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What would you do? CF boyfriend?

(157 Posts)
owlettafeather Wed 24-Apr-19 10:17:43

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

Bananalanacake Wed 24-Apr-19 10:41:54

so he works, why doesn't he give you half or some of that towards the bills or does it all go on his debts. you can have a relationship with him without living with him, go halves on dates and keep your money separate.

rosegoldivy Wed 24-Apr-19 10:42:45

* He's in debt *

So why not pay the 2 grand towards his debt?????

i would be absolutly raging about him buying a new tv. wither you can afford all the bills through your wages and savings is not the point. hes taking you for a ride.

does he work at all?

AvengersAssemble Wed 24-Apr-19 10:42:48

Mentally ill my arse! Stop making excuses for him, he is taking the piss out of you well and truly because he knows you will continue to pay for it all. I would tell him to return the TV and pay back the money he owes you whilst kicking his sponging arse out the door!

Stop being such a doormat!

woolduvet Wed 24-Apr-19 10:43:44

You shouldn't be using savings to cover him.
He needs to contribute or leave.
Find somewhere you can afford.

BlingLoving Wed 24-Apr-19 10:44:37

Completely not okay and here's my first ever, no discussion or consideration to the other side... LTB.

TheInvestigator Wed 24-Apr-19 10:44:46

Leave him. He’s not our husband and this is not what you should want for the rest of your life.


Purplecatshopaholic Wed 24-Apr-19 10:45:32

Christ on a bike, he sounds like my Ex. I was an idiot and went into debt to keep him happy while he went bankrupt, all the while slagging me off for being rubbish with money....

EleanorLavish Wed 24-Apr-19 10:46:41

What does he do,OP?
Does he do the housework? Sort all the laundry? Organise and cook most of the meals?
I doubt it.

Margot33 Wed 24-Apr-19 10:47:07

Maybe he needs to go home to his parents to sort himself and priorities out? You can do much better.

Chickychoccyegg Wed 24-Apr-19 10:47:55

Unbelievably selfish if him, why should he live rent/bill free while treating himself to an expensive t.v, honestly, when you get home tell him he should have transferred it for bills , see what he says, if he doesnt cancel the t.v order/give you a decent amount, chuck him out, why should you pay for him when he has no thought for you?

Bookworm4 Wed 24-Apr-19 10:48:00

What's his illness? Lazy scroungeritis??

huuskymam Wed 24-Apr-19 10:50:20

Tell him it will look good at his new address and chuck him out. You've been carrying him for 18 months, how much longer are you going to let it continue. And when he does come into money, he spends it on non essentials when there's debt to be paid.

owlettafeather Wed 24-Apr-19 10:50:22

We've been together for a very long time- over a decade. He had a mortgage and was self-sufficient. We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after.

The little he does earn goes on his phone bill and hobby.

TatianaLarina Wed 24-Apr-19 10:51:23

OP just get rid of him and get on with your life.

Depression is one thing CFery is another.

SaveKevin Wed 24-Apr-19 10:51:39

This sounds exactly like my ex. Mental health stopped him working (or doing anything round the house), so I was left working and paying everything. It didn’t take long for savings to go, then my wages didn’t cover it and I was having to put stuff on credit. He sold my car (I was paying the loan) and kept the cash (it was easier to just let it happen so as not to upset his mental health) and eventually the house was almost repossessed, I was over £50,000 in debt and there was no equity in the house as he’d remortgaged.
Cut to over 10 years later

I am still paying it off, I can never buy another property again my (not his) children are stuck in this bull shit precarious renting. I cut my own hair and wear second hand clothes. Life’s HARD.

Meanwhile his parents bailed him out, he’s still in the house and married, nice car etc.

What’s his is his, what’s yours is his. He didn’t even offer half or discuss what to do with it.

TheSerenDipitY Wed 24-Apr-19 10:51:45

if it were me id go home and tell hes to start paying his share and if he said no id shove the tv over

Jaxhog Wed 24-Apr-19 10:52:06

If it were me, there would be a new QLED tv and a packed bag on the doorstep. Today.

Downunderduchess Wed 24-Apr-19 10:52:11

Does not bode well for the future, cut your losses now. You will look back at this experience & wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I have been in exactly your position when I was in my twenties, I knew it was wrong then, it took me a while to leave but when I did I felt so free and confident I'd done the right thing for my future. He is a selfish prick, who likely won't change.

EleanorLavish Wed 24-Apr-19 10:52:51

Please don't fall in to the trap of "we have been together so long, it would be a shame to waste all those years".
Just move on!
Is it that you feel guilty as he is depressed?
You have been supportive, but he has perhaps become used to things being this way?

cheesydoesit Wed 24-Apr-19 10:53:52

Is his hobby cycling? YANBU btw.

ohfourfoxache Wed 24-Apr-19 10:54:39

What a tool shock

Get rid, life is too short to put up with this shit

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 24-Apr-19 10:58:25

He had a mortgage and was self-sufficient. We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after

How convenient for him. Depression is truly awful, but I'm a cynical fucker and it feels like he really is taking the piss. Tell him to cancel the TV order asap. Cheeky gobshite.

Its very familiar. Have you posted about him before? Is he doing anything to help himself?

If I were you I would divorce him and cut your losses now. You are lucky that you can support yourself.

owlettafeather Wed 24-Apr-19 11:00:12

EleanorLavish, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't say anything, because I know he's struggling and hurting, and maybe he's just become used to me doing everything.

I bloody wish his hobby was cycling. He doesn't leave the house! Ever!

SaveKevin, that sounds so incredibly difficult- I'm so sorry!

MadameDD Wed 24-Apr-19 11:01:39


Mentally ill can be for a lot of reasons - brought on by recreational drug taking etc. They can also be a bit 'wild' eg reckless when it comes to spending.

So he did have a job etc? and does have one now?

Even if he does cancel the order I think you need a chat re joint savings etc going forward.

QueenBeex Wed 24-Apr-19 11:02:56

use the £2k as a deposit for him to go and live somewhere else


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