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Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

(265 Posts)
Cruelstepmother Wed 24-Apr-19 17:59:43

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

StillMe1 Sun 19-May-19 16:27:40

@ Cruelstepmother.
Hit the wrong button too soon.
That road is bad enough without a breakdown as well. What a trial to get there.

StillMe1 Sun 19-May-19 16:25:39

@ Cruelstepmother. I think I know the journey you made. If I have got it right that is one hell of a road. It is not just getting on the motorway and driving. People here probably didn't realise the journey you would be making. Well done for going. I am sure that it will have been the best decision.

JudgeRindersMinder Sun 19-May-19 09:43:55

I haven’t commented before but I have followed your thread.
What an absolute nightmare of a journey for you! However you made the righ,t decision for you, and it’ll have meant such a lot to your sister day I hope you can laugh about your journey!

SaskiaRembrandt Sun 19-May-19 09:36:11

I'm so glad you went!

Turpy Sun 19-May-19 08:59:29

Oh dear, what an awful journey. I'm very glad that you are still glad that you went.

Alsohuman Sun 19-May-19 08:41:48

So sorry it was the nightmare journey from hell and equally glad that you’re pleased you went. 💐

Nodancingshoes Sun 19-May-19 08:37:22

Sorry, just saw that you went xxx

Nodancingshoes Sun 19-May-19 08:36:28

You should go. I think you will regret it and she needs you. Can you arrange someone to care for your dh whilst you go?

ddl1 Sun 19-May-19 08:03:10

I had on;y read the first few pages before. Isee that you went, which must have been lovely for your sister. I am very sorry that you are going through this. Unless others strongly wish it, I think it is reasonable to avoid the funeral if that would make things much worse for you. Very best thoughts!

2018SoFarSoGreat Sun 19-May-19 07:13:11

Sounds like a nightmare journey. And one you will never regret. Well done ❤️

Tavannach Sun 19-May-19 04:29:08

So glad you went.

Alicewond Sun 19-May-19 04:16:43

You are correct that this is an emotional thread, the fact that we posted opinions shows that. It’s also a long thread with a response from op only an hour or so before this.

Whoops75 Sun 19-May-19 04:07:01

ddl1 & Alicewond RTFT before you post especially on such an emotional threadangry

I’m so glad you went op

I think you were very brave and selflessflowers

Alicewond Sun 19-May-19 03:33:59

Why wouldn’t you visit, surely above all other considerations she wants to see you

ddl1 Sun 19-May-19 03:29:15

Unless she or other relatives have explicitly asked you not to visit her, you should visit her. You might regret it if you don't, and it might be a comfort to her. I think that if you visit her in life, you are not obliged to go to her funeral; though if it is very important to her other family that you do so, you might try to go for their sake.

saraclara Sun 19-May-19 02:23:56

I'm so glad you went. I wanted to post on here, but realised that my own (wonderful) experience of being at the bedside of a dying loved one wouldn't necessarily be yours, so I held back. But I'm so glad to hear that you went and she was happy. What a journey though! Poor you!

WhenISnappedAndFarted Sun 19-May-19 02:20:29

Sounds like an awful journey but I'm glad you've seen her and it sounds like she was glad to see you too.

shitholiday2018 Sun 19-May-19 02:12:38

Oh gosh sorry late to party! So pleased. Well done you.

shitholiday2018 Sun 19-May-19 02:11:44

You must go. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Make sure partner is looked after and go say your goodbyes. I’m so sorry for you but you’ll utterly regret it if you don’t.

Cruelstepmother Sun 19-May-19 01:59:54

Final update: I went. It was a ferry trip from my island and a 225 mile drive. Halfway there my car started making horrendous rattling noises and the acceleration was sluggish. before I left I called the AA. Naturally, my membership had expired, so I had to join, upgrade to Relay, pay an 'additional mileage' charge because I hadn't upgraded before I started my journey, had to come back with a 7 hour journey with the car on a low-loader because I had no papers to scrap it, no time to waste waiting for it to be repaired locally and needed to just get home. The whole nightmare cost me over £500 - so thanks for your advice, everyone, because I STILL don't regret going to see my sister, who was thrilled to see me.

BlackberryandNettle Thu 02-May-19 19:48:01

Also glad you're going. Of course it will be difficult but you won't get an opportunity to do it over if you didn't go. It may be easier and healthier in the long run to face and deal with her death and funeral as they happen.

Alsohuman Thu 02-May-19 17:56:58

So pleased you’re going. 💐

Qweenbee Thu 02-May-19 16:21:25

I think you'll be pleased you made that decision. flowers

3timeslucky Thu 02-May-19 14:41:37

Thanks for updating. I'm glad you'll get to see your sister. But it'll be hard too I'm sure. You take care of yourself. flowers

Happynow001 Thu 02-May-19 05:08:16

I'm glad you are going to see your sister OP. I think, even though you shouldn't, you would still have felt guilt if you had not gone to see her whilst you could. After that would it be possible for the two of you to FaceTime/Skype when you are back home?

Regarding your husband: good he won't be entirely alone. How old is your stepson? Is there anyone more emotionally mature and responsible who could come in for an hour or two daily whilst you are away? And I guess you will talk/FaceTime him whilst you are away to you can see each other that way until you are home.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You are in an incredibly hard place: still grieving for your mother, no doubt, and trying to hold onto all the mundane life issues which still need to be dealt with as well.

Treat yourself a little kindly if only for the reason you need the physical and mental strength to keep going for yourself as well as those you love and need you. You've a lot on your plate. Take care. 🌹

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