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What you expect to happen if your partner came into money ?

(110 Posts)
Inebriatededna Tue 23-Apr-19 19:43:29

Background , been together nearly 8 years but don’t live together due to family circumstances . Up until recently partner has had a low paid job so I have paid the lions share when we have been together including holidays , meals out and an event we go to twice a year which costs about 250 a time . I’ve been happy to do this .
My question is that now he has come into a large sum of money ( approx 40, ooo) plus he has had a much better paid job , what if anything would you expect of him .

LaurieFairyCake Thu 25-Apr-19 16:13:38

Yes I would expect him to treat me to as many holidays and days out I'd paid for

T0astforBreakfast5 Thu 25-Apr-19 16:09:04

Supporting him for X years - Do you have emergency savings for yourself & savings for your children.
You & your children, should be your first priority
Wider family, friends, partner

thecatsthecats Wed 24-Apr-19 18:52:43

40k is the sort of amount I'd need to sit and think about how to spend.

A smaller amount might be easier to splurge, and a larger amount easier to have a quick blowout whilst still preserving the majority of the asset. 40k is that middle ground where it would take some thought to really make a big life improvement!

However, on the question of splitting it - my DH and I are very much on the same page in terms of investing in the big things in our life. I'd be surprised and upset if either of us didn't put a significant amount towards our joint future from a windfall.

Inliverpool1 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:39:34

I’m gobsmacked at the number of women you hear about “supporting” men or women I wouldn’t entertain supporting anyone but my kids

Travis1 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:37:39

I think he’s showing who he is if no offer of A nice holiday or moves toward a wedding have been mentioned. I really can’t understand why you’ve ‘practically supported’ him for 8 years?

Loopytiles Wed 24-Apr-19 18:36:04

Being engaged is meaningless unless you’ve set a date to marry and live together.

If you have been spending a lot of money on him (hard to tell from the info provided) that was your choice: it may be that he is unwilling to reciprocate now he has more money.

Your DC are “older”, but there are still opportunity costs of spending your funds on your boyfriend, eg could have instead been spent on your property, helping with study or housing costs, things for yourself, or saved.

Asta19 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:34:47

This is why I personally would not ever do what you did. He was happy to "share" money when it was all yours! But now he has his own, that's his too. And what can you do about it? Nothing, except dump him but that's not going to give you any of the money back.

When I was dating someone who couldn't afford the holidays I could, I just went without them! Sounds mean but me and my DC have always been my priority.

Inliverpool1 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:28:32

I’d expect he had some making up to do for all the years you’ve done the heavy lifting.... is he not offering to treat you ?

MidnightMystery Wed 24-Apr-19 18:26:58

I'm not thinking you're the grabby one but maybe he's with you for your higher income ...?

SuperCoop3r Wed 24-Apr-19 18:06:28

@FloofenHoofen sounds like a supportive and sharing marriage you've got there confused

PregnantSea Wed 24-Apr-19 05:21:24

This is a tough one because there are no rules. It really depends on the kind of relationship you have. If that was my sudden windfall then I'd be sitting down my husband and talking through what WE should do with it together - I wouldn't physically deposit half the money into his bank account but I would essentially treat it as he had as much right to it as I did, and if it made sense for him to spend most of it on something (clearing his student loan, for example) then I'd pass it over without a second thought. He would do the same for me as our finances are very much shared. That being said we live together, are married and have DC together and we have shared our finances since we got married, so that's the precedent that's been set. All of our money is OUR money.

If you two aren't living together and don't currently share finances then you can't really make any demands of him at all. However, given that you are about to get married (at which point you will presumably move in together?) And that you have spoilt him so much by paying out more for things over the years, you would think it would be fair for him to consider you when spending the money. Perhaps he could take you on holiday, or maybe if you two are looking at buying a house together he could put a big chunk of the money in towards that? If he isn't prepared to do anything like that then it's his right not to, but it would be making me think seriously about whether or not I wanted to marry him. It sends a very clear message about how he views finances, and you may find that you two aren't on the same page. That would be a deal breaker for me.

RomanyQueen1 Wed 24-Apr-19 02:46:27

Mine would give it to me and tell me to manage it how I feel fit, but your dp should definitely as he has contributed so little up to now.
We share all money though.

Alicewond Wed 24-Apr-19 01:39:56

I would expect him to take me out for some nice meals, not share the money

HeronLanyon Wed 24-Apr-19 01:38:42

I am a bit unclear about exactly how you have supported him for 8 years but if eg this was his own utility bills or credit card payments or rent or amounts towards those things then why on earth wouldn’t he give you something back. You didn’t support him knowing or expecting a share of a windfall I’m guessing but I for one couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t put this right if I came into money. Really don’t understand those saying a holiday or treat ! Ffs why wouldn’t he do the right thing and put right what you’ve spent on him ??? Before anything else.

OKBobble Wed 24-Apr-19 01:03:17

Well I i would expect him to offer to pay for the event at the very least next time round and treat you for a change. I wouldn't expect a cash sum though

FloofenHoofen Wed 24-Apr-19 00:44:00

Category12 sharing money and looking after each other are two completely different things. This is the reason why relationships become strained is the mentality of what's yours is mine. We're individuals too, as we deserve to have some identity and valuables of our own without feeling the need to have to share based on marriage. I don't think it's weird, I think it's weird that you feel you'd be entitled to it when it's not yours.

Purpletigers Tue 23-Apr-19 23:56:21

It would depend on his financial situation . If he had a mortgage I’d expect him to pay that off . I’m assuming you hope to live together when your children are older .
After 8 years you should be able to have a frank discussion with him . Id be disappointed if he wanted to blow the lot of holidays and cars tbh. Going forward I’d expect him to pay his share, the past isn’t relevant as you were happy to subside him .
My husband and his siblings got a cheque for 25 ish grand from his parents a few years ago . He put it in the bank. Money doesn’t have to be spent as soon as you get it .

NaomifromMilkshake Tue 23-Apr-19 23:55:57

DH inherited £40k when we were together about ten years, he got a lovely watch, I got a to die for leather travel bag, which was all good and well until cheap travel arrived and cabin baggage was measured... the rest of the money went against a mortgage.

Any hoo I digress, we are now together thirty years, when he retires in three years time, he will be working and drawing a final salary for one year.

The other day he made it clear that he could not have achieved all he achieved without my support ( he is 100% right grin )and that I need to plan a decent piece of jewellery. grin

When my mother dies, I will inherit more than the £40k and the price of a decent piece of jewellery, but it all goes in the same pot.

After eight years, and no sign of a nice present on the back of this, he is a user. IMO

DarklyDreamingDexter Tue 23-Apr-19 23:54:22

I would expect a nice holiday as a 'thank you' for shelling out for all previous holidays and maybe a few treats (e.g. dinner at a swanky restaurant) but a cash payment? Certainly not.

CountFosco Tue 23-Apr-19 23:40:23

DH and I have been married 20 years and have 3DC. We've both inherited small amounts over the years and that money has always been treated as family money. If either of us inherited a large lump sum (which we will at some point) then that money would be used for paying off the mortgage and long term savings. It would be ridiculous to treat it as personal money when we have children together.

However in the OPs case when you don't live together and don't have children together then you can't expect anything.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops Tue 23-Apr-19 23:19:23

If DP came into money it would be his alone. I'd be pissed off if he didn't pay off the end of his law school loan as it seems to stop him doing a lot and moving on atm, but I'd try not to show it.

kateandme Tue 23-Apr-19 23:07:44

either way this shows a problem for you and a difference in your views on money and this will be like a bomb throughout your mariage,relationship if you dont sort talk to him op.

kateandme Tue 23-Apr-19 23:05:40

im not up on the legal stuff but when you marry will it not become legallly both of yours?

BlondeBumshelll Tue 23-Apr-19 22:29:32

In your circs, no, I wouldn't expect a lump sum. I would, however expect him to start paying for some of the things you've always paid for. If he doesn't then you've got a bigger problem on your hands.

KaterinaPetrova Tue 23-Apr-19 22:19:17

We would have come into money. It would be ours, without a doubt.

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