DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman(196 Posts)
There's a lot of context to this story, so please stick with me
DP and I met just Christmas 2017, we didn't become official until may 2018 as I wanted to be extra sure of it for DS sake. Just after we made it official, we spent 3 weeks apart - I took DS on a big family holiday and the day before we got back he went on holiday with his friend. All good, we both got home and carried on. Since then things have been great, until...
A few weeks ago when I recieved a Facebook message from a random girl of about 18 years old, 10 years younger than DP, (this is why I fucking hate social media) saying my DP had gone off with her older sister whilst they were on holiday last year. I was pretty skeptical as he'd always been so amazing, kind and lovely and just no suspicions at all that he'd been cheating. Plus, DP is not on Facebook so no clue how she found me. I did a bit of research before confronting him, found out that DP has a "secret?" Snapchat account that I didn't know about, which he was apparently constantly messaging other girls on when they were on holiday, so this girl told me. Why a guy who's nearly 30 would want to be on Snapchat I have no clue . Confronted him and he admitted he kissed a woman on holiday but it was for a few seconds on a night out and nothing else happened.
So then that brings us to now... I actually saw a Snapchat logo notification flash up on his phone the other night from a woman's name. At this point I'm feeling really paranoid/worried that something has gone on, so I waited til he fell asleep and went through his phone (I know, I know). I'd never ever do that if I didn't have some sort of serious suspicion.
So here we get to the actual point of the story!! At last. I go into the Snapchat account and look at the chat list. All girls. Screeds and screeds of girls names. I only had to look at a few to see that they were all from the week he was on holiday last summer. Really dirty messages, he was basically sexting other women the whole time, none older than 20. Bad enough, right? Then I look at one girl... Actually feel sick typing it, in a dirty conversation he asked her if she was "into girls" she said yes, he sent her a picture of me in my underwear - no bra, just pants. No face in the picture, he'd cropped that out. He said "that's my girlfriend", he knew what he was doing.
Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit. To be fair, since new year we've become a lot more serious, been getting along so so well and things had been amazing.
So as to not dripfeed, his family worry that I'm controlling as he stayed with me for 2 weeks when I had fainting episodes a few months ago (absolutely his decision to do so, I did initially say I'd go home to my parent's). They also are concerned about the fact I have DS and on my own, worry that I only want dp as a replacement dad - not the case at all as his dad is very much involved in his life.
I'm just so so hurt over all of this, I've always thought his family and I got along too, I bought all his siblings Xmas gifts, baked his mum cakes, I feel like a bit of a fool.
Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, thank you if you made it this far. Don't even know why I posted really, just don't know what to do about DP, needed to just get it off my chest to people I didn't know.
I’d be ‘don’t let the door hit you on the way out’
He cheated as soon as you made it official.
He’s not deleted the app and there’s still messages coming through.
He’s not who he said he was.
I'm sorry, but there would be no coming back from that for me. I would be chucking him out and blocking him all round. I have no issues with using snapchat - I am in my 50s and on it for messaging family - but what he has done is disgusting and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
You told him it was unforgivable, so surely the relationship is over now and there are no further decisions to make?
I could never get past that, and would be highly surprised if he didn’t do that sort of thing again. Sorry OP. At least you’ve found the real him before it’s too late. At least now you can make an informed decision on whether you want to be with him or not.
He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit.
That’s the funniest excuse for cheating I’ve heard in a long time. “I was sooooo scared the fear made me betray your trust doubly by cheating with another girl AND sending personal photos of you to other women, feel sorry for me”
If the thought of bagging you for his partner is that scary to him OP i’d question why he’s with you. Normal men are delighted when they’ve found an amazing woman they’re crazy about that they think they have a shot for the long term with. Or, just maybe, it’s the best lie he could come up with. My god, where do people find these men?
Oh, OP. I’m so sorry. That is truly unforgivable behaviour. Using your pictures to sext teenagers is one of the biggest breaches of trust I’ve ever heard. I think it’s actually worse than if he’d had sex with her, because what he actually did here is use your body without your consent.
What he has done is also a crime - you should have a think about reporting him to the police.
And please, please don’t stay in this relationship. Now is a good time for that old saying ‘when people show you who they are, believe them’. He has shown you he is unfaithful, disrespectful, selfish beyond belief or understanding, a user and a cheat. That is his fundamental nature - not the times he has pretended to be nice to keep you around.
Kick this piece of shit to the kerb - you deserve so, so much better than this.
OP, just to warn you that because of the way Snapchat works (often deletes messages once they’re sent) it’s entirely likely he’s still regularly messaging other women - otherwise why would he be getting so many messages?
“I panicked because I thought we would be together forever!” He must think you’re a right mug if he thinks you’re going to fall for that complete pile of bollocks taken straight out of a crap romantic comedy script.
I couldn't trust him again. Messages at start of relationship I might move past. But not sending the photo of you, also if it was at the start of relationship why is secret snapchat still active now?
He has been awful.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for sharing that photo let alone the rest of it. I’d never ever trust him again and that is a shit way to live
Sending your photo and the fact that the Snapchat is live are the deal-breakers for me.
He's nasty, and he's only sorry cos he got found out.
Show how 'controlling' you are by setting him free...
I have no cares who my DP talks to or what about, literally none, but sending a picture of me in my underwear would be grounds for putting his phone in the blender and putting him in the bin.
“told me it was at the very start of the relationship,” But that isn’t decent respectable behaviour EVER, sending a picture of you like that as a flirty / sixty exchange with someone else.
Plus he still has the account, and the messages.
He was holding out as an insurance in case he wasn’t ready for commitment. And he was right. He isn’t ready, and has no idea what commitment means. Or respect.
He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship
What? Does it being the start of the relationship make it ok to show a complete disrespect of your partner then?
Look, he has no respect for you at all, he used your photo as porn and was passing it round. Gross. Show yourself some respect and bin him.
Oh he's got to go, what a fucker. When is he packed and when is he leaving OP?
As an aside, Snapchat is a very odd choice for someone who's 30, it's a younger demographic. Do you think the girls are all over 18? Do you think he might have ephebophile tendencies?
Why would you allow anyone to take photos of you that you wouldn't be happy to show to all and sundry? Revenge porn is a thing you know. Yes he's a cheating scum bag but really you should never have allowed the pics in the first place.
Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that.
Read that back a few times. It speaks volumes.
From reading your OP it sounds like he's what I call a chameleon. Makes himself into whatever he thinks will attract his intended 'victim'. He's not been honest about what he's like, he's betrayed your trust and then shared something so personal with someone else for kicks.
I'm not normally a LTB person by I think you need to get some time away from him for some perspective - if he's there he'll keep on at you. You need time and space to work this out.
He would be gone. A mistaken kiss I could forgive but all he has done would be an automatic out the door.
Sorry you had to find out he is an arsehole.
His family sound bonkers too. Best off without the lot of them.
He sent deeply personal pictures you trusted him with to younger women to turn them on?!?! What a loser. Don’t stay with this guy!
How do you know his family think you're controlling?
On his say so?
It's a classic way of ensuring you watch your step, and 'prove' you're not, by accepting bad behavior from him.
He was "worried" so that made him message young women? Hmmmm
"I understand that you found the idea of us being together forever scary. You don't have to worry about that any more."
Also 1 month in is at the start of a relationship, 6 months in is not at the start at all. This "official" business is odd, I can understand holding off on telling your child, but is the implication that you weren't exclusive for the first 6 months either?
You and your DS deserve so much better. You know what to do.
And what the hell are his politics around women, and his level of maturity if he thinks sending such a pic in such a context would be OK or act as any kind of justification at any stage, or even if you were just a ONS? The fact that he thinks, or pretends to think, this is a reasonable explanation just makes him look worse.
OP, this is a massive red flag with klaxon moment. It’s who he is.
What a nasty, disrespectful man. You can do so much better than this idiot.
Get rid of him. Not only has he cheated, betrayed your trust even more by sending personal pictures to other people but he’s got the shittiest excuse ever for it. He’ll do this again and again.
Also worth bearing in mind when cheaters “confess” they don’t confess everything in my experience. He’s done a lot more than kissing I’m sure. You might want to get tested.
Jesus, what an absolute betrayal. That's really sickening.
I'm quite tolerant but I'd end it over that. It is indeed unforgivable.
Wow. My jaw just dropped to the floor.
How disrespectful can you be.
Sending a photo of you was already enough to dump him, leave alone the rest of the shit he pulled.
I would run from him and never look back.
I know it hurts, but you will be so much better off without this twat
Its staring you in the face.
Whats the point in a cheating untrustworthy boyfriend? You fancy being on an emotional rollercoaster?
Men like this are two -a-penny. You can do so much better
But he is still using snapchat? So he’s lying
Agree with everyone else. Huge red flags, run for the hills.
Neither he nor his family sound very nice.
Please get rid, he's a lying scumbag.
It’s going to hurt for a while, but leaving and going NC is the only self-respectful option you have.
Staying with him means you condone all sorts of wrong and you will be setting yourself up for years of misery - the trust is gone, you’d never be able to forget.
That's a level of ongoing disrespect it is surely impossible to accept in your life!
OP take your controlling self away from this shit and his equally shitty family and live a much better life!
Oh yuck. How horrible. Don't forget that unfortunately cheaters usually only confess to the bare minimum that they know you have proof of.
I don't want to upset you any further but you might want to speak to your doctor about STI checks.
What a piece of work.
Huge betrayal. No way would I forgive this. He's shown you who he is...believe him.
He’s lying. You can get out now or put up with it until it becomes unbearable by which time you’ve wasted a lot of time on him.
Scared of what anyway? Being happy?. What rubbish.
What? Does it being the start of the relationship make it ok to show a complete disrespect of your partner then?
Yeah, wtf is that all about? The beginning is supposed to be when you’re both putting your best foot forward trying to impress the other person and show them you’re a good potential partner! Not that six months is ‘at the beginning’ anyway. But if he could do this when he was newly with you and supposed to be smitten and in the honeymoon phase he’s just not that arsed about or into you.
I know he cropped your face out of the picture, but I’m genuinely wondering if this sort of thing would be considered revenge porn.
It's not just the cheating, and he clearly did more than kiss her, or the sexting, or the violation of your photo, but he's going after teenagers. It's absolutely stomach turning. And as a pp said, he's still lying to your face. It really is nauseating.
Did he explain why he still had Snapchat if all that was all behind him? What about the new notifications coming through? Why keep the app if he wasn't using it?
Not that any of this matter when he actually shared your pic with someone else. Massive breach of trust.
OP, please make sure you delete any pics of you from his phone and any other devices. DELETE DELETE DELETE.
If you stay with him now you're basically condoning his behaviour. And more of this appalling shit will happen. I also find it utterly impossible to believe that he didn't have sex with other women on holiday. Nevertheless that's irrelevant. He has treated you so badly. Just shit. Please leave him otherwise he'll just use you more and on and on and on. You're wasting your life!
Have u seen the pic of u he sent? Would u recognise if it was at beginning of your relationship? Not that it matters hes still a snake.
Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit
I’m not sure if sending the photo is worse or his manipulation or the fact he’s as thick as two planks...so many options 🤷🏻♀️
All of it is WTAF?!
He’s got front for sure. I’d be turning it around and kicking his arse out...unless that is, you actually WANT another 50+ years of this shit?
...as for what his family thinks, if that’s come from him, it’s bullshit. They probably think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. If it’s come from them it’s not too difficult to see where the ‘thick as two short planks* has come from.
How are you able to read the messages? I thought the point of snapchat is that the messages aren’t saved, they disappear within a few seconds. Unless you screenshot them. In which case what’s the point of him being on snapchat?
I often think it's not as clear cut as it seems from an OP, 2 sides to a story, but this is really obvious.
1. He's been sexting teenagers
2. He used your picture
3. He's lied so I'm sure there are more
4. He's trying to manipulate you by bringing up stuff about his family, make you feel insecure about yourself.
1 and 4 are actually horrific if you think about it, OP.
I'm always a bit at the usual he's a prick / abusive/ LTB responses on here but fuck sake op you really need to ask??
Even if you take away the photo thing, and even if his sexting and Snapchatting had, for example, happened before you even met him, the fact that he behaved like that at all would be enough for me to want to run a mile.
I could never entertain the idea of being with such a disgusting man child.
Just coming back to express what a piece of shit I think this person is.
Total, total heap of steaming excrement!!!!
I'll probably be thinking about this at work now; I would at least threaten going to the police, and I'd tell his family.
I'm not part of the Mumsnet you yell LTB cause they're 2 mins late home but on this occasion I fully agree there is no way you should be with this man
This is outrageous. Please don't accept it. He broke your trust in an epic fashion. I appreciate it's going to hurt - you need to break up your family unit after telling DS and feel that loss of face in front of everyone else - but it's his fault and his problem. Don't hide it, excuse it or try to cover for him. 'I broke up with him because I found out he was sexting teenage girls". That's enough for anyone to understand.
Kick him out. No second chances. You will always be wondering if he will do it again.
I would also be worrying about who else he sent it to.
Plus this girl has managed to find you despite him not being on Facebook. How did she find you?
Is there a chance that more pictures are being sent?
Get yourself and your son away from this ‘man’
There are no '2 sides' to this one OP.
I'm really sorry, but if you forgive him for this now, he'll do it again and again and again. Because you let him. Get rid now.
How can you even consider staying with this man for a moment!!!
And people wonder years later why their lives are mediocre or miserable? It’s these choices that make all the difference.
tbh at any point in a relationship talking this sleezy shit to girls would be it for me. the other stuff you mention no no no no out of here.
makes me feel gross for you and worried for your ds.
you both deserve way better.please dont live with this kind of man child gross head.
Bin him. He's probably still at it. Snapchat messages get deleted pretty instantly.
How is it relevant that it was at the beginning of the relationship?
If you'd found out on the day that he did it, surely it's still be unforgivable?
Just bin him OP. He's had more than a second chance, he's a creep and he's used your body in sext chat with others.
Yeah, if he wasn't still getting messages (and presumably sending them?) you could almost say it was in the past and you two are not in the same place. However that isn't the case and you are rightly worried.
I've had this happen before (he was still messaging his ex and saying he loved her) and I got rid. Tbh for a lot of men the grass is always going to be greener. They could be with Cleopatra and they'd never feel happy as soon as they had her. Could he be one of those? It's a hard call, but IME once the trust has gone you'll never feel the same. If you feel like you need to check his phone now, that won't really go away .
The fact that he's in a relationship but sexting young girls? Desperate. And honestly, sleazy.
Why on earth would you tolerate this?
You will never trust him. Ever. Life's too short and you deserve better.
Snapchat doesn't work like this though, unless he saved the messages from each and every convo he was having?
OP, not to worry you even more but does he have other intimate pictures of you?
My point is, he has proven that he can’t be trusted with those, watch out if he has more what could happen after you really kick him out of your life.
As said, not to make you upset, but just be on your guard since he has absolutely zero respect for your privacy and he is obviously a nasty person. Take care
*How do you know his family think you're controlling?
On his say so?
It's a classic way of ensuring you watch your step, and 'prove' you're not, by accepting bad behavior from him.*
This. for you OP.
Keep your high self esteem and move on. Grieve for the mature person you thought he was. Give the lovely compassion he's expecting from you to yourself.
As tashac89 says "....... phone in the blender....."
I bet it wasn't just a kiss either.
is it even legal to share someone else picture?
Snapchat doesn't work like this though, unless he saved the messages from each and every convo he was having?
Yeah I thought snapchat automatically deleted the chats after so long unless you specifically save them.
Also what were the recent messages of?
I'd be dumping his ass anyway.
Messages delete instantly so I don't know how OP would know they were being sent from a year ago and that these women were from the holiday
To save a message you have to actual click on it and do it for every single message. if he was using Snapchat for cheating purposes doing this would defeat the whole point.
Unless he wanted you to find out...
Get rid of this loser, for Christ's sake
You must be fucking desperate to consider staying with a bloke like this
delete all you pictures off his phone. Delete the snapchat message. You can't do anything to prevent the picture(s) being passed on from those who've received them but you can do all you can to prevent him sending any more. Then bin him.
Are you even considering staying with him?! You need to break up with him immediately if you haven't already. He's actually disgusting.
I think you know there is zero chance of coming back from any of this, I mean!!
Just make sure you remove any pictures he has of you from all devices, the cloud etc and then dump his arse!! He’s prepared to share explicit images of you with other people when you are together god knows what he’d do after you’ve broken up.
Once everything is deleted you need to delete him, from your life!
Urgh dirty bastard, get rid.
(And of course it wasn't just a kiss)
Get rid ASAP, you can’t trust him after this and there’s nothing stopping him do it again if you forgive him as you’ve basically given him the impression it’s ok to treat you like that. It’s not a healthy relationship to have around a child. There are better men out there.
Yeah, if he wasn't still getting messages (and presumably sending them?) you could almost say it was in the past
...and you’d be fine with that? Him sending a photo of you in only your pants to see if a teenager wants to fuck you in a threesome? Ohhhhkayyyy.
What a nob. He is only sorry that he has been caught out! Even if you could forgive him (and why would you), he will do it again. You deserve better. You really do.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour from someone who should protect you. If my husband did that I would divorce him. No way would I stay with someone who has such little respect for me. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Disgusting, repulsive and utterly unforgivable.
Please do not even consider staying with this disrespectful pig. He will do it again. And again. And again.
So sorry. You deserve far better.
This sort of caper is what you hear after 7 or 20 years of marriage when the sparks gone. This relationship has barely started and it's already over. Run for the hills.
With the way Snapchat works (deleting messages shortly after sending) he's gone to an awful lot of effort to set things up so that these messages have saved. Which, to my mind, makes this even more repulsive.
Op you deserve more respect from your partner than to deceive you firstly by talking to other women - bad enough. But to send a private picture of you?! Next level disrespect. This piece of shit has no qualms about using you and manipulating you to get his own way- if not only for yourself but your child cut this man out of your life he’s a wrong un.
What a grim piece of shit.
Sorry op that this has happened. Please make sure you delete all images. I would report to the police right after you've ditched him.
If you stay there will be plenty more drama down the road.
He has zero respect for you, you don't want your son to see that do you?
And his family sound horrible too.
Wow, just got to work to find over 70 replies to this! I honestly was wondering if I was overreacting because of what he said, which now I think about it is ridiculous
So to reply to your questions, I work in a phone shop so I know a lot about technology but not Snapchat, so I asked my colleague this morning (not revealing my situation to him though) and he told me that Snapchat you send as an image via the actual camera disappear. But if you send pics or messages through the chat feature you're able to save them or sometimes see them again, so this obviously means he's saved dirty messages to go back and read over a wank? Weird.
Also, yeah I don't really believe the whole "just a kiss" thing... But at the same time he might have been being honest and I probably would've believed it had it not been for the Snapchat thing.
The thing with his family, he was the one who told me about that. I do get a weird vibe from them at times since he's told me that though.
The recent messages apparently were just people sending them out to a whole bunch of people, which I'm told people do a lot on there. I did have a look and there wasn't any saved messages etc since after that one week
I'm confused too, the whole point of Snapchat is the messages disappear once viewed, this was definitely the case 12 months ago as I still had an account.
What an utter cockwomble, he's a prized arsehole OP and you're better off without him. I don't often jump on the 'LTB bandwagon' but that is completely and utterly unforgivable. What's worse than sending the messages is the fact that he still had Snapchat AND the messages!
I'm sorry you're going through this OP but please realise your self worth
Crosspost. But you could see the image of yourself that he sent a year ago? In the chat? I've never known Snapchat to do that.
No you save them via chat (have been able to for a long time too) there’s also a version of the app that saves every photo you receive automatically before they disappear....
Wipe his phone and WhatsApp and iCloud of you, then check his laptop and wipe that! He is never to be trusted again!
You deserve someone who isn’t going to lie to you and break your trust like that, he’s unlikely to actually change....
Get rid of him before your child gets too attached.
This is supposed to be the time when you see his best side, so it will only get worse.
OMG OP how awful - the rest is a dumping offence anyway but sending your picture to people is just horrendous.
DON'T be taken in by the fact that he can be lovely etc etc. Nasty, cheating misogynist arseholes can be lovely - but that's who they are underneath and this is is attitude, this is behaviour that he considers an option when he's supposedly in a relationship. You can forgive him and work on it and whatever you like, but I don't think he's going to change that much.
And this is just what you've found out. There could be more. He could still be sexting/cheating. Really just get rid.
Please god tell me you are packing this morons bags for him as we speak. I would also seriously consider speaking to the police. He may have more pictures of you and could be vindictive when/if you split.
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