DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman(196 Posts)
There's a lot of context to this story, so please stick with me
DP and I met just Christmas 2017, we didn't become official until may 2018 as I wanted to be extra sure of it for DS sake. Just after we made it official, we spent 3 weeks apart - I took DS on a big family holiday and the day before we got back he went on holiday with his friend. All good, we both got home and carried on. Since then things have been great, until...
A few weeks ago when I recieved a Facebook message from a random girl of about 18 years old, 10 years younger than DP, (this is why I fucking hate social media) saying my DP had gone off with her older sister whilst they were on holiday last year. I was pretty skeptical as he'd always been so amazing, kind and lovely and just no suspicions at all that he'd been cheating. Plus, DP is not on Facebook so no clue how she found me. I did a bit of research before confronting him, found out that DP has a "secret?" Snapchat account that I didn't know about, which he was apparently constantly messaging other girls on when they were on holiday, so this girl told me. Why a guy who's nearly 30 would want to be on Snapchat I have no clue . Confronted him and he admitted he kissed a woman on holiday but it was for a few seconds on a night out and nothing else happened.
So then that brings us to now... I actually saw a Snapchat logo notification flash up on his phone the other night from a woman's name. At this point I'm feeling really paranoid/worried that something has gone on, so I waited til he fell asleep and went through his phone (I know, I know). I'd never ever do that if I didn't have some sort of serious suspicion.
So here we get to the actual point of the story!! At last. I go into the Snapchat account and look at the chat list. All girls. Screeds and screeds of girls names. I only had to look at a few to see that they were all from the week he was on holiday last summer. Really dirty messages, he was basically sexting other women the whole time, none older than 20. Bad enough, right? Then I look at one girl... Actually feel sick typing it, in a dirty conversation he asked her if she was "into girls" she said yes, he sent her a picture of me in my underwear - no bra, just pants. No face in the picture, he'd cropped that out. He said "that's my girlfriend", he knew what he was doing.
Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit. To be fair, since new year we've become a lot more serious, been getting along so so well and things had been amazing.
So as to not dripfeed, his family worry that I'm controlling as he stayed with me for 2 weeks when I had fainting episodes a few months ago (absolutely his decision to do so, I did initially say I'd go home to my parent's). They also are concerned about the fact I have DS and on my own, worry that I only want dp as a replacement dad - not the case at all as his dad is very much involved in his life.
I'm just so so hurt over all of this, I've always thought his family and I got along too, I bought all his siblings Xmas gifts, baked his mum cakes, I feel like a bit of a fool.
Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, thank you if you made it this far. Don't even know why I posted really, just don't know what to do about DP, needed to just get it off my chest to people I didn't know.
I’d be ‘don’t let the door hit you on the way out’
He cheated as soon as you made it official.
He’s not deleted the app and there’s still messages coming through.
He’s not who he said he was.
I'm sorry, but there would be no coming back from that for me. I would be chucking him out and blocking him all round. I have no issues with using snapchat - I am in my 50s and on it for messaging family - but what he has done is disgusting and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
You told him it was unforgivable, so surely the relationship is over now and there are no further decisions to make?
I could never get past that, and would be highly surprised if he didn’t do that sort of thing again. Sorry OP. At least you’ve found the real him before it’s too late. At least now you can make an informed decision on whether you want to be with him or not.
He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit.
That’s the funniest excuse for cheating I’ve heard in a long time. “I was sooooo scared the fear made me betray your trust doubly by cheating with another girl AND sending personal photos of you to other women, feel sorry for me”
If the thought of bagging you for his partner is that scary to him OP i’d question why he’s with you. Normal men are delighted when they’ve found an amazing woman they’re crazy about that they think they have a shot for the long term with. Or, just maybe, it’s the best lie he could come up with. My god, where do people find these men?
Oh, OP. I’m so sorry. That is truly unforgivable behaviour. Using your pictures to sext teenagers is one of the biggest breaches of trust I’ve ever heard. I think it’s actually worse than if he’d had sex with her, because what he actually did here is use your body without your consent.
What he has done is also a crime - you should have a think about reporting him to the police.
And please, please don’t stay in this relationship. Now is a good time for that old saying ‘when people show you who they are, believe them’. He has shown you he is unfaithful, disrespectful, selfish beyond belief or understanding, a user and a cheat. That is his fundamental nature - not the times he has pretended to be nice to keep you around.
Kick this piece of shit to the kerb - you deserve so, so much better than this.
OP, just to warn you that because of the way Snapchat works (often deletes messages once they’re sent) it’s entirely likely he’s still regularly messaging other women - otherwise why would he be getting so many messages?
“I panicked because I thought we would be together forever!” He must think you’re a right mug if he thinks you’re going to fall for that complete pile of bollocks taken straight out of a crap romantic comedy script.
I couldn't trust him again. Messages at start of relationship I might move past. But not sending the photo of you, also if it was at the start of relationship why is secret snapchat still active now?
He has been awful.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for sharing that photo let alone the rest of it. I’d never ever trust him again and that is a shit way to live
Sending your photo and the fact that the Snapchat is live are the deal-breakers for me.
He's nasty, and he's only sorry cos he got found out.
Show how 'controlling' you are by setting him free...
I have no cares who my DP talks to or what about, literally none, but sending a picture of me in my underwear would be grounds for putting his phone in the blender and putting him in the bin.
“told me it was at the very start of the relationship,” But that isn’t decent respectable behaviour EVER, sending a picture of you like that as a flirty / sixty exchange with someone else.
Plus he still has the account, and the messages.
He was holding out as an insurance in case he wasn’t ready for commitment. And he was right. He isn’t ready, and has no idea what commitment means. Or respect.
He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship
What? Does it being the start of the relationship make it ok to show a complete disrespect of your partner then?
Look, he has no respect for you at all, he used your photo as porn and was passing it round. Gross. Show yourself some respect and bin him.
Oh he's got to go, what a fucker. When is he packed and when is he leaving OP?
As an aside, Snapchat is a very odd choice for someone who's 30, it's a younger demographic. Do you think the girls are all over 18? Do you think he might have ephebophile tendencies?
Why would you allow anyone to take photos of you that you wouldn't be happy to show to all and sundry? Revenge porn is a thing you know. Yes he's a cheating scum bag but really you should never have allowed the pics in the first place.
Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that.
Read that back a few times. It speaks volumes.
From reading your OP it sounds like he's what I call a chameleon. Makes himself into whatever he thinks will attract his intended 'victim'. He's not been honest about what he's like, he's betrayed your trust and then shared something so personal with someone else for kicks.
I'm not normally a LTB person by I think you need to get some time away from him for some perspective - if he's there he'll keep on at you. You need time and space to work this out.
He would be gone. A mistaken kiss I could forgive but all he has done would be an automatic out the door.
Sorry you had to find out he is an arsehole.
His family sound bonkers too. Best off without the lot of them.
He sent deeply personal pictures you trusted him with to younger women to turn them on?!?! What a loser. Don’t stay with this guy!
How do you know his family think you're controlling?
On his say so?
It's a classic way of ensuring you watch your step, and 'prove' you're not, by accepting bad behavior from him.
He was "worried" so that made him message young women? Hmmmm
"I understand that you found the idea of us being together forever scary. You don't have to worry about that any more."
Also 1 month in is at the start of a relationship, 6 months in is not at the start at all. This "official" business is odd, I can understand holding off on telling your child, but is the implication that you weren't exclusive for the first 6 months either?
You and your DS deserve so much better. You know what to do.
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