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How long should a 3 year old be away from him mummy?

(98 Posts)
Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:52:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cakecakecheese Tue 23-Apr-19 08:45:56

How has he been getting on when he's had your son so far? I know it's hard to tell as you're not there but does he come back happy, clean etc? I can see why you'd have reservations based on his previous behaviour but if he does seem to have stepped up maybe you could allow it, but say it's on a trial basis depending on how your son adapts to the new set up.

Bittern11 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:48:13

Have any of the posters blithely saying 'Oh, it's fine for him to spend 3 days a week with a loving father' actually RTFT??

This man sounds very far from a loving father.

OP, I understand your concern.

Has he really changed?? All the anger issues would worry me, as well as the drug taking. Plus he sounds like a useless, lazy, unengaged parent before.

Does he really want to see his dc or does he want to control/hurt you?

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:49:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dippypippy1980 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:50:36

I did 50-50 custody for years. Worked okay then failed spectacularly!!

So, from my perspective only, children need a single home - my 7 year old now refers to our house as home becasue she spends the majority of her time here. Before it was mummy’s house and daddy’s house. Now it’s my house.

She is much more settled, even he school has commented.

She knows she will see her dad every weekend, and occassionally during the week, but the knows she will wake up in her own bed every school morning.

I regret doing the 50-50 access. While I really beleive her dad should be a big part of her life, I think it wouldn’t have been better for her to have one solid base.

Might not be the same for others. For info I went from 50-50 to her staying at her dads one night a week.

UCOinanOCG Tue 23-Apr-19 08:51:22

One fair OP didn't drop the stoned and verbally abusive bit in until a later post. Were we supposed to guess what was going on? I am many things but a mind reader I am not.

UCOinanOCG Tue 23-Apr-19 08:52:06

Should check my messages before sending. That should say.. To be fair the..

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:54:03

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:55:09

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:55:54

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Bittern11 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:00:11

Well, op said she was divorcing her H for unreasonable behaviour. She also said: when we were together my H hasn’t really been that fussed doing anything with DS, I used to have to beg him to read a bedtime story. His usual response was I’ve been at work and I’m tried you’ve done nothing all day so you do it. I’ve done every bedtime, bathtime etc whilst he has sat on the couch.

Didn't sound like Dad of the Year right from the OP.

What do you mean, won't pay maintenance, OP? Contact CMS.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:00:14

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:02:07

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:06:04

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:10:33

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Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:11:36

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TheSandgroper Tue 23-Apr-19 09:18:51

A good friend went through much of this during her divorce from Useless Fuckwit. She had the court order (in Aus) that he had to provide a clear hair sample before he could have the DC.. OP, he shaved his head. It took more than six months before he could have his children on his own without supervision.

Would such an arrangement help you?

snowbear66 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:19:42

I think you have to put things on a legal footing as the decisions you take now will affect the next 10-15 years.
You have ended up with nothing out of this marriage, he has the family home and pays no maintenance. Go through the CMS. Make him go to court to get more acces, see if he can really be bothered.

Yabbers Tue 23-Apr-19 09:21:35

He was a lazy father as he was stoned all the time he was home, we fought and fought over it but he wouldn’t stop. He also has anger issues and has asked now for anger management (only taken 11 years and a divorce to go) for the previous 11 years he spent using me as a mental punchbag. He shouts at strangers in the street, in the car, has lost jobs, had a fellow employee up against the wall by the throat.

That’s a rather different question to be asking than “how long with dad” If this is all the case, surely your question shouldn’t be about how long, but whether it’s appropriate for him to be with his dad unsupervised. Strange you wouldn’t lead with this drip fed information.

albayalby Tue 23-Apr-19 09:21:48

Penelope Leach wrote an article in the guardian a few years ago saying that children under the age of 5 do not benefit from any nights away from main care giver. It is worth googling it if you wanted to use that to justify your dc not spending any overnights.
I would be worried about my dc spending any overnights with the man you have described.
Would it be possible to persuade ex to spend time with his son for three days during the day only, so you still have him for overnights - you could say you are doing all the boring bits?
It sounds awful for you I am so sorry. Someone I know stayed with their dh so that they didn't have to put their dc through being alone with the dh - if you wanted to consider that, they managed it by removing themselves and dc if there was shouting, staying away from home on other pretexts to get breaks as much as possible, getting someone else involved to get the dh to stop the shouting. Her dh had no interest in the dc while the woman stayed with him, so it was fairly easy to keep their dc in a bubble away from the dh (as soon as she talked about leaving he suddenly wanted to be the doting father). It was very tough though.

Smumzo Tue 23-Apr-19 09:25:15

I wouldn't go straight in for 3 days/4 days. If he's as flaky as you say and you arrange work around DS being with DH on that weekday and suddenly he decides it's too much you'll be completely stuffed for childcare. If he's not physically taking care of DS then it's a no. EOW and tea once a week. See how it goes. Then later you can change it. But at least file with With CMS and see if anything gets coughed up.

Natsku Tue 23-Apr-19 09:26:08

Young children shouldn't be away from their primary carer too much, that bond is very very important and attachment issues can happen if there's too much separation so young (with older children 50/50 can work well though). If the dad had been very involved before the split then more time should be alright but as he wasn't then it's not in the child's best interests.

noworklifebalance Tue 23-Apr-19 09:29:03

Have any of the posters blithely saying 'Oh, it's fine for him to spend 3 days a week with a loving father' actually RTFT??

Yes, I have - it's not for us as a bunch of strangers to decide whether he is or not.
The question was how long is it ok for a 3 year old to be away from his mummy - question answered.
How long should HER 3 year old be away from her with her ex partner - well, she needs to answer that with all the info she knows about her ex partner. Maybe even 1 day with him unsupervised is too long? Maybe he has genuinely changed?
I know OP has subsequently posted but I haven't read those so may be more subsequent info.

Noonooyou Tue 23-Apr-19 09:33:19

Massive drip feed op!
That massively changes things.

A 3 year old is able to spend an equal amount of time with both mum and dad, most of the time.
Individual circumstances change this. Like a parent who smokes weed all the time. Why do posters only add in important information once the thread isn't going their way?!

Fundays12 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:34:30

I would say 3 days is fair although it maybe better if one of the days was during the week so it’s not to long for him. Have you thought about offering a compromise such as he can pick him up after nursery on a wed keep him for dinner or overnight then drop him off at nursery?

Oly4 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:46:07

Don’t respond to these demands. Seek legal advice and do it through a solicitor. Set out your concerns about the anger and drug-taking. Don’t be scared of this man

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