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What would you do? CF boyfriend?

(157 Posts)
owlettafeather Wed 24-Apr-19 10:17:43

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

Elloduckie Thu 02-May-19 11:46:00

ARE YOU A THERAPIST TO BE DEALING WITH HIS DEPRESSION? GET Rid before he makes you seriously Ill as well OP

qazxc Thu 02-May-19 11:30:44

I have depression so can understand how overwhelming it is and how even the smallest tasks can appear like scaling everest.
However had I come into a lot of money in his situation my first thought would have been to pay you back for all the money you paid for his share of the living expenses, not buying myself expensive and unnecessary gift.
I would also be either giving up my hobby as I couldn't afford it. I mean it is only common sense that any money that comes goes into a household first goes on bills and then, if there is some left over, hobbies.

Prequelle Thu 02-May-19 11:19:53

I get people not being able to work because of mental illness, I've got depression and bipolar so yes I get it... but what would he have done were you not paying his way? This may sound harsh but I bet he would have managed to get through it and work.

KittyInTheCradle Thu 02-May-19 11:16:40

For comparison, I supported my family for a short time. My partner had no income at all. He got given £100 for his birthday present from parents. What did he do with it? Bought me my favourite dinner, did a food shop and got some things we needed for the house. That's the decent person's response.

I'm actually really bothered by this TV thing! Probably because I've been in a financially abusive relationship previously, so these things piss me right off!

Tomjet Thu 02-May-19 11:07:23

Been there (including the T.V!) but we were married with a child before the depression hit, with a great big dollop of addiction for good measure.
Depression is never an excuse for bad behaviour. It may be a 'selfish' illness but he is completely taking the piss out of you. It hasn't crossed his mind to use the money to contribute to the bills, savings or his debt because he doesn't consider them to be important or his responsibility. You would be wise to get rid. You have been more supportive than he should ever have hoped for and now it's time to look after yourself. What would happen if you broke it off and suggested selling the house? Is that more scary than living this way forever? I doubt it. It feels like a very unfair choice for you to have to make I know but if you do nothing this will continue, believe me. Do it now and never let anyone take advantage of you again.

Btw I kept the T.V.wink

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 02-May-19 10:55:32

* Depression isn't an excuse, neither is bipolar but the excessive spending may indicate it.*

No; that's very simplified. Bipolar overspending is impulsive, it's sprees and hoarding and associated with manic behaviours. It's not calmly buying yourself a brand new TV to let you carry on gaming while your partner pays for everything.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Thu 02-May-19 10:41:36

What everyone else had said.

The situation is ludicrous my jaw literally dropped when I read you had been doing this for 18 bloody months.

It’s an absolute joke - he isn’t your child, you are not responsible for carrying him when he decides to opt out of “adulting” and to spunk all his money on gaming (which is definitely his “hobby” hmm

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
RUN FOR THE HILLS

Ps I bet he goes for 50/50 equity despite not bothering to pay the mortgage for two years

KittyInTheCradle Thu 02-May-19 10:27:42

Also, if he's in debt maybe he should think twice about having a hobby that seemingly costs his entire benefits income?
Do you have a similar high cost hobby?

Newhere555 Thu 02-May-19 10:00:36

He’s using you! If he loved or had any respect for you he would have put that money in the joint account

You know what you need to do you just don’t want to see it

KittyInTheCradle Thu 02-May-19 09:26:54

Just saw he uses his income for a hobby while you pay the bills.

Sorry, he's really selfish. At least he should have asked you if he wanted to spend it on a big treat - at least one for you both.

Is his hobby online gaming. If so, he just bought the TV for himself.

KittyInTheCradle Thu 02-May-19 09:21:46

He asked you to cover his living expenses because he had debts and can't work...

Why didn't he use the 2k to pay his debts

Why isn't he on benefits to help out financially!

Ridiculous sad sure maybe get yourself a little treat but he should have said 'great this takes the pressure off you as I can help out for a few months', surely?

If it turns out he is already on benefits and spending that for treats while you pay outgoings, LTB

Petitprince Thu 02-May-19 09:13:07

How are you getting on OP?

SaveKevin Thu 25-Apr-19 16:25:36

@Ghanagirl
Fuck no, I didn't have kids when i was with my ex. I had them with my subsequent partner, but my exes actions and my inability to get out of the situation cleanly and early enough has meant that it has impacted on my (now DH) children. Had i put myself first and not waited for him to get better, not waited for him to get a job, I would have walked away with a nice amount of equity from the house and a nice pot of savings - which obviously would have enabled my children to have the stability (and potential inheritance) and benefit of a home and financial stability.

Ghanagirl Thu 25-Apr-19 09:46:13

@SaveKevin
You put your partner before your children why?

DowntonCrabby Thu 25-Apr-19 09:42:16

*see it panning out

DowntonCrabby Thu 25-Apr-19 09:41:58

How would you like your future to go owl?

How do you it planning out if you stay in this relationship?

A few months of hurt/upheaval/probably emotional blackmail by ending things will be awful but categorically worth it in the end.

His MH issues are awful for him but you’ll only get one attempt at life.

woolduvet Thu 25-Apr-19 09:29:08

I suffer with depression and other illnesses and there are days when I can't do much.
But there are days when I do lots, and if I came into some money it'd be going into our account.
Depression isn't always an excuse for being an arse.

Treesthemovie Wed 24-Apr-19 23:46:30

Dump him, he has no respect for you

Ellisandra Wed 24-Apr-19 23:38:25

Use this as your perfect excuse to dump him. You don’t need an excuse - but sometimes, it’s just easier when you have one!

Sickandsurprised2019 Wed 24-Apr-19 22:56:20

Tell him to return the tv and put the money towards the mortgage. Then stop doing anything for him and push him to doing thw lions share of house stuff if he can't, or won't as this man sounds like a freeloader, work.

woolduvet Wed 24-Apr-19 18:42:34

I'd have to ask him to return the tv to pay his portion of the bills. If he refused then I think that's him showing how much he cares about the relationship and also that he just sees you as a way to pay the bills.
What will happen when you run out of savings.

Serenity45 Wed 24-Apr-19 17:53:07

Cheeky selfish fucker. Hope he can fashion a suitable shelter out of his fancy TV when you boot his sorry arse out

SchadenfreudePersonified Wed 24-Apr-19 17:46:27

my calmness is really just being numb, like a bystander in my own life. No-one really knows how bad things are and I feel like I'm cracking up.

This numbness is actually a warning sign, as is feeling like a bystander in your own life.

As I said in a previous post, I've suffered very serious depressive illness myself, and this detachment from the situation, and almost a feeling of watching someone else live in your body/life/situation is a red flag that you are indeed on the brink of a breakdown yourself. It's your mind attempting to protect you by distancing you from what is happening.

Please get yourself out of this relationship. I know it will be very difficult, but you describe yourself as almost "cracking up". Listen to your body.

Do you have any family or friends who can support you through this you really need to get away from this man. It may sound dramatic, but he is destroying you. And when you are ofno use to him (eg if YOU end up having a breakdown/ depressive illness) then HE will be the one to walk away and he will take everything - because you will not be able to fight him.

At the moment you are comparatively healthy, you have a job, you have an income - you hold all the cards. Don't move out if you can possibly avoid it, because it effectively hands over possession to him. But get proper legal advice (might be worth posting on the legal forum on here for some pointers).

Don't interact with him. Put a lock on the second bedroom (I assume you are at least in a two-bedroom property) and move into there. Don't do anything for him. If necessary buy your food daily so that he can't use the stuff that you purchase when you are out of the house (I suspect that he will just raid your food supplies if you aren't in to stop him).

It's a horrible, horrible situation and my heart aches for you, but you really need to get rid of him. If family/ friends can offer you support and protection - accept it! You need all the help you can get because this is going to be an emotionally difficult situation.

Noteventhebirdsareupyet Wed 24-Apr-19 16:19:29

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP. It's not really about the telly is it, although that is one of the most selfish things I've heard in ages. It seems like you're both in a bad place because of his illness and subsequent behaviour and choices. You can't be responsible for everything anymore.

I really think you need to put yourself first before you become unwell too and maybe have a good think about exactly what you want to happen before you broach the subject because you don't want to be blamed for making him more ill and feel like you have to back down.

Perhaps calmly ask him to return the tv and contribute towards bills and debts this evening (if you see him). You might need more time to sort out the rest though. Counselling could be good for you, might help you sort out what you are really feeling and what actions to take to achieve your goals.

Good luck OP xx

TowelNumber42 Wed 24-Apr-19 16:11:46

Do you know how to tell him to cancel the TV and pay the back mortgage and bills owed to you?

Btw, if I were seriously mentally ill and I suddenly came into money, I'd spend it on therapy.

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