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AIBU?

Advice for friend who's the OW

70 replies

Diddledumdiddledee · 25/04/2019 16:44

I'm meeting my friend tomorrow for a catch up. I haven't seen her in a while and I've heard from someone else that she's now in a relationship with someone 10-15 years older who's married with kids.

It's possible she'll confide in me about this relationship, so if she does, what can I say to discourage her from this relationship? I guess it's her life and she can do what she wants, but I've always been a bit of a sister figure over the years so I think she'd value my input.

Last year she broke up with a long term partner because she didn't feel ready to settle down. She lost her sister suddenly at a young age, so perhaps that's affected her attitude to relationships?

What can I say, or should I just keep my nose out?

OP posts:

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Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 16:48

You can give her all the advise in the world but she will make her own mind up about him. As someone who has been the OW, listen, advise if she asks but I think you know as well as I do, anything you say will fall on deaf ears. It's funny, because my brother dying suddenly made me straighten up and get to grips with life. But after a relationship break down and the death of her sibling, she is probably looking for comfort in all the wrong places

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 16:49

*Advice

Damn phone

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/04/2019 16:50

Well, as she wil just switch off if you go too far just tell her that you worry for her, how it will turn out, but that you won't judge and will be there whatever happens.

Then change the subject.

Uless you know the man and/or his wife... that gets far trickier!

MyToothPain · 25/04/2019 16:52

Agreed that any “discouraging the relationship” will probably fall on deaf ears.

Iiwy, I’d tell her that you’ve heard about it. And try to counsel some discretion. If you care for her, try to stop her being “outted” (or even doing it herself!) as the OW.

CaravanHero · 25/04/2019 16:54

‘Stop being such a cunt and leave married men alone’.

Bishbashthrash · 25/04/2019 16:55

You could tell her to stop being such a bitch. I'd also encourage her to tell this utter shits poor DW.

I couldn't even be friends with someone who is sleeping with a married man... yuck!

Weebitawks · 25/04/2019 16:56

Yes, tell her to leave those poor, defenceless married men alone

CaravanHero · 25/04/2019 16:58

Yes, tell her to leave those poor, defenceless married men alone

Wouldn’t quite go that far

But the fact that the husband’s also an utter cheating scumbag cunt doesn’t make her less of one.

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 17:00

Stop being such a cunt and leave married men alone

Well that didn't take long

randomchap · 25/04/2019 17:02

Is the person who told you she was seeing a married man a reliable source? Could it be that someone is shit stirring and bullshitting for their own reasons?

If it is true then you need to decide whether you want to keep her in your life.

Saavhi · 25/04/2019 17:02

I would personally tell her to get some self-respect and morals.

AguerosAngel · 25/04/2019 17:03

Tell her to stop being a cunt.

Said as a grown up DD of a DF who couldn’t keep it in his pants and had a thing for OW’s.

HowardSpring · 25/04/2019 17:04

Just be a freind to her. You are not the moral police.

CaravanHero · 25/04/2019 17:04

Don’t know what other advice you could give an OW or OM tbh Raffles 🤷🏻‍♀️

SoupDragon · 25/04/2019 17:04

‘Stop being such a cunt and leave married men alone’.

This. In the context of the OP and her friend, the behaviour of the cheating scumbag of a husband is irrelevant. The "poor defenceless married men" comment is pathetic.

Margot33 · 25/04/2019 17:07

It's none of your business.

Ellisandra · 25/04/2019 17:07

I wouldn’t mention it. If she did (either just him, or the OW situation) I’d say “look, I’ve heard it’s an affair. I can’t agree with that, and quite aside from the fact it’s wrong, I don’t like to think of you not having a real relationship. You’re my friend and I love you. But it’s not something I’m prepared to give airtime to.”

And move on.

I have stayed friends with women having affairs. But I would not listen either to their complaints, or happy tales of love.

MorrisZapp · 25/04/2019 17:08

There's not much you can say. Shaggers gonna shag! I've been through similar. Shagee has effectively been dumped, man got very nervous about being rumbled.

She still isn't over it, it has affected her deeply, despite being a 'bit of fun' that never really got off the ground.

Must admit I did listen to it all, somewhat agog. Made Dr Foster look like the Bunty annual. But these things don't often end well.

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 17:09

They are both as bad as eachother. She is clearly going through some emotional crap right now, so her friend calling her a "Cunt" and to get some self respect is not what she needs. There is never an excuse for this behaviour, but she needs to see the situation for what it is, herself. Being judged or lectured will not speed that process along.

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 17:10

I’d say nothing and wouldn’t ask, and if she talked about it would express strong disapproval of her choice and ask her not to talk to me about it again.

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 17:11

Having emotional “baggage” and having had bad things happen doesn’t excuse unethical behavioir affecting others.

Macandcheese05 · 25/04/2019 17:13

remind her that whatever sob story hes spun her regarding his wife, the wife is still the person who he has kids with, wakes up with, plans his future with and takes to events on his arm. tell her shes worth more.

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Fairenuff · 25/04/2019 17:15

Try and find out who he is and tell the wife.

Redleopard · 25/04/2019 17:16

I’m always surprised at how friendships work with some posters on here. I hate cheating, I’ve been cheated on countless times and it’s nearly destroyed me. But I blamed my partner every time, no one else.
I love my friends, even if they make poor choices, I’m not friends with them because of their morals and I don’t expect them to be perfect. We all make mistakes and usually for good reasons.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 25/04/2019 17:17

I wouldn’t mention it. If she did (either just him, or the OW situation) I’d say “look, I’ve heard it’s an affair. I can’t agree with that, and quite aside from the fact it’s wrong, I don’t like to think of you not having a real relationship. You’re my friend and I love you. But it’s not something I’m prepared to give airtime to.”

And move on.

Absolutely this. Gets your point across without resorting to the more extreme "stop being a cunt" responses others have suggested, which are only more likely to encourage her to withdraw into her 'me and him against the world' affair bubble.

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