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How long should a 3 year old be away from him mummy?

(98 Posts)
Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:52:21

Hi, me again smile recently separated, going for a divorce based on H unreasonable behaviour. Regarding the concerns and the fact it tears my soul how long should DS, 3 stay with his dad.

At the moment he goes 2 days over night so Monday till Tuesday and has been coming on a sat eve if he finished work early enough . My H has sent me a msg to say it’s not fair on him that I have 5 days and him 2. This is based around his days off. He wants to give up a day of work and have Ds 3 days, but I’ve said to hold up it’s not what is fair on us but what is best for our son and his mental stability at such a young age.

Previously when we were together my H hasn’t really been that fussed doing anything with DS, I used to have to beg him to read a bedtime story. His usual response was I’ve been at work and I’m tried you’ve done nothing all day so you do it. I’ve done every bedtime, bathtime etc whilst he has sat on the couch. So so does he want more now?

Coyoacan Tue 23-Apr-19 08:11:12

Three days a week with a loving father won't do him any harm.

noworklifebalance Tue 23-Apr-19 08:12:44

I was away from my parents for 18months at that age. I was fine as I was with people who loved me.

LagunaBubbles Tue 23-Apr-19 08:12:46

What is best for your son is to send time with both parents.

CurbsideProphet Tue 23-Apr-19 08:14:43

Was the first reply supposed to be ironic?

How interesting that he is able to give up a day of work now that you aren't together. It all sounds a bit like he's trying to get at you, not spend time with his son.

Bunnybigears Tue 23-Apr-19 08:15:27

At 3 (presumably not still breastfeeding) it doesn't matter who the loving parent is they are with. I would be thankful he has another parent who wants to spend time with them and is willing to give up work to do so.

MrsBertBibby Tue 23-Apr-19 08:16:27

Divorce makes a lot of men step up to the parenting plate. Sad, but true.

Sirzy Tue 23-Apr-19 08:18:02

Some children don’t even have a mother.

What is important is he is being cared for by someone who loves and cares for him and can meet his needs. A regular 3 days with one parent and 4 with another shouldn’t be an issue for the child at all - infact it could be very beneficial.

Don’t get your wants mixed up wigan what is best for him

UCOinanOCG Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:54

It is possible he wants more as he realises what an arse he has been and really want the time with his DS. It is also possible he wants more to make sure you get less time with him. Whatever the reasons, if he looks after your DS well and DS enjoys the time with him then this is what will be right for your child. I think it seems like a reasonable amount of time for a 3yo to have with his DF.

user1480880826 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:21:38

Why didn’t he give up a day of work to spend time with his son while you were together? Why is he now so desperate to do the things he refused to do before? This sounds like a control thing. I would push back if I were you.

@noworklifebalance 18 months away from your parents at the age of 3? I can’t remember how I felt about anything at the age of three so I suspect you don’t really remember the bits where you missed your parents. I would think it would be pretty odd for a 3 year old to be totally ok to be taken from their parents at such a young age, regardless of how much the people you were with loved you.

Nanny0gg Tue 23-Apr-19 08:23:23

A fairly usual way is one night in the week and eow.

HotSpotSpot Tue 23-Apr-19 08:27:10

I think three nights with his Dad and four nights with his Mum sounds good. The best thing for your son is if you and your ex can try and get on with coparenting your child. Three nights without your child might be hard for you though.
Do you work? Might the three days work well for you for childcare costs?

noworklifebalance Tue 23-Apr-19 08:28:27

user - I really was ok. My parents & I lived with my grandfather & aunt and so when I had to be left with them I was fine. I absolutely doted on them & vice versa. It was a war situation, so it was more complicated. It was, without doubt, hard for my parents.

NabooThatsWho Tue 23-Apr-19 08:29:16

Is he just wanting to pay you less maintenance?

OnlyFoolsnMothers Tue 23-Apr-19 08:29:18

Do you worry he won’t give your son the attention he needs when with him or just that he’s taking one or your days?

noworklifebalance Tue 23-Apr-19 08:29:27

Meant to add that it left no immediate or long term psychological effects on me but my parents were not to know that at the time.

SnuggyBuggy Tue 23-Apr-19 08:30:58

Morally it should depend on the child's relationship to the other party but obviously current thinking is contact with dad is always positive regardless of the dad's character or child's feelings.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:31:22

Thanks for your replies. I’m a fine with whatever the outcome will be because I love my DS more than I hate all the things my H has done to me. And if you all knew that is very difficult!

My only concern is my H previous problems whilst we were together. He was a lazy father as he was stoned all the time he was home, we fought and fought over it but he wouldn’t stop. He also has anger issues and has asked now for anger management (only taken 11 years and a divorce to go) for the previous 11 years he spent using me as a mental punchbag. He shouts at strangers in the street, in the car, has lost jobs, had a fellow employee up against the wall by the throat.

But now he wants to play a dad which is what I’ve been begging for. Has he turned a new leaf, will he get bored. I want to do what is best for DS but my trust in H is in tatters!

CostanzaG Tue 23-Apr-19 08:31:47

I would have thought as close to a 50/50 split would be best - providing both parents and loving/caring etc.

noworklifebalance Tue 23-Apr-19 08:35:43

Anyway, I don't want to derail the thread. My point was, as long as he is good, loving father and the child enjoys the time then an extra day with him away from the mother won't harm him.

mushroomsandtoadstools Tue 23-Apr-19 08:35:55

Equally, how long should a 3 year old be away from his Daddy?

YABU. What’s best for your son is to spend as equal a time as possible with both parents; three days is perfectly reasonable.

As long as your sons father is not abusive to him, it is irrelevant whether you trust him or think he’s lazy or even how much you used to parent when you were together.

Jimjamjong Tue 23-Apr-19 08:38:42

If he has never shown any interest, I would think it strange too. As someone said, is it to pay less/no maintenance? If he drops a day from work and has his son one more day then it's likely he will have to pay less. He doesn't seem like a doting father.

Jimjamjong Tue 23-Apr-19 08:39:49

The anger issues alone would worry me, you need patience to deal with a 3 years old. You should get legal advice.

SandyY2K Tue 23-Apr-19 08:39:53

The drug taking would concern me, but what is he like now?

Does he acknowledge he had issues and treated you badly?

HBStowe Tue 23-Apr-19 08:43:53

Normally I would say that three days with their father would be fine for a child, but I absolutely understand your concern here. I don’t think it has anything to do with how long a three yo should be away from their mother - there’s no hard rule, some kids don’t have mothers at all, etc - but it’s very important that your ex was mentally abusive to you and has anger issues. For that reason I would push back against his request for more days until he has exhibited a prolonged stretch of improved behaviour in which he controls his temper. In future he can perhaps have more days once he has proved himself.

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