - of you! My DC go to a childminder part time and while she’s very nice and good at her job she’s not (from what I’ve observed) overly affectionate with the children and I would love if she was! My mum used to be my “nanny” until she moved away and I so loved the fact that my children were showered with kisses and cuddles and warmth when I was away from them. It breaks my hard to think when my kids fall over / hurt themselves that they’re not being kissed better by someone - anyone!!

I imagine it’s very hard to see this when you’re at home and not usually privy to their interactions but if I were you I would try to think of it from your child’s perspective - they will feel so loved and secure from this interaction. You say DC is confident, I’m guessing your love over the last two years, along with your nanny’s during the past year, have contributed massively to that. I REALLY wouldn’t say anything and risk ruining the last belt bond your child enjoys. I do understand your feelings though flowers

QueenofmyPrinces Fri 26-Apr-19 20:20:10

As long as you aren't asthmatic, don't have a greenhouse and the nanny doesn't have a habit of wandering round in the rain wearing a nightie, then just think yourself lucky you've found someone who cares about your child.

grin grin grin grin

Pegasus12 Fri 26-Apr-19 20:27:05

Can I try to reassure you without saying you’re unreasonable?

If you work full-ish time you have many years of childcare to come. And probably you will, like me, have several different nannies each with their own ways and foibles. Because they’re human. Believe me you will get more used to it. It’s genuinely a sharing balance. But nannies come and go and you stay. The affection between them is current, and healthy. When your DC is 12, say, this nanny may be long gone but you will still be mum. It’s not a power struggle. In the end.

On a day to day basis though you will need to chill out and be a bit accepting. My kids would tell you of their 6 nannies, some are tidier than others. Some more affectionate some more distant. Some more strict. Some cook better than others. They get something from each of them.

For your own sanity over the next 10 years you can’t micro manage a person who you give the keys of your house to and the care of your child. You have to trust them to develop their own style with your kids.

The problem I think is you’ve been at home with the nanny. Really hard. It makes you feel redundant and them feel awkward.

Good luck OP. When you are coming out the other end with a teenager who grunts at you at best and definitely doesn’t want anyone cuddling them or going anywhere near their personal space, let alone their hair (!!) you will wonder what you worried about.

But at the time I worried and wondered all the time. x

Supermum29 Fri 26-Apr-19 20:30:21

My DD has a very close relationship with her childminder at this age and younger. I think at that age comfort is what they are used to!

You seem to have found yourself a good nanny don’t spoilt it and risk losing her because of your own insecurities. The chances of finding another that have a bond with your child like that will be very slim and you’ll more than likely regret it!

Kath246 Fri 26-Apr-19 20:47:21

You're jealous someone who looks after your child is showing her affection? Isn't that in the best interest of the child??

You think your child should seek out affection before its given??

You're clueless!

Don't say anything and be grateful.

ahtellthee Fri 26-Apr-19 20:50:26

Give your heid a shake

Coldandfrosty Fri 26-Apr-19 20:56:59

Nanny sounds like a total bitch.

Sack her now and hire a robot

Jollygolly Fri 26-Apr-19 20:58:15

I love this thread...
My little contribution is .. dum, dum, dum.... why would DD go to the nanny when DD mother is present..?? If mummy was as affectionate as she says she is then surely DD wouldn't even be in the nannys company... DD would be next to mummy in mummys sick bed...???

Noteventhebirdsareupyet Fri 26-Apr-19 20:58:28

Haven't read all of the comments on here but the ones I have read have been quite harsh to OP.

I used to babysit and I was very affectionate with the babies and children I cared for, it never crossed my mind that their parents might not be happy with it.

Now I have my own child, I know I would feel exactly the same in your shoes but I also wouldn't have a nanny. I don't think you can ask her to be less loving towards your child but maybe you could reduce the number of hours she works, in order to get more time with your little one and feel less pushed out? I feel for you because seeing another woman 'mothering' your child must go against every instinct you have but it seems like she is doing it out of love and a passion for childcare which is really a positive thing.

Could you seek support to deal with your own feelings about this? It sounds like she is doing exactly what she's paid to do and maybe a little reframing of the situation would help you.

Jollygolly Fri 26-Apr-19 21:00:22

Also.... high five to the user going by the name of Terrywoganspenis .. take it you're only little ..?? Heehee...

KittyInTheCradle Fri 26-Apr-19 21:07:52

I disagree with the other people answering - if you're uncorfortable with the way ANYONE acts physically towards your kids, that's completely your right to act on it!

MdNdD Fri 26-Apr-19 21:12:22

When I hired a nanny for my kids I chose someone who loved them and was super affectionate (yet firm). They adored her, she adored them. They are still close and when they see each other have a nice bond - hugs and kisses and fun. I wanted them to get lots of love and care during the day. But everyone is different. Having a nanny is tough. I recall many things that I found difficult, like one of my boys taking his lunch time nap on her lap / chest when he was three. But I rationalised it by telling myself he was happier there than being on a thin mat in a stinky day care nursery! Good luck!

Lypajolu Fri 26-Apr-19 21:14:53

Hi I've only read the first dozen or so but I really cannot understand why NOBODY seems to be getting the point that's it's not that OP is worried about her DC getting love and affection from the nanny but it's the fact that the nanny is actively seeking the contact and affection. OP is not suggesting there anything sexual I think OP is more concerned about the emotion fulfilment that the nanny is looking for from the DC???

MdNdD Fri 26-Apr-19 21:15:09

Just to add, i didn’t feel the affection or closeness impacted the kids’ relationship with me.

Aroundtheworldandback Fri 26-Apr-19 21:20:21

Everything Kath246 said. Be grateful your kids are loved by the person caring for them, would you prefer the opposite??

Mamalicious89 Fri 26-Apr-19 21:23:45

OP I'm not with the majority here. I haven't read the whole thread but your feelings are there for a reason. If you feel uncomfortable then you can't change that and it's for a reason. I reckon I would feel the same in your position.
I'm sure the nanny is very lovely etc etc but if you don't want her being overly affectionate with your kids, you have every right to have that conversation with her. Maybe just be prepared for a shift in atmosphere and dynamic around your house.
We all have lines we don't want crossed- this is your one.

AlexaAmbidextra Fri 26-Apr-19 21:25:25

but it's the fact that the nanny is actively seeking the contact and affection.

No, it isn’t fact. It’s OP’s interpretation of events. Or perhaps misinterpretation. It’s a bit like the wronged wife blaming the OW when DH has an affair. It’s more comfortable for OP to think her child is being forced to put up with strokes and cuddles rather than admit that he loves his nanny.

MrMakersFartyParty Fri 26-Apr-19 21:27:05

I know you're feeling jealous but the thing is she is the main carer not you, that might be horrible to have to accept but it's true. They spend more time together and have a lovely bond.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 26-Apr-19 21:28:33

"I'm sure the nanny is very lovely etc etc but if you don't want her being overly affectionate with your kids, you have every right to have that conversation with her. Maybe just be prepared for a shift in atmosphere and dynamic around your house.
We all have lines we don't want crossed- this is your one."

But that's very selfish!
What about the interests of the child?

SW11supernanny Fri 26-Apr-19 21:30:03

The idea that you are "not paying your nanny to give physical affection" is quite frankly, alarming. Evidently you are jealous to be witnessing this interaction, but the Nanny is doing absolutely nothing wrong.

The best caregivers are ones that treat children as if they are their own. The alternative is a nanny who is constantly on her phone / clock watching / not very engaged and just doing her job for the money - yet what you have is someone who genuinely cares for your children.

Whilst I understand that the Nanny-Parent relationship can be tense at times, you really have to stop and consider what you want from a caregiver. If you have made the choice to employ a nanny, think of what is in your child's best interests and maybe be grateful you have found someone so loving.

I have been sacked in the past because a mother got too jealous of my relationship with her children. I found a new role with someone at the same school but the sad reality was that this happened with every nanny the children had and they ended up with a very unstable situation where nannies were replaced every few months as the mother couldn't let go of her guilt and feeling jealous of everyone.

Not here to make judgements on whether someone should or shouldn't have a nanny, but if you do, finding someone who treats your children like their own is the real goal. You will never be replaced as a mother and instead maybe should consider talking to someone about the jealousy you are experiencing.

Let's give a shout out to all the other nannies who seem to be overlooked and underappreciated!

Beautga Fri 26-Apr-19 21:45:27

To Tiger tooth i had a very sucessful career that i was able to retire at 56.I also never had a nanny for my children

KittyInTheCradle Fri 26-Apr-19 22:37:26

It's weird to me that so many on this thread seem to blindly trust the motives and support the behaviour that is making this kids mum uncomfortable by seeking affection from the kids...

She could be just a wonderful nanny working for a jealous mother, but who are we to judge that?

Isn't it better to follow your instincts about these things? Obviously if this is a recurring issue for you it could be you. But why people are so quick to jump to conclusions about this, I'm not so sure... Would they say the same if the nanny was male?

ClaireScot Fri 26-Apr-19 23:14:38

Are you insecure and jealous in general? It seems like you are looking for an excuse to make her leave, which will likely traumatise your child. Others are right in that the language you are using is quite sexualised. There is something odd about what is going on and it make me uncomfortable that you brought money into it. I hope things work out for the best for all concerned.

Jinxed2 Fri 26-Apr-19 23:15:09

Ahh what a shame you feel like this!

I work in a nursery. I often ruffle hair and give cuddles!

Planetian Fri 26-Apr-19 23:30:57

To those who think the OP’s “instincts” are making her uncomfortable for a reason and that she should “follow them” she explicitly stated: “They get on very well and I have no concerns about my DC’s welfare or happiness - DC is safe and well looked after and for that I am very grateful.”

This isn’t about the nanny/child relationship - it’s about the mother/nanny dynamic.

rainbowlou Fri 26-Apr-19 23:34:49

I was a nanny for a family with 2 very young children (pre nursery) and worked 8-6 every day, I remember one evening the children clinging to my legs and crying for me not to go when I was leaving for home and their mum became so cross with me!
We then had a chat and I asked her would she prefer that or them crying when I arrived every morning and her leaving them feeling upset with me..things got better and we are all, years on still very good friends.
I now work with children in a different capacity but often give hugs when needed!
It broke my heart when my 5 year old hurt himself quite badly at school and told me nobody hugged him because they weren’t allowed sad

bugeyedbarber Fri 26-Apr-19 23:46:30

My DD adores the socks off our nanny. I love it that DD has someone so loving and affectionate in her life. It's self evident as she talks about it.

I'd lie if I said that on a couple of occasions I didn't let my heart twinge with some weird possessiveness. But that twinge was about me feeling guilty that perhaps I should be there more - the usual mummy guilt nonsense. Own it and move on.

I grew up with a loving nanny. I cherish this so much now and I value it immensely that my DD has the sand experience.

bugeyedbarber Fri 26-Apr-19 23:47:07

*same not sands

LaurC Sat 27-Apr-19 00:29:22

YABU I think you’re being ridiculous. Your nanny is raising your DC and spends more time with DC than you and jealousy is kicking in. Why if you are off work anyway do you have nanny there!

Arkenfield3001 Sat 27-Apr-19 01:45:13

Your DC is 2 years old bless her! Of course she should be showered with affection by her Nanny or her Key worker at Nursery...

I think it would make for a very sad working situation if you ask your Nanny to reign in her affections towards your DC

bmbonanza Sat 27-Apr-19 06:50:23

Nanny has been employed in loco parentis - in all its aspects. You are just jealous. Dont deprive your child of that affection because YABU

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow Sat 27-Apr-19 06:54:23

Sorry but this is your issue and not hers - or theirs. Be very grateful for a nanny who loves her young charges

YABVU

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 27-Apr-19 07:51:57

Your nanny obv loves your daughter. Be grateful for this as often read nanny posts saying Nannies are awful

I was a nanny for over 25yrs and now a maternity night nanny solely for newborns

As a nanny I would cuddle and stroke and give kisses etc to the children I cared for

A child’s love is like an elastic band. Their heart can love many people.

You will always be her mum. You will always be your child’s no 1 - but it’s healthy for children to have other people in their lives who love them

Tbh you sound jealous. Not sure why you are home at the moment but if you can manage it spsnd some extra time with your child if not working , and give the nanny some extra time off by allowing her to come in later /finish earlier and you enjoy the cuddles and effection

Now I’m a mum myself I love the fact my daughter now 2 loves everyone she sees and gives them hugs and kisses

Your nanny sounds lovely - don’t let your jealousy or insecurity get the better of you

soberfabulous Sat 27-Apr-19 08:33:43

A child’s love is like an elastic band. Their heart can love many people.

this is beautiful.

We have a nanny and she has been with us since DD was 3 months old. She's now 5.5. Over the years our nanny has been exactly as yours - she showers DD with love and affection and as a result they are now great friends AND i am completely relaxed knowing she is in the care of someone who truly loves her and will always do the right thing for and by her.

I do understand how it can make you twinge sometimes - but ultimately your child knows who is the nanny and who is her mother.

I see our nanny as an amazing complement to our lives, who makes our lives better. she enables us to function better as a family unit and in many ways is the foundation on which our lives are built as she works with us a family to grow and develop.

a child can never have too much love and in my opinion, if you have a nanny like this, you've struck gold.

I give thanks for ours every day.

Ucannotbeserious Sat 27-Apr-19 08:40:30

I do hope OP is actually getting some reassurance particularly from the nannies posting. I’ve had years and years of nannies, from fab all the way to grim. We’ve stayed in touch with the majority even across the world and DCs do so too. I had to work but chose nannies as the next best thing and had to save elsewhere. You have the holy grail of nannies OP, hang on to her for all u are worth. I had to rationalise my choice and examine what I wanted for them and why. It does help that I am not overly jealous as a person. For my DC I wanted people who saw them in the park or in the street to not be aware they were being looked after by a nanny rather than their mum. I wanted them to love the nanny even if that also meant loss. The ability to give love is wonderful both ways and it expands to fit. They actually don’t confuse the roles of mum and nanny. Also if you have a nanny with experience that is just an amazing source of help and advice. Try to allow her to teach your child the value of closeness in your own home. I do hope you are able to ‘reset’ your thought process. There is real joy in opening up the front door at the end of a hard day and hearing joyful homely sounds, I hope you don’t lose this lovely nanny and make a mistake next time and experience the horror of the alternative. I speak from experience, you don’t want to go there. Good luck.

Devora13 Sat 27-Apr-19 09:30:00

Attachment is massively important for children. It sounds to me as though the nanny is giving the child the nurturing needed. She's not just an employee, she is acting in loco parentis in your absence. If she was being too intrusive, you would (hopefully) be able to tell from your child's behaviour. Establishing an attachment with the nanny means your child has a model which will allow him/her to effectively attach to others, including you. She is, after all, the child's primary caregiver.

Mamalicious89 Sat 27-Apr-19 09:43:25

@Gwenhwyfar it isn't selfish if her instincts are telling her something isn't right. Safeguarding her children is most important.
Her children can feel nurture and affection without it being so physical, so often. I would feel uncomfortable with another adult being so touchy with my children. That said, I would never have a nanny so can't share from experience.
Maybe as a teacher I have seen too many instances where my instincts on child protection issues have been right so I maybe have a more cautious viewpoint than others.

tuiblue Sat 27-Apr-19 09:53:24

Could you downsize from London and its very high salaries and raise your child yourself? Maybe that's what your heart is telling you should do. I understand your discomfort, I've never employed a nanny but I have worked and left babies and toddlers with two childminders who became like aunties or extra grandmas. I was lucky how much they cared for my children, but it sometimes hurt (me) because I was torn. I don't think I would have wanted to leave them with a woman who wasn't tactile and affectionate though. In the end I agree with some of the other posters who say there can't be too much love.. hope you work it out smile

Bignosenobum Sat 27-Apr-19 09:53:31

If you are that bothered stay at home more. Spend time with your child. Then you will be able to cuddle your child yourself.

mummmy2017 Sat 27-Apr-19 09:59:44

Do you know how many people would bite your hand off to have your nanny
Your child is loved, just think her as an aunty, and be grateful you can walk out if the house each morning leaving your child with someone who will protect them...

tuiblue Sat 27-Apr-19 10:02:39

Either I need to go to the straight talk workshop or bignose needs to go to the tactfulness training!

shitholiday2018 Sat 27-Apr-19 10:06:44

Omg this is exactly what you want in a nanny, a natural instinct to mother/parent in loco parentis. I see the opposite in so many nannies I see - on their phones whilst in charge, slagging off their employers, disinterested in the kids - and this is exactly what is lacking.

If you don’t want proper parenting in your absence, use a nursery.

Beautga Sat 27-Apr-19 10:08:56

I agree complete with Bignoseobum stay at home you can have a career later you never get these years back.As i said earlier i never had a nanny brought my children up pre school and still managed to break the so called glass ceiling salary wise and now in my fifty enjoying my retirement

Whatafustercluck Sat 27-Apr-19 10:17:48

What you're describing is jealousy OP. Understandable, but jealousy nonetheless. A full time carer like a nanny or ft cm isn't solely there to take care of a child's practical needs. DC need closeness and attachment with all primary carers in order to develop well emotionally. My DC are like this with our cm and I encourage it and always say that if I can't be there to comfort them or provide for their emotional needs, then she's the next best thing. When 2yo dd has had a bad day and cm contacts me to say that she's tearful, I've given her advice to stroke her arms or legs, which completely calms her down. My kids kiss her goodbye, seek her out for a cuddle if they're overwhelmed etc. I see it as extremely positive that they are able to trust someone else in their lives so wholly. And it gives me huge reassurance that she doesn't just see their care as practical/ educational. Yabu op. Be thankful you've found someone so attuned to them.

GingerLiberalFeminist Sat 27-Apr-19 17:52:55

I've now become a bit worried about how affectionate I am towards my friend's kids. In particular odd kisses on the head while we are playing lego or them sitting on my lap while we watch TV. But I genuinely think it's just natural maternal affection and yabu.

A lot of posts comment on jealousy, but I wonder if there is an element of guilt here too. You work full time and therefore are not at home to provide all of this care. There's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to work full time and have a stable care giver, and the nanny you have sounds like an excellent choice.

Hanywany Sat 27-Apr-19 17:55:14

kittyInTheCradle_totally agree i always go by my instincts and to be quite honest i'm not usually wrong if something is not sitting right then something needs to be done to rectify it! Im not sure what in that situation! but im not very trusting of anyone other than me and hubby with our children due to crap families etc! So trusting what is inevitably a stranger with my children doesnt sit right with me personally! My children are lovely and very affectionate little souls and i wouldnt get jealous at all because i would want my children to have that positve interaction with other people but as i say trust your mothering instinct and you wont go far wrong! Do what you feel is best for your family! Its very easy for people to assume shes just being really lovely etc but if your witnessing first hand and its making you feel uncomfortable/weird she is then also doing all that stuff etc when your not there! So it really is entirely up to you!smile

HallowZombie Sat 27-Apr-19 17:57:50

Having been a Nanny for a family of 4 kids for 4 years there emotional needs were just as important as their physical and educational. I became part of the family and their mum was probably a little jealous when they cried for me or ran to me for a hug she always said to me that it also made her feel confident whilst at work that they were safe and being taken care of. Their previous nanny was not as caring and the children were never excited when she arrived and were clingy to mum she knew it was t the right fit for the family. It was the best job, and I loved those children. Now I have more own children I understand her and appreciate the trust she put in me to help raise her precious babies.

Aridane Sat 27-Apr-19 18:04:04

This is one of the saddest opening posts I have read on mumsnet

greenpop21 Sat 27-Apr-19 18:24:42

At 2 chn need that kind of close contact for their own wellbeing though it should be child led not adult led.

greenpop21 Sat 27-Apr-19 18:27:01

I do understand OP and it is one of the reasons I was a sahm. These are the choices you have to make. Far better that your child has a warm relationship with their nanny than not.

greenpop21 Sat 27-Apr-19 18:29:50

Also, people have different norms for affection. I am quite touchy feely but I have a friend who hates a hug or a kiss. How are you with open displays of affection generally?

Westside1 Sat 27-Apr-19 18:49:34

I am actually in agreement with you that the nanny shouldn’t be this affectionate. I am a qualified childcare worker and whilst you can cuddle a child if hurt/upset you shouldn’t be doing so on a constant basis.

I witnessed this with a colleague and it was very uncomfortable and worrying to watch. I felt like she was way over familiar with the children. She was spoken to about this. Maybe in a home setting she is just over familiar but I don’t blame you for being upset

nuxe1984 Sat 27-Apr-19 19:20:45

UABU - totally. Be pleased your child has such a caring loving nanny. Nobody will ever replace you as their mother but she is one of your child's main carers. It's natural for them to develop a bond. She is also, obviously, a very tactile person and your DC doesn't seem to mind this.

Long may it continue.

DeeCeeCherry Sat 27-Apr-19 19:30:10

Cuddles and comfort yes. Smothering my child with kisses, hair stroking, constant touching - No.

Trust your own instincts OP, you will know as a woman that if you're uncomfortable about certain behaviours then you will mostly be dismissed as being silly. That doesn't mean you are being silly.

None of us can see what's going on. You can. If you're uncomfortable enough to seek advice then I'm minded something you've seen is worrying you.

You will have to address it and/or get rid of Nanny.

Pippinsisgr8 Sat 27-Apr-19 19:34:41

I'm an Early Years teacher and childminder. Relationships are fundamental to wellbeing and wellbeing is central to learning. Quite simply relationships build children's brains, developing emotional resilience and creating the cognitive capacity for learning. This brain development happens in the first few years of life so it is vital that your child experiences this nurturing care now and consistently. Touch releases dopamine, dopamine opens up the pathways in the brain to learning. Children learn the fundamentals of literacy by sitting on a 'loving lap' for a story. What you describe seems to me to be 'professional love'. As a mother you will always be the most important person in your child's life but whilst you are not there your child needs and deserves this nurturing relationship with your nanny.

We are taught to maintain 'a respectful uncertainty' about anyone so if you have other concerns then you should remain vigilant to safeguard your child.

i always ask a child if they would like a cuddle, this gives the child autonomy and control over who touches their body. I don't kiss them a lot but putting a little one down to sleep I might give them a little kiss on their forehead. If children offer up a kiss when they leave, I kiss them on their cheek or forehead, avoiding their offered lips as much as possible. I take my lead from the child.

Ohjustboreoff Sat 27-Apr-19 19:47:59

Sorry but you are BU. I’m now a mother who employs a nanny, she is loving and caring and shows my DC’s the same amount of affection I show them. But 25 years ago I was a Nanny who gave the children in my car that same amount of affection.
One incident was when the mother and I went to see the eldest DC in their gym exam. DC hurt themselves and DC instinctively ran to me for comfort, what was I supposed to do push them away? I gave them a cuddle and then directed them to their mother. It was so cringe and Mum did have words with me but we worked it out when she realised we both wanted DC’s to be loved and secure.
Unfortunately when you have other caregivers it’s something that you need to just get over.

OopsIdidittentimes Sat 27-Apr-19 21:34:43

Wanted: Nanny, Attentive, kind, loving but not so much that it makes me feel that my child will view you more favourably than me.

Aridane Sat 27-Apr-19 22:11:33

If you're uncomfortable enough to seek advice then I'm minded something you've seen is worrying you.

You will have to address it and/or get rid of Nanny.

Ah yes, the paedophilic boundary crashing nanny

Aridane Sat 27-Apr-19 22:12:12

Oops;has it spot on

HarrietM87 Sat 27-Apr-19 22:43:27

You’ve lucked out with this nanny. Don’t mess it up for your child.

cinderfeckinrella Sun 28-Apr-19 00:17:49

I don't think YABU at all OP. She doesn't sound like a great nanny to me, you don't need to be massaging kids feet, kissing and cuddling them to show you care or to build a relationship. I have 3 dc, they all went to nursery not nannies and their key workers would lift and cuddle them but never kiss. Tbh I agree with op and think that's overly affectionate too. It's not jealousy, I don't like people other than family kissing my kids or asking them for a kiss. I've worked in nursery and schools and as an au pair and always hug children if they need reassurance or are injured but not a chance would I kiss anyone else's child. I agree with you op, plus she works for you so should follow your rules. I was given a typed set of rules as an au pair so I knew what my role was and duties expected of me and it avoided any awkward conversations as we had guidelines to refer to. Hope you get it sorted, horrible to feel awkward about a situation with your child in your own home.

cinderfeckinrella Sun 28-Apr-19 00:59:51

I've also been a SAHM and taught 3/4/5 year olds and I cuddle children and sit them on my lap for stories etc, children are always hugging teachers but it should be child led and kissing is crossing a boundary in my opinion. I don't see why op is being attacked or called "batshit crazy" when she is a bit shocked and as pp stated has sought advice.

Greeborising Sun 28-Apr-19 01:10:45

Your dc is spending most of her time with this person.
It’s lovely that there is a close bond between your dc and nanny
But
You really can’t complain that your child has formed a strong bond with another person when you haven’t been there

ss2011 Sun 28-Apr-19 10:46:58

I don’t understand why the OP is being given quite so much grief. I think some of the child care practitioners that have replied have given really good answers....there are actually clear boundaries and rules about this sort of thing in nurseries etc (for some very good reasons) so I would expect that people employing private nannies might want to think about where they want boundaries to be set....but to me this is something that is best discussed right at the beginning when you first employ someone....I agree with others this should be child led. I would want anyone I am paying to looking after my children to be responsive to them if my kids are seeking comfort, reassurance or affection but would not necessarily expect the adult to be asking for a kiss etc. All the nursery staff at my children’s nursery’s and their early teachers have got his just right in my opinion and still managed to be really nurturing whilst maintaining boundaries. I would prob want a nanny to be similar if I had one but that would have nothing to do with coldness or jealousy on my part and I don’t think the OP is either. OP- I bet there are forums for people who employ nannies or even nanny associations where you can get some good advice on this and be judged less harshly than you have on here. That said though...you will need to be really sensitive and careful if/when broaching with your nanny as you did not set any boundaries when she started work with you and chances are she is just doing what comes naturally to her, loves you kids and won’t feel like she has been doing anything wrong.....

DeeCeeCherry Sun 28-Apr-19 11:10:40

Errrmmm Aridane why are you thinking of paedophilia when nowhere has it been mentioned? That's an odd thing to suggest. There are people who get into their head that someone else's child is 'theirs', for example...

There could be a myriad of reasons.

OP is concerned about her child. She's allowed to be.

Hanywany Sun 28-Apr-19 11:29:32

Totally agree with cinderfeckinrella kissing other peoples children is crossing a boundary and you can comfort and reassure children with out that!

caringcarer Sun 28-Apr-19 18:00:21

Honestly she sounds kind and loving towards your children. You are lucky to have her. Don't take affection away from your children it is not a contest of who they love the most. If you love your children and you cannot be with them at home 24/7 the best thing you can do is leave them with someone who loves them. Your nanny clearly does love them and is kind to them. Would you be happier if you found she was being mean to them?

PriscillaLydiaSellon Sun 28-Apr-19 18:41:16

I have 3 dc, they all went to nursery not nannies and their key workers would lift and cuddle them but never kiss . What a shame for your DC, @Hanywany. I'm not immensely kissy and never have been, but I was with my DC when they were little, and I was with good friends' DC (as they were with mine). I remember DD going out with one of my friends and her DC when she was very small, and coming back with a black eye. She said it hurt but it was ok because said friend cuddled her and kissed it better. That's surely what we want people to do for our DC, and what we would do for other people's DC?

GeorgeTheFirst Sun 28-Apr-19 18:49:23

My GP once had one of my toddlers on his lap, to examine I can't remember what now. He kissed him on the top of the head as he handed him back. I thought it was so sweet. And that was just a routine 5 minute consultation!

Delatron Sun 28-Apr-19 19:01:48

Don’t children need affection during the day though? Cuddles are important. If you’re not there to give them then the Nanny needs to.

Hanywany Sun 28-Apr-19 19:12:54

PriscillaLydiaSellon what are you on about i think your thinoing about skmeone elses post as i never said i had 3 children as i dont i have 4 and none of my have been to nursery or had nannies as mine are all at home with me in a lively cuddly kissy household as my household me and hubby are very affectionate towards our children and teach the same aswell all i said was that i personally wouldnt kiss somebody elses child not just for the sake of it anyway!! I would comfort and reassure another child if they came to me or if they were hurt and thats if i was a nanny! Sorry not sure who you was aiming at!!! smile

Broken123 Sun 28-Apr-19 20:14:33

Am I being unfair? I have two children and I do everything for them. Husband won’t go to their dance shows, parents evenings or generally engage with them. I was away for the weekend for someone’s hen party and for once he had to be in charge. He had already been to the pub three times in the week and on the Friday had to take them to dance practice. He refused to wait for them and they were only half an hour - instead he went to the pub and made them walk to the pub when they had finished. On Saturday one daughter had a dance competition and he refused to cancel a football match he was playing in (he’s 50) to take so I made alternative plans for her but asked him to pick up the other daughter at 5.15 after her dance lesson. I phoned home and he said he hadn’t gone to get her his dad had and then they were meeting in the pub. Well I lost it at that stage. There is no reason why he couldn’t get her, he just wanted to be in the pub with his mates. My kids hate the pub. I never ask him to do much of the collecting but I’m devastated that he can’t put the pub on hold to do the right thing by his kids. Today when I got back no one was in. Husband has taken daughter to the pub. We are not speaking and his friends say I am unreasonable for being cross. Am I unreasonable?

Broken123 Sun 28-Apr-19 20:17:45

Am I being unfair? I have two children and I do everything for them. Husband won’t go to their dance shows, parents evenings or generally engage with them. I was away for the weekend for someone’s hen party and for once he had to be in charge. He had already been to the pub three times in the week and on the Friday had to take them to dance practice. He refused to wait for them and they were only half an hour - instead he went to the pub and made them walk to the pub when they had finished. On Saturday one daughter had a dance competition and he refused to cancel a football match he was playing in (he’s 50) to take so I made alternative plans for her but asked him to pick up the other daughter at 5.15 after her dance lesson. I phoned home and he said he hadn’t gone to get her his dad had and then they were meeting in the pub. Well I lost it at that stage. There is no reason why he couldn’t get her, he just wanted to be in the pub with his mates. My kids hate the pub. I never ask him to do much of the collecting but I’m devastated that he can’t put the pub on hold to do the right thing by his kids. Today when I got back no one was in. Husband has taken daughter to the pub. We are not speaking and his friends say I am unreasonable for being cross. Am I unreasonable?

mathanxiety Sun 28-Apr-19 20:20:37

You are married to an alcoholic, Broken123.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

You can repost your post (copy and paste it) in a thread of your own, in Relationships. You will get some good advice there.

Copy your post, go here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships, click on Start a New Thread, and Paste your post.

BJ1978 Thu 02-May-19 09:21:03

She doesn't kiss her on the lips I have an issue with ANYONE kissing a child on the lips ever. Children have weaker immune systems than us and viruses such as herpes etc can be deadly to young children or even last them a lifetime of coldsores. That is besides the point you have stated "I don’t feel I am paying my nanny to give DC all the physical affection I instinctively give." It is normal for someone who cares for a young child most of the time to grow to love that child. It is fair to assume that anyone who feels affection/love for your DC is going to show that affection just as you do...instinctively. I feel you are jealous because you feel she is acting the way a mother (or parent/carer) of a young child would but that is just what she is...the carer of a young child. You could have a Nanny who is cold and indifferent/professional towards your DC which has actually been shown to cause all sorts of psychological problems later in life. You should feel lucky not jealous. If you say something chances are you will permanently damage the relationship you have with your nanny and she may move on to find a family who appreciates her more. Children NEED affection it is part of their social development requirements. If it really bothers you that much perhaps look after your child yourself until they start school and a nanny would be required to have less time/interaction with them.

my2bundles Thu 02-May-19 10:11:16

Your child sees the nanny as a loved family member, his main carer If you employ a nanny to work with your child for this length of time you need to understand beforehand that this us how tne relationship will work. I worked as a nanny almost 30 years ago and the eldest child age 3-6was closer to me than his mother because he spent more than 3 times the amount of time with me. Was I supposed to not show this tiny child any affection during the majority of his life?

ReganSomerset Thu 02-May-19 10:29:37

Maybe switch to a nursery gradually if it really bothers you. When I was researching child care, one of the stated negatives was that the nanny and child may well develop a very close bond and, in cases where they had a nanny from a very young age and more hours than they spend with their parents, they may seem to prefer the nanny. I do think just firing the nanny outright would be emotionally damaging to the child in this instance.

cinderfeckinrella Fri 03-May-19 05:52:26

@Priscilla. What a shame for your children. Are you having a laugh! Why because I'd rather they didn't get germs or herpes? I was with my children when they were little and still am. I only work 2 days a week so I CAN be with them for the remaining 5 and keep registered in my profession and pay bills. Not some cruel person who doesn't spend time with her own children. I also have friends. Of course I kiss my own children all the time but I don't go about kissing other people's children or children I am in care of on a professional basis as expected. I hug them and am affectionate to friends children but don't kiss them and none of my friends kiss my children either, it's unnecessary. Get of your SAHM high horse

SusieQ5604 Fri 03-May-19 06:05:16

OP you need a therapist.

cinderfeckinrella Fri 03-May-19 06:10:25

@PriscillaLydiaSellon also there's a big difference between kissing someone's knee better if they're hurt and kissing them on the face/lips without the child seeking the affection. It's not to do with how we want our friends to behave around our children. My friends are affectionate to my kids as I am to theirs but OP is about nannies and people who are paid to look after children. Which is the whole reason for op's post. I teach in a school and we cuddle children all the time but I've never seen teachers kissing children and wouldn't expect to.

Noonooyou Fri 03-May-19 07:07:41

This is why I loved teaching in Spain so much. Seeing all the Spanish people greeting the children with a kiss on each cheek just felt so lovely. Much more relaxed. People in this country have such a backwards view on kissing. I'm not about to go kissing kids on the lips who aren't my own but a little kiss on the cheek is nothing.

marycanter Fri 03-May-19 07:59:38

This is the hardest part of being a nanny - the jealousy of usually mothers.
Children know who their parents are and love them.
And nannies are very different from nursery workers.

marycanter Fri 03-May-19 08:00:53

cinder teachers have a very different relationship to kids than a nanny. A nanny often spends 10 plus hours a day with one child.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 03-May-19 08:41:59

"When I was researching child care, one of the stated negatives was that the nanny and child may well develop a very close bond and, in cases where they had a nanny from a very young age and more hours than they spend with their parents, they may seem to prefer the nanny."

How is this a negative though? Of course, a child will form a bond with its primary caregiver.

jellyfish70 Fri 03-May-19 17:26:10

I'm not about to go kissing kids on the lips who aren't my own but a little kiss on the cheek is nothing.

Only in a culture where that is standard greeting and the children know it and expect it.

cinderfeckinrella Fri 03-May-19 19:12:01

@marycanter I agree, was trying to highlight that there are clear rules for working with children in schools but less clear rules for nannies at home. I also worked as an au pair abroad when I was younger and had a great relationship with the family. I worked and lived with them and their 5 children. The Mum set out clear expectations, in writing,of my role so knew exactly where I stood.

ReganSomerset Fri 03-May-19 19:51:56

@Gwenhwyfar

Some people may consider it to be a negative as they want to be the most important adult in their child's life. Also because of potential for the emotional harm when that important attachment figure disappears at some point in childhood.

Gwenhwyfar Fri 03-May-19 23:05:22

"Some people may consider it to be a negative as they want to be the most important adult in their child's life."

Only if they're selfish people.

"because of potential for the emotional harm when that important attachment figure disappears at some point in childhood."

Better to have loved and lost as they say. A parent can also leave the family home.

forestafantastica Fri 03-May-19 23:13:01

I guess think about the alternative - your DC spending the majority of their awake time with someone who doesn't show them affection or make them feel loved and protected. I feel like that would be more damaging.

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly Sat 04-May-19 17:14:18

Haven't read the full thread but I do find your reaction a bit strange. Slightly different for me but I am a paediatric nurse so obviously deal with upset babies and kids all the time, especially coming out of anaesthesia. I cuddle them and rock them, massage their bellies and stroke their heads, sing to them, wrap them and me up in blankets and hold them close, anything it takes to provide them with comfort and a feeling of safety until mum or dad gets there (I obviously don't kiss them). But whenever the parent comes into the room and sees me caring for their baby in this way and them nice and settled, their relief is palpable and several mums have thanked me for caring for their little one like they were my own. When you take care of children, affection in an appropriate form should be natural and isn't something to be jealous of and is usually good for the child, kids need love and affection, it seems cruel to withhold it. I could not bear to see a distressed child in my care and not immediately pick them up and cuddle them.

ReganSomerset Sat 04-May-19 22:31:30

Better to have loved and lost as they say. A parent can also leave the family home.

Generaliy, a parent doesn't leave never to return. If they do, it's very traumatic for the child.

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