Another SIL one, AIBU?(35 Posts)
Hey everyone newbie here, apologies for the rant but need to get this off my chest.
So DH & I had my SIL, her son, my sister & her DP over the Easter weekend. Initially it was only for one evening but SIL didn’t want to leave & stayed longer. She’s done this before on a few occasions.
As per usual she turned up empty handed. That didn’t bother me so much. What bothered me was that she invited herself to stay longer which meant I ended up cooking 3 meals a day for 3 whole days & not once did she offer to help cook/clean up or wash her dirty dishes. On two nights I tried to put her dirty mugs in the dishwasher before going to bed but she said she was still drinking the tea only for me to find the cup with the same amount of tea left in the morning but now there’s tea stains which I had to scrub to get out in the morning along with her dirty tissues/mess she left on the dining table. AIBU here?
On top of that my sister & her DP bought me my favourite chocs & some sweet treats & guess who ate most of them? I only had one piece & DH didn’t even have any, saw all the empty wrappers near SIL’s dinner plate. My sister & her DP volunteered to help me clear up & washed their own dishes a few times. They left both after one evening.
Honestly I just feel like they are not that nice towards me or DH. I mentioned this to DH but we end up arguing over it after he dropped them home, took him 4 hours in total to drop them & get home. I’m dreading the summer as she’s already invited herself to tag along with us on holiday & invited herself & her sons over for Christmas (she’s divorced) my DH didn’t say no so I didn’t feel like I could say no, what would you have done?
You need to speak to your DH about the holiday/Christmas. I wouldn't dream of inviting myself along. Set some strong boundaries and don't let her take the piss. Hand her the dish cloth next time and tell her she's on washing up duty. She's a CF.
Called her out on her CF behaviour. Tell her to clear up after herself, say to her "oh your turn to do breakfast this morning SIL" just don't cook for her, starve her out.
Oh and a definite no on the summer holiday!
Plan a different holiday and Christmas. Take yourself and DC away. Let DH deal with her.
he’s already invited herself to tag along with us on holiday
This is ridiculous. You need to tell DH you're not happy with that if it's not already booked I would back out. You also need to not put yourself out so much when she's there. Don't cook three meals a day. No one needs breakfast cooking they can make themselves toast, sandwiches for lunch and a simple dinner. I would also straight up ask her for a bit of help.
No to summer holiday, no to Christmas, and NO to cooking 3 meals a day.
"Morning SIL - you know where everything is - help yourself to breakfast. Put your things in the dishwasher and switch it on when you're done. Thanks."
Why can’t you say no?
Why can’t you say well let you know when you can come or tell her to leave as you have other visitors coming (even if you don’t?)
Why isn’t your partner on your side?
Why do you let her get away with doing so little?
If she didn’t get waited on hand and foot she probably wouldn’t come.
Ask her to bring stuff.
Send her an itemised list from Waitrose. Be specific. Tell her no alternatives will do.
Or as another poster says, starve her out.
Have you tried making your DH responsible for the extra work? Maybe if he has the extra work (cooking, cleaning, etc) he will be more likely to see the issue and less likely to agree to future visits!
She’s a single mum looking for somewhere where she can relax for a few days .
I wouldn’t be that bothered about her behaviour , as long as she seems nice otherwise .
Be kind and if you feel strongly , ask her to help wash up .
Your sibling and her other half don’t sound like they have children , or perhaps the pressures she does .
At the same time you don’t have to spend all your holidays with her . Come to an. Agreement with your other half on that
She might well want somewhere to 'relax for a few days' but why is this OP's responsibility to provide free of charge>
Does OP really have to bend over backwards accommodating this CF because she's a lone parent? It's not a free pass you know! Does having a child in tow absolve you from lifting a finger when someone has been kind enough to put you up at a moment's notice?
She's taking the piss.
And she'll only stop if you say 'no'.
So grow a pair and do so!
I am so sick of people half assing it on here - whingeing about feckin in-laws showing up etc ad nauseum, eating and drinking etc but all you do is pine on here and don't speak up!
She is rude and entitled. Who turns up without anything? A bottle of wine, or snacks or flowers. Even a single parent can afford a box of chocolates if she is having all meals cooked and paid for during her stay.
Her behaviour leaves a lot to be desired, I wouldn't accept dirty tissues and half filled coffee cups left on the table my 12 olds certainly from a grown up guest. Why didn't you say something - silent seething doesn't work with these people. You have to call the out on it. Give her a task. Your turn to empty the dishwasher. Your turn to cook a meal etc. People like your SIL never volunteer. And don't put your nice chocolates out when she is around.
You have to cancel her coming in your holiday. It won't be a holiday for you. If your DH chooses her over you then refuse to go - visit a friend or relative or go on a nice trip and let your DH run around after and paying for her. Same for Christmas. It'll be a great Christmas/New Year (because she will probably stay) for her but twice the work, stress and expense for you. Again if your DH insists - why don't you go and stay with her then.
Thanks for all your replies.
I have asked SIL to help wash up before but she only did it the once & ended up breaking a wine glass & making such a mess. When I asked her again DH told her not to worry about it & that he would do it but he just left them & went to bed, I can’t leave dirty dishes & food sitting out over night so I ended up doing it.
Spoke to DH about it this morning & as predicted it turned into a full blown argument where he said I was being unreasonable & accused me of alienating him from seeing his family & not liking his family. I told him how I can like them when they’re not that nice to me. I lost my mum last year & neither of them said anything even when she said her other sons were disappointed they weren’t invited over for Christmas & I said I was still grieving to which she said oh yeah & then changed the subject.
Anyways back to DH, he said that I didn’t have to do everything to which I said if I don’t who will cos you never help. I suggested for him to go over to her place for Christmas & go on holiday with her himself and he said he won’t do that cos he should be able to invite his family to our house. I told him if she’s coming over for Christmas I will spend Christmas with one of my siblings instead to which he said maybe you should.
Honestly I have tried my best to be kind to her, I feel bad that she’s divorced, her youngest son is 19. All of them chose to live her their dad so she is clearly lonely.
I will just have to grow a pair & stop being so hospitable.
There's no way I would let her tag along on my holiday or just invite herself for Christmas at mine. I would have just told her that the holiday is time out from everything for me and DH and, when she mentioned Christmas I would have just laughed and said "you cheeky devil. We're the ones in charge of invites to ours and we haven't made our Christmas plans yet".
You say your husband didn't say no so you didn't feel you could but did either of you actually say yes?
You really need assertive classes to teach you how to say no. When you and your DH argued what were his views on it?
I think its more your husband that's being unreasonable, sorry. There is a massive gap between spending xmas and holidays with his sister and you stopping him seeing her and not liking her! So it's very unfair that he wont see your point of view, and accuses you of things that aren't true and wont compromise at all.
I'd ask him what hes planning to do to make sure that he spends time with his sister and still has time alone with his family on holiday? What's he planning to do to make sure it isn't loads more work for you?
I think I'd invite her down for one night and make it clear you have something else on after so she has to go back. Get a takeaway and get your husband to cook other meals. If he really wants her on holiday see if you can reach a compromise such as spending a long weekend with her and a week just your family. Encourage him to go and visit her alone or with your kids. Visit at her house for a change and dont lift a finger to help - at least you might get a rest
Is he from a culture where the eldest son is supposed to look after the rest of the family?
Just seen your update OP. I'm so sorry for you loss and cannot understand why neither of them said anything to you about your loss. That is not normal behaviour. It can take a long time to come to terms with the loss of a parent.
I'm sorry Marshmellow but your husband sounds awful. He needs to be told it isn't his house, it is your home too. Do you just invite people to visit without consulting him?
SIL's youngest son is 19? Bloody hell, I thought you were talking about kids.
How do you feel about your husband in general? Is he generally dismissive of your feelings or is he just angry about this and will calm down and you'll be able to talk properly later?
I think if I didn't have great support from my partner when I lost my mum then I'd kick him out of my life. How a partner behaves when you really need emotional support is very telling.
Have you got anyone/anywhere you could visit for a few days to be able to work out what you want from life? It might do you and your partner some good to spend some time apart.
Holidays? "Sorry, we've already made our arrangements" (even if it's a white lie). Christmas? "It's your turn to host this year, SIL. Which day would you like us to arrive? We'll be with you for 3 days so make sure you get enough food in!"
Your DH can’t have it both ways.
Of course he should be able to invite his family to his home, and of course he feels protective to his Dsis. But tell him you can’t support him in this if you end up doing all the heavy lifting.
Tell him it isn’t personal, you have nothing against his Dsis, just that if you spend the bank holiday cooking cleaning and catering for her and her adult sons, when do you get your holiday?
It is unreasonable to expect to include her in a family holiday, but reasonable to have a family Christmas. Just be clear: these are the meals you will shop and cater for, these are the meals that you will not. And stick to it. A firm but polite “not sure what is for lunch and dinner, not my shift today, who’s cooking?”
I would definitely say no to her tagging along on holiday. It would spoil it for you and defeat the point of having a holiday. What's annoying is DH not backing you up!
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