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To want to celebrate retirement but feel I can't as DB gets jealous and Moody.

(96 Posts)
Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:02:13

DH and I retire at the weekend. Not peacocking but also don't want people to have to read a drip feed so will give some background. DB went to super posh public school, I went to local comp. DB and SIL have made some lifestyle choices that we haven't and have ended up in significant debt on several occasions either DH or parents have either paid off or heavily funded. DB can get very jealous or moody and always makes comparisons between ours and others lifestyles compared to his. As a family we try to limit things that could contribute to this as much as possible.

So we retire this week. We have a boat, are renting our house out and sailing around the world although while we are still lucky enough to have DM will stay withing a 4 hour flight range and have made plans for her to come out to us, me to come home regularly and will be able to come home within 12 hours to her if needed. We are a very close and loving family but we always feel as though we are walking on egg shells to protect my brother's feelings (he's in his 50's, we are mid 40's).

We want to celebrate our retirement but instead are just pretending it isn't happening when he's around as he makes such snarky comments. We use Facebook, not for preening, just photo sharing and catching up with pals. I am so excited but this just feels like a grey cloud hanging over us. We aren't having a retirement party due to this and am wondering about a different Facebook page he won't know about where we can share our adventures while sparing his feelings.

Any advice? I know in my heart we shouldn't be pussyfooting around a grown man but I really don't want to potentially 'rub his nose in it'. On a side note there was no inheritance, lottery win etc that we have had that he hasn't. It's just been hard work, sensible decisions and sacrifices that have made this possible.

AIBU to want to celebrate, and if so how do we do it?! My only plan is a private FB page but don't even known if this is possible or sensible given my DM or someone will inevitably end up saying something and potentially making it even worse. First world problems. I know.

Destinesia Tue 23-Apr-19 16:55:41

You shouldn't have to censor yourself, your Brother can always unfollow you if he finds it too much.

About your travels and retirement, I would love to do this. I'd be really appreciate any guidance you have to get to your position.

Wishing you fun times and adventures.

NerdyBird Tue 23-Apr-19 16:53:13

May I suggest, for those that are interested in sailing, the books Casting Off and Untie the Lines by Emma Bamford. Both great reads about her adventures taking time out from work and sailing. I am not the author btw!

I think it sounds like a great plan OP, celebrate how you want and post on social media how you want, to make your life easier/happier. If that includes either restricting your brother's access or upsetting him so be it. Sounds like he doesn't mind upsetting you or cutting you out of his life so if you show him the same consideration he can hardly complain!

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 23-Apr-19 13:54:40

We retired about 18 months ago (early 50s) and have been rather taken aback by the thinly veiled envy and jealousy from a few of our friends and family.

We've told people for years that this was our long term plan, we retired very quietly; no big party or anything to rub anyone's nose in it and (with youngest still in school) we haven't had any big long trips yet. Still some people act like we've cheated the system or pulled a fast one. It's been an eye opener.

And no, we don't have millions.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Apr-19 13:35:43

Wow, well, I'm jealous that you can afford to jack in the daily grind to go and do what you want to do, but there's no way I would or could do the same as you're planning! Your bro is mad if he envies you spending at least a year being battered by the elements on a small boat. But of course that isn't what he wants at all.

DF bought a boat once. It was a 12ft dinghy which his friend who lived by the sea kept for him. They went puttering about in the estuary about twice a year, until the friend emigrated and the boat came back to our suburban garden, where it leaned against a tree for years and eventually became firewood. The rumours that went around his workplace about the luxury yacht though... (DF didn't put them straight, it amused the life out of him.)

Hearhere Tue 23-Apr-19 13:07:35

He is trying to force you to make yourself look smaller and less accomplished so that he can feel bigger and more accomplished
if you defer to him it will make him feel more powerful and he will increase his efforts to force you to look smaller and smaller
Give him an inch and he will try to take miles

Sunlov Tue 23-Apr-19 12:59:51

Fuck him.

Oldbutstillgotit Tue 23-Apr-19 12:57:25

I had similar when I retired a few months ago, not a relative but a close friend. She had wanted me to provide childcare for her daughter’s DD ( her daughter is my God daughter ). I refused and for weeks I had little digs whenever I did anything such as a holiday . At first I downplayed everything but then I thought sod it and am quite open - without boasting - about what I am doing . Enjoy your adventure.

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 12:08:40

I have PM'd a few people who have messaged me but not sure if they have gone through. Sorry, I have only used the message facility this a couple of times before.

TixieLix Tue 23-Apr-19 12:08:16

Respect to you OP for the achievement of being able to retire in your 40s. I am very envious, but wish you well on your travels.

JinglingHellsBells Tue 23-Apr-19 11:43:08

I can only reiterate @Pugwash1 that you have had serious guidance on your finances and are not going into this without such advice.

I don't actually believe in retirement as such unless you are working in a job you hate. I work freelance and intend to carry on as long as I can as it's mental stimulation. I can see if people are not happy at work retirement is attractive. But be warned OP- 40 + years is a long time to fill with 'fun' and you may find you get to 50ish and want to do something else. I am in my 60s and added 2 new strings to my bow at 50+. I'm not doing what I trained for at 18 any more.

NannyRed Tue 23-Apr-19 11:42:59

Sod him. Stop tiptoeing around him. You are not responsible for his happiness. He’s made his choices, you made yours. Enjoy
This ⬆️A thousand times.

RedPanda2 Tue 23-Apr-19 11:26:03

No advice just wanted to say your retirement sounds amazing, hope you enjoy every minute!

IggyAce Tue 23-Apr-19 11:16:15

Congratulations OP it sounds like you have an amazing adventure planned. Set up a group page on FB and perhaps an instagram account, I for one would love to follow your adventure.

Hearhere Tue 23-Apr-19 11:04:56

I think I would go the other way and wind him up on purpose
It could be really funny to watch him choking on those sour grapes

Adversecamber22 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:58:23

I retired in my forties but due to ill health so DH still has almost 20 years of working, he is younger than me.

Just one word of warning all your friends will still be working , your lucky in that you will have your DH plus you have a year of doing something that will totally immerse you. But once that year is over it is quite hard to fill the time unless you have something that can really give you structure.

I remember being that person who worked long hours, had a demanding job and had a huge commute. Leisure time was scarce and precious. Once you have all the time in the world it becomes less special. I would liken it to loving ice cream, which I do but I wouldn’t eat it every day.

Regarding your brother, I have a very different life to my siblings financially. One in particular was vile about my life, for ultimately other reasons I have now gone NC with her but all those years of her snide remarks. She wasn’t moody but is a very charming and manipulative person. I remember her ridiculing me in front of other family members when my cleaner rang me and she heard me speak to her. I hadn’t told them mainly because I didn’t want to be a show off. Don’t tolerate your brother and don’t give him anymore money.

Cbatothinkofaname Tue 23-Apr-19 10:35:28

Bottom line is: people make different decisions and prioritise different things from one another, and it’s very tedious when they subsequently don’t ‘own’ those decisions and whine jealously.

Not quite the same as your situation OP, but I’m planning to retire shortly; I’m older than you but it’ll still be early retirement. I can do this because I’ve been in full time teaching most of my career. Minimal maternity leaves, very short period of part time working, and I’ve taken on promotions which have meant longer commutes, more pressure, harder work. Yes, the teaching pension is a generous one but by god we pay for it (around 12% of my salary plus the blood, sweat and tears!) One of the LSAs at my school made a slightly sarky comment the other week - ‘alright for some’ type thing. Completely overlooking the fact she is a graduate, she is a very capable woman, she could be working in a professional career if she chose, but prefers to work 9-3.30 three days a week in a role which doesn’t carry anywhere near the responsibility of a teacher or indeed many other professionals.

Not denigrating the role of LSAs at all- they are amazing and Should be paid more. But the point is, we all make choices and it’s so whiny and pathetic to then abdicate responsibility for those choice and childishly claim it’s ‘not fair’

JaneEyre07 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:16:54

My DH and SIL have a really strained relationship. They both had same money from inheritances from their Mum and Dad - DH spent his buying and then building up a business. SIL squandered hers on weed, loaning hers to friends who never repaid it, and is now single having left her DH for an affair with a man who left when the money ran dry.

As a result, she's bitter beyond words and when DH recently bought himself a RR, she was nasty as hell.... made out he was personally responsible for global climate change, and how disappointed she was that he needed a status symbol etc. He came home from the garage all excited, but she just had to pop that balloon for him. Yet again.

I've stopped tiptoeing around her now, after 20 years of it. Nothing will ever make her feel that she's not the hard done by one, when nothing could be further from the truth. She's the one who made poor life choices and I'm buggered if DH and I will hide his good ones away. I'm bloody proud of him, and now make a point of celebrating his successes rather than hiding them away from her.

Don't enable your DB in his "poor me" attitude to life. Take ownership of your life and what you've done with it. Be proud and hang bunting from your retirement, celebrate it and enjoy every moment.

C8H10N4O2 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:15:32

In a world which apparently accepts cake smashes for babies and endless "showers" having a get together to celebrate the end of one major phase of life and moving to something new seems entirely reasonable.

Call it a "launch party" if it helps but really don't stifle your own happiness just because DB is a whinging, self centred git.

Enjoy your life, filter the idiot out of FB or other SM and continue with your plans.

LittleFeather92 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:55:29

I don’t think he puts much thought into being kind and protecting your feelings so I don’t think you should go out your way to protect him.

Ultimately it’s your Facebook so you can post what you like if he has issues he can choose to hide content until he’s ready to be grown up and be happy for you x

ncagain222 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:55:26

First of all congratulations OP - what a wonderful achievement! Secondly, would you be happy to share some general details on how you managed it? I would love to retire in my late 40s - it truly would be living the dream. Did you and your DH have very high earning jobs? I’m assuming yes!

Pk37 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:49:55

He sounds abit like my bil.
He’s 48 and dh is 38 and he’s so bitter because dh went to uni(paid for by himself ,not parents) and has a really good job .
Everything we do he’s like “nah, that’s shit. I wouldn’t do it/ like it”
Pooh Poohs our holidays as being rubbish and not his thing and can never say anything nice ..ok fair enough you don’t have to like our choices but for fucks sake just shut up and stop being so grumpy and mean spirited

ravenmum Tue 23-Apr-19 09:45:07

Sounds like you are both spending a surprising amount of time thinking about each other.

Just set it up so he doesn't see your posts, it's no big deal. Then have dinner with family and a proper do with friends, if it's that much stress for you.

Retirement at that age and then spending all your time just with your partner, far from any regular friends, sounds dreadful to me, but each to his own! grin

archivearmadillo Tue 23-Apr-19 09:42:48

Why don't you have a going away party?

I'm in my 40s and find the idea of retiring weird because it has implications of slippers, gardening and taking it easy because you're slowing down. The very word retiring means withdrawing from parts of life. I wouldn't assume retiring is positive at such a young age, it sounds like giving up. The only people I know who retired that young did so on health grounds and it was nothing to celebrate, it was connected to restricted ability and shorter life expectancy due to chronic illness.

However going off on a year off on a boat - way hey! It's only a year and who knows what you'll do after. It's not permanent, it's an adventure and the party isn't to float over financially not having to work but is to say goodbye for now.

Have a see you later party for your friends - why would your brother even know, he clearly isn't a friend.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells Tue 23-Apr-19 09:42:26

I know a lady who is doing this (so I'm wondering if you're her!!). I would stop pussyfooting around your brother and enjoy your own life. You can exclude him from posts on FB. Its easy to change your settings. It's about time he grew up and was not being enabled so much.

NotStayingIn Tue 23-Apr-19 09:41:48

Congrats on your upcoming adventure!

I agree with others, time to stop pandering to your brother. I would tell close family that I was done with his jealous ways and from now on would celebrate as appropriate without curtailing it to spare his fragile ego. I think you need to tell others so that when he kicks off, they understand what’s going on. Don’t ask them to take sides, or do the same as you, or anything like that. Just explain why you are doing it.

Personally I would call it the jacking our jobs in / the big sailing adventure goodbye party / whatever rather then a retirement party. You may want to work again in the next 25 years, who knows? Maybe in something totally different that you haven’t yet thought off. Just celebrate the great thing you’re doing now, why label it with such a definitive title?

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