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To want to celebrate retirement but feel I can't as DB gets jealous and Moody.

(96 Posts)
Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:02:13

DH and I retire at the weekend. Not peacocking but also don't want people to have to read a drip feed so will give some background. DB went to super posh public school, I went to local comp. DB and SIL have made some lifestyle choices that we haven't and have ended up in significant debt on several occasions either DH or parents have either paid off or heavily funded. DB can get very jealous or moody and always makes comparisons between ours and others lifestyles compared to his. As a family we try to limit things that could contribute to this as much as possible.

So we retire this week. We have a boat, are renting our house out and sailing around the world although while we are still lucky enough to have DM will stay withing a 4 hour flight range and have made plans for her to come out to us, me to come home regularly and will be able to come home within 12 hours to her if needed. We are a very close and loving family but we always feel as though we are walking on egg shells to protect my brother's feelings (he's in his 50's, we are mid 40's).

We want to celebrate our retirement but instead are just pretending it isn't happening when he's around as he makes such snarky comments. We use Facebook, not for preening, just photo sharing and catching up with pals. I am so excited but this just feels like a grey cloud hanging over us. We aren't having a retirement party due to this and am wondering about a different Facebook page he won't know about where we can share our adventures while sparing his feelings.

Any advice? I know in my heart we shouldn't be pussyfooting around a grown man but I really don't want to potentially 'rub his nose in it'. On a side note there was no inheritance, lottery win etc that we have had that he hasn't. It's just been hard work, sensible decisions and sacrifices that have made this possible.

AIBU to want to celebrate, and if so how do we do it?! My only plan is a private FB page but don't even known if this is possible or sensible given my DM or someone will inevitably end up saying something and potentially making it even worse. First world problems. I know.

ThanosSavedMe Tue 23-Apr-19 07:05:06

Sod him. Stop tiptoeing around him. You are not responsible for his happiness. He’s made his choices, you made yours. Enjoy

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:06:07

Sorry, it was meant to read either my parents or me and DH have paid. Not my parents and DH.

Merryoldgoat Tue 23-Apr-19 07:06:44


Personally I wouldn’t put up with your brother’s behaviour - I’d have said a long time ago that he needs to deal with his jealousy or fuck odd and mean it.

He’s jealous so you don’t get to enjoy the life you’ve earned?

Looks like he’s learned his expensive education hasn’t made him thecsuperior specimen he thought it would.

Your brother is a prick.

icelollycraving Tue 23-Apr-19 07:12:57

I’d personally just restrict what he sees on fb which is very easy to do. If he hears of something and gets stroppy you can explain that you had restricted him seeing it himself due to his feelings. Alternatively you could tell him to suck it up because you’ve made your choices and you will enjoy the fruits of your labours.
To retire in your 40s is an amazing achievement. Lucky you, have a bloody ball!

BigChocFrenzy Tue 23-Apr-19 07:16:22

Congratulations on a lovely early retirement

I would stop pandering to this tantrumming manchild, as it will only get worse
Celebrate all you want, exactly as you want
That's not "rubbing it in"

If he makes snarky comments, don't just passively accept them - tell him not to be so jealous and childish
If he's a real pain, go NC as much as possible

C0untDucku1a Tue 23-Apr-19 07:16:29

Restrict your brother.

Dont tiptoe around him.

Dont pay off any more of his debt.

Chickencellar Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:10

I'm not sure why you as a family tip toe round him. He strikes me as the sort of person that is never happy with his lot and wouldn't do anything to change it , well apart from being bailed out. Again I imagine he sees that as his right because of the differences in money. Which assume is fairly large ?

Chottie Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:12

Congratulations to you both - your retirement sounds fab!

Ignore your brother, he made his choices and you and your DP have made yours.

TemporaryPermanent Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:28

Just put stuff on your normal fb if you want. Yes he'll probably kick off a bit. Won't he do that anyway?

I recently put some holiday pics up on FB. I was widowed just over a year ago and there is a huge breach in the family with one branch blaming me for the death. I didn't play anything on fb for a long time because I knew that one member of the other branch is still a 'friend' of mine, we are in a bit if contact and I was worried about stuff somehow being used by the angry family members.

But after a bit I just thought I should own my own decisions. We went on a big holiday because we could, and because I felt it would help us as we get used to dh not being here. it made us very happy and I wanted to let my circle of friends know. The angry people will still be angry; let it be. Treat them as adults.

Unicornshopkeeper Tue 23-Apr-19 07:21:27

Congratulations! Apart from the fact that my youngest is only 1 (I'm 41) I'd love to be setting off around the world for a year.

You can restrict your FB post settings so that they are seen by a group. Just make sure he's not part of that group.

But I too can't see why your pussy footing around him. He made his bed

Holidayshopping Tue 23-Apr-19 07:23:48

Mid 40s and retiring-wow, I’m super jealous, too wink!

I think I’d tell him as little as possible.

Goldenphoenix Tue 23-Apr-19 07:24:11

Congratulations, sounds amazing!
Stop enabling your brother's behaviour, if he is going to be that stroppy then have it out with him. He can suck it up and behave like a grown up or you will go no contact

Stayawayfromitsmouth Tue 23-Apr-19 07:24:30

Why do you feel you owe your brother a living?
If anything it sounds like he benefitted from better financial times from your parents and pissed it all away.
I couldn't put up with this and I don't with my own older sister who hasn't worked a day in her life because she's an 'artist'.

mummmy2017 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:26:28

Your doing him no favours, trying to hide your retirement, he knows it is happening.
Just plan drinks with friends and have a bon voyage party...
Live the life you earnt.

Sunonthepatio Tue 23-Apr-19 07:27:11

Congratulations. Don't restrict your Facebook page; he'll find out, and be very hurt. People always do. It's a young persons solution.

I think the best thing is to front it up. It isn't healthy either for you or him to pussyfoot around him. If he makes spiteful remarks on your public page, that's different. In that scenario, block or reduce what he sees all you want, as you can explain it honestly when he notices. Don't reduce your life to spare his feelings- he might actually become happier once he has faced himself.

Dillydallyingthrough Tue 23-Apr-19 07:28:33

Congratulations on retiring OP, what a brilliant achievement!!

If DB makes a snarky remark, what about responding with "if you don't have anything nice to say". He's an adult- he needs to deal with his own insecurities. You would only need to be brave a few times and he will stop.

Have an amazing adventure!

pinkyredrose Tue 23-Apr-19 07:29:38

Let your brother be a jealous bitter twat. He doesn't deserve your headspace when he treats you like this. Restrict what he can see on fb and go and enjoy your plans, sounds like a wonderful life you have!

Sunonthepatio Tue 23-Apr-19 07:29:56

Yes ,that is the point- he's an adult so treat him like one.

Oceangirl82 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:34:42

Pugwash Interested in the sailing bit, I’ve just finished 5 years as a live aboard cruisers, what’s your plans. Don’t want to hi jack your thread so happy to receive a PM

M4J4 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:36:19

How much has your DH and parents bailed DB out for? Are we taking hundreds of thousands? shock

Stop bailing out the entitled shit! And why didn't you go to the public school but DB did? Was there no money to send you?

You could create a Facebook group called 'Pugwash's Travels' and invite the friends and family who would be happy to see your travel pics and tales.

Or you can exclude DB and SIL from seeing your pictures in your albums. This may give them something to gripe about so I think a Facebook group would be better.

catofaragon Tue 23-Apr-19 07:38:09

I'm not sure about the retirement party - I know lots of retired people, including my DH (I'm a bit older than you) and none have celebrated retirement as such. It's just been something that happens.

But in terms of everything else, just behave as you normally would. Share your pictures and your joy for all of the people who will be happy for you. Congratulations on achieving what you have achieved and you sound very thoughtful in the way that you're considering your mum in your plans. Hope the next stage of your life is wonderful!

ArgyMargy Tue 23-Apr-19 07:41:55

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest.

RosamundDarnley Tue 23-Apr-19 07:44:58

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest

Most people would be genuinely pleased that their relative, friend or partner had been able to achieve it. hmm

Babynamess Tue 23-Apr-19 07:45:10

Enjoy your retirement and let him lump it. Why did your parents choose to only educate one of you privately? Surely a possible recipe for disaster.

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