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AIBU?

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? potential trigger warning

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:

Report

Boom45 · 23/04/2019 10:57

I can't think of any circumstance where i would remain friends with a rapist no.

Sosososotired · 23/04/2019 10:58

Not a chance. To be capable of rape you have to hold certain views of women. I could not be friends with someone like that.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 23/04/2019 10:59

You had no idea they were that way inclined

makes it sound like you’re discussing someone smoking a bit of skunk, not a rapist.

And in answer to your question, no I couldn’t be friends with a rapist.

Ihatehashtags · 23/04/2019 11:00

I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anymore.

EncroachingLoaf · 23/04/2019 11:00

No way. I'd find it hard to believe they'd changed/been rehabilitated as well.

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:00

Bad wording on my part @YouSayPotatoesISayVodka

What I meant was, I had no idea they were that type of person. The sort who was capable of something like that.

OP posts:

adaline · 23/04/2019 11:00

How could you even consider it?

Travis1 · 23/04/2019 11:00

No way could I stay friends with them.

cliquewhyohwhy · 23/04/2019 11:01

I would cut contact right now!

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 23/04/2019 11:01

It all rather depends on a whole load of things, but I wouldn't say definitely no on principle. People can change.

outpinked · 23/04/2019 11:01

I wouldn’t even consider being friends with them anymore.

HBStowe · 23/04/2019 11:01

No, I would instantly cut contact and make sure they knew why. The consequences of rape for rapists are already too light without also allowing them to be forgiven just because they’re nice to you personally.

If you’re wavering, just remember the terrible fear his victim must have felt, and ask yourself if you can be friends with someone who inflicted that.

SushiTrain · 23/04/2019 11:02

Not a chance

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:02

Are you saying that you don't believe he committed the crime?

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:03

I've frozen them out since I found out, it has been about a week. They don't know that I know, but I've seen proof.

I'm unsure whether to address it head on and tell them exactly why I no longer want to know them, or to just ghost them completely.

OP posts:

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:04

He definitely did it, there's no doubt about it.

As somebody who has been assaulted I'm extremely upset that I trusted this person.

The friendship is over for me, I was just interested in how others would proceed under the circumstances.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2019 11:04

No I could never trust this person around me or my DC, If I introduced him to someone I'd worry he could attack them.
I had a friend who went to jail for statuary rape, he was 17 she was 15, we were all teens at the time, he was in a relationship with her. I did support him at the time, he is dead now.
OP you can't. I get some like to give a 2nd chance, not when it comes to rape.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/04/2019 11:04

No. I'd be as blunt and direct as possible and I wouldn't feel any shame in cutting the person out.

There are forgivable crimes and unforgivable crimes. Rape falls into the latter category for me, no matter the circumstances or how long ago.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 23/04/2019 11:04

I couldn't no, I came on here to say it depends on the crime, I knew someone who at 16 had consensual sex with a 15 year old and apparently had to sign the register but a rapist? Definitely not.
Also, isn't it quite hard to get convictions in this area so I'd say there was overwhelming evidence he did it if he got convicted.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:06

Do whatever is best for you. They will probably lie and downplay it but nothing they can do or say will change the fact the are a rapist and that you don't want to associate with them anymore.
If you aren't in regular face to face contact then just continue to freeze them out and address it when or if you bump into them.

FriarTuck · 23/04/2019 11:06

It might depend a bit - if it was statutory rape in a consenting relationship (without a big age difference but where the case was brought at the urging of parents) then possibly. Or if it was a he said, she said case that involved both parties drinking too much and consent being assumed but denied in the cold light of soberness then possibly. Or maybe if it was cold-hearted stranger rape but years ago and that person was genuinely full of remorse and had turned their life completely around. I don't think you should just say a blank no way unless you've been raped yourself or know someone who has been (in which case black & white judgement is entirely understandable) but I can understand that plenty of people would.

BarbarianMum · 23/04/2019 11:08

It's possible I would keep the friendship, couldn't say in the abstract. I can quite see why a person might not want to though.

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:08

He did the crime in his late thirties so knew exactly what he was doing and can't excuse his actions or pin it on anything other than his own motives.

OP posts:

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:08

Fucking hell Friartuck.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2019 11:08

I'm extremely upset that I trusted this person
Please do not be upset. I often trust people until they give me a reason not too, do not beat yourself up for excepting him at face value.
The majority of new pals we meet are not a rapist, unfortunately they don't come branded. Now branding with a hot rod on their forehead would be a good idea

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