To be mortified and humiliated

[WhoatemyLindtbunny]

So i'm 9 months post partum and i'm not going to lie I gained a sh*t tonne of weight. I'm quite short 5,4 and a squidge, I've no idea how much but pre preg i was a fit size 8/10. The weight gain has been odd and after been v pear shaped all my life i seem to have put on most of it across my back, shoulders, neck, chest and arms and plus i pretty much looked 6 months pregnant until about 6 weeks ago!

Anyway since Jan been doing my best with trying to make time for exercise and trying to count calories. It's been coming off steadily and really noticeably in past month and i'm down from an 18/20 to a 14/16 I've been feeling a lot more confident and DH and i have started having sex again in past few weeks - with him initiating it, (he's initiated a few times prev since DC went into own room at Xmas but I haven't been comfortable).

Sorry TMI but it's been great and i've really felt like i've been getting a sense of myself back looooong way to go but.....

Anyway Mon I got back from shopping and was just chattering saying i was happy i was in a 14 and a C cup bra but i still thought i was bigger across the back and was struggling with bras still. In a half joking half serious way he said 'oh yeah I noticed that last week when we were you know......it's kind of like a barrel'

WTAF I know i'm still fat I know i'm disproportionately big across the back/neck (oddly my stomach now looks fine to say i had an 8'6 baby!!!) but for him to say it to me and that he'd noticed it whilst we were having sex, i just feel mortified and humiliated. I just keep thinking back and dying a little inside as i thought we were having a great time and felt really sexy for the first time in forever and he was thinking i look like barrel?! Is it right I can't stop thinking about this and can't sleep.

[Dana28]

Well he was confirming what you had said and didn't realise how hurtful it was
You Need to tell him how it Made you feel

[gaggiagirl]

I would feel incredibly upset at that too. No advice but you've every right to be upset.

[SuchAToDo]

Op would you prefer he lie to you and tell you that you look sexy if he thinks you don't..after all he was only saying what you yourself already knew..(if you no you are big them, then of course he will know it too even if you have clothes on, and he will definitely know it if you are naked)

I have to admit he could have said it in a more kinder way though..he was a bit harsh

[SuchAToDo]

"know

[Alicewond]

It does sound like he was being honest and trying to make it into a joke as not to hurt you. Your choice now op

[WonderWorm]

Is he a Greek Adonis? He could have given encouragement or support or anything but instead he said while you were having sex you reminded him of a barrel.
Tell him your upset and see how he reacts. That will give you a clue as to his character.

[Halo84]

I think men,in general, are insensitive. He probably didn’t think he had hurt your feelings or confidence.

[Blondebakingmumma]

I wouldn’t want to have sex again any time soon. How awful OP 💐

[GPatz]

My husband has put on a load of weight recently (after dropping his Personal Trainer) and he knows it, is upset about it and is doing something about it. I don't feel the need to 'confirm' to him how much bigger he now is and if I did call him a barrel, he would be really hurt. I imagine saying that 'I was just bring honest' or 'would you rather I lied' would not go down well either.

Simply, just don't make crappy, unsupportive comments in the first place.

[StoppinBy]

Ouch, I can't believe he was stupid enough to say that even though he thought it. If I thought my husband had negative thoughts about my body during sex I would be so uncomfortable that we probably wouldn't have sex.

I don't think men are generally so touchy when it comes to their body and sex as women are, if he usually a caring partner then I think you need to let him know how you feel and hopefully you can work it out together.

[Alicewond]

He thought it and said it, it’s your choice now, that is unfortunately how he sees you now. You have lots of choices no 1 being to leave, no 2 being to show him you’re happy as you are, no 3 being to work on your weight. This is all your choice and you need to do what you feel comfortable with x

[mathanxiety]

I know i'm still fat I know i'm disproportionately big across the back/neck (oddly my stomach now looks fine to say i had an 8'6 baby!!!) but for him to say it to me and that he'd noticed it whilst we were having sex, i just feel mortified and humiliated. I just keep thinking back and dying a little inside as i thought we were having a great time and felt really sexy for the first time in forever and he was thinking i look like barrel?!

Tell him exactly that.

[mathanxiety]

Op would you prefer he lie to you and tell you that you look sexy if he thinks you don't

Well duh.

Of course he should have said that.

The old adage prevails - if you can't think of something good to say about someone then keep your big mouth shut.

This wouldn't have killed him. He would have easily survived without giving her the benefit of his insensitivity. He might even have had sex with his wife again some time this decade if he had.

Think before you speak -
Even if it is true,
Is it helpful?
Is it inspiring?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

[dustarr73]

You brought it up,he didnt announce it out of nowhere.He could have said it better.He was being honest.And if your dh cant be honest with you,even about how fat you are.Who can.

[Ohtherewearethen]

Gosh some people commenting here have come across quite nasty. OP I would be devastated too. A partner is supposed to love and support, not focus on ones biggest insecurity and magnify it. You know you've put on weight (whilst growing his child), he knows you've put on weight, the postman probably knows you've put on weight but you are doing something about it and starting to feel lovely again.How on earth is it helpful for your husband to mention so insensitively that he thought you resembled a barrel when you are so vulnerable. You definitely have to tell him how you feel. I doubt he meant to wound you so deeply but he has to know that he has. Well done on your weight loss so far x

[AmeriAnn]

Sometimes weight gain/loss in unusual places can maybe mean something medical. I was pear shaped for my whole life and then put weight on above the waist, especially my arms. For me my upper body weight gain happened when I was diagnosed with an inflammatory auto-immune disease and started taking steroids.

Someone I know had a nice shaped bum all her life. Even if she starved herself until her ribs stuck out, her bum was still there, the same size. Then within three months her bum was no more. It vanished. Hung like a deflated balloon. During the same time frame her doctors noticed one of her eyes was bulging and she was diagnosed with Graves disease - hyperthyroidism. I'm sure it was related.

[FabulouslyFab]

Congratulations on your weight loss - you are doing really well!
Your hubby is a numpty saying what he did. Just let him know that it hurt you (even though he was just confirming your comments) and move on.
Don’t let one silly remark spoil thing for you.
💐

[Bluntness100]

I think as you said it first, he basically just thoughtlessly confirmed it. It wasn't the best thing to say, but I doubt it was done maliciously.

He had three options here, like to you, say nothing, confirm it. He chose honesty, I assume without thinking. And there are pros and cons associated with that.

Some people would prefer their partner lied. Others prefer honesty as then you can always rely on what they say, it really is down to thr individual.

[mathanxiety]

He was being honest.And if your dh cant be honest with you,even about how fat you are.Who can.

But why should he be honest above all other considerations?

Why is this honesty so important?

Does honesty trump all other values in this situation?

What about kindness?

What about naked self interest on his part?

Since when has stating the bleeding obvious been such a valuable contribution to a relationship that It. Must. Be. Stated?

A partner is supposed to love and support, not focus on ones biggest insecurity and magnify it.
^^ This

[NerrSnerr]

As you had mentioned it first he probably didn't realise how it would upset you. My husband and I both go up and down in size and are both honest about it- not in a mean way but if I tell my husband I have put weight on he'll comment how it's only on my stomach etc. It's factual and not meant as hurtful.

[dustarr73]

But why should he be honest above all other considerations?

Because she brought it up first.And as i aid he could have put it in a nicer way.
So hes supposed to say nothing negative at all.If she brings it up again,whats he supposed to say.

[Lockheart]

Honestly it sounds thoughtless but not malicious. I'd tell him it upset you.

[Bluntness100]

But why should he be honest above all other considerations?

This is down to the individual. Some people value honesty. Others not so much. They will put other values above it, and prefer dishonesty. We are all different.

However in this context it simply sounds like a thoughtless comment he made in response to the op stating it first. It was clearly not intended to wound. Even though it did.

[Coolcoolcoolcoolcool]

Is 'accidentally' insulting you something he does often?

[WhoatemyLindtbunny]

I don't think it was said maliciously, and even if he was just 'confirming' what I had said which I do sort of know he was, it was a) that he was so very unkind about how he said it and b) that he only noticed it and chose to tell he'd only noticed it when we were having sex. Sex that i thought we'd both been enjoying but clearly not on his part that's why I feel so humiliated.

There's absolutely no way I can contemplate sex again now (I'm cringing at the thought) and I'm honestly worried that he might stray.