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To want to celebrate retirement but feel I can't as DB gets jealous and Moody.

(96 Posts)
Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:02:13

DH and I retire at the weekend. Not peacocking but also don't want people to have to read a drip feed so will give some background. DB went to super posh public school, I went to local comp. DB and SIL have made some lifestyle choices that we haven't and have ended up in significant debt on several occasions either DH or parents have either paid off or heavily funded. DB can get very jealous or moody and always makes comparisons between ours and others lifestyles compared to his. As a family we try to limit things that could contribute to this as much as possible.

So we retire this week. We have a boat, are renting our house out and sailing around the world although while we are still lucky enough to have DM will stay withing a 4 hour flight range and have made plans for her to come out to us, me to come home regularly and will be able to come home within 12 hours to her if needed. We are a very close and loving family but we always feel as though we are walking on egg shells to protect my brother's feelings (he's in his 50's, we are mid 40's).

We want to celebrate our retirement but instead are just pretending it isn't happening when he's around as he makes such snarky comments. We use Facebook, not for preening, just photo sharing and catching up with pals. I am so excited but this just feels like a grey cloud hanging over us. We aren't having a retirement party due to this and am wondering about a different Facebook page he won't know about where we can share our adventures while sparing his feelings.

Any advice? I know in my heart we shouldn't be pussyfooting around a grown man but I really don't want to potentially 'rub his nose in it'. On a side note there was no inheritance, lottery win etc that we have had that he hasn't. It's just been hard work, sensible decisions and sacrifices that have made this possible.

AIBU to want to celebrate, and if so how do we do it?! My only plan is a private FB page but don't even known if this is possible or sensible given my DM or someone will inevitably end up saying something and potentially making it even worse. First world problems. I know.

ThanosSavedMe Tue 23-Apr-19 07:05:06

Sod him. Stop tiptoeing around him. You are not responsible for his happiness. He’s made his choices, you made yours. Enjoy

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:06:07

Sorry, it was meant to read either my parents or me and DH have paid. Not my parents and DH.

Merryoldgoat Tue 23-Apr-19 07:06:44

Congratulations!

Personally I wouldn’t put up with your brother’s behaviour - I’d have said a long time ago that he needs to deal with his jealousy or fuck odd and mean it.

He’s jealous so you don’t get to enjoy the life you’ve earned?

Looks like he’s learned his expensive education hasn’t made him thecsuperior specimen he thought it would.

Your brother is a prick.

icelollycraving Tue 23-Apr-19 07:12:57

I’d personally just restrict what he sees on fb which is very easy to do. If he hears of something and gets stroppy you can explain that you had restricted him seeing it himself due to his feelings. Alternatively you could tell him to suck it up because you’ve made your choices and you will enjoy the fruits of your labours.
To retire in your 40s is an amazing achievement. Lucky you, have a bloody ball!

BigChocFrenzy Tue 23-Apr-19 07:16:22

Congratulations on a lovely early retirement

I would stop pandering to this tantrumming manchild, as it will only get worse
Celebrate all you want, exactly as you want
That's not "rubbing it in"

If he makes snarky comments, don't just passively accept them - tell him not to be so jealous and childish
If he's a real pain, go NC as much as possible

C0untDucku1a Tue 23-Apr-19 07:16:29

Restrict your brother.

Dont tiptoe around him.

Dont pay off any more of his debt.

Chickencellar Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:10

I'm not sure why you as a family tip toe round him. He strikes me as the sort of person that is never happy with his lot and wouldn't do anything to change it , well apart from being bailed out. Again I imagine he sees that as his right because of the differences in money. Which assume is fairly large ?

Chottie Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:12

Congratulations to you both - your retirement sounds fab!

Ignore your brother, he made his choices and you and your DP have made yours.

TemporaryPermanent Tue 23-Apr-19 07:19:28

Just put stuff on your normal fb if you want. Yes he'll probably kick off a bit. Won't he do that anyway?

I recently put some holiday pics up on FB. I was widowed just over a year ago and there is a huge breach in the family with one branch blaming me for the death. I didn't play anything on fb for a long time because I knew that one member of the other branch is still a 'friend' of mine, we are in a bit if contact and I was worried about stuff somehow being used by the angry family members.

But after a bit I just thought I should own my own decisions. We went on a big holiday because we could, and because I felt it would help us as we get used to dh not being here. it made us very happy and I wanted to let my circle of friends know. The angry people will still be angry; let it be. Treat them as adults.

Unicornshopkeeper Tue 23-Apr-19 07:21:27

Congratulations! Apart from the fact that my youngest is only 1 (I'm 41) I'd love to be setting off around the world for a year.

You can restrict your FB post settings so that they are seen by a group. Just make sure he's not part of that group.

But I too can't see why your pussy footing around him. He made his bed

Holidayshopping Tue 23-Apr-19 07:23:48

Mid 40s and retiring-wow, I’m super jealous, too wink!

I think I’d tell him as little as possible.

Goldenphoenix Tue 23-Apr-19 07:24:11

Congratulations, sounds amazing!
Stop enabling your brother's behaviour, if he is going to be that stroppy then have it out with him. He can suck it up and behave like a grown up or you will go no contact

Stayawayfromitsmouth Tue 23-Apr-19 07:24:30

Why do you feel you owe your brother a living?
If anything it sounds like he benefitted from better financial times from your parents and pissed it all away.
I couldn't put up with this and I don't with my own older sister who hasn't worked a day in her life because she's an 'artist'.

mummmy2017 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:26:28

Your doing him no favours, trying to hide your retirement, he knows it is happening.
Just plan drinks with friends and have a bon voyage party...
Live the life you earnt.

Sunonthepatio Tue 23-Apr-19 07:27:11

Congratulations. Don't restrict your Facebook page; he'll find out, and be very hurt. People always do. It's a young persons solution.

I think the best thing is to front it up. It isn't healthy either for you or him to pussyfoot around him. If he makes spiteful remarks on your public page, that's different. In that scenario, block or reduce what he sees all you want, as you can explain it honestly when he notices. Don't reduce your life to spare his feelings- he might actually become happier once he has faced himself.

Dillydallyingthrough Tue 23-Apr-19 07:28:33

Congratulations on retiring OP, what a brilliant achievement!!

If DB makes a snarky remark, what about responding with "if you don't have anything nice to say". He's an adult- he needs to deal with his own insecurities. You would only need to be brave a few times and he will stop.

Have an amazing adventure!

pinkyredrose Tue 23-Apr-19 07:29:38

Let your brother be a jealous bitter twat. He doesn't deserve your headspace when he treats you like this. Restrict what he can see on fb and go and enjoy your plans, sounds like a wonderful life you have!

Sunonthepatio Tue 23-Apr-19 07:29:56

Yes ,that is the point- he's an adult so treat him like one.

Oceangirl82 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:34:42

Pugwash Interested in the sailing bit, I’ve just finished 5 years as a live aboard cruisers, what’s your plans. Don’t want to hi jack your thread so happy to receive a PM

M4J4 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:36:19

How much has your DH and parents bailed DB out for? Are we taking hundreds of thousands? shock

Stop bailing out the entitled shit! And why didn't you go to the public school but DB did? Was there no money to send you?

You could create a Facebook group called 'Pugwash's Travels' and invite the friends and family who would be happy to see your travel pics and tales.

Or you can exclude DB and SIL from seeing your pictures in your albums. This may give them something to gripe about so I think a Facebook group would be better.

catofaragon Tue 23-Apr-19 07:38:09

I'm not sure about the retirement party - I know lots of retired people, including my DH (I'm a bit older than you) and none have celebrated retirement as such. It's just been something that happens.

But in terms of everything else, just behave as you normally would. Share your pictures and your joy for all of the people who will be happy for you. Congratulations on achieving what you have achieved and you sound very thoughtful in the way that you're considering your mum in your plans. Hope the next stage of your life is wonderful!

ArgyMargy Tue 23-Apr-19 07:41:55

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest.

RosamundDarnley Tue 23-Apr-19 07:44:58

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest

Most people would be genuinely pleased that their relative, friend or partner had been able to achieve it. hmm

Babynamess Tue 23-Apr-19 07:45:10

Enjoy your retirement and let him lump it. Why did your parents choose to only educate one of you privately? Surely a possible recipe for disaster.

NeverTwerkNaked Tue 23-Apr-19 07:48:22

A retirement party would be a ghastly idea. So sensible not to do that anyway.

But the sailing thing- I agree with others, set up a group people can join if they want to follow your adventures. Don’t pander to your brothers jealousy when others would enjoy reading about it!

But is “retirement” really the word here? Surely it’s more “new adventures”? Presumably you have all sorts of plans for how you will fill your time purposefully anyway? Retirement sounds a bit silly at 40 something.

ShanghaiDiva Tue 23-Apr-19 07:48:42

Congratulations on your retirement and ignore the comments from your brother. I don't see that posting on facebook is rubbing it - we all make different choices and early retirement is not everyone's goal. Have a party, celebrate - why not? Your brother clearly regrets some of the choices he has made, but sulking about it changes nothing.

Japonicaflower2 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:54:35

Congratulations!
One of my sisters is like this (albeit minus the debts), hasn't a nice word to say about anything or anyone., is very adept at snide comments.
I'd stop pussyfooting around and tell him to sod off personally, then start enjoying your hard earned retirement!
Bon voyage ⛵️

THEsonofaBITCH Tue 23-Apr-19 07:55:02

Share as little as possible with DB who will find a way to turn any good news negative or into sulk-fest, enjoy yourselves. Perhaps DB will get inspired to do more to make life better from your example, 50's isn't too late to improve things - I know someone who went from flat broke to millionaire having started at 49 with a new career in a new company.
I'm mildly jealous so ENJOY yourselves! smile

havingtochangeusernameagain Tue 23-Apr-19 07:55:50

Most people would be genuinely pleased that their relative, friend or partner had been able to achieve it

I am 47 and have given up work to freelance. That makes me feel guilty enough. I can't imagine how guilty I would feel if I opted out of the workplace at such a young age altogether.

That said, if the OP can genuinely afford to live comfortably for the next 50 odd years, they're not taking a job away from someone else who may need it more, so that's a really good thing.

Japonicaflower2 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:57:04

Having a retirement party in your mid-40s is a horrific concept. I can't imagine anyone wanting to attend such a smug-fest.
So you can't say anything nice then? Sounds rather envious to me 🙂

mabelsgarden Tue 23-Apr-19 07:57:15

Ignore the jealous git. You have worked hard and been careful and you both deserve it.

CAN I COME WITH YOU?! grin

leckford Tue 23-Apr-19 07:58:10

My brother was a bit like this, reduce contact, don’t invite him to things, donut tell him what you are doing.

It does not matter how much money you give him it will never be enough.

Retire and go and enjoy your life!

PregnantSea Tue 23-Apr-19 07:58:30

Just do whatever you want and don't pay any attention to your knobhead brother. If he wants to be jealous and snarky then let him. Not your problem

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Tue 23-Apr-19 08:01:43

Before you share pics on normal profile you can choose who doesn't see them just press the friends box on your status/pic and you can customise.

InsertFunnyUsername Tue 23-Apr-19 08:03:44

Oooooo im jealous!

Ideally you would tell your brother to stop being bitter, but i understand its more complicated than that sometimes.

I would just remove him off your facebook, rather than making a secret page that he will probably find out about anyway. Have fun OP.

Boulezvous Tue 23-Apr-19 08:10:44

OP I'd just do what you want to and enjoy sharing your stories and adventures. I'm not sure I'd have a retirement party though?!

I'm more interested in what you actually plan to do with your life after sailing around. Mid 40s is very early to retire given you could have more than half your life left - potentially another 50 years. How are you planning to fill your life with meaning and purpose? I'm currently in a gap between jobs and enjoying it but know I couldn't not work for a long time - I'd miss having that sense of purpose and fulfilment. So I'm not planning to retire for a long time and I'm in my mid 50s.

Without wanting to sound vulgar you must have a huge amount of money set aside to cover your future life and costs. I can't imagine!

HogMother Tue 23-Apr-19 08:13:59

I’d carry on as you are. If he doesn’t like to see your pics he can restrict his own news feed so he doesn’t see it. If he comments negatively on your posts, then maybe consider removing him, but I wouldn’t do it immediately.

I’m also rediculously jealous, but love to see people hard work and sacrifices paying off

MrsMozartMkII Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:11

Have a party.

Post pictures.

Enjoy your retirement lass. You've earned it.

As for the brother, well neither of you are living each other's lives so you can't control what each other does. Stop walking on eggshells.

Ohtherewearethen Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:46

Your brother sounds like a huge kill joy. Everyone about him will know this and eyeroll, at least internally, when he makes his shitty comments. To be honest I think I'd have to say something to him. I couldn't be bothered to be around someone who was so bitter and resentful all the time. This definitely reflects badly on him, not you.
Show him up next time he makes a comment, e.g., "Wow, most people are thrilled for us" or, "What a strange reaction to our years of hard work and clever choices". Just let him know his comments are absurd and unwanted.
Huge congrats on your new adventures! Sounds amazing! X

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:23:19

Thanks for the lovely and helpful messages. To answer some of the questions posted it wasn't in the hundreds of thousands but several tens of. I was never bothered about not attending the same school, parents just couldn't afford 2 lots and that was that. We didn't put forward the idea of a retirement party as we also thought it a bit 'smug' but all our friends asked when it was going to be. I am now thinking a quiet dinner with family. I might tell him about the seperate FB page and tell him if he wants to take a look have a look at mum's as have blocked him from seeing posts in the past after a nasty incident involving a picture of rain abroad which led to him having a massive public rant about it and then going NC with me for nearly a year. Other than that thanks for the good wishes. We are self sufficient so anyone that wants our hateful jobs are free to have them! We just sat down one day and said we have enough to do this. No more, no less. Enough. We know we are very fortunate to do this and are referring to it as the big trip so aren't always saying the R word! I shall PM the poster later who asked specifics but have to go to work.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 23-Apr-19 08:24:59

Please OP stop trying to spare his feelings..you have one more than enough and you and your DH have earned this....enjoy life! Go have your adventure and be happy ....This is his problem not yours...stop making allowances for this fool of a man and his sulking...

Springisallaround Tue 23-Apr-19 08:26:20

I wouldn't bang on about retiring in your 40's. It is unusual and even though most will be happy for you, it will make people jealous, because even with hard work and sacrifices, it's not possible for most. Plus you may want to work in some capacity in the future, so I wouldn't make a huge declaration/party at this stage.

I would bang on about sailing around the world, though- set up a FB page and put on lots of pictures! Ignore him, or don't invite him on this page.

I have a friend whose husband retired at 40, they told friends in a quiet natural way and made it all about the 'next adventure'. They are very wealthy but manage to make it seem no big deal at the same time, so that other who don't have the same opportunities or haven't made the same choices can still be happy for them.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 23-Apr-19 08:26:36

you have done more than enough I meant!

Springisallaround Tue 23-Apr-19 08:27:47

Having read your post, you seem to have it in hand. You won't please this stroppy man anyway, so don't even try.

Accountant222 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:32:43

Congratulations, have a ball.

You owe him nothing, you have been more than fair.

kaldefotter Tue 23-Apr-19 08:36:27

On Facebook, you can create a group that you share posts with - make that your “everyone except DB group”.

Then change your settings so that by default your posts are seen by that group. Post as often as you like.

Only on the occasional post (that you want him to see), change the settings to “all friends”. If he asks, tell him you don’t use Facebook much.

highstresslevels Tue 23-Apr-19 08:44:43

I personally wouldn't feel the need to document my travels on facebook, private page or otherwise... if I had that lifestyle- enjoying it myself would be enough.
People will be jealous if they are going out to work every day (working hard also and making sacrifices!) and seeing your photos of endless holidays will probably make them feel a bit shit. Not saying that is right of them to feel that way!

Holidayshopping Tue 23-Apr-19 08:45:36

after a nasty incident involving a picture of rain abroad

I really need to know more details about this!!

sighrollseyes Tue 23-Apr-19 08:47:28

Ignore him! Well done you for making choices that have enabled you to have this retirement to enjoy. Sod everyone else!

JinglingHellsBells Tue 23-Apr-19 08:51:15

@Pugwash1
Ignore your brother. He's not your responsibility. You can block him from Fbook using the settings.

On a practical note, I hope you have taken sound financial advice?

You have another 50 years of life perhaps. The amount of money you will need - allowing for inflation- is considerable. Unless you have each had very good jobs and have saved millions, it sounds dodgy stopping work in your 40s.

I have been going through the financial side with a FA. It's complicated, and I can't stress too strongly how you need good advice. By the time you reach state retirement age, state pensions will be later again, or maybe not exist in current form.

Between us, DH and I have a substantial pension pot, but it will still be less than our current joint income and it will need to be managed carefully to allow for inflation.

Have you really done the maths?

DisplayPurposesOnly Tue 23-Apr-19 08:54:38

If you don't like to say the R word, call it a career break. Then an extended career break... grin

I'm another who thinks your brother should be ignored and you should do whatever is right for you. It sounds like a year of no-contact must have been a welcome break. He's probably pissed off that firstly you've been able to bail him out previously and secondly that you won't be doing it again now you're on a 'career break'.

Fiveredbricks Tue 23-Apr-19 08:55:46

The reason he is like this is because all of you have pussy footed around him for his whole life. Get a grip and live your bloody life.

Ninkaninus Tue 23-Apr-19 08:56:39

You’re seriously doing him no favours babying him like that.

What s ridiculous dynamic, a load of adults creeping around a grown-up so he doesn’t get moody and jealous.

Just have the party like you were planning to, and go about your retired life with pride and joy and stop pandering to your brother’s spoilt behaviour.

Fiveredbricks Tue 23-Apr-19 08:57:23

Also, retiring in your 40's? Did you win the lottery or are you billionaires? A few million wont keep you going for 50yrs with inflation.

Ninkaninus Tue 23-Apr-19 08:57:58

And your parents need to stop it too. They’re the ones who’ve enabled him in this for probably his whole life, and have expected you to do the same.

whyohwhyowhydididoit Tue 23-Apr-19 09:01:03

Sadly when it comes to sibling relationships a lot of us never properly grow up. We react to one another exactly as we did when we were children and living at home together. So sibling rivalry and competition can be as strong and unreasonable at age 50 as it was at age 10 and that certainly sounds like it is the case here.

It sound as if whatever you do your brother will find fault OP so make the decisions that will bring you and your DH the most pleasure and try to rise above his reaction. Don’t let his possible reactions influence your choices or spoil your well earned retirement.

Ninkaninus Tue 23-Apr-19 09:01:36

Wow just read your comment about the rant and NC. WTF?? Why are you pandering to this? Seriously, he needs to be told to get a grip. And if he really can’t (or most likely won’t), then you really need to get yourself a grip and stop colluding with your parents and him in this really unhealthy dynamic.

museumum Tue 23-Apr-19 09:11:02

I’d do a separate fb or blog anyway. I’m sure people will love to follow your adventures but maybe not have it always popping up in their feed all the time. Friends of mine who’ve had grown up gap years etc have done similar.

eddielizzard Tue 23-Apr-19 09:11:19

You've been conditioned to enable him and put him first. Not have a party to spare his feelings?! How insane is that! Any truly loving family wouldn't be in that position. So let's rather say that you have a close and loving family as long as you spend huge amounts paying off his debts and constantly walking on eggshells so as not to set your DB off. That isn't actually a close and loving family, that's an illusion.

So you need to come to terms with the illusion and then feel confident and strong enough to stop painting it, and start enjoying your life.

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:12:30

For those asking about finances happy for you to PM me for specifics if you are interested. But rest assured we have taken a lot of independent financial advice from multiple professionals! No way would we undertake this without having done so first!

BlueSkiesLies Tue 23-Apr-19 09:14:00

I think it’s quite typical to have a going away / new adventures / retirement party when you jack in work and go off sailing around the world.

As your friends I’d want to come to such an event.

Just have a friends party don’t invite your bro.

FB - either remove him or ignore him. Don’t do a new profile.

PMSL at all the ‘how will you fill your life with meaning’ posts. A fuck ton of people posting on here don’t exactly have much meaning to their lives beyond going to work to pay the bills and keep their children alive. I’m sure the Op will cope 😂

CoraPirbright Tue 23-Apr-19 09:14:13

So he has benefitted to the tune of thousands of pounds of your parents money for his education whilst yours was free....then you all continue to bail him out into his 50’s??

Let me guess - there is no repayment plan for you and your dh?!

Your brother sounds utterly awful and I would stop pussy footing around him.

Easterbunnynearlyhere Tue 23-Apr-19 09:17:46

In your travels reel in a big fish, when you next see your db give his face a big slap with it. What a big bloody bratty baby he is!!

Dippypippy1980 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:18:01

It’s hard for many of us to get in ur heads around being able to retire so young, but well done. I know one or two who have done it - sold businesses etc. It’s amazing.

Most people would be jealous - I certainly am😊. But we are mature enough to be pleased for the person who has had this great opportunity.

Enjoy it, celebrate it and certainly don’t hide or dimish it.

It’s time your brother grew up.

WitsEnding Tue 23-Apr-19 09:18:17

Please don't let him cast a shadow on your life. I retired in my late 50s and in your circumstances I would definitely have had a party. If you don't want to call it a retirement party then a going-away party as you'll miss some regular occasions, summer BBQs etc.

Totally agree with all the posters who think the DB should be told to grow the fuck up and keep his unwanted opinions to himself. Public schooling seems to have been ineffective in teaching that very basic courtesy.

LoubyLou1234 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:24:49

Have a gathering if you want one to say goodbye to people while you are off in your travels. It doesn't have to be a retirement party so to speak.

I wouldnt restrict your brother on social media. If he doesn't like it he could mute your posts/notifications. He is an adult and it's not your fault you made better choices in life.

It's amazing you can retire like this and enjoy life so good luck to you. Life is too short and we should be enjoying what we have if others don't like it that is their issue.

MirandaGoshawk Tue 23-Apr-19 09:31:11

Congratulations! Sounds fantastic. Do you need a cook? ;)
Don't have a separate FB page - or at least, if yiu have one just for the trip then don't keep it a secret. Your DB will just have to deal with it. He doesn't have to read your stuff if he doesn't agree with what you're doing - that's what normal do, ignore it. Also, yy tp s going away party. You should be able to feel excited without feeling guilty. Once you're away you can put him behind you. Bon voyage!

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:31:56

@BlueSkiesLies you are right!
I think people think sailing is all the lovely Pinterest posts of some glamour puss wearing a bikini on the bow looking over their shoulder lovingly at whoever is taking the photo.
Trust me... It isn't lol! It's about spending hours doing passage planning and then double and triple checking the maths, understanding meteorology, first aid, having complete faith and trust in the person you are sailing with. It's about being absolute petrified when things go wrong despite careful planning and proud when you get through them. It's about fixing things that have broken, maintaining things that might break, planning for events that you hope never happen. Provisioning a boat for long passages at sea with 1 other person. It's about learning to cook in a space smaller than you can imagine with 2 burners and a crappy oven and sometimes no refrigeration and limited water if systems fail. Trying to stop cockroaches and rats getting onboard. It's about using wind and tide to get somewhere safely. The constant trimming of sails, plotting your course every 30 minutes and hoping to God that your nav station doesn't go down and you have to use a sextant to work out from the sky where you are. Then you have me and DH. Swearing at each other when scared or something goes wrong, him eating food you had planned for a meal in the 2 minutes you were in the loo. When im marinas the mornings are generally spent on caring for the boat. The afternoons might be the same or the terrifying prospect of going up the mast, taking a walk or relaxing. I like to read, I sew, I will study more sailing courses, we will explore, visit new countries, meet new people, DH wants to learn the guitar and we both want to learn more languages. Apart from when all is going well on long passages it's a pretty busy life!

ElektraUnchained Tue 23-Apr-19 09:36:22

How did he manage to get offended by rain??

NeverTwerkNaked Tue 23-Apr-19 09:39:25

I guess the contrast is between those of us lucky enough to have a job we love and those who don’t. I can see how privileged I am now not to have a job I hate.
(Pugwash, am a keen sailor and had huge sailing adventures in my 20s, I am sure that will be an enormous adventure. I guess I wouldn’t see it as retiring as such but a new adventure? )

NotStayingIn Tue 23-Apr-19 09:41:48

Congrats on your upcoming adventure!

I agree with others, time to stop pandering to your brother. I would tell close family that I was done with his jealous ways and from now on would celebrate as appropriate without curtailing it to spare his fragile ego. I think you need to tell others so that when he kicks off, they understand what’s going on. Don’t ask them to take sides, or do the same as you, or anything like that. Just explain why you are doing it.

Personally I would call it the jacking our jobs in / the big sailing adventure goodbye party / whatever rather then a retirement party. You may want to work again in the next 25 years, who knows? Maybe in something totally different that you haven’t yet thought off. Just celebrate the great thing you’re doing now, why label it with such a definitive title?

HerculePoirotsGreyCells Tue 23-Apr-19 09:42:26

I know a lady who is doing this (so I'm wondering if you're her!!). I would stop pussyfooting around your brother and enjoy your own life. You can exclude him from posts on FB. Its easy to change your settings. It's about time he grew up and was not being enabled so much.

archivearmadillo Tue 23-Apr-19 09:42:48

Why don't you have a going away party?

I'm in my 40s and find the idea of retiring weird because it has implications of slippers, gardening and taking it easy because you're slowing down. The very word retiring means withdrawing from parts of life. I wouldn't assume retiring is positive at such a young age, it sounds like giving up. The only people I know who retired that young did so on health grounds and it was nothing to celebrate, it was connected to restricted ability and shorter life expectancy due to chronic illness.

However going off on a year off on a boat - way hey! It's only a year and who knows what you'll do after. It's not permanent, it's an adventure and the party isn't to float over financially not having to work but is to say goodbye for now.

Have a see you later party for your friends - why would your brother even know, he clearly isn't a friend.

ravenmum Tue 23-Apr-19 09:45:07

Sounds like you are both spending a surprising amount of time thinking about each other.

Just set it up so he doesn't see your posts, it's no big deal. Then have dinner with family and a proper do with friends, if it's that much stress for you.

Retirement at that age and then spending all your time just with your partner, far from any regular friends, sounds dreadful to me, but each to his own! grin

Pk37 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:49:55

He sounds abit like my bil.
He’s 48 and dh is 38 and he’s so bitter because dh went to uni(paid for by himself ,not parents) and has a really good job .
Everything we do he’s like “nah, that’s shit. I wouldn’t do it/ like it”
Pooh Poohs our holidays as being rubbish and not his thing and can never say anything nice ..ok fair enough you don’t have to like our choices but for fucks sake just shut up and stop being so grumpy and mean spirited

ncagain222 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:55:26

First of all congratulations OP - what a wonderful achievement! Secondly, would you be happy to share some general details on how you managed it? I would love to retire in my late 40s - it truly would be living the dream. Did you and your DH have very high earning jobs? I’m assuming yes!

LittleFeather92 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:55:29

I don’t think he puts much thought into being kind and protecting your feelings so I don’t think you should go out your way to protect him.

Ultimately it’s your Facebook so you can post what you like if he has issues he can choose to hide content until he’s ready to be grown up and be happy for you x

C8H10N4O2 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:15:32

In a world which apparently accepts cake smashes for babies and endless "showers" having a get together to celebrate the end of one major phase of life and moving to something new seems entirely reasonable.

Call it a "launch party" if it helps but really don't stifle your own happiness just because DB is a whinging, self centred git.

Enjoy your life, filter the idiot out of FB or other SM and continue with your plans.

JaneEyre07 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:16:54

My DH and SIL have a really strained relationship. They both had same money from inheritances from their Mum and Dad - DH spent his buying and then building up a business. SIL squandered hers on weed, loaning hers to friends who never repaid it, and is now single having left her DH for an affair with a man who left when the money ran dry.

As a result, she's bitter beyond words and when DH recently bought himself a RR, she was nasty as hell.... made out he was personally responsible for global climate change, and how disappointed she was that he needed a status symbol etc. He came home from the garage all excited, but she just had to pop that balloon for him. Yet again.

I've stopped tiptoeing around her now, after 20 years of it. Nothing will ever make her feel that she's not the hard done by one, when nothing could be further from the truth. She's the one who made poor life choices and I'm buggered if DH and I will hide his good ones away. I'm bloody proud of him, and now make a point of celebrating his successes rather than hiding them away from her.

Don't enable your DB in his "poor me" attitude to life. Take ownership of your life and what you've done with it. Be proud and hang bunting from your retirement, celebrate it and enjoy every moment.

Cbatothinkofaname Tue 23-Apr-19 10:35:28

Bottom line is: people make different decisions and prioritise different things from one another, and it’s very tedious when they subsequently don’t ‘own’ those decisions and whine jealously.

Not quite the same as your situation OP, but I’m planning to retire shortly; I’m older than you but it’ll still be early retirement. I can do this because I’ve been in full time teaching most of my career. Minimal maternity leaves, very short period of part time working, and I’ve taken on promotions which have meant longer commutes, more pressure, harder work. Yes, the teaching pension is a generous one but by god we pay for it (around 12% of my salary plus the blood, sweat and tears!) One of the LSAs at my school made a slightly sarky comment the other week - ‘alright for some’ type thing. Completely overlooking the fact she is a graduate, she is a very capable woman, she could be working in a professional career if she chose, but prefers to work 9-3.30 three days a week in a role which doesn’t carry anywhere near the responsibility of a teacher or indeed many other professionals.

Not denigrating the role of LSAs at all- they are amazing and Should be paid more. But the point is, we all make choices and it’s so whiny and pathetic to then abdicate responsibility for those choice and childishly claim it’s ‘not fair’

Adversecamber22 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:58:23

I retired in my forties but due to ill health so DH still has almost 20 years of working, he is younger than me.

Just one word of warning all your friends will still be working , your lucky in that you will have your DH plus you have a year of doing something that will totally immerse you. But once that year is over it is quite hard to fill the time unless you have something that can really give you structure.

I remember being that person who worked long hours, had a demanding job and had a huge commute. Leisure time was scarce and precious. Once you have all the time in the world it becomes less special. I would liken it to loving ice cream, which I do but I wouldn’t eat it every day.

Regarding your brother, I have a very different life to my siblings financially. One in particular was vile about my life, for ultimately other reasons I have now gone NC with her but all those years of her snide remarks. She wasn’t moody but is a very charming and manipulative person. I remember her ridiculing me in front of other family members when my cleaner rang me and she heard me speak to her. I hadn’t told them mainly because I didn’t want to be a show off. Don’t tolerate your brother and don’t give him anymore money.

Hearhere Tue 23-Apr-19 11:04:56

I think I would go the other way and wind him up on purpose
It could be really funny to watch him choking on those sour grapes

IggyAce Tue 23-Apr-19 11:16:15

Congratulations OP it sounds like you have an amazing adventure planned. Set up a group page on FB and perhaps an instagram account, I for one would love to follow your adventure.

RedPanda2 Tue 23-Apr-19 11:26:03

No advice just wanted to say your retirement sounds amazing, hope you enjoy every minute!

NannyRed Tue 23-Apr-19 11:42:59

Sod him. Stop tiptoeing around him. You are not responsible for his happiness. He’s made his choices, you made yours. Enjoy
This ⬆️A thousand times.

JinglingHellsBells Tue 23-Apr-19 11:43:08

I can only reiterate @Pugwash1 that you have had serious guidance on your finances and are not going into this without such advice.

I don't actually believe in retirement as such unless you are working in a job you hate. I work freelance and intend to carry on as long as I can as it's mental stimulation. I can see if people are not happy at work retirement is attractive. But be warned OP- 40 + years is a long time to fill with 'fun' and you may find you get to 50ish and want to do something else. I am in my 60s and added 2 new strings to my bow at 50+. I'm not doing what I trained for at 18 any more.

TixieLix Tue 23-Apr-19 12:08:16

Respect to you OP for the achievement of being able to retire in your 40s. I am very envious, but wish you well on your travels.

Pugwash1 Tue 23-Apr-19 12:08:40

I have PM'd a few people who have messaged me but not sure if they have gone through. Sorry, I have only used the message facility this a couple of times before.

Oldbutstillgotit Tue 23-Apr-19 12:57:25

I had similar when I retired a few months ago, not a relative but a close friend. She had wanted me to provide childcare for her daughter’s DD ( her daughter is my God daughter ). I refused and for weeks I had little digs whenever I did anything such as a holiday . At first I downplayed everything but then I thought sod it and am quite open - without boasting - about what I am doing . Enjoy your adventure.

Sunlov Tue 23-Apr-19 12:59:51

Fuck him.

Hearhere Tue 23-Apr-19 13:07:35

He is trying to force you to make yourself look smaller and less accomplished so that he can feel bigger and more accomplished
if you defer to him it will make him feel more powerful and he will increase his efforts to force you to look smaller and smaller
Give him an inch and he will try to take miles

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Apr-19 13:35:43

Wow, well, I'm jealous that you can afford to jack in the daily grind to go and do what you want to do, but there's no way I would or could do the same as you're planning! Your bro is mad if he envies you spending at least a year being battered by the elements on a small boat. But of course that isn't what he wants at all.

DF bought a boat once. It was a 12ft dinghy which his friend who lived by the sea kept for him. They went puttering about in the estuary about twice a year, until the friend emigrated and the boat came back to our suburban garden, where it leaned against a tree for years and eventually became firewood. The rumours that went around his workplace about the luxury yacht though... (DF didn't put them straight, it amused the life out of him.)

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 23-Apr-19 13:54:40

We retired about 18 months ago (early 50s) and have been rather taken aback by the thinly veiled envy and jealousy from a few of our friends and family.

We've told people for years that this was our long term plan, we retired very quietly; no big party or anything to rub anyone's nose in it and (with youngest still in school) we haven't had any big long trips yet. Still some people act like we've cheated the system or pulled a fast one. It's been an eye opener.

And no, we don't have millions.

NerdyBird Tue 23-Apr-19 16:53:13

May I suggest, for those that are interested in sailing, the books Casting Off and Untie the Lines by Emma Bamford. Both great reads about her adventures taking time out from work and sailing. I am not the author btw!

I think it sounds like a great plan OP, celebrate how you want and post on social media how you want, to make your life easier/happier. If that includes either restricting your brother's access or upsetting him so be it. Sounds like he doesn't mind upsetting you or cutting you out of his life so if you show him the same consideration he can hardly complain!

Destinesia Tue 23-Apr-19 16:55:41

You shouldn't have to censor yourself, your Brother can always unfollow you if he finds it too much.

About your travels and retirement, I would love to do this. I'd be really appreciate any guidance you have to get to your position.

Wishing you fun times and adventures.

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