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To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

(179 Posts)
Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 06:50:44

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.

AIBU?

NoSauce Tue 23-Apr-19 13:31:02

grin

Stick to your guns about visiting once the baby is here, but obviously let them him/her as soon as you’re ready. I guess all you can do is see how things play out and hope for the best and be ready for DH to speak to them ASAP if need be.

In the meantime try and relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy smile

longearedbat Tue 23-Apr-19 13:34:56

With this tree watering - are you on clay op? I just wondered if they are trying to keep the ground moist for the trees so they don't suck all the water out of the soil and cause subsidence.
I would never water a mature tree, and we have quite a few. They do draw an awful lot of water though, so other plants suffer around them in dry spells. However, if the garden is a postage stamp, how many mature trees can you fit in it anyway?
Completely ignoring the point of the thread, just curious as a keen gardener!

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 23-Apr-19 13:36:20

Your in-laws are infantilising you and the two of you are accepting to be infantilised both by taking a free house and making no more than slight murmurs about doing the garden yourselves.

As for extreme pregnancy fatigue, yes, I get extreme fatigue. I have chronic fatigue amongst other ailments. At times I am physically unable to get up and my body forces me to remain completely immobile on the bed / sofa / floor etc. So they’d just see me in whatever attire. However one thing for sure I would not have been so rude to in laws, who are housing me for free if I were able to zip upstairs. So please don’t use pregnancy fatigue as an excuse to be rude.

If you want your in laws to treat you like adults, you need to start acting like ones. For starters, doing the garden yourselves - your dh could ask them over this weekend and get the lowdown of what to do - however batshit their routine. Secondly ask for privacy as you wish to go around in your home in scant clothing as the weather heats up. And if they do come over, offer them a drink. A cold glass of squash shouldn’t be too far to stretch - even when you’re very tired you seem to not have lost your mobility.

All of this needs to be done face to face and not take no for an answer.

Perhaps it’s time to pay a bit of rent even if it’s below market rate and at the very least to cover the on costs of being landlords. Your in laws need to be doing this all properly - gas and electrical safety checks, smoke / carbon monoxide alarms etc regardless of whether you contribute rent or not. I hope they are and I would be checking on that to protect them tbh as they could be imprisoned if something goes desperately wrong at the property.

longearedbat Tue 23-Apr-19 13:36:45

Oh, and having mature trees close to your house is far from ideal structurally, regardless of your soil type.

Waveysnail Tue 23-Apr-19 13:40:41

Iv been in same position but whole.family had keys to house and let themselves in. We lasted a year then moved out

Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 13:42:43

@NoSauce
Yes, I will definetly put my foot down if they step in too much. At least the baby is ours, so then I feel I am entitled to, do you know what I mean?

And thanks for your well wishes, much appreciated given all the negativity here xx

Darayan20 Tue 23-Apr-19 13:47:16

Why don't you rent somewhere else

Sparkletastic Tue 23-Apr-19 13:49:41

I don't think your in-laws understand how trees work.

BertrandRussell Tue 23-Apr-19 14:03:42

“Iv been in same position but whole.family had keys to house and let themselves in. We lasted a year then moved out”

So not the same position at all...........

IncrediblySadToo Tue 23-Apr-19 15:10:02

[You need to get this sorted out{

What- this one off incident?

🙄 it’s NOT a ‘one off incident’. They’re ‘popping around’ several times a week to garden a postage stamp AND going in when they’re not home. They’ve been asked not to, but carry on.

The in-laws have allowed their son to live in a property they own so he can study with less financial pressure, that’s lovely, but it’s rude of them not to allow their son & his partner their privacy. It’s their HOUSE, but it’s horrible of them to act like it’s their HOME to come and go as they please.

If they can’t respect the boundaries now, there’s no hope of them doing so once the baby is here.

NaturalBornWoman Tue 23-Apr-19 15:28:54

The in-laws have allowed their son to live in a property they own so he can study with less financial pressure

If they can’t respect the boundaries now, there’s no hope of them doing so once the baby is here

So yet another example of rushing into procreation before getting their life in order then. Better way: study, get decent jobs, provide own home for baby and put in place massive boundaries if you want because it's your house and you're an independent adult.

IncrediblySadToo Tue 23-Apr-19 15:46:18

naturalbornwoman

Did you actually read the thread?

The Son has been there a few years, it’s not uncommon in families.

And about being financially dependent on them- thats absolutely not the case! We do have our own money and could rent something but DH is currently doing a very expensive study besides working fulltime in a steady job, study will become useful in the future to have a better chance of getting a high paid job. Moving out would mean he would have to quit his study. Honestly speaking, some comments suggesting we are irresponsable, financially unstable etc are quite insulting as none of you knows the whole story and therefor should not judge. We have no debts and are working hard to ensure a better future for ourselves and baby

It’s not like they’re a pair of kids on JSA slouching about the place.

IncrediblySadToo Tue 23-Apr-19 15:48:35

Or are you suggesting only people who have bought a house can have a family 🧐

Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:02:52

@IncrediblySadToo, thank you! Finally someone understanding the situation.

DH has a very decent job, I was a home owner but sold mine to move and live with him since we had a long distance relationship and we decided it would be best to stay where he lives as a family. This is also the reason I do not have a job now: I HAD to resign to move.

So all those people reacting like we are some irresponsable idiots, I would strongly advice to have a good look at their own financial situation.
We have no debts, only savings, DH works fulltime in a decent job AND studying to get an even better one and yes, I can afford to focus on my pregnancy now.

So I think we are a lot more responsable then some people here who are giving me an earful about not owning this place.

IncrediblySadToo Tue 23-Apr-19 16:09:04

So I think we are a lot more responsable then some people here who are giving me an earful about not owning this place

🤣 such is MN these days, unfortunately!

NaturalBornWoman Tue 23-Apr-19 16:21:10

IncrediblySadToo, thank you! Finally someone understanding the situation!

The situation which you've just deigned to outline, having previously merely moaned about not having the privacy you want to loaf about in your underwear all day with 10 weeks of pregnancy still to go, in a house which is being provided and maintained for free by your partner's family. hmm

Honeybee85 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:23:25

@IncrediblySadToo

Yes, finally after today I realised it wasnt a smart move to sell my house at a very nice profit, appearently I instantly degraded myself to scum of the earth by that move grin.

And now I live for free on someone else’s property so that makes me not only scum of the earth but very irresponsable and certainly unfit as a future parent shock

SnakesBarmitzvah Tue 23-Apr-19 16:24:30

I would make a joke of it and ask them to let you know if they are popping round in future...

"sorry for scaring you earlier with the sight of me in my pants! This heat is getting to me. Please let one of us know if you are planning to pop over so we can make sure we are dressed and don't give you a scare again, lol!"

Something like that. They'll get the message but shouldnt be offended.

hammeringinmyhead Tue 23-Apr-19 16:30:29

Sigh. Of course I meant it's awkward if they turn up to do the garden with watering cans and tools while OP, mums, and prams or babies on picnic blankets are occupying it, not that OP would feel awkward introducing them. If I was a guest I'd feel like I ought to get out the way.

oblada Tue 23-Apr-19 16:32:47

Nobody said you were not "responsable" or living rent free. Only that you can't have your cake and eat it ie live rent free and complain that effectively you're living in someone else's house with the downside that this involves (esp when not paying rent).

oblada Tue 23-Apr-19 16:35:21

Arch... 'to be living rent free'. Not sure how that became 'or living rent free'.
If you want proper privacy then get your own place. In the meanwhile compromise with the in laws. They sound like nice ppl so it should be ok.

RomanyQueen1 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:41:06

Just ask them to contact you before coming round.
You are very lucky to not have the responsibility of having to provide for yourselves.
Maybe look at getting your own place now you are having a baby.

tillytrotter1 Tue 23-Apr-19 16:48:56

Learn to look after your own garden then you'll have one less thing to worry about! They're welcome to then come and do mine.

ineedaholidaynow Tue 23-Apr-19 17:06:15

If you have proceeds from a sale of your house why can't you afford a place of your own now, why would moving out mean DH couldn't afford to study? Surely DH must have savings too if he has been living rent free for a number of years.

CheshireChat Tue 23-Apr-19 17:10:26

Perhaps gently encourage them to get an allotment? It sounds like they enjoy gardening but left the better house to their son.

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