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To want to celebrate retirement but feel I can't as DB gets jealous and Moody.

(96 Posts)
Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:02:13

DH and I retire at the weekend. Not peacocking but also don't want people to have to read a drip feed so will give some background. DB went to super posh public school, I went to local comp. DB and SIL have made some lifestyle choices that we haven't and have ended up in significant debt on several occasions either DH or parents have either paid off or heavily funded. DB can get very jealous or moody and always makes comparisons between ours and others lifestyles compared to his. As a family we try to limit things that could contribute to this as much as possible.

So we retire this week. We have a boat, are renting our house out and sailing around the world although while we are still lucky enough to have DM will stay withing a 4 hour flight range and have made plans for her to come out to us, me to come home regularly and will be able to come home within 12 hours to her if needed. We are a very close and loving family but we always feel as though we are walking on egg shells to protect my brother's feelings (he's in his 50's, we are mid 40's).

We want to celebrate our retirement but instead are just pretending it isn't happening when he's around as he makes such snarky comments. We use Facebook, not for preening, just photo sharing and catching up with pals. I am so excited but this just feels like a grey cloud hanging over us. We aren't having a retirement party due to this and am wondering about a different Facebook page he won't know about where we can share our adventures while sparing his feelings.

Any advice? I know in my heart we shouldn't be pussyfooting around a grown man but I really don't want to potentially 'rub his nose in it'. On a side note there was no inheritance, lottery win etc that we have had that he hasn't. It's just been hard work, sensible decisions and sacrifices that have made this possible.

AIBU to want to celebrate, and if so how do we do it?! My only plan is a private FB page but don't even known if this is possible or sensible given my DM or someone will inevitably end up saying something and potentially making it even worse. First world problems. I know.

NeverTwerkNaked Tue 23-Apr-19 07:48:22

A retirement party would be a ghastly idea. So sensible not to do that anyway.

But the sailing thing- I agree with others, set up a group people can join if they want to follow your adventures. Don’t pander to your brothers jealousy when others would enjoy reading about it!

But is “retirement” really the word here? Surely it’s more “new adventures”? Presumably you have all sorts of plans for how you will fill your time purposefully anyway? Retirement sounds a bit silly at 40 something.

ShanghaiDiva Tue 23-Apr-19 07:48:42

Congratulations on your retirement and ignore the comments from your brother. I don't see that posting on facebook is rubbing it - we all make different choices and early retirement is not everyone's goal. Have a party, celebrate - why not? Your brother clearly regrets some of the choices he has made, but sulking about it changes nothing.

Japonicaflower2 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:54:35

Congratulations!
One of my sisters is like this (albeit minus the debts), hasn't a nice word to say about anything or anyone., is very adept at snide comments.
I'd stop pussyfooting around and tell him to sod off personally, then start enjoying your hard earned retirement!
Bon voyage ⛵️

THEsonofaBITCH Tue 23-Apr-19 07:55:02

Share as little as possible with DB who will find a way to turn any good news negative or into sulk-fest, enjoy yourselves. Perhaps DB will get inspired to do more to make life better from your example, 50's isn't too late to improve things - I know someone who went from flat broke to millionaire having started at 49 with a new career in a new company.
I'm mildly jealous so ENJOY yourselves! smile

havingtochangeusernameagain Tue 23-Apr-19 07:55:50

Most people would be genuinely pleased that their relative, friend or partner had been able to achieve it

I am 47 and have given up work to freelance. That makes me feel guilty enough. I can't imagine how guilty I would feel if I opted out of the workplace at such a young age altogether.

That said, if the OP can genuinely afford to live comfortably for the next 50 odd years, they're not taking a job away from someone else who may need it more, so that's a really good thing.

Japonicaflower2 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:57:04

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest.
So you can't say anything nice then? Sounds rather envious to me 🙂

mabelsgarden Tue 23-Apr-19 07:57:15

Ignore the jealous git. You have worked hard and been careful and you both deserve it.

CAN I COME WITH YOU?! grin

leckford Tue 23-Apr-19 07:58:10

My brother was a bit like this, reduce contact, don’t invite him to things, donut tell him what you are doing.

It does not matter how much money you give him it will never be enough.

Retire and go and enjoy your life!

PregnantSea Tue 23-Apr-19 07:58:30

Just do whatever you want and don't pay any attention to your knobhead brother. If he wants to be jealous and snarky then let him. Not your problem

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Tue 23-Apr-19 08:01:43

Before you share pics on normal profile you can choose who doesn't see them just press the friends box on your status/pic and you can customise.

InsertFunnyUsername Tue 23-Apr-19 08:03:44

Oooooo im jealous!

Ideally you would tell your brother to stop being bitter, but i understand its more complicated than that sometimes.

I would just remove him off your facebook, rather than making a secret page that he will probably find out about anyway. Have fun OP.

Boulezvous Tue 23-Apr-19 08:10:44

OP I'd just do what you want to and enjoy sharing your stories and adventures. I'm not sure I'd have a retirement party though?!

I'm more interested in what you actually plan to do with your life after sailing around. Mid 40s is very early to retire given you could have more than half your life left - potentially another 50 years. How are you planning to fill your life with meaning and purpose? I'm currently in a gap between jobs and enjoying it but know I couldn't not work for a long time - I'd miss having that sense of purpose and fulfilment. So I'm not planning to retire for a long time and I'm in my mid 50s.

Without wanting to sound vulgar you must have a huge amount of money set aside to cover your future life and costs. I can't imagine!

HogMother Tue 23-Apr-19 08:13:59

I’d carry on as you are. If he doesn’t like to see your pics he can restrict his own news feed so he doesn’t see it. If he comments negatively on your posts, then maybe consider removing him, but I wouldn’t do it immediately.

I’m also rediculously jealous, but love to see people hard work and sacrifices paying off

MrsMozartMkII Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:11

Have a party.

Post pictures.

Enjoy your retirement lass. You've earned it.

As for the brother, well neither of you are living each other's lives so you can't control what each other does. Stop walking on eggshells.

Ohtherewearethen Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:46

Your brother sounds like a huge kill joy. Everyone about him will know this and eyeroll, at least internally, when he makes his shitty comments. To be honest I think I'd have to say something to him. I couldn't be bothered to be around someone who was so bitter and resentful all the time. This definitely reflects badly on him, not you.
Show him up next time he makes a comment, e.g., "Wow, most people are thrilled for us" or, "What a strange reaction to our years of hard work and clever choices". Just let him know his comments are absurd and unwanted.
Huge congrats on your new adventures! Sounds amazing! X

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:23:19

Thanks for the lovely and helpful messages. To answer some of the questions posted it wasn't in the hundreds of thousands but several tens of. I was never bothered about not attending the same school, parents just couldn't afford 2 lots and that was that. We didn't put forward the idea of a retirement party as we also thought it a bit 'smug' but all our friends asked when it was going to be. I am now thinking a quiet dinner with family. I might tell him about the seperate FB page and tell him if he wants to take a look have a look at mum's as have blocked him from seeing posts in the past after a nasty incident involving a picture of rain abroad which led to him having a massive public rant about it and then going NC with me for nearly a year. Other than that thanks for the good wishes. We are self sufficient so anyone that wants our hateful jobs are free to have them! We just sat down one day and said we have enough to do this. No more, no less. Enough. We know we are very fortunate to do this and are referring to it as the big trip so aren't always saying the R word! I shall PM the poster later who asked specifics but have to go to work.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 23-Apr-19 08:24:59

Please OP stop trying to spare his feelings..you have one more than enough and you and your DH have earned this....enjoy life! Go have your adventure and be happy ....This is his problem not yours...stop making allowances for this fool of a man and his sulking...

Springisallaround Tue 23-Apr-19 08:26:20

I wouldn't bang on about retiring in your 40's. It is unusual and even though most will be happy for you, it will make people jealous, because even with hard work and sacrifices, it's not possible for most. Plus you may want to work in some capacity in the future, so I wouldn't make a huge declaration/party at this stage.

I would bang on about sailing around the world, though- set up a FB page and put on lots of pictures! Ignore him, or don't invite him on this page.

I have a friend whose husband retired at 40, they told friends in a quiet natural way and made it all about the 'next adventure'. They are very wealthy but manage to make it seem no big deal at the same time, so that other who don't have the same opportunities or haven't made the same choices can still be happy for them.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 23-Apr-19 08:26:36

you have done more than enough I meant!

Springisallaround Tue 23-Apr-19 08:27:47

Having read your post, you seem to have it in hand. You won't please this stroppy man anyway, so don't even try.

Accountant222 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:32:43

Congratulations, have a ball.

You owe him nothing, you have been more than fair.

kaldefotter Tue 23-Apr-19 08:36:27

On Facebook, you can create a group that you share posts with - make that your “everyone except DB group”.

Then change your settings so that by default your posts are seen by that group. Post as often as you like.

Only on the occasional post (that you want him to see), change the settings to “all friends”. If he asks, tell him you don’t use Facebook much.

highstresslevels Tue 23-Apr-19 08:44:43

I personally wouldn't feel the need to document my travels on facebook, private page or otherwise... if I had that lifestyle- enjoying it myself would be enough.
People will be jealous if they are going out to work every day (working hard also and making sacrifices!) and seeing your photos of endless holidays will probably make them feel a bit shit. Not saying that is right of them to feel that way!

Holidayshopping Tue 23-Apr-19 08:45:36

after a nasty incident involving a picture of rain abroad

I really need to know more details about this!!

sighrollseyes Tue 23-Apr-19 08:47:28

Ignore him! Well done you for making choices that have enabled you to have this retirement to enjoy. Sod everyone else!

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