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AIBU?

To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

526 replies

rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 11:51

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 24/04/2019 11:54

I would suspect mil had no intention of returning back the same day tbh...

BertrandRussell · 24/04/2019 11:56

Did your dd have a nice time?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 24/04/2019 11:59

I don't think I'd be too fussed and some well needed rest for you rather than a four hour round trip to get them and DD getting to bed really large seems preferable. I'm assuming she picked up done nappies and washed her clothes overnight?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2019 11:59

So many thoughts... First of all, I think your MIL planned to stay over all along. Secondly, why on EARTH wouldn't you have sent along at least one extra clean outfit for an 18 month old? Children that young get filthy and wet all the time, never mind at a petting zoo. Thirdly, I personally wouldn't have been comfortable with MIL taking 3 very young children two hours away by herself on a train. Especially when one is only 18 months. I would be very concerned that it would be far too much for her to handle alone.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 24/04/2019 11:59

Late not large!

HollowTalk · 24/04/2019 12:00

I think you'll find your MIL took a little suitcase when she went.

Seeline · 24/04/2019 12:00

Is your DD used to staying with MIL?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 24/04/2019 12:00

I would be very concerned that it would be far too much for her to handle alone. and yet all involved are fine

Pardonwhat · 24/04/2019 12:01

I think your MIL planned this so you’d have some proper rest. Not the crime of the century in my opinion.
But I’m sure some posters will come along to tell you to go non contact Grin

TessaL23 · 24/04/2019 12:01

I would have enjoyed the night off tbh

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/04/2019 12:02

Tbh I’d have put the flags out and let her crack on and enjoyed the impromptu kid free time

boilersontheblink · 24/04/2019 12:03

I can see where you're coming from OP, you have no idea who this friend was and if it was a clean and safe environment for your daughter, what would MIL have done if your child had gotten upset in the night in a strange house away from her mum?

I'd have gone and collected my child and just left the others to it as clearly your MIL planned for this to happen.

Geminijes · 24/04/2019 12:05

The park is 2 hours drive away, you said they were catching the 5.30 train and you expected them back at 6pm....Timings seem odd.

Your daughter was with her Grandparent, stayed overnight at a friend's house and was looked after. You don't mention your daughter being upset so, personally, I don't see what the problem is.

PregnantSea · 24/04/2019 12:05

Yep, have to agree with other poster's that your MIL planned to keep her anyway. Even if she didn't plan it, she probably didn't try too hard to get that train and then when she missed it she thought it would be fun to have a little sleepover with your DD.

endofthelinefinally · 24/04/2019 12:06

I think the fact that you are feeling ill and are pregnant is a factor in this and completely understandable.
Either MIL genuinely missed the train, or she planned to stay O/N all the time. The first is reasonable, the second really isn't.
If you trusted her to take your DD away for the day, she was probably safe enough to keep her O/N, but I can understand why you are upset.
(What I mean is, I couldn't trust my MIL to look after my toddler in my own house or garden, so if she had taken him anywhere I would have been furious).
Maybe your DH could have a word and establish the facts?

UCOinanOCG · 24/04/2019 12:07

Unless OP drip feeds about her MIL having many unsavoury friends with terrible homes i don't think where they stayed is an issue. Surely most DGP's make sure their GC are kept safe in the same way that they kept their own DC safe?

I can see it would have been a bit annoying given you were expecting them back the same day but i don't think it is worth falling out over. I assume your DD had a lovely time with her GM and her cousins and that is the main thing.

Goldmandra · 24/04/2019 12:07

It does sound awfully like she planned this. It may have been to give you a break but that isn't her decision to make.

You don't just keep hold of someone's child without their permission, whatever your motivation.

If there was ever a hint of a repeat performance, all future visits would be with me in tow. No way would she get to take her out alone again.

wibbleee · 24/04/2019 12:10

mmmm I smell a rat here too. mil planned the sleepover methinks....

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/04/2019 12:10

I would have asked for the address and gone to collect my DC. I wouldn't want mine in a strange house without me. Did she refuse to tell you and hung up on you? Because I would be very unhappy if that's what happened. Or did the conversation end amicably?
I don't think it's right to keep a child out overnight if the parents aren't entirely comfortable with it.

rostronlorn · 24/04/2019 12:11

*4:30 train they were meant to catch. I find it odd she missed the train as she isn't very scatty and she's hardly short of money so I don't understand not getting a taxi.

The friend's are loaded (they own an adventure farm ffs) and from what I've seen on Facebook their house is very big and I was worried about DD in unfamiliar surroundings. I know she was being looked after by grandma but it didn't sit right with me. Though maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones

OP posts:
wibbleee · 24/04/2019 12:11

I`d have been very cross with the with holding of an address. the trust would be gone.

Whitegrenache · 24/04/2019 12:11

Wow I'd be super happy with a break and a night on my own

MIL are not the devil and will take super good care of a child - you can also buy nappies and wash clothes so that's not a reason to be cross

Probably you are feeling hormonal and sick so I'd let it go

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endofthelinefinally · 24/04/2019 12:11

If it turns out she deliberately misled you, she needs to be told that subjecting you deliberately to worry and stress is cruel and unnecessary. Especially when you are pregnant and feeling rough.

LucyAutumn · 24/04/2019 12:11

Not really anything to do with your AIBU but you do know that you, as well as not feeling up for it, you should stay clear of farms at the moment due to it being lambing season which is a high risk for infections/ pregnant women?

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/pregnancy/why-should-pregnant-women-avoid-sheep-during-the-lambing-season/

Back to your post, I also think she planned it OP. It's not on how she hung up on you and repeatedly batted you down.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/04/2019 12:13

Why wouldn't a GP be able to cope with 3 children for crying out loud. Not all GPs are in their 80s its quite possible she is under 50 and even more possibe she is under 60. I dont know anybody of that age that is incapable of safely looking after 3 kids for a day or 2.

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