Why can't I be happy for others?(94 Posts)
Just that really? (not really an AIBU, but I couldn't find a more suitable home).
Anyway,,,, When people I know have good news, even those closest to me (with the exception of my family) there is always some underlying feeling of not being happy for them and god forbid being jealous?? It's a horrible feeling and absolutely stupid because it's usually relating to things I've already done... I.e.....
- Someone's engaged. I was engaged and I'm now married. But In the back of my head, "what if the ring is nicer, the wedding better, their day is more about them than mine was about me?"
-Someone's pregnant. I was pregnant and have a beautiful son. But hearing this I want to be pregnant again, have a newborn again.
-Someone's bought a house. I own a house. Brain is still a bitch.
You get the gist....
I guess my question is, do I need to speak to someone about this?
I really don't think I'm an intrinsically narcissistic, selfish person, but I just can't turn this bit of my brain off and I hate it!
Why am I always comparing and jealous? Does it hark to deeper insecurities I need to address or is it a natural thing?
Any advice would be appreciated
Tbh I think this is fairly natural BUT tends to come out more when you’re unhappy. I had a terrible couple of years where everything went wrong and I was an extreme of this- so bitter and dismissive and belittling of others. When life turned around it pretty much went. Could it be that?
Besides having a house, a marriage and a baby how is your life in other areas? Are you happily married? Do you like where you live?
I can feel the same if there is another area of my life which isn't great and I project. I also feel like I want to go back to the excitement of a wedding, new baby and new house which brings out the jealousy.
I also suffer with depression and do not have these feelings when I'm on top of my medication and in a happy place.
I find I always need something to plan or be excited about, and again I don't feel this way if I'm in the middle of my own things.
I've learnt to tell myself to stop being a bitch and get over myself (but I wouldn't dream of saying that to you).
Hmmm I'm sceptical of this post !
I could admire your honesty but we all know people like this and we know it's because you are unhappy and you can't be happy for others .
Tbh I'm surprised someone would admit that though.
Are you talking about someone else ?
Honestly....you're either quite unhappy, very low self esteem or you're not very nice...
I'm 100% talking about myself.
I am happily, newly married, adore my new house, love my job, and whilst I've been struggling a bit with motherhood (PND) of course my baby is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
The only place I think I am unhappy is physically; cliche but I'm a size heavier than before my baby and I don't feel particularly attractive.
I do have depression and this can manifest in and be worsened by feeling insecure, but I am on meds for this. It's so bizarre. I got some good news recently about a close friend and I'm over the moon for him now, but my first thought was as above...
@BumpIntheNite , to say I'm not very nice when I've created an honest post, asking for advice to see where I can make a change is very hurtful.
I think your just being honest and those people that say they never think that way are not being honest with themselves.
If I may add, I NEVER verbalise this feeling or let it show, it is usually very very fleeting, almost like a subconscious feeling, but it's still there, hence my post.
I totally get this and I think it's far more common than people let on. Often you can tell that others have these feeling too, by the way they react to others' news, but most would never admit it, even to themselves.
I tend to feel like this when people are successful in areas where I am not. For example, I find it very hard to be happy for people who announce pregnancies, as after years of infertility it just hurts that it's not me. However I am where I want to be career-wise, so can genuinely be happy for people who get promoted/do well in their careers.
Is your life just feeling a bit lacklustre and you feel like their wedding/kids will somehow be more fulfilling than yours?
@BabyBadger2 , you may be right. I'm so happy, but maybe am a bit lonely. Moved to a new area, DH on shifts so I'm either working or looking after my baby and have yet to make any close friends around here. Time to focus on this maybe? X
Oh OP I understand you. I'm rarely 100% happy for others and always wonder how their situation impacts on mine, I've accepted I'm a completely selfish cow.
I'm happy for people if their achievement isn't something I'd like for myself, so I'd never be jealous of someone climbing Kilamanjaro for instance. But I'd be envious if someone I know moved into a nicer house than mine, or even if their child achieved something mine hadn't. I'm 99% happy for them, but 1% seething with a completely irrational jealousy.
I admitted this to a friend recently when we'd had a few drinks, she said she's exactly the same. So there are at least 3 of us honest enough to admit it
@Wingingit9212 I absolutely don't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm really sorry.
I suppose I just can't identify with what you say as I've always genuinely felt happy for friends with good news.
Maybe I'm the weird one?
Sounds like PND is affecting your ability to react to joy. Are you minimising it?
I think we all feel the green eyed monster occasionally when perhaps a neighbour retires with several million at fifty or someone uses a private jet to go on holiday.
I don’t think it’s usual to always feel)Aeolus and not feel others joy. I can’t imagine not smiling when someone tells me they are expecting after years of trying, when I see the happiness a beautiful engagement ring brings or when exam results bring huge relief.
Depression can dull your ability to empathise. I do wonder if you are more unwell than you think?
@CherryPavlova yes it could be. It's not so much my PND now, I've just returned to my 'standard' class of depression after birth, but sometimes I have questioned whether I'm on a high enough dose. Not sure if you may have seen below, but I do always end up feeling joyful, it tends to be a subconscious feeling, or a negative gremlin feeling lurking under my happiness. I'll have a look into some talking therapy maybe x
I think this is really refreshingly honest and I think deep down it might boil down to a competitive nature without a good outlet for it.
Is there any area of your life your not totally happy with OP? It's really easy to lose your identity as a new mum.
Or maybe your life is just 'settled' nicely and you aren't striving towards a goal?
It's not unusual to be very happy with life but still have areas where you feel unfulfilled.
I'll admit to feeling this way too, sometimes. Like Babyshark, i think it depends on whether it's something I'd like for myself.
Also, with weddings, babies etc., I think it's partly that I'm sad that, exciting, part of my life is over. I'm happy with my DH and have 2 happy healthy DC but life has been very samey for the past 5 years.
I think this is a very difficult thing to be honest about, and an interesting topic for a thread. I bet you are actually a really nice person because you are able to face these feelings, and recognise and describe them with insight.
Fully agree with a PP that it's competitiveness and Completely natural and most people feel it.
Can you re-name it as envy - so in my head
jealousy is an emotion where you wish the other person didn't have the nice thing (so it's an ugly reaction) you want it to be spoilt for them and wish them bad Ill.
Being envious, however, is a completely natural reaction where you still wish them well and are happy for them but you wish it was you feeling the happiness or excitement or getting the gift or reward.
I am terrible for jealousy (and will admit this as my biggest failing), although I will always hide it away inside myself when faced with others' good news. Usually though, I get it for things others have that I don't. I am much better recently as I tell myself every time that comparison is the thief of joy, and count my blessings to feel better. I have honestly found that helps. But perhaps it also helps that I feel more settled and happier in myself recently, so I agree with pp - how are you feeling generally?
Have a look at Lucy Sheridan on Instagram. Very helpful.
I'll tell you something that sounds so fucking stupid...
I have the same raging jealousy if someone announces their pregnancy...I'm bloody pregnant! I just don't understand it. I can't seem to be happy for them but insanely jealous of them! WTAF
I think it's common OP, I have had times like this in the past and sometimes still do! I don't think you're a bad person at all!
I think this is a good thread to have. I think a lot of people including myself) can struggle with this and are ashamed to admit it. For me, it depends on my life at the time. Right now, I’m happy and excited for anyone for everything. Right now, my life is as close to how I’d like it as I imagine it will ever be.
A few years ago, I would have felt the same way about pregnancy announcements as I struggled with infertility. I felt nettled if anyone got promoted or bought a better house or car. I realised that came from insecurity and also an incorrect belief that my worth as a person was based on my professional success and the things that I owned.
Maybe look at what you really believe about who you are as a person and what is really important to you.
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