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To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

(221 Posts)
incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:06:42

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind confused

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

Troels Wed 24-Apr-19 13:11:08

Leave it and let her get over it. You donn't need her as the birthing partner unlless you want it. Don't be guilted into it. I only had Dh both times, no use at all, but he was there and it's what I wanted.

Itscoldouthere Wed 24-Apr-19 13:12:53

Give her a bit of time to come round to the idea.
You are obviously close or it wouldn’t have been considered in the first place.
Don’t feel guilty, it’s you and your DH special time you should be able to do it together.
Tell her she can come and see the baby once it’s here.
For me it really was a special time for me and DH, no way would I have wanted anyone else involved.
Try not to let it upset you too much.

FriarTuck Wed 24-Apr-19 13:12:55

Leave it. It's a very personal experience for you & DP, not a family outing! You've done nothing wrong so don't be guilted into changing your mind.

Oldstyle Wed 24-Apr-19 13:15:47

Not speaking to you is just not acceptable. It's absolutely your decision and your mum really should be able to accept it graciously - I understand that she's disappointed but find it quite shocking that she's now guilt-tripping you with her silence.
Maybe you could just send her a note (rather than getting involved in the emotional stress of a face-to-face conversation) to say that you are really sorry to have disappointed her but you just want this to be a special occasion for you and your partner. No other explanation or apology is needed. Good luck.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 24-Apr-19 13:15:57

I'm going to be the only one who would find it peculiar to have anyone there other than your partner - unless you dont have one then you have to default to your mother/sister/aunt agnes.

Just tell her, its a deeply private experience, one you and your partner want to share, alone. But you love her and value her input, but she has to respect your choices as an adult.

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:17:12

Thanks for your replies. I haven't messaged her back since. Both of her replies were "right okay".

I know I would regret it massively if I turned round again and told her she could be there out of guilt. This is our special time together and I know I shouldn't feel bad just for putting my own wishes first.

It is difficult though as me and my mum have been quite close this pregnancy and now it just feels really awkward sad

HBStowe Wed 24-Apr-19 13:17:39

She is being really unreasonable by making your birth all about her. Give it some time and if she doesn’t get over herself, maybe point out that she’s being selfish about this and it’s not what you need.

NoSauce Wed 24-Apr-19 13:17:54

She’s probably upset because you agreed originally that she could be there, I’m confused why you said it was ok if you weren’t 100% sure.

She will hopefully come round soon enough and not hold it against you. You’re not wrong to want just your DP there either.

AlwaysCheddar Wed 24-Apr-19 13:18:46

She’s being a PITA! Don’t feel guilty, and don’t give in! She’s being a diva and selfish.

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:19:38

I think the issue goes deeper than just this. She doesn't like my MIL and it seems as though she just wants to one up her all the time and she would have loved just being to rub it in that she experienced the birth.

I can't be bothered with childish adults atm. right now my only focus is having everything prepared for the induction this weekend instead of catering to everyone else's feelings

Chancewouldbeafinethlng Wed 24-Apr-19 13:20:32

It must be hard for your mum if she’d always pictured being there, I wouldn’t judge her too harshly.
But you are right. It’s your birth and your choice. You and your partner are making your own family now, perfectly normal to want to experience this together.

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:20:55

@NoSauce I know, I wish I hadn't. But she just assumed (so did the rest of my family) and I now realise I said she could be there just to make her happy instead of putting what I wanted first.

I understand I am a bit at fault here, this is why I feel so guilty now

Runmybathforme Wed 24-Apr-19 13:21:29

SO sorry you’re having this upset, your Mum is being incredibly selfish and insensitive. I wouldn’t have dreamt of being there when my daughter gave birth. It was a very private experience for her and her husband.

LadyMonicaBaddingham Wed 24-Apr-19 13:23:33

I could not imagine anything worse than my mother (who I love dearly) being at the birth of either of my DC. The thought of it makes my flesh creep, somehow. DH was there and that's all I wanted.

HBStowe Wed 24-Apr-19 13:24:03

I’m confused why you said it was ok if you weren’t 100% sure.

Lucky you if you’ve never awkwardly agreed to something you didn’t actually want because you were put on the spot!

OP I don’t actually think you have done anything wrong. You would be entitled to change your mind at any time.

Your mum should be supporting you, not putting emotional pressure on you because you’ve deprived her of a mean opportunity to one-up your MIL. The purpose of your birth is NOT to facilitate her pettiness!

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:24:27

I did say from the start it would be lovely just me and DP meeting our son for the first time and having a little time after the birth just as a three.

I love my mum but I feel as though it would be somewhat intrusive having a 3rd person there

theruffles Wed 24-Apr-19 13:24:51

I wouldn't say anything to her - just give her a bit of time to get used to the idea and let her realise that it's not about her, but you and your DP.

My DM was very set on being there when I had my DD (mostly because she has a few friends who were in the room when their daughters gave birth) but I told her I wanted it to be just me and my DH. It took a few times of telling her gently but she understood in the end.

I think you're right to put yourself and your experience first instead of worrying about catering to niceties and worrying about what everyone else thinks/feels.

EllenRach Wed 24-Apr-19 13:25:27

It's weird they assumed - no one I know has had anyone apart from their partner there (actually now thought of one who did but very unusual circumstances). You are not doing anything wrong but she's just very disappointed. I hope she comes round soon and you can be excited together again.

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:25:57

@HBStowe thanks for your reply. That was exactly what happened.

Feeling awkward and put on the spot to say yes you can be there as well

incogneto Wed 24-Apr-19 13:26:43

I think because I am a younger mum that assumptions were made that I would need my own mum there.

letsdolunch321 Wed 24-Apr-19 13:26:52

Your mum should not be playing a point scoring game against your mil.

This is yours and dp time as a family not for all and sundry to attend.

Once home if you want a few days getting to know your baby then do that as well. I didn't allow visitors for 3 days as everyone wants to visit but doesn't think of what you/your body has gone through.

Good luck 💐

Strugglingtodomybest Wed 24-Apr-19 13:27:18

Your mum sounds very childish, does she have form for guilting you into doing what she wants?

seeingdots Wed 24-Apr-19 13:32:22

Let her stew! She's being completely unreasonable and will just have to get over it!

Seaweed42 Wed 24-Apr-19 13:32:24

The trick is when someone asks you something you always, always buy time. Just learn to pause and say 'Can I come back to you about that?'
Practise in front of the mirror. Learn it off. Because it's not going to be easy to remember to say it when your Mum and your MIL are making demands on you regarding the baby.
Like - "I could come to the hospital and wait outside the room?'. etc.
Pause and say 'Can I come back to you about that when I've thought about it'.

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